dear space aliens,


thanks for writing me so much.

here on earth we dont have porn ads on the top part of our emails. believe it or not, but people here will read the emails without advertisments. so naturally, i thought your emails were what we call Spam.


youve all written so much that i feel its best if i answer you in this post.

first of all, thank you so much for reading it. i knew how i was getting about 100 hits a day, but i was always curious as to who the other 900 people were, so this explains a lot. welcome.

The United States. i live in the United States of America. im sorry that i just call it America. its a lazy american thing to do. i know that theres south america and central america and the usa is in north america, but when i write it as “america” i am sorta saying, “yes i know this is arrogant. we are arrogant. and we’re probably going to stay this way for a while.”

rock music. the cds i gave you are rock. you are hearing guitars and drums and someone yelling. what youre feeling is the bass. the purpose of rock music is to help you remember that youre a live animal. which is what we are at our core.

the best rock music is dangerous and agressive and wild and powerful. it’s also nice when it can be sensitive and subtle and insightful. but as long as it rocks it could be completely full of shit. it’s the music of the common man and the only thing that matters. next to spirituality, of course.

almost all of you asked me about either beer or cigarettes or drugs. even though we dont have fancy space machines, odds are humans are smarter than you. we just havent been around as long. one of the drawbacks to being so smart is life gets boring, so some people like to get fucked up so they can look at things with innocent eyes. other people are so smart that they outthink themselves out of doing the things they want to do, so they get drunk and let loose.

some people are just stupid.

theyre the ones who smoke cigarrettes.

but they do look cool, which is generally the point, and old age has never been marketed as being all that, so maybe these cool kids are on to something.

usually we keep our voting records private, but since so many of you asked, im going to vote for larry flynt as governor of california. at first i was going to vote for gray davis because its not right that he should have to win a second election in the middle of his term, but then i thought, fuck him. he should be bitching more and hes not so fuck him.

im voting for larry flynt for the same reason that people lie about why they say theyre going to vote for the terminator. they say arnold is a good businessman, but very few people in the world are as successful as larry flynt. hustler, the magazine he’s best known for, actually brings in just a fraction of all the monies he gets from magazine publishing. and he’s ugly, and hes crippled, and hes slightly insane, and he has set the bar for what is completely dirty. and in america, thats a tough trick.

most of the people here though are pretty nervous about how others will perceive them. they run around being a certain way so that they will have a better chance of being successful. but larry flynt has shown us that you can be the grossest frog mouthed s.o.b on the block and if you know what youre doing you can Still build a golden tower in beverly hills from all the money that you’ll end up with.

and how sweet would it be for the republicans to see that their dirty little coup resulted in hell freezing over and larry flynt ending up governor of california?

itd be enough to put the state on the map.

anyway, thanks for writing, i will answer more questions and clear more things up later.



p.s. my flying car is not for sale, and neither is chopper one. thanks though!

fragrant + buzz machine + clever hack + scrappleface

people, it’s ok.

theres two full days left in the busblog auction to sponsor blogger pro for a year.

theres no reason to call your friends to bid for you.

and theres absolutely no reason to stand in line, east coasters, to use pay phones to have your friends bid on your behalf.

its just a simple sponsorship.

a link on a dumb blog.

a speck on the skid mark on the boxer shorts of the internet.

i just got a phone call from a sweet young woman calling from a Ben & Jerry’s on the lower east side of new york.

she says they are having a great sale there because theres a blackout happening today and Ben & Jerrys knows that their icecream is going to melt, so theyre practically giving the stuff away.

in between spoonfulls of chunky monkey she is asking if i could extend the auction until the power gets restored to the east coast.

i politely told her no.

sadly, the auction will end as scheduled, on saturday night.

so for all of you who are waiting until the last minute to get your bid in, you should probably bid now.

you never know what nuttiness will happen.

we are in mercury retrograde after all.

and the only guarantees in life are death, taxes

and a bunch of dumb shit here on the busblog.

instapundit has permalinked madpony! + sponsor blogger pro for the busblog + ouahad + coyote

when i knew that i was going to be coming to los angeles after high school

i imagined dating hot young blonde models, driving a convertible, and surfing on saturdays.

at least one of those things came true.

surfing it turned out, in southern california is more of an ideal than a reality for this midwesterner, as strangely the pacific is normally as cold as a pacifico.

i have driven my share of convertibles while out here but nowhere near as many as i thought i would, and none of them ended up being mine.

which brings us to the hot young blonde models.

ive never been one to have a boundless amount of self-esteem or self-confidence but as ive gotten older i have realized that he who asks receives. even if he shouldnt have it. even if he doesnt deserve it. even if he is way out of his league.

in xbi training they poison you constantly.

one day they put lsd in our cap’n crunch and walked us over to this big ant hill next to the beach.

we watched the ants be ants and our trainers esped to us.

if you put your foot next to the ant hill and stomped around notice how the ants arent intimidated or freaked out, they just do their job. be like the ant, agents.

look at how the pretty ants arent stuck up about their ant-beauty, and how the ugly ones go on with their lives with as much outward confidence.

it took us a while to identify the ugly from the pretty ants, but the acid helped.

be like the ants, agents.

we watched how they lifted leaves and twigs twenty times their weight.

we watched how they worked until it was time to stop working, and we watched how they never fought each other, and we watched how they partied once the sun went down.

the next morning we looked at the world as if we were all ants.

we were quiet, and strong, and obediant, and worked as a team.

that night they asked us to go to some of the hot dance clubs in la and bring back to santa barbara the prettiest girl that we could.

once that mission was accomplished, the women were given jewelery and limo rides home.

and i’ll never forget the lesson of the ants.

and the incrediblly vivid sunset.

and the fact that after being in california for nearly a century, i have never been surfing.

last night a young blonde model came over and gave me a shoulder rub. im not crazy about shoulder rubs, but i was tired and not in the mood to resist nice offers.

her hair brushed against my sunburned back and it was nice.

nicer than youd think.

she flipped me over and told me i had the sweetest eyes.

and then we went to bed.

minutes later we were asleep.

dc + bored housewife + mallory