i first met miss spain universe

mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

she didnt know the place was a topless tapas establishment either, but we both took off our shirts and cozied up to the bar.

i was there with two dozen of my closest friends to see rock group tsar [who play tonight in Downey].

there being spain, not the topless tapas place.

mar’a asked me if i was americano

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked my tapas

i said, si.

she asked me if i liked her cunt-

then she coughed


and i said


she asked me if i knew more spanish than just yes and no and i said


she asked me what other words i knew.

i said, burrito, taco, guacamole…

she said, we dont have those things here.

i said, si.

so we simply slowdanced to the spanish guitars and i sang her a little song that i made up there on the spot.

i sang

spanish girl
in all the world
i want a spanish girl

she doesnt know
how much i weigh in pounds
she doesnt care
that im 108, 108 years oooooold
oooooh my spanish girl.

she sighed and looked at me with eyes of a girl falling madly in love
as the twinkle lights of the disco ball rained possibilities
and the lines began to form outside the duncan donuts shop across the pallazo.

she said, i know how much pounds you weigh.

i said, what about the metric system.

she said, yes, but i know.

i said, ah.

she said, si.

and i smiled.

i tilted my head toward the exito and raised an eyebrow

she smiled si si.

we escaped into the madrid night forgetting our shirts

and not giving a muchas gracias.

– originally posted may 24, 2004

guinness and poker + leah + anti + the hun

two years ago


laurita says im her idol. shes the one going to law school, so shes my idol.

theres nothing better than a smart girl.

two smart girls maybe.

i read her site goobita a long time ago and for some reason we never talked till now.

the other night we talked about some blogs that we read.

all i have to say is you people have stories to tell and pretty blogs, i wish you’d write in them.

i hate that our friends and family, or the fear about friends and family keep people from telling their stories.

something must be done.

this is the first time in mankind that people from all over the world, completely different people, can tell each other what its like to live where they live and do the things that they do.

why hold back?

xbi called me this morning. apologized for calling on our company vacation. gnarly shit going down in the valley, where its been super hot.

i didnt want to go to the super hot. and i didnt go to sleep last night till five.

karisa still had my flying car so i took a cab into the office

los angeles this morning was glorious, people of earth. warm, clear, smooth, sweet.

he didnt say nothing to me and i didnt say nothing to him.

the jazz coming out of the boom box on the passengers front seat sounded like monk i could barely hear it behind the bullet proof glass.

when i was a kid i rode in a car by a current pro baseball player and i sat in the back seat and i thought i wonder if anyone knows who this guy is driving, that they just cheered for him a few hours ago.

this morning i thought i wonder if this taxi driver knows that what hes saying on his cell phone right now is being heard by one of the few people who could fuck his shit up in a major way.

cops say that the bad guys are all asleep on a saturday morning.

sometimes theyre driving cabs totally sober.

sometimes theyre in the back seat totally hung.

laurita + dave + photoblogs experiment + if blogebrity was fake before, its real now

today is bob dylans 64th birthday.

im lucky enough to totally get bob dylan. i say lucky cuz i know a lot of people who arent. which is funny because those people are very likely to totally get burns or blake or eliot even.

a pretty girl drove me to frys electronics in burbank. she was all something shadys going on in here and i was all i know shhh. we were shopping for computer monitors because mine is about to blow out.

as some of you know, i live in ken laynes old hollywood bachelor pad, yes the genius behind sploid. right off the living room there’s a walk in closet of sorts that ken used for his laptop to write some of the best things you ever saw in the online journalism review,

but the space that i currently house my monitor that ken used for his laptop is spacious, therefore this newfangled plasma screen jobs are useless for me

and the biggest oldschool CRT monitors that frys had in stock were 19″ jobbers for $200.

but i had just been on ebay and recalled Sony 24″ professional monitors for $300-$400, wouldnt it be worth a little more for something top of the line?

all my years selling electronics has taught me that if you can get from bottom of the line to top of the line in two hundred bucks for something that youre using every damn day then you should go for it.

and i left frys electronics emptyhanded

for the first time i think in my entire life.

thats like going to costco for the buck hotdog.

its two fifty five and im listening to boots of spanish leather on bob dylans birthday and im not the slightest bit sleepy.

and the only thing i have to do tomorrow i think i can pull off, two things really

first i have to send karisa my resume because any time you get a second chance to work with karisa you should probably take it.

even though im going to have to buy whole new clothes

and grow up a little

and the second thing is to see tsar play live in downey,

and secret buddy who sent me the new tsar cd via the elusive magic of the internets

thank you thank you thank you

my favorite dylan song + the hottest girl in panama just became a stewardess + siri baby