Daily Archives: May 16, 2005

miss serbia reminds me of my beautiful wife

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moxie who knows a thing or two about floating in a hotel pool and this morning she emailed me and said that if i wanted to swim with her and her girlfriends that wednesday would be the day and i was all why not today what else you girls have to do and she was all we have to tone up.

these are the skinniest girls youve ever met, america. skinniest.

some people think the biggest problems in america is the fact that the republicans are gangbanging the consititution or that we’ve caused such a disturbance in iraq that the secretary of state cant even make a secret trip to baghdad without car bombs exploding or handcuffed executed men being found in the ghettos, or the fact that newsweek reported that us interrogators flushed the koran down a toilet in guantanemo bay in a way to torture afghan prisoners and people started rioting thousands of miles away in the middle east even though this shit has been going on for years.

no the biggest problem facing america is the fact that everyone thinks theyre fat and no one can enjoy eating and walking around and laying out poolside and getting naked on my coffee table without being selfconsious.

im all just dance bitch clearing room for her and threatening to go up there and shwo her how its done.

a man should be able to sit in his layzboy pack a bowl and crack open two miller high lifes and put together a funky little playlist on his itunes without having to tell the ho that she isnt fat eightyfive times. im going to start writing down what lines work and what lines dont because there is a combination

oh you get the hottest girls in la up in here i cant show you my legs.

come on baby you know i have no memory, plus nothing in there is true, im actually a thirty year old virgin, you know those who always talk about it never get it.

youre getting it now

am i?

dont stop, get it, get it
we are your captains in it
steady,
watch me navigate,
ahahahahahhaa.

then after they cover up, then when they go to the hot tub they cover up, then when they walk across the yard to answer the bell from the case of mgd being delivered by pink dot they cover up and i say baby i swear if i was a chick and i had the shit that youve got and some delivery dude was bringing me beer id let him have an eyefull, you dont know men, that would make a mans day.

you dont know women she tells me and its true and im laying there with a gut and this year is the first year ive ever thought twice about taking my shirt off at a pool but shit after what she and i went through who am i kidding

im going to eat cheese on my burgers, im going to have mayo on it, im going to drink regular coke when i want regular coke and its summer if i want ice cream at two am in long beach im going to have a fucking ice cream from a roach coach in long beach.

people are blowing themselves up allegedly because of a magazine that most of these, and this is not a slur its the truth, illiterate fanatics who seem to have run out of reasons to suicide each other

and these fingerpolishing size four hawaiians are convinced that theyre fat.

and as soon as she returns im pitching a tent under my beach towel and i say baby let me show you the difference between what is fat and what is not fat.

and when she comes back with the bowl of pretzels im gonna see if she’ll play a lil game of marco polo with me.

slightly modified.

kitty bukkake + just a girl + sk smith + jenny lee

she wrote a note in a paypal donation comment box

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that said Write whatever u want 4 14mins and 20secs. I don’s care what u write jus be urself. KTHXBI! and then flowed me $20.

i wanted to reply back that i wasnt really asking for donations but then i realized i had always taken donations why not now and i also realized that i had her address so i could send her something in return because a post on a blog isnt really having anything, is it? is it? who knows.

i guess we’ve started. its 11:36 sportsfans and this is your pal tone rockin the m-i-c from high atop the thirteenth storie condo of a fine young thing that i found looking for a ride home. i said i might be going that way but i dont have a car she said thats cool do you know how to get there on the bus and i said yes so she said yes and when everyone says yes you know everythings gonna end up with a no somewhere the question is where and to make a drunk story short she still hasnt said no.

ive been in a slump paypal girl ive been in a funk ive been in a drunk ive been in a dump ive been to the mountaintop and ive found the promised land like 169 times but i get cockblocked by the weirdest situations and peoples and sometimes i even cockblock myself both intentionally and unintentionally and its only 11:39.

morrissey is on the itunes and i wonder if this girl is really flagrant in disguise. theres good nudes and bad nudes to anonymous bloggers and one is they could have been holding your hand all night beneath the flowing canopie of their four post princess bed in her daddys condo on wilshire. its a gray morning which meant that normally id sleep in but since this wasnt my place my body clock said get up foo you dont know who these people are and if they find you alone in their babies bed then they’ll think you raped her and ate her or something. 11:41.

ive gotten calls with job offers, little jobs. they could be good they could be bad i dont know what they are, i just dont want them. theres like five places that i would work for today and only half know it. how dumb am i how dumb am i. i remember getting my hs diploma thinking shit man the worlds my oyster which means i will place it to the side and eat the shrimp cuz i dont like oysters. then i got my college dimploma and i didnt even see it until ten years after on my mommas stairwell leading to the basement and i was all so thats what that looks like. in hs they gave us a wallet sized version whihc i carried around for years and years and that one i should put up somewhere cuz hs was a bitch. all you kids out there struggling, let me tell you this, keep your head down and go for the hole. its the hardest thing you’ll ever do. everything else is cake.

i ride the bus and i think i could be a busdriver i look at the cabs and i think i could be a cabbie. i look at the limos and i say shit i could totally be a private driver and id never even have to tell em that i know how to shoot a gun. thats it i tell myself i will be a chauffeur for some old rich family that lives in the hills and gets off on getting driven around by their driver and telling him how to improve on his place in life.

eleven fourty seven and i wonder if there are situations like that where they’ll give the guy a town car and a cell phone and feel good about calling me up day or night and say antonio, cuz that would be my driver name, antonio can you pick up misses at the goldblatts, i apologize i realize its early and id say driving your wife and your family is not just my job its my love and the old dude would laugh and say oh you.

eleven fourty nine and i forget how long im supposed to write this for lets just say something stinks in this house and yes its me but its probably the sink too. ooooh or maybe the garbage. speaking of garbage who the hell unleashed all this german spam? if youre gonna spam, lets get it together. spam us government secrets spam us science revelations, teach us spanish. teach us cuban. teach us how to cook better.

id love to get 113 recipies in my spam box that said viagra cake which in reality was actually a delicious bundt situation that you sprinkle some viagra in the batter, or if you dont have viagra substitute hershey kisses.

its 11:53 and time is up but all i have to say paypal girl is im procrastinating on something that since you gave me twenty bones i will send to you when im done making it. and i thank you for your generosity im lucky even if i have to type near a stinky trash can sprayed with barfed champagne.

abrasivist + the state im in + zulieka + iron mouth has great video of john bolton’s true colors