about the new worstseller how to blog:

raymi: why the hell would i want to interview you if you have a picture of britney as your icon? are u trying to piss me right off?

raymi: kidding

dumbass of america: it’s her birthday, show a little love!

raymi: ok this has to be a quick interview because i have to walk into town to drink some of my cheap beers before we drive to a concert

raymi: ok i dont want a picture of some old man with a yankee hat on

raymi: ok next question

dumbass of america: do you love me?

raymi: yes

dumbass of america: great

raymi: are you needy today?

dumbass of america: only a little

dumbass of america says: how about you

raymi says: i am glad that you suggested that boy buy me beers one time because he did it and i had no money and it was like wow this whole blogging thing works in the real world i totally forgot

raymi says: oh i am always needy but whatever this “interview” is about you

raymi says: ok so this is another blook right

dumbass of america says: yes its another blook

dumbass of america says: this one is way different though

raymi says: like it is less shitty than the first one?

dumbass of america says:cuz the first one was “This Is How Shitty Your First Year Will Be.”

dumbass of america says: exactly

raymi says: oh u have to put the “i chose raymi as best blogger” thing up again so people can know about it and i can brag about it to people who have no idea about blogs and hopefully get them to give me money or something

dumbass of america says: done

dumbass of america says: im so sorry about that btw

raymi says: ok so like are you going to do anything to change your life ever

dumbass of america says: im in the process

dumbass of america says: i am applying for new jobs

dumbass of america says: that normally changes everything

raymi says: i dont care tony like i only have to get upset about something for a little while and then i am over it

raymi says: well are u going to move away from that fucking hollywood sign?

dumbass of america says: never

dumbass of america says: my rent is so cheap my landlord keeps trying to figure out ways to evict me. never once does he say, here’s a bag of money: leave!

raymi says: do u know any sceinonologists?

dumbass of america says: i met beck’s brother once. he played me midnight vultures months before it came out. thats about as close as i got.

raymi says: are u losing all of your hair yet?

dumbass of america says: i shaved it off a while ago

raymi says: are you sensitive about that question.

dumbass of america says: only a little

dumbass of america says: but not really

dumbass of america says: i know im olde

dumbass of america says: you really dont read me much do you?

raymi says: i do but u are like confusing u have all these links and pictures and i am always looking for stuff about me

raymi says: and then there are all these hollywood pictures and i am like yaaaaawn

raymi says: u need to talk about other stuff

dumbass of america says: well i could easilly make a I Heart Raymi blog but then people get the wrong idea

dumbass of america says: what should i write about?

raymi says: like i know u work for the xbi or whatever and maybe have access to secret stuff but i guess that works for boring lame people who care about current events in media and sports

raymi says: um write less about girls who come over to yer apt to be all i heart tony because then yer guy readers will be like i hate tony

dumbass of america says: i have no access to secret stuff thru the xbi

raymi says: like i think yer readers would want tony to grow up and get married or have a steady girl who isnt 14 yrs old and goes to vegas to buy halloween costumes because she has dumb hair

dumbass of america says: yikes

dumbass of america says: that was years ago baby

raymi says: ok well u live in hollywood and have access to weird people?

dumbass of america says: all i have access to is the internet

dumbass of america says: i have all the same access as anyone

raymi says: i know it was years ago but there are only so many things i can remember

raymi says: ok well then fine i am already forgetting the point i was trying to make

dumbass of america says: but since you bring her up

dumbass of america says: i dated ashley*, who was young, i will admit that

dumbass of america says: but i havent even really talked to her in like a year or two

dumbass of america says: but we loved each other

dumbass of america says: im no agist

dumbass of america says: and theres stuff in the new book about us breaking up

raymi says: well dating young is fine, just dont date dumb-young

raymi says: i like looking at those pictures though kuz even tho i hate celebrities i love looking at their cleavages

dumbass of america says: oh i have some nude courtney love pics then

raymi says: ok she is boring i dont care next question

raymi says: do u have a negative body image?

dumbass of america says: no

dumbass of america says: i like my bod

dumbass of america says: i have a little hairy belly that all the girls seem to like

dumbass of america says: my dick works fine

dumbass of america says: my ass sorta smells occassionally

dumbass of america says: but everything else seems pretty normal

raymi says: dude people reading this interview are going to be like tony thinks he is a porn star

raymi says: anyway

dumbass of america says: god i wish. maybe in heaven where it;s kosher.

raymi says: ok so when are u going to go to canada

raymi says: and completely come undone

raymi says: do u feel safe in los angeles

raymi says: are u afraid of the east side

dumbass of america says: i live on the east side of hollywood

dumbass of america says: eassside up, wessside down

raymi says: i am talking about the futhafuckin east coast

dumbass of america says: i feel totally safe in LA cuz i dress like a gangsta

dumbass of america says: oh that easside

dumbass of america says: only reason i want to go to TO is to see you in your natural domain

dumbass of america says: and get doubleteamed by terra and paige

raymi says: like u are um biggie and we are 2pac or whatever i think

raymi says: who the hell are terra and paige

dumbass of america says: im nwa

dumbass of america says: two youngsters in TO

raymi says: gross

raymi says: i mean

raymi says: are they lame

dumbass of america says: youre a youngster too babydoll

dumbass of america says: no theyre great

raymi says: am i older than they are

dumbass of america says: by maybe one year

raymi says: ok so i can boss them around and stuff?

raymi says: do they think they are better than me?

dumbass of america says: in my fantasies you boss us all around

raymi says: nice.

dumbass of america says: i wouldnt visit anyone who thought htat

raymi says: woah awesome.

dumbass of america says:

can i tell you something off the record

raymi says: i like that blogs are like highschool and i get to be the leader even though everyone is like i hate her

raymi says: tell it

dumbass of america says: [secret]

raymi says: and…

dumbass of america says: [secret]

raymi says: hhahah

raymi says: thanks

dumbass of america says: ok back to being on the record

dumbass of america says: isnt that weird though?>

raymi says: no

dumbass of america says: great

raymi says: ok lets stop being pervy

dumbass of america says: ok

raymi says: well i think it is kuz people get mega obsessed ove my pssy

dumbass of america says: msn chat does this to me

raymi says: its like a young looking one

dumbass of america says: i like your ass more

dumbass of america says: im not sure ive seen it though

raymi says: yeh well im all over perfect i guess

dumbass of america says: oh wait yea i have

dumbass of america says: ahahaha

raymi says: heheh

dumbass of america says: what would you change to your bod if you could?

raymi says: love handles and upper arms

raymi says: make them firmer

raymi says: they got firmer overthe summer when i was hyper longboarding and shit

dumbass of america says: baby youre so fine, dont change a thing

raymi says: ok then dont ask me that question juzt to come back with that

raymi says: every girl has her insecurities

raymi says: doi

raymi says: ok i seriously have to go drink beer now

dumbass of america says: ok seriously thanks for interviewing me

dumbass of america says: one last question

dumbass of america says: how do you like that nirvana box set?

raymi says: i do not own it my friend owns it and i like it just fine’

raymi says: ok xo

thanks raymi!

pretty much

how to blog by tony pierce, 110

1. write every day.

2. if you think youre a good writer, write twice a day.

3. dont be afraid to do anything. infact if youre afraid of something, do it. then do it again. and again.

4. cuss like a sailor.

5. dont tell your mom, your work, your friends, the people you want to date, or the people you want to work for about your blog. if they find out and you’d rather they didnt read it, ask them nicely to grant you your privacy.

6. have comments. dont be upset if no one writes in your comments for a long time. eventually they’ll write in there. if people start acting mean in your comments, ask them to stop, they probably will.

7. have an email address clearly displayed on your blog. sometimes people want to tell you that you rock in private.

8. dont worry very much about the design of your blog. image is a fakeout.

9. use Blogger. it’s easy, it’s free; and because they are owned by Google, your blog will get spidered better, you will show up in more search results, and more people will end up at your blog. besides, all the other blogging software & alternatives pretty much suck.

10. use spellcheck unless youre completely totally keeping it real. but even then you might want to use it if you think you wrote something really good.

11. say exactly what you want to say no matter what it looks like on the screen. then say something else. then keep going. and when youre done, re-read it, and edit it and hit publish and forget about it.

12. link like crazy. link anyone who links you, link your favorites, link your friends. dont be a prude. linking is what seperates bloggers from apes. and especially link if you’re trying to prove a point and someone else said it first. it lends credibility even if youre full of shit.

13. if you havent written about sex, religion, and politics in a week youre probably playing it too safe, which means you probably fucked up on #5, in which case start a second blog and keep your big mouth shut about it this time.

14. remember: nobody cares which N*Sync member you are, what State you are, which Party of Five kid you are, or which Weezer song you are. the second you put one of those things on your blog you need to delete your blog and try out for the marching band. similarilly, nobody gives a shit what the weather is like in your town, nobody wants you to change their cursor into a butterfly, nobody wants to vote on whether your blog is hot or not, and nobody gives a rat ass what song youre listening to. write something Real for you, about you, every day.

15. dont be afraid if you think something has been said before. it has. and better. big whoop. say it anyway using your own words as honestly as you can. just let it out.

16. get Site Meter and make it available for everyone to see. if you’re embarrassed that not a lot of people are clicking over to your page, dont be embarrassed by the number, be embarrassed that you actually give a crap about hits to your gay blog. it really is just a blog. and hits really dont mean anything. you want Site Meter, though, to see who is linking you so you can thank them and so you can link them back. similarilly, use Technorati, but dont obsess. write.

17. people like pictures. use them. save them to your own server. or use Blogger’s free service. if you dont know how to do it, learn. also get a Buzznet account. several things will happen once you start blogging, one of them is you will learn new things. thats a good thing.

18. before you hit Save as Draft or Publish Post, select all and copy your masterpiece. you are using a computer and the internet, shit can happen. no need to lose a good post.

19. push the envelope in what youre writing about and how youre saying it. be more and more honest. get to the root of things. start at the root of things and get deeper. dig. think out loud. keep typing. keep going. eventually you’ll find a little treasure chest. every time you blog this can happen if you let it.

20. change your style. mimic people. write beautiful lies. dream in public. kiss and tell. finger and tell. cry scream fight sing fuck and dont be afraid to be funny. the easiest thing to do is whine when you write. dont be lazy. audblog at least once a week.

21. write open letters. make lists. call people out on their bullshit. lead by example. invent and reinvent yourself. start by writing about what happened to you today. for example today i told a hot girl how wonderfully hot she is.

22. when in doubt review something. theres not enough reviews on blogs. review a movie you just saw, a tv show, a cd, a kiss you just got, a restaurant, a hike you just took, anything.

23. constantly write about the town that you live in.

24. out yourself. tell your secrets. you can always delete them later.

25. dont use your real name. dont write about your work unless you dont care about getting fired.

26. dont be afraid to come across as an asswipe. own your asswipeness.

27. nobody likes poems. dont put your poems on your blog. not even if theyre incredible. especially if theyre incredible. odds are theyre not incredible. bad poems are funny sometimes though, so fine, put youd dumb poems on there. whatever.

28. tell us about your friends.

29. dont apologize about not blogging. nobody cares. just start blogging again.

30. read tons of blogs and leave nice comments.

31. if you’re going to ripoff/mimic/be inspired by one blogger make it raymi, shes perfect.

– from the newly released book, how to blog

fimoculous’s best of 2004 lists + chokey chicken + found on floor + vanmega

yesterday as he ratted out barry bonds while admitting to taking steroids.

its bad to sell out. its really bad to stick a needle in your arm even though youre one of the best power hitters in the game. and it’s pretty much unforgiveable to sign a $100+ mil contract with the yankees.

but outting a fellow baseball player is completely unforgiveable.

the correct answer is no answer.

take the lumps.

and i have no love for barry bonds. please dont get me wrong. but there are certain codes among men.

not to mention union men.

from today’s sfgate:

The Giambis were among more than two dozen elite athletes summoned to San Francisco last year to testify in the federal investigation centered on the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative, a Burlingame nutritional business suspected of distributing “designer” steroids to elite athletes. In February, the grand jury indicted Anderson, BALCO founder Victor Conte and two other men on charges of conspiracy to distribute steroids and money laundering. They have pleaded not guilty.

Jeremy Giambi, a former A’s outfielder who spent 2004 with the minor league Las Vegas 51s, also told the BALCO grand jury that he had injected banned drugs received from Anderson, according to a transcript of his testimony.

Both Giambis testified that they had already used steroids before they met Anderson or heard of BALCO, and they said they were drawn to the trainer because of Bonds’ success.

Bonds has denied using steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs.

Jason Giambi hit 94 home runs in three seasons with the Yankees. But he played in fewer than half the team’s games this year, reportedly ill with an intestinal parasite and a benign tumor on his pituitary gland. His ties to BALCO fueled speculation that his illness was related to steroid use, but he told reporters in August that there was no connection.

In front of the grand jury, the Giambi brothers were instructed that they had been granted immunity from prosecution if they told the truth but faced perjury charges if they lied.

In his testimony, Jason Giambi told the grand jury he had used the injectable steroid Deca Durabolin “two years ago” — that is, in 2001, his last year with Oakland — after obtaining the drug from a source at a Gold’s Gym in Las Vegas.

Giambi said he had met Anderson in November 2002, when Bonds brought the trainer to join a group of big-leaguers on a barnstorming tour of Japan.

Giambi said he had queried Anderson about Bonds’ workout and health regimens.

“So I started to ask him: ‘Hey, what are the things you’re doing with Barry? He’s an incredible player. I want to still be able to work out at that age and keep playing,’ ” Giambi testified. “And that’s how the conversation first started.”

the dominoes are falling and theyre not going to stop until they bring down everyone with them and yesterday the first one fell and immediately he reached out to bring down the biggest one.

just like a bitch.

i believe giambi also broke the second rule of fight club.

when i start populating, the first thing i will tell my offspring if they show any interest in our national pasttime is, dont ever sign with the yankees.

and if im allowed to say something more to them i will advise them to never rat out their fellow ballplayers.

under any circumstances.

and if they ask me why, i will simply say

you dont want to be a dirty giambi do ya?

and they will shudder

like good little children.

xenoverse + offline adventures + ashmans blog