drunk bored restless

waiting for karisa to call back cuz shes coming over we’re gonna eat pizza and then we are going to the damn show and watch tsar kick all our asses while drinking two dollar beers. how do you beat that? great rock music for free if you whisper free diana ross at the door and two dollar beers.

and im serious for a minute. tsar could be the finest rock band in los angeles. do you know how many times i say that on this blog – tsar is the finest rock band in los angeles and nobody calls bullshit? nobody.

does the music scene in la blow? yes. its blown since guns got signed. doesnt matter. every year there is a great band that plays la for a while until people figure it out. weezer did it. beck did it. now tsars doing it. my recommendation get there early and stand near the front. the power And the subtlety can best be seen and felt from up close.

i should be showering or cleaning up the pad but im lazy and drunk and i really want to play playstation but when i bought that thing i promised myself that i would only play if i did something constructive first. so i will tell you about someone who told me that they have a crush on me. me!

how do you like them apples.

i dont believe it of course but it is very nice. im almost done reading pimp by iceberg slim and he wrote this in the 40s about pimping in the 30s and guess what number his hotel is in downtown chicago. four twenty.

i love this book so. i dont want it to end. i cant see how it could end. fortunately my man has written several books about his pimp life and im going to let something out into the universe. lets see what happens.

pimp needs to be a modern day film starring of course snoop dogg. i would also cast Shaquille O’Neal as “Sweet” the biggest meanest pimp in town who lives in a penthouse apartment and just might be “crazy” and lil kim as “The Runt” his whore. this book is so intensely real its unreal. and the stories and descriptions seem so modern day that its freaky. but the most surprising thing about it is how much attention he pays to jazz music which is always playing. if he gets into a studebaker, or walks into a bar, or goes into an apartment theres either live music, a jukebox, or a record player belting out duke ellington or billie holiday. he beats his whore in one instance as billie holiday’s “my man” spins in the corner of the room.

the main character is a tall skinny black man who’s main asset is how well he can speak the pimp jive.

i see a cameo from richard pryor as one of the theives in the bar, eminem as one of the bad cops, and of course sam jackson as “Top” the pimp who teaches “Blood” the trade.

spike lee should direct, duh.

snoop would probably do it for a few million, and sam jackson would be the most expensive but he has been in four spike lee movies but none since ’91s jungle fever. thats 13 years ago! wtf, sam. lil kim’s not gonna cost you anything.

i see a cameo by mariah carey as the woman who educates the young man in the sack when he was a teen.

the movie could be and should be made for under thirty million. a few interiors. no special effects. and if it works out you have a few more books to go to if you want some ready made sequels.

heres ways to mess it up.

hire will smith instead of snoop dogg.

make it modern day.

put hip hop music in it anywhere


leah + rabbit + my afro is for sale

this is new york fashion week

and on monday betsey johnson showed her new line. to celebrate miss montreal came over last night dressed up as an 80s ho. betsey would have been proud.

she had a striped shirt dress that barely covered her coochie, fishnets, bangles, pink earrings, and tall fuck me boots. so i fucked her.

you know youre with a good girl when you reach down the fishnets and you’re doing your thing and you whisper that youre sorry but that youre trying to be gentle cuz you dont want to rip her stockings and shes all i dont care if you rip my fucking stockings and she rips em for you.

i suppose theres other ways to know when youre with a good girl but thats one way.

my truest gave me back a few crates of cds that i gave her years back when we split. apparently she never cracked open the ted nugent box set nor any of the motorhead cds or many of the other assorted masterpieces so she brought them over this weekend and last night as miss montreal was over i popped in the first cypress hill cd from my old box of love.

heres a game you can play with cypress hill and a half naked betsey johnson looking canadian girl in your waterbed.

every time that one guy in the background repeats what the main guy says, kiss the girl.

every time they mention drugs of some sort, squeeze her ass.

every time they talk about cops fucking up their shit do something with a boobie.

and like most cds, dont get her naked and dont let her get you naked until the first track is completed. if youre a super good boy wait till the end of the second track.

and of course, dont head for the home stretch until the cd has completed and it starts repeating.

musical cues my friends. life is full of tiny little musical cues to help your unworthy ass out.

ben’s daily blarf + regerchris + hosemonster is getting hitched

tsar is playing tonight at the derby

in los feliz. have i told you that? they are.

tell the man at the door this password

i cut tonys hair

and you will get in free.

tell the bartender these words

serve me the two dollar beer

and he will only charge you two fifty.

theres food you can order, and room to dance.

theres valet parking in the back.

im sure some pretty girls might show up.

and then of course theres all the people from the blogosphere that will be there.

im hoping moxie will make an appearance since tsar is her favorite group.

maybe some big wig record execs will be there to see what real glam rock is all about.

who knows.

all i know is there will be two dollar beers.

for two fifty.

for your ass.



The Derby

4500 Los Feliz Blvd.

moxie + dirty fez + mist

a heavy butterscotch moon

which became safari sam's

hung over the ghetto of east hollywood tonight as i drove to the jack in the box to get miss montreal her number four plain.

she hadnt seen my shaved head yet and i was secretly hoping that she was going to take me up on my little dare but life is never as good as what you dream about on blogs and she just wanted to say hi and hang out and drink and kiss a little and watch average joe and smoke some of her wacky tabbacky. she kept offering it to me and it smelled good but nah. dope is fer dopes. hugs not drugs i told her and snuggled up againster as we watched the hottie weed through the men who wished to woo her.

i do have a good life and i realized this on vermont where there appeared to be a crushing use of force between a metro bus and a two door hatchback and im not usually a lookie loo but i saw a man on the pavement surrounded by paramedics totally passed out and naked. i surmised that his clothes had been cut off of him so the doctors could get at whatever they needed to get at.

and let me tell you a thing or two about pavement. back in the olden days when i went to college i was a skater. i skateboarded everywhere and every now and then i would hit an acorn or find a rut in the sidewalk or hit a wet spot and begin to soar through the air with the greatest of ease.

of the many lessons that i learned at the university of isla vista was that road and skin should never rub against each other with any real force. the skin just rips so easilly as if by being alive and young we are simply marinating our fragile flesh.

so i saw this guy face down naked middle of the street etc and i thought whats stopping me from being that guy. i walk around not giving a fuck. i fly around in a damn copter. i get shot at by assholes daily. who’s to say that one day that might not be me. and then i thought i know whos to say and i better get right with him or im fucked.

came home and i called my mom and told her i loved her.

hung up and then i told the girl that i was happy she was here.

and then she attempted to suck the life out of me.

then she got pretty close but not really that close cuz im a freak of nature so we adjourned to my chambers and we gave the walls something to wish they could talk about.

thats for damn sure.

then she shaved the five oclock shadow from my head and asked me if i knew how ridiculously adorable i looked which is a very nice thing to say even if its just to be nice

while the saggy moon resisted its inevitable nightly assention into the heavens cuz usually its better in hollywood.

mr sutter has an funny quiz + kevin cole calls my afro auction genius + britcoal lays it out