me and brittany murphy were sitting in a tree.

k-i-s-s-i-n-g. she wishes. listening to the new nirvana song. their songs depress me, but that one depresses me for all new reasons.

the wind shoved the leaves around a little and brittany tapped my knee quickly and said happy things sweetie, teeth grinding, mild perspiration forming as a light coat on the surface of her skin.

talk about love. sweet love. love between two people on a starry night in the valley on the hood of a car in the parking lot of a super k after a softball game.

i said i love you brittany because you’re not ashamed to give it up to papa roach.

she laughed.

her eyes were dilating.

she said, i love you because you turned me on to that las ketchup video.

across the street a white ford taurus backed out of a driveway. an american flag hung next to the mailbox of the yellow ranch style home. it was a pretty good neighborhood. hardly anyone was out.

real love though tony, lets talk about real love. not music. magic love. lovey dove love. the kind dreams are made of.

the kind that would get me to eat onions right now or listen to dave matthews?

without warning, the sprinklers kicked in atop the front lawn next door, startling the starlet.

a coyote howled of thirst in the canyon.

a neighbor slammed his bedroom window shut.

yes, she said, onion love. dmb love. lovey luv, she said into my ear softly and nibbled there like she had nibbled on an ear a few times in her day.

the wind blew some of the sprinkler water high into the tree where we were and we decided that we should climb back down and get into her car.

but the tree was fun. and now the limbs were slippery and the grass was wet.

lets stay in this tree forever she said and i said fine and we held hands and looked through the branches at the moon.

the whooshing had mellowed and the coyote had been silenced and everything was nice as the tree swayed gently in the night.

then a bedroom window became unlatched and it slid up and an accusing voice yelled, “and get the fuck out of my tree!”

startling the superfreaks.


and the window was slammed and we jumped into the wet grass and the flight seemed long and slow and wonderful.

even though it was fleeting

like love, true love, on such a winters day.

theres a sexy cheerleader who comes over to my house

every now and then because she doesnt get mtv so last night we were watching FM Nation which is one of mtvs new shows and it was pretty horrible but we stayed glued cuz, well, there aint that much else on tv.

i’d like to hold hands with her but it never feels that comfortable. sometimes she puts her head on my shoulder or on my lap but that doesnt really do it either. sometimes it does but not all the time.

we’ll order chinese or fix something on the george foreman grill or what have you and drink wine and maybe kiss goodnight which is what we did last night and she told me that i could have anything i wanted at any time. i told her she was drunk. she said no. that i was listening to the devil part of my brain too much, the part that i had told her about the part that says youre not good enough, that youre too this or not enough that.

i said i want to have a cheerleader girl who i will feel comfortable holding hands with.

she said no you dont.

i said of course i do, doesnt everyone.

shes got pretty good esp that i can pick up from time to time what have you and she just esped that for some reason i feel good about our relationship and so does whoever makes sure that these things happen. theres a reason for everything and theres a reason that certain things feel right and other things dont.

she said, who do you think of when you write your poems.

i told her i dont write poems any more.

she said, fine, who do you think of when you write on the internet.

i esped you.

she smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

it’s not a game. it’s totally cool. i have a landlady who’s 91 who lives in the upstairs corner apartment and sees all the people who come in and out of my apartment and sometimes she will call me right when my night is done. sometimes she can see me walk someone out and skip back and sometimes she can see me not walk someone out but stand in the doorway. and sometimes she can see me walk someone out and not come back for a little while and then float back.

she’ll say its none of her business but… then she’ll ask me who i like the best. and i tell her i like the ones who treat me the best the best.

she says, you mean the ones who cook for you? i say no. she says, you mean the ones who kiss you, i say no.

91 and you dont know what being treated nicely means?

she says she hadnt been treated very nice for much of her life.

then she says that im the nicest person shes ever met and that makes me feel pretty crappy cuz im not all that nice to her other than taking her calls now and then.

cheerleader girl called me up today at the office. too many people called me here today.

she said i liked your blog today.

i said how come?

she said cuz when i looked at it i could see you. you were out there.

then she said if anyone ever treats you bad, walk away and dont ever let them back and that goes for me too.

and then she said something that made me laugh and then she was gone and i was alone at my desk that wont be mine in a few more days and i thought about what i was going to have for dinner.

So What’cha Want

Just plug me in just like I was eddie harris

You’re eating crazy cheese like you’d think i’m from paris

You know I get fly you know I get high

You know that i’m gone and i’m a tell you all why

So tell me who are you dissing maybe i’m missing

The reason that i’m smiling or wilding so listen

In my head I just want to take ’em down

Imagination set loose and i’m gonna shake ’em down

Let it flow like a mud slide

When I get on I like to ride and glide

I’ve got depth of perception in my text y’all

I get props at my mention ’cause I vex y’all

So what’cha want

You’re so funny with the money that you flaunt

Where’d you get your information from

You think that you can front when revelation comes

You can’t front on that

Well they call me mike d. the ever loving man

I’m like spoonie g., i’m the metropolitician

You scream and you holler about my chevy impala

But the sweat is getting wet around the ring around your collar

But like a dream i’m flowing without no stopping

Sweeter than a cherry pie with ready whip topping

Goin’ from mic to mic kickin’ it wall to wall

I’ll be calling out you people like a casting call

It’s wack when you’re jacked in the back of a ride

With your know with your flow when you’re out getting by

Believe me what you see is what you get

And you see me coming off as you can bet

I think i’m losing my mind this time

This time i’m losing my mind

You can’t front on that

But little do you know about something that I talk about

I’m tired of driving it’s due time that I walk about

But in the meantime, i’m wise to the demise

I’ve got eyes in the back of my head so I realize

Well i’m dr. spock i’m here to rock y’all

I want you off the wall if you’re playing this wall

So what’cha want

Y’all suckers write me checks and then they bounce

So I reach into my pocket for the fresh amount

See i’m the long leaner

Victor the cleaner

I’m the illest motherfucker from here to gardena

I’m as cool as a cucumber in a bowl of green jalapeno hot sauce

You’ve got the rhyme and reason but no cause

So if you’re hot to trot you think you’re slicker than grease

I’ve got news for you crews you’ll be sucking like a leech

You can’t front on that

So what’cha want

meesh is being amazingly sweet to me

i don’t know why. i don’t return her calls. i don’t hang out with her when she goes to catalina or when she gets spanked on the strip. still she’s nice and today on her blog of meeshness she makes a list and wonders what i would like for my birthday. so here’s my list.

1. i want to make out with thirty six girls. why thirty six? because 109 seems unattainable.

2. i want one of the girls to be britney murphy right after she doses my madras.

3. i would like chocolate creme pie.

4. i would like george w. bush to admit that so far he’s fucked up royally.

5. i would like kitty bukakke’s book.

6. i would like all the children of the world to go to bed with food in their bellies.

7. i would like the cubs to offer their available managerial position to either dusty or lou.

8. i would like to kiss a girl with a tongue pierce.

9. i would like to feel a fake boob.

10. the foo fighters are playing at the wiltern. i wouldn’t mind seeing them.

11. i would prefer to see tsar, my favorite band, but i think they’re booked at the .

12. i would like the people who i sent my proposal to to at least tell me that it’s an interesting idea.

13. i would like to get a job where i can blog professionally.

14. i would like everyone who reads my blog on my birthday to either say something nice in a specially designed post, or flow me $2.

15. i would like to teach the world to sing.

16. i would like to eat chicken and ribs with my best friend chris who i adore.

17. i would like to get the next day off of work.

18. i would like to get to see all of my friends who i love very much and get a baseball autographed by them.

19. i would like to see all the prisoners in the california corrections system for non-violent drug related crimes to be set free if they promise not to not hurt anyone ever again.

20. i would like no one to die of AIDS on my birthday.

21. i would like everyone to understand the words that are coming out of my mouth the way that i intend them to be heard.

22. i would like my mom to sing happy birthday on my answering machine like she does every year.

23. i would like britney murphy to sing happy birthday to me as she crawls around my hard wood floors.

24. i would like the entire Internet to link to my page and not for anna but because i rock so damn hard.

25. i would like flagrant to mail me an autographed self portrait suitable for framing.

26. i would like moxie to let me drive her porsche around the block, if you know what i mean.

27. i would like someone to buy me something off my wishlist. why? because if i was a cam girl you would.

28. i would like 36 cam girls to link me on their pages. why 36? because 109 is insane.

29. i would like for bill clinton to shake my hand and call me a stud.

30. i would like for al sharpton to not run for president.

31. i would like to have a fish taco in isla vista… off the flat belly of meesh.

32. i would like to drink so much i puke.

33. i would like to hold britney murphy’s hair as she pukes.

34. i would like for Tsar to come out with a special EP where they cover that Smells Like Teen Spirit / Bootylicious mix of nirvana and destiny’s child and list me as executive producer even though i didn’t do shit.

35. i would like all the fly bitches to know my name.

36. i would like everyone who does not already own it, to order Tsar’s cd on my birthday because they really do kick ass, and that would mean a lot more to me than world peace or 36 hummers or me getting a bamboo rice warmer.

and if i could only get one of these things, i would just like to have you, whoever you are, to just be a loyal reader and satisfied with my nonsensenesses.

i love winona ryder so much

ive loved her since “Beetlejuice.” who doesn’t love the dark sad goth girls who pout and write poetry and wait for death?

i don’t care who she has gone to bed with, i don’t care what rock bands she’s ruined, i don’t care how many yawner films she’s made, i don’t care if she stole the entire saks fifth avenue, but i am a little saddened that she shops there. i always thought she was a bit more hip.

but i do care that she seems to have the worst advisors around her.

first of all, what the fuck is happening that we are still mired in this court case? i have yet to see any film footage of her putting things into a bag and walking off.

but i do see a bag in her hand this morning as she is walking in the courtroom, and i know the jury isn’t there, but if i was her lawyer i would tell winona that i never want to see a bag or purse or anything larger than my phone number in her hand until after the case is over.

are there no brothas on her defense team?

Black people know about going into a store and having all eyes on you as you shop. what you do is you keep your hands where everyone can see them, you carry a basket, you don’t ever reach in your pockets unless you are about to pull out your wallet and you do not go anywhere with a huge bag unless you want people to assume that you’re putting things in it.

ashley has her good and bad points and i love how affectionate she can be but she loves to hug me while we’re grocery shopping and i have to keep reminding her that if i was suspicious of anyone it would be of two people hugging in the cereal aisle. couldn’t be an easier way to slip something down the back of someone’s loose trousers than during a warm embrace.

we all are hoping that winona is innocent. and right now i think most people think she didn’t do it. but there is that shadow of a doubt that is looming right next to her and what she needs to do is lose that huge fucking bag and never be seen with one again until this case is dismissed.

she doesnt need a purse in court. if she wants to carry a little compact, put it in a blazer pocket right next to the lipstick. let the lawyers carry everything else in their briefcase even though they should be the ones accused of theft since they’re obviously keeping this trial going so that they stay in the public eye and keep racking up billable hours.

so since you’re paying them, honey, have them lug your shit around.

thank you very much, that will be twelve thousand dollars.

lenny kravitz has ruined a lot of things in his day.

all the girlies want to be with him. not only is he handsome, but he plays that guitar so well, and he has those big arms, and dresses so great, and talks so cool.

but the one thing that he has brought to us is the afro wig.

so kind of him.

when my fro finally goes, just watch me bust with the kravitz wig and stand back cuz the ladies will bum rush and make a terrible scene.

i sorta wish old lenny was here right now, i would ask him not about fashion or wigs or guitar playing, but women.

i would ask him how could it be that one day you could make sweet love to a girl so intense and spectacular that the neighbors could very easily think that the girl is being murdered, and then the next day she gets on her computer and writes about some other guy, and then the day after that she writes about that other guy again, and not about you.

i would ask him if he thought that it meant what you thought it meant, that she should just spend the next little while with who she is obviously pre-occupied with.

i would ask him if he thought it might just be better if she fucked off.

i wonder how many times lenny could be dissed in such a way until he just stopped returning the girl’s calls, changed the locks, and got on with living the life that he should be pursing: chasing girls who liked him the best.

im sure he would tell me that it doesn’t matter how good you took care of a girl, or what you did to her physically, repeatedly, magically, or what sorts of things you bought her, or made for her, or even the things that you didn’t do so that she would feel better about herself, that some girls are just completely clueless and need a gigantic smack across the face (figuratively, psychos) and maybe a year of complete silence.

or maybe ten years.

i bet lenny would write a bad song about it and sell it to a car company and then go have a drink with slash at the rainbow and play ms. pacman.