heres the thing about me and love

ditkathings start off great. in monopoly you get money, a car or a thimble or a hat, and you get to roll.

with me, i pretty much already love you. why? who knows, why do you get money in Monopoly? cuz you just do!

but as time goes by if you treat me poorly i will start not loving you. this can spiral.

but odds are i love you. this can increase if you make food for me, clean my apartment, treat me like a human, or let me put my hand on your thigh as we drive down PCH.

i’ll also love you if i just drank a bunch of Mexican Coke.

or if the Cubs just won a close game.

or if theres something good playing at the Vista.

or if someone just hands me a bowl of banana creme pudding.

or if theres something good on the radio.

or if the Muffs are about to play the Echoplex

or if the taco from the taco truck doesnt get me sick.

or if you text me nudes when i least expect it.

or if you let me put a washer dryer in my apartment after 15 years of having to go to the coin laundry.

or if you put Pete Rose into the Hall of Fame where he deserves to be.

or if you dress like a hooker and get me chinese food on my 30th birthday because im freaked that ive entered old age.

or if your band truly has a dual guitar attack.

or if you retweet my tweet instead of like it.

or if you legalize weed and stop the war on drugs.

or if you win the super bowl for walter payton.

or if you love the poor and give them good things.

or if you skateboard over a broken down car thats on fire.

or if you make a movie that gives me hope and has me singing the theme song in the parking lot.

but if you dick me over royally i’ll hold it against you forever even if it kills me first.

they dont want you to enjoy your weekend

5zNTgbti have a lot of things i have to write this weekend

a couple are for LAist, and one is to save college journalism.

theyre actually not that hard to do which is maybe why ive been dragging my feet on them.

procrastination is such an interesting phenomenon.

i wonder if it’s truly what separates us from apes.

do you think monkeys see a banana tree in the distance and say, yeah as soon as i watch this here sunset then i’ll monkey my way over there and eat some damn bananas?

i sure know with my cats if they see i forgot to tuck in the strings from my hoodie they waste no time leaping across the room to attack it.

and chew it. and get it stuck in their claws and slobber all over it.

but humans, we think of other, less important things to get in our way to achieving our goal.

i woke up sweating this morning which is something i used to do all the time when i was younger.and it sure is weird to have that happen in the winter with just one blanket and no hot babe next to me.

back when i was in frisco living with the truest i used to soak the bed with sweat all the time. poor girl. in the middle of the night she’d wake me up and id go get a towel and put it over my huge disgusting sweat spot and sometimes we even did a quick sheet swap. she was an angel about it and never complained. the problem back then was i was spooning her too much and all that body heat would cause it

or so i thought.

maybe invisible angels were in my bed last night, keeping me warm, telling me its gonna be all right, that no way would baseball be so stupid as to institute the DH in the national league.