but i try

im not the handsomest or tallest.

i dont have the magicest mighty sword or fastest car.

but i have an internet connection and electricity and if teenage russian hackerboys have taught us anything its that sometimes thats all you need to make a difference.

sometimes i get low. im human. and sometimes i get very high. no comment.

i get high in the weirdest ways. i can watch a movie with a pretty girl or i can watch a simpsons episode all by my lonesome.

sometimes just the whiff of a eucalyptus will trigger a long lost memory and it will cause a grin from ear to ear, which heath ledger rip has shown can be quite scary.

and like his character because im somewhat insane i can be low and high sometimes in the same hour.

last night i came home, heated up some Just Chicken from trader joes, doused it with jack daniels bbq sauce and nuked a large bowl of Glory collard greens and turned on the macbook.

im a bachelor. thats as close to cooking as it gets in this house. in two days the maid will find it in my dresser drawer and wash it along with the other dishes strewn about this home.

anyways im not a smart man. so once i turned on the computer i went from hyperlink to hyperlink and saw an old story of CNNs Rick Sanchez being fired and noticed his Twitter handle.

so i typed it in to see if he had kept tweeting or if he was on some drunken vacation on some isle drinking away his sorrows. and alas he was indeed tweeting!

mostly he was thanking his fans for their support and typing hokey sayings.

and then i got to his “motto” and america, i was stumped.

my motto: two wolves; one is angry and filled w self pity. the other is forgiving and loving. which wins? the one i feed. cherokee proverb

i had no idea what he means.

how is that a motto?

why not feed both wolves?

wouldnt the hungry wolf, who i imagine is the angry one, eat Rick Sanchez cuz hes, you know, STARVING and angry?

wouldnt the forgiving and loving one be the one Not to feed cuz he would be all, “its cool Rick, youre one of the millions of unemployed, i know why you didnt feed me, plus if you had fed me i woulda given it over to Grumpy McAngry over there cuz he woulda just ripped my neck off while i slept anyhow.”

the whole thing confused the heck out of me and made me sad.

so i ate my chicken and greens and watched the simpsons

and now i will fall asleep.

‘nite moon.

because if they really did read the broadsheet they would have been hardpressed to do anything other than smile at this genius headline by the Sports desk this morning celebrating the accomplishment of SF Giants pitcher Matt Cain who held the defending champion Phillies to just 2 hits over 7 innings yesterday.

i still think the sports page is worth the cost of the paper alone, simply for the headlines and great writing.

who needs an NFL Team

(to quote Apu “i doooooooooooooooooo”)

but today LA Times columnist Steve Lopez wrote about his very unique experience of being given (along with KABC radio host Peter Tilman) two different strains of marijuana by the LAPD and City Attorney Carmen Trutanich.

and then given the keys of an undercover cop car

and then allowed to drive a pretty interesting obstacle course

to see if smoking weed impairs your driving.

the results? a lot of laughing and an unending amount of jokes in today’s Page 2 column

a sample of “He’s a Train Wreck behind the wheel”

A few hits later, I suggested to Tilden that we roll a vehicle, come out holding our necks, sue everyone and retire, but that was the dope talking. Tilden had forgotten his rolling papers, so I gave him my Bob Marley wrappers and Officer Leffert expertly rolled a fat one for him.

“What are you, Rastafarian?” Tilden asked the officer. “Look at the size of that blunt.”

One of us, after several strong hits on a second joint, was now giggling like a high school sophomore, and it wasn’t Tilden or the cops. I believe Train Wreck may be from the sativa rather than indica species of pot. Sativa is said to give you a spacey surge instead of a drowsy body buzz. This could explain why, when I saw southern division CHP commander Kevin Gordon approaching to see if we were ripped yet, I stood on one foot for him, as if taking a sobriety test while puffing away and laughing like a hyena.

“Are you having fun?” asked Nelms, the drug recognition expert.

What, is that a crime, officer?

When we were driven back down the hill and I slid into an unmarked Crown Vic for my driving test, I couldn’t resist the urge to play a little prank. I revved the engine, shifted into forward and jerked forward in the direction of the gathering, honking the horn like a lunatic as Trutanich and the others prepared to scatter.

Read the whole thing, as they say, it’s fascinating, funny, and weirdly scientific.

Can’t wait for the faux outrage in the comments and the blogosphere.