first time i ever saw two girls french kiss

was on the bus in highschool and i thought, thats it, thats what i want to be.

a lesbian cheerleader.

i was a sophomore on the jv basketball team. we took two busses on away games. the varsity took one bus. and the jv, sophomore and freshman team all shared another bus.

back of the bus was the jv team. furthest away from the coaches and teachers. im not exactly sure if it was just a straight up dare, but it was something like that and this one hot cheerleader leaned over to this other hot cheerleader and they made out for a good thirty seconds.

which is eternity for a fifteen year old boy, which the bus was full of.

i dont think i talked to any of my friends about it. my school was completely repressed and yet the girls werent ostracized because they had boyfriends, and also because it was hot as hell.

we didnt talk about it because it blew our minds and we wouldnt even know where to begin the discussion, especially since most of us were lucky even to get a kiss off some girl, never mind a full blown lesbian french kiss

in cheerleader outfits.

the way i remember it both of the girls had their legs crossed, they leaned over the walk way, gave a nice long kiss, smiled and went back to whatever people were talking about.

i think im now only beginning to realize that it wasnt just a beautiful dream.

the sun set in the windows and the endless rows of cornstalks rolled past next to the highway.

since then ive seen lots of girls kiss and its never really lost its charm.

in other news the cubs are breaking my heart.

moxie + kevynn malone + earth-info-net

tonight is the mtv video awards

fashion show and shout out special.

im a big fan of the show, but this year i actually had to go to the mtv web site to see what videos are being nominated.

for Video of the Year theyre going to give it to my man Johnny Cash because he’s dying and because the video is amazing and deserves it but mostly because he’s 71 and dying, so thats cool.

Best Male Video will go to Johnny Cash because he’s male and dying and cool and the man in black and a legend and cuz hes dying and say what you will about Justin but he will never ever ever be as cool as Johnny Cash and i hope they start playing that video soon.

though i do like the Lose Yourself video, but i like the song better.

Best Female Video is the reason to hate award shows because Christina’s “Dirrty” is in my top ten videos of all time very close to “Sabatoge” but for obviously differnet reasons. So I would pick that one to win.

However Missy Elliot’s “Work It” is mighty good, especially because of the kid dancers, and Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love” is dirty but a notch above being filthy so it will probably win.

And J.Lo’s “I’m Glad,” the “Flashdance” tribute is my favorite jlo video of all time so i say let them all win.

no, i take that back, Dirrty is tremendous. capturing a young woman trying and accomplishing the rare feat of being so damn filthy that its fun and sexy and not at all dirty after all.

Best Group Video has to go to the White Stripes who have made another fine video. It makes me want to experiment with drugs again. It makes me want to be a drummer again. It makes me want to capitalize.

a close second is The Donnas with “Take It Off” which has slowly turned into a song that i MUST hear every day. God i love them.

and if Good Charlotte wins with Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous im going to shoot my television.

Best Rap Video, first of all its Hip Hop fucks. Secondly 50 Cent doesnt have a chance because without Eminem hes just another guy getting shot at by his homies, so Em wins. Thirdly, yes i do feel a little weird that the only white guy in the group should win the hip hop award this year and will win it despite strong showings from Nas and Ludacris.

But wheres Nelly? Did he really not have anything that came out during the appropriate period?

Best R&B Video, ah yes heres Nelly. with Kelly Rowland. fuck that song. Gotta give it to Beyonce and Jay-Z not only because its a better video but its a far better song. otherwise f r&b.

Best Hip Hop Video, okay, what? Snoop Dogg gets nominated in Hip Hop and not Rap? excatly why?

fuck you MTV. and how does Nelly get “Hot in Herre” nominated in this one but not any other one? Nelly wins over Snoop’s “Beautiful” which should be in the R&B catagory. arrrrrrggggg MUST I BE IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING!?!?!?!?

Best Dance Video needs to go to Justin because yes hes gay but he dances really well, although in a pinch i would give it to the former Fly Girl jlo but it would just go to her head.

Best Rock Video is the easiest pick of the night. White Stripes wins because theyre the only fucking band on the list who actually rocks.

Best Pop Video, should go to nobody because pop is what has brought MTV down to the level of selling sugar water to teens. if there was more rock in their diet i wouldnt have a problem but until you can name me 5 seriously hard rocking bands that are in the MTV rotation on the regular then this catagory should be suspended. sorry no doubt.

Best New Artist none of those idiots are any good so lets not encourage them. if i ran mtv i would ridicule them instead.

the rest of the catagories are jokes so i wont even bother.

anyway, i just watch the show for the live performances and to drink every time that old hag John Norris ends up on tv as he obviously has pictures of someone blowing some kid because hes not funny hes not smart hes not attractive and yet hes been on mtv since the 60s.


anyway, those are my picks, go here for the nominees and feel free to refute me … if you dare.

woke up this morning still depressed

slept through the alarm somehow and didnt know why until i saw that there were some panties dangling from the alarm clock stopping the little hammer from hitting the little bell.

a nice post-it was stuck to the face of the clock from the cheerleader telling me that she hoped i was feeling better and that she certainly was.

but what was that knocking?

was it my door.

stumbled to the door, my computer was still on, the christmas lights were still on, the pie from kfc was untouched. the wine bottle was half full. the glasses, the clothes, the whipped cream, the conffetti, the hoop of fire were all spread out on the bear skin rug. stubbed my toe on the empty can of silly string.

stupid silly string.

answered the door, hoped it wasnt the sherriff serving me with another phony balogna summons, and it wasnt the sherriff at all, it was miss montreal. her tiarra sparkling in the morning sun.

hi tony.

hi miss montreal.

may i come in?

but of course.

why do you look so frowny?

m’ depressed.

how come?


she removed her sash and stepped over the fuzzy ski boots and gave me a real nice hug.

didnt work.

she kissed me behind my ear, nibbled. told me i looked good in the morning.


dug her nails slightly into my back and raised her knee up my pajama leg and told me that she could drive me to work and therefore maybe we could have a happy morning.

i told her i wasnt interested.

she dragged her teeth across my collarbone and then up my neck and slithered her tounge behind my ear and said hey whats this.

i said what.

she said this dial.

i was all what dial.

she said its pointed to Depressed as Hell.

i fumbled to whatever it was that she was touching on the back of my neck and she said let me look let me look. i let her look.

she said whoa theres lots of settings. who did this to you?

i hadnt told her about the xbi.

i said, is there one that says Normal?

no, i see, Happy, Grumpy, ooooooo Sexy. Suicidal… what? Homicidal? babe what is this?

you dont see a Normal.

im telling you, no.

turn it to Happy then.

and she switched it, stepped back and just like that

i was back.

we humped like bunnies and she drove me to work and the whole way in i was singing bruce springsteen songs while she laughed at me.

wanna see the mtv awards with me tonight she asked.

why, yes. yes i do.

bloopy + gnome girl + ginger