Nine Inch Nails will not be performing

at the MTV Movie Awards as previously announced. We were set to perform “The Hand That Feeds” with an unmolested straightforward image of George W. Bush as the backdrop. Apparently the image of our President is as offensive to MTV as it is to me. See you on tour this fall when we return to play in America.


dear dave grohl,

i understand that mtv has chosen you to replace NIN as a performer at the 2005 MTV Movie Awards.


heres what i would do if i were you.

first id get your band to soak themselves in mud.

then you need to also soak yourself in mud and lower yourself from the ceiling rotating on your back like trent in the closer video.

then i want you to unfurl a huge portrait of the president george bush, exactly the same one that trent wanted to display before mtv remembered that dear leader could snap his fingers and the fcc could find something to start using viacom as an atm

and then dave grohl you and the foo fighters should break into “god save the queen”

heres the lyrics

God save the queen
her fascist regime
It made you a moron,
a potential h bomb.

God save the queen
she ain’t no human being
There is no future
and england’s dreaming

Don’t be told what you want don’t be told what you need
There’s no future no future no future for you

God save the queen
we mean it man
We love our queen
God saves

God save the queen
cos tourists are money
And our figurehead
is not what she seems

Oh God save history
God save your mad parade
Oh lord God have mercy
all crimes are paid

When there’s no future
how can there be sin
We’re the flowers in the dustbin
We’re the poison in your human machine
We’re the future
Your Future!

God save the queen
we mean it man
We love our queen
God Saves

God save the queen
we mean it man
There is no future
in england’s dreaming

No future No Future No Future for you
No future No Future No Future for me

No future No Future No Future for you
No future No Future No Future for you

not too many artists are in your position mr. grohl. nirvana’s catalogue will sell forever. meanwhile youve already made a fortune from the foo fighters, a treasure trove no one, im sure even yourself, expected.

mtv are gutless cock sucking pansies dying to bend over to the will of those who snap their fingers the loudest.

there used to be a time that the rock star called the shots and the suits stepped and fetched it.

how many times during your working week do you have a chance to be punk rock and stand up for what you believe in while sticking it to the man who is treating you like a second choice and a safer pick?

please do the right thing and f them like animals.

nin videos + england’s dreaming + i would never bother you

what the hell climbed up my ass

in 2003?

i don’t know anything. i walk around and i smile and i swoop down from the heavens and do my thing and disappear in the smoke and mayhem but when the bell rings and i put away my number two pencil i don’t know shit.

somehow i figured out money. for me, money.

i also figured out how to go on dates. how not to fear things. how to beat crime. how to bet on baseball.

how to use the force.

but those things don’t mean anything.

what means anything to you.

i don’t even know what means anything to me.

right now making dreams come true means something to me. making mountains out of molehills. finding out how small a mustard seed of faith i need to move that mountain.

people write and say nice things and link and it doesn’t help you’d think it would, it doesn’t.

it makes me look back at what they saw and i don’t see it.

people ask about the links but they should pay attention to the pictures. the pictures are the distractions. the pictures are to make up for the words. the pictures are to make up for the grammar spelling sloppiness hurriedness technology lack of everything

sometimes i don’t even know who im comparing this to. my friends, obviously, cuz they’re not only pros but they should be pros. but even the fakers. even the fake pros who don’t believe all that right wing hoo ha but they type it cuz that’s where the audience is and the meal ticket and the next job.

my kingdom for someone to say i am not better off now than i was two and a half years ago, they found no weapons of mass destruction, they lied about what they knew on 9/10, they lied about pretty much everything and now they’re giving unnecessary tax breaks at a time when our country actually needs money, fuck bush. where are the big time suit wearing mother fuckers with the fuck bush in the lede?

all over the world there are big time suit wearing leaders on both sides of the fence except in the home of the brave.

here there are just the conservatives the ultra conservatives and the fucking losers.

people forgot that the liberals are the last successful party. and other people are selfish enough to pretend that the dems didnt do anything for this nation. fuck both of them.

i don’t care.

all i care is that im about to go to bed and that a blonde girl wants me to talk dirty to her.

all i care is the day is done and i got to bowl again and i got to say hi to some nice people in the world and im one more day closer to something else.

and i really hope it really is something else.

paul frankenstein + say a prayer for our pal wil + anniemosity + zulieka

dear amelia

dont waste your time trying to lose weight for your man.

im not saying that you couldnt do it or he wouldnt appreciate it, but how many people do you really see ever lose the 20-30 pounds they want to shed. im sure you two ladies only need to trim 4-5, if that…

but food is great. enjoy your food, and know that your husbands love you no matter what sized car your soul is driving in.

instead focus on lingerie and costumes.

when we’re not eating and drinking and spilling our seed, men are visual creatures, delight our imaginations. also talk dirty. say exactly whats on your mind.

two girls were over last night and i hadnt met one of them before and i was all when you put on this top hat nothing that you say will be used against you, recorded, blogged, repeated, or judged

but it only works if you take off your skirt.

that little girl had that top hat on in seconds and was spouting out some of the most filthy thoughts id ever heard outside the xbi lockerroom.

and since im one to take requests, i pushed her down and cranked up the boom box.

her friend hit the lights and i didnt wake up til one.

im telling you that none of it wouldnt have been nearly as good if she hadnt shown up in a little red riding hood outfit after fedexing me a wolf costume earlier in the week.

im not sure of the availability of outfits of this quality out there in the carribean, but you guys have carnival, theres a few things i bet someone could do with a little needle and thread. or you might want to hit up your former airline employer for a stewardess uniform, which has never been known to disappoint in my experience.

as for the lines that you quoted me on. pretend when you read this blog that nothing in here is true. or pretend that sometimes i know the cheerleaders im trying to get with read this blog and maybe im making a little joke with them and im saying something outrageous to make them laugh. or pretend that maybe i drink a lot of rum some nights and i type out nonsense.

i know this is a small world. and i know that i get a ridiculously large amount of readers for the type of crap that i write. i also know that most of the globe is not like hollywood california, where the average man and woman have not married their first sexual partners. however in no way would i want to insult anyone, anywhere, especially in a tropical isle that i would love to visit one day if i can ever win a cruise on regis and kelly.

what was the question again? ah yes, how old must a man get to be as wise as me. like dress size, age doesnt mean anything. i often find myself in the presence of teenagers, college kids, and twentysomethings. sometimes i even find myself around people as old as you and your best girlfriend. i love all of you. everyone has something to offer. everyone is aware. everyone is smart about something.

its not about age, its about experience. i know some people who did so much wild shit when they were in high school that even though theyre 22 now, theyve totally got it about the world and life and love and money and everything. its bizarre. those are the people who dont need the top hat to lay it out in a confident and beautiful way.

and then i run across people who have had normal lives, gone to college, had kids, gotten houses, maybe they had even protested the vietnam war in the sixties, and smoked a little weed in the seventies with a black girl even,

and they have turned into the most backwards, unenlightened, fearful, bogus, cowardly, hateful, ignorant, ugly americans you could ever imagine. it was as if they learned nothing along their way other than birth school work death.

now some of those people are super nice people. please dont get me wrong. you can be lost and still have a really good heart. and im not even saying that i dont like hanging out with them. pat buchannan for example would be awesome at a backyard bbq i bet. awesome. bob dole spent most of his life being a tool, but now that hes retired i bet hes got some decent stories to tell and a drinking game or two that he could beat your ass at.

so dont get fooled by age.

also dont think that im a romantic just because i hold myself until my girlfriend is fulfiled. first of all nothing in here is true. stories about sex on the internet should be met with as much skepticism as stories about sex in the penthouse letters. also i date a lot of young women who have never been able to fully let go before so it doesnt take very long to “wait” for them to become satiated. and also i am very old and ive seen it all so its gonna take me a while to round third anyway if you know what i mean, which you probably dont but its cool im often misunderstood.

anyways thank you for all the nice things that you wrote in your email. its very very nice to read such things because i am not always as chipper as i might appear to be and random emails from around the globe are as wonderful as you can imagine.

my love to trinidad and the sandy topless beaches of tabbago.

just a girl + bicycle mark + green catfish + fat free milk