two years ago

today on the busblog

two hot girls called me this weekend to tell me that they had broken up with their dudes. one of the girls, actually, told me that she had broken up with her chick, but that chick actually liked being called a dude. long story.

anyway, my response to both of them was, come on over, let me comfort you.

and both of them, naturally, declined my generous offer.

one of them said that she didn’t want to be just another one of my women. i told her i had no women. she said ha and pointed to exhibit a, the busblog. i reminded her that nothing on the busblog was true. she said she knew half the girls i talked about on the busblog including clippergirl, to which i told her that clippergirl and i really sit around holding hands and doing very little else. to which she asked me if i was inviting her over to hold hands and very little else and i said sure come on over and we’ll play a little game called lets hold hands and see if we can do very little else.

she said she didn’t want to come over and play that game.

i said its cuz you know that you’d lose.

then the lesbian lover called not soon after. she said that she really wanted to be with a man since itd been so long.

i told her that until she found the man that she was looking for i would try to pretend to be one.

she let me know that i was indeed the type of man that she was looking for, but she wasn’t interested at that time, she just had read yesterdays entry where i disclosed that my computer was full of viruses and i could come over to her penthouse and use her computer if i wanted.

i said, i already blogged that night, that i didn’t need a computer, but i did need someone to drink with.

she said, its always about drinking with you, isnt it.

this is the glamorous life of a blogger, friends.

i said, no it isnt always about drinking, its mostly about watching sports. to which she asked me questions about love. about how she should go about finding real love this time. and i said if i knew those answers i wouldn’t be sitting around on a sunday night totally turned on and frustrated about to crack open another bottle of bacardi as my tivo paused the Survivor finale.

she asked me if my house was clean. i said yes.

she asked me if my sheets were clean. i told her that i had just done my laundry while watching the lakers. i told her that not only my sheets were clean but they were warm and downy scented.

she asked me if i loved her. i told her that i loved her perfect body and her brilliant mind.

she asked me if i would do things to her that her girlfriend wouldn’t do.

i told her that i would only do to her things that her girlfriend wouldn’t do.

she giggled and told me that she’d take a raincheck.

i knew that these girls just wanted me to beg. im too old to beg. plus part of begging demands promises, lies, white lies. i cant lie. biggest thing i wanted yesterday was just to fall asleep with a nice girl next to me.

she added that she thought that i was a little depressed and she wanted to cheer me up. easiest way to cheer up a bachelor, ladies, is to reach down their pants and whisper. crude, yes, but the truth.

truth doesn’t always hurt.

her long fingernails may have hurt a little bit.

got a second raincheck within an hour and unpaused the tivo, heated up some peas and a baked potato and watched tv alone

as the camera panned away

and pulled back

up into the sky

into the dark night

filled with twinkling little stars

and then nothingness.

internet movie script database + blogging la + wil wheaton

stealing from other blogs

fellow project du’ers stereogum posed this question to their readers

I SAW ROCK & ROLL’S ________ AND ITS NAME IS _________.
Posted by stereogum at May 9, 2005 09:03 AM

here were some of the responses:

I saw “rock n’ roll’s” future, and it never even occurred to me, when Blink 182 opened for my band years ago.

Posted by: Billy at May 9, 2005 12:14 PM

I saw Rock n’ Roll’s retirement home and its name is VH1.
Posted by: adam at May 9, 2005 12:18 PM

I saw rock ‘n’ roll’s downfall and its name is East London
Posted by: chris at May 9, 2005 12:28 PM

i saw rock & roll’s height of lowest common denominator exploitation and her name is gwen stefani
Posted by: somebody at May 9, 2005 12:32 PM

I saw Rock N’ Roll’s ‘taint, and its name is Fiery Furnaces
Posted by: Jonah at May 9, 2005 12:39 PM

I saw rock & roll’s _aging_flacid_penis_ and its name is _liam_gallager_.
Posted by: matthew at May 9, 2005 01:26 PM

I saw rock and roll’s blistery, puss-filled sex-change scar and it’s name was Christian Rock.
Posted by: drew at May 9, 2005 01:31 PM

I saw Rock & Roll’s birth certificate and its name is actually Rhythm & Blues.
Posted by: Presto at May 9, 2005 02:42 PM

i saw rock n roll’s younger zit popping pain-in-the-ass brother, and it was called linkin park.
Posted by: EasyP at May 9, 2005 02:44 PM

I saw rock n roll’s murderer and its name is clear channel
Posted by: nicky at May 9, 2005 03:04 PM

I saw rock and roll’s saviours from it’s own self-importance and its name was Tenacious D.
Posted by: GaryF at May 9, 2005 03:23 PM

I saw rock & roll’s future and it’s name was censored by the FCC.
Posted by: dee at May 9, 2005 03:24 PM

i saw rock & roll’s little sister and it’s name is smoosh.
Posted by: inchworm at May 9, 2005 03:40 PM

I saw Rock and Roll’s choice of wood stain, and it was Light Walnut.
Posted by: SC at May 9, 2005 03:45 PM

I saw Rock and Roll’s onomatopoeia and it was Air Supply.
Posted by: Topher at May 9, 2005 03:49 PM

I saw rock n’ roll’s bleating, malnourished goat and its name is Pitchfork.
Posted by: Andy at May 9, 2005 04:08 PM

I saw rock n’ rolls future on Friday and it’s name was THE MARS VOLTA
Posted by: mlf at May 9, 2005 04:26 PM

I saw rock & roll’s underwear and it had its name written inside.
Posted by: Tequila Red at May 9, 2005 04:37 PM

I saw rock & roll’s 30-year-long obituary and its name is Rolling Stone magazine.
Posted by: the management at May 9, 2005 04:48 PM

I saw this rock and roll generation’s anwser to Pat Boone and its names are Hillary Duff and Ashlee Simpson and Good Charlotte.
Posted by: Grimmone at May 9, 2005 04:49 PM

I saw rock and roll’s better sounding cousins for free on the internets and they were called Uncle Tupelo and Son Volt.
Posted by: wunderdog at May 9, 2005 04:59 PM

I saw Rock ‘n Roll’s playist on iTunes, and it had a inexplicable emphasis on Dogstar.
Posted by: Topher at May 9, 2005 05:43 PM

i saw rock ‘n roll’s new decaf blend of new order extra-lite and its name is the killers espresso roast
Posted by: marsh at May 9, 2005 07:06 PM

i saw rock ‘n roll’s saviour and it is the internet
Posted by: mat coz at May 9, 2005 09:07 PM

i saw rock and rolls spandex and it’s name was Van Halen….too bad they were the fucking best.
Posted by: The Bird at May 11, 2005 12:27 PM

read the rest + why would shane deny this? + paige + raspil

phoenix sun steve nash

recently won this years NBA Most Valuable Player award

a distinction that he totally earned despite the suprise that was his impressive season.

nash led the league in assists (861, nearly 200 more than the second place Stephon Marbury),

dropped a not-too-shabby 1165 points in the supercompetitive west,

and was the ringleader of the phoenix team that will probably win it all.

basically he took a lottery team and made them the best club in basketball in the old school showtime laker style while no-looking his way into the playoffs

and once and for all proved that dallas mavericks owner mark cuban really isnt any smarter than any other fantasy hoops gm who trades people to quickly and forgets how important defense is.

although jason terry is doing pretty well for dallas during the playoffs, the mavs could have used nash during the season and he will be the difference during this series versus his old team.

the other day, the bastardly made an excellent point of illustrating how rare its been for white men to achieve the nba mvp award.

dirk, peja, and manu better help nash savor this award because according to the list below, white men getting the nba mvp is getting harder to find than a blog sans ads.

2004 – Kevin Garnett – Brotha
2003 – Tim Duncan – Brotha
2002 – Tim Duncan – Brotha
2001 – Allen Iverson – Brotha
2000 – Shaquille O’Neal – Brotha
1999 – Karl Malone – Brotha
1998 – Michael Jordan – Brotha
1997 – Karl Malone – Brotha
1996 – Michael Jordan – Brotha
1995 – David Robinson – Brotha
1994 – Hakeem Olajuwon – Brotha
1993 – Charles Barkley – Brotha
1992 – Michael Jordan – Brotha
1991 – Michael Jordan – Brotha
1990 – Magic Johnson – Brotha
1989 – Magic Johnson – Brotha
1988 – Michael Jordan – Brotha
1987 – Magic Johnson – Brotha
1986 – Larry Bird – White Man
1985 – Larry Bird – White Man
1984 – Larry Bird – White Man

h/t gorilla mask + kitty bukkake + chelle is back + happy belated bday xiaxue