what can i say.

what do you say? here in LA this shit happens all the time, its just very odd for it to happen to me.

truly there are dozens of shows being taped all over this town.

but today in a studio about four blocks from the front door of my true love the cameras were aimed at me and everything that i said got shot around the entire world.

50 million people they tell me.

and theres so much i forgot to say cuz it went speeding by soooo quickly.

i wanted to say


i wanted to say

merry christmas

i wanted to say

anyone can succeed at blogging with a little practice

i wanted to say

i love you

i wanted to say

it’s ok.

god was i nervous today. i was nervous all day. but it was a good nervous.

i told the lovely producer named cat that i dont experiment with the things that they poisoned me with in college any more,

not because i have anything against it but because theres bigger highs out there now, ones that make you see trippy things or feel weird feelings

but in the morn you dont have to recover for a whole day.

or be paranoid that the cops are going to crash through the window.

i was late for the chauffered ford expedition, i was burning a tsar cd for cat, i was trying to find my ipod headphones

but i didnt need them because me and the driver became instant friends and we talked all the way there through not so bad traffic

and we talked all the way home through really horrible rushhour traffic. fuck!

and nearly when i got home i asked him if it would be cool if we went through the drive through and he said sure and i had realized that i hadnt eaten all day except for a little nibble of a rice krispies treat in the green room

and i gorged that mc rib and thought about getting makeup applied on my swill mug and bald head

and i thought about meeting the kool kids from the tv station

and i thought about how amazingly comfortable i felt in front of the cameras

so much so that i didnt even notice them. i just talked to kevin and blazed through his questions and didnt shake and didnt stutter and didnt stammer and didnt do a lot of the things that i do in regular life

for some reason the addrenalin and the butterflies took over and blocked the demons who were so shocked that i was even there that they didnt stand a chance.

and there was a dude in the hallway that i met after the deal who said that he was the one who got me on the show and i want to thank him and apologize for not remembering his name but my mind was blown and if he emails me i will send him a book

because in a year where many many many cool things happened to me

this was the coolest.

and when i finally got home and sat down in front of the tv

and saw myself in that profile i smiled from ear to ear and said

shit, im getting fat.

i took this one so you could see what i saw + the set + the bit torrent + thanks to everyone, especially cat! + the web interview they conducted with me

dear kobe,

it looks like in a few months i just might have a new job.

it will allow me an outlet to be creative, it will enable me to do what i most like doing – helping others, and it’s somehow an even shorter commute than my current job in that it is a mere three subway stops from my hollywood bachelor pad.

but dude, im going to have to apply for the ever increasingly necessary job of telling you to shut the fuck up.

i dont care if karl malone put his fingers to his lips, looked at your woman and licked them with his big crazy tounge.

which he didnt do, by the way.

i dont care if karl malone lapdanced your beautiful wife while you were driving the lane.

which he also didnt do.

karl malone, because hes a semi-truck driving hick, was wearing cowboy boots and a cowboy hat (pictured) when your wife asked him what he was hunting for

and karl malone said, im hunting little mexican girls.

which we’re all hunting kobe


and when she became outraged and when she called karls wife and when he called you allegedly he didnt deny it.

cuz hes a man.

who was kidding.

now if you remember, karl malone hasnt always said the smartest things. remember when he told the press once magic announced that he had HIV that he didnt want magic playing in the nba.

remember when karl became a laker how he wanted to unretire magic’s number?

yes he apologized for both of those instances, but kobe, between you and me, theres a reason hes wearing cowboy boots at a basketball game.

talking to your wife.

and if i was getting paid a small stipend thats when it would be time for you to call me

and you would have told me what transpired and i would have then said

ok kobe, now shut the fuck up.

and i would go back to my newly installed hot tub.

and because im so fucking good at my job, i would call your beautiful bride

the one you cheated on

and id say mrs. bryant, with all due respect im going to have to invite you to shut the fuck up too.

and if she gets indignant and starts yelling at me, then i will shut the fuck up.

and when the dust settles everyone will be kool and the gang.

but if you notice nothings kool and the gang right now kobe.

here are my terms: pay my cellphone bill, get me season floor seats near the laker girls, and an escalade. thats it. and you get to call me day or night.

maybe you’ll have to chip in for gas.

and i will probably listen and listen and at the end i will say uh huh now shut the fuck up.

every now and then i will add


at no extra charge.

four o’clock + brit coal + futurballa + howard owens is back

its almost three am

im nowhere near falling asleep which is too bad because i have a lot to do tomorrow before the limo shows up to roll me to my doom.

miss montreal has been loaning me her car and tomorrow i promised to have it washed.

i also have to get a statement from the 92 year old woman saying that she rented me my apartment And the parking space. it looks like my landlord wants to take me to court over the matter. fun! im going to transcribe what she says and type it up and film her as i read it to her.

shes awesome but her fingers are so riddled with arthritius it’ll be interesting to see how she signs the thing. but that too will be on video.

and then i have some books to mail out. one gentleman sent along a real arrowhead with his check. thanks buddy!

there are so many things that i want to talk about on tv and one of them im afraid will be overlooked so i will write about it now.

many people claim that i am prolific. or they ask how i have so much time to write.

truth is i have very little time to write during the day, but there is a magical thing here in the United States called… well, i dont know what its called but by law your employer has to give you two (2) 15-minute breaks and one 30-minute lunch if you work eight hours.

a lot of us are stuck in front of computers all day. my suggestion is use those two 15-minute breaks to write something quick on your blog.

believe it or not but 15 minutes is plenty of time to write 6-7 paragraphs if you have your idea marinating as you prepare for your break.

and not only that, but ive noticed that when youre focused and you have a finite ending time, odds are you will actually get your post written. whereas many times if you have no end time your attention drifts off into just clicking around the web.

use your breaks, and when you do, why not put on a break hat? that way your boss knows that youre not to be disturbed cuz even though it might look like youre working, youre actually on your break blogging.

you say you dont have an official break hat?

todays your lucky day.

the newest addition to the busblog merch shop is the official break hat, just in time for Christmas.

and in keeping with the season, all profits of the official break hat will go to charity. (about $5 a hat.)

so right away your new hat will be performing miracles.

and with that good deed, now it’s time to hit the hay.

the official busblog break hat