when i knew that i was going to be coming to los angeles after high school

i imagined dating hot young blonde models, driving a convertible, and surfing on saturdays.

at least one of those things came true.

surfing it turned out, in southern california is more of an ideal than a reality for this midwesterner, as strangely the pacific is normally as cold as a pacifico.

i have driven my share of convertibles while out here but nowhere near as many as i thought i would, and none of them ended up being mine.

which brings us to the hot young blonde models.

ive never been one to have a boundless amount of self-esteem or self-confidence but as ive gotten older i have realized that he who asks receives. even if he shouldnt have it. even if he doesnt deserve it. even if he is way out of his league.

in xbi training they poison you constantly.

one day they put lsd in our cap’n crunch and walked us over to this big ant hill next to the beach.

we watched the ants be ants and our trainers esped to us.

if you put your foot next to the ant hill and stomped around notice how the ants arent intimidated or freaked out, they just do their job. be like the ant, agents.

look at how the pretty ants arent stuck up about their ant-beauty, and how the ugly ones go on with their lives with as much outward confidence.

it took us a while to identify the ugly from the pretty ants, but the acid helped.

be like the ants, agents.

we watched how they lifted leaves and twigs twenty times their weight.

we watched how they worked until it was time to stop working, and we watched how they never fought each other, and we watched how they partied once the sun went down.

the next morning we looked at the world as if we were all ants.

we were quiet, and strong, and obediant, and worked as a team.

that night they asked us to go to some of the hot dance clubs in la and bring back to santa barbara the prettiest girl that we could.

once that mission was accomplished, the women were given jewelery and limo rides home.

and i’ll never forget the lesson of the ants.

and the incrediblly vivid sunset.

and the fact that after being in california for nearly a century, i have never been surfing.

last night a young blonde model came over and gave me a shoulder rub. im not crazy about shoulder rubs, but i was tired and not in the mood to resist nice offers.

her hair brushed against my sunburned back and it was nice.

nicer than youd think.

she flipped me over and told me i had the sweetest eyes.

and then we went to bed.

minutes later we were asleep.

dc + bored housewife + mallory

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