something suddenly came up and not only could i not go to the art opening

but i also missed out on the peaches + they will know us by the trail of the deal + queens of the stone age triple bill and i’ll also miss hanging out with meesh and simone at the standard with its upside down sign.

this hardly ever happens to me. especially in the month of libra. the month of love, fairness, and beautiful magic.

speaking of … how about those angels?

welch asked me to do a photo essay about his team and i could and i would use a bunch of lyman bostock and rod carew and bobby grich pictures, not forgetting my man bobby bonds, but the angels dont need it and my carpal is cilling me.

a pretty sexy girl said that if i get the gig that im gonna try to grab next week she’ll find out where i live and do the christina aguilera dance for me.

i told her that i didnt know if i could handle that.

im just a man.

and here i am writing you super deep undercover fighting the good fight thinking about how the rocket fizzled in new york how petitte and now mussina were tamed and how the angels are going to knock out the boys from the bronx in less than twenty four hours.

some people are soulmates. some team own others. the angels own the yankees. i wouldnta believed it till i seen it, but look at them, they couldnt care less about these big name arms, or even jeff weaver or el duque. theyre not intimidated by giambi or jeter. these angels actually seem inspired by the crazy rally monkeys and never say die.

totally inspiring.

made me pick up the phone and propose a good dozen times to my exgirlfriend chris.

“you know we’re meant for each other, baby.”

no, no we’re not.

“just you and me, baby. let me ruin your life till death do we part.”

no thank you. but thank you.

shes got a nasty flu. had to cancel her trip to frisco where she was gonna be in a wedding.

“why dont you call your boyfriend to bring you over some oj and some soup?”



oh him, he’s just a booty call boy. you cant ask your booty call to help you when youre sick. thats what a boyfriend does. she laughed, but it was interrupted by a cough. but she finished it off with a “silly.”

then she explained that booty calls also dont help you move, they dont go to formal events with you, and they also dont stroll the aisles of target along side you.

i really do love that girl.

she asked me if the pitchers ever get “in trouble” with the manager after he takes them out of the game.

i told her that i wanted to get her in trouble.

she denied me for the twentieth time in the phone call and i finally let her go.

no movement in the stakeout target.

it was going to be a long long friday night.

more than just my lawyer,

kim is a great friend.

she knows her rock music so well that before she was my laywer i wanted to kiss her. women should learn that lesson: if you have a record collection that is truly diverse, rocking, punk rock, soulful, and countrified in the right ways, the boys will want you big time.

nothing worse than going to a girls house and seeing three cds on the shelf and a cat. especially when the cds are cat steven’s greatest hits, james taylor’s greatest hits, and aretha franklin’s greatest hits.

kim has tons of great cds and her cat is named after the guitar player in KISS.

you’d wanna kiss her too.

cute as a button and sex-say with that lil southern drawl that slides out when you least expect it, kim met up with the kids while they were in prauge. i think thats how the story goes. kim went out there with ken b. who shes been romantically associated with since the dodgers left brooklyn.

it was ken’s birthday last week when i was on vacation and im sorry that i wasnt able to slobber all over him, so lets make it up with more love for kim, shall we?


she has a kickass grownup hollywood hills mansion that she lets us all party in. it has a hot tub and plate glass and grey walls and a dynomite kitchen. proof that when looking for a new pad, try to find one that was recently owned by two arty gay guys. always up for a good movie, fine with wine, and blessed with a sense of fashion and a true love of college hoops, kim didnt go to ucsb, but she fits into our small group of friends like shes known us all forever.

what sorta law does she practice? entertainment law?

what firm does she work for?

she left the big firm a few years ago to start her own with just one partner and they’re kicking ass. seriously.

i never had a better lawyer in my life and thats no lie.

tomorrow this southern belle turns 24 and i really hope we all get together and raise a glass to our sweetheart from carolina who has only gotten finer.

happy birthday!

all of my friends are beautiful and talented, artistical and magicful.

paolo is a king among kings who only dates the hottest women.

permasmile, a huge dog, and the love of the lakers and skateboarding, our pal paolo also worked at the ucsb daily nexus with matt, and amy, and tsar, and tsar’s brother, and stacy teas (who i owe an email to) and hell, half of the cool kids in los feliz and the tri counties.

paolos art is larger than life and rich and colorful and dreamy and massively underrated.

if youre in LA and not accompanying meesh to the queens of the stoneage gig at the palladium, perhaps you might want to jump on the subway and head downtown to check out what i promise you will be an entertaining evening of great art and fine music.

and if you miss out on rick royale who will be playing, you’ve truly missed out. so dont coulter.

yours truly might even be there unless meesh convinces me otherwise.

“Daily newspapers are struggling,

et these are fertile times for some journalists. Blogs�stands for “Web logs”�are flourishing; they are Web sites with short hit-and-run commentary and abundant links to other blogs, articles, and sites.

Blogs are a pure expression of the Internet: unmediated opinion and information passing from hand to hand. Blogs promise a reckless, independent use of the First Amendment, journalism without fact checking, editors, advertisers�nothing but writers and readers communicating directly. In theory they offer across-the-spectrum opinion, electronic libertarianism.”

– RJ Smith, Los Angeles Magazine, October 2002

dear rj smith, alex beam, and whoever that chick was who wrote about blogs in the la times last month,

please stop trying to write about blogs.

you look ridiculous.

you look older than you probably are.

you make it easy for us to pick on you, especially when you’re critical.

because there are no editors doesnt make it reckless. dewey defeats truman?

please get over the fact that there are no editors.

i would love a fucking editor for my blog, but guess what, they’d probably edit out all the fucking.

when i read you and you make little snide snipes at blogging i wonder if you dont do it to get attention from the entire blogging community. more people on the web know alex beam than any other boston columnist. in a twisted way he became very popular. unfortunately he is as well-known now as anthrax. not the sort of infamy one would like, i would imagine.

because we type stuff into software and it turns up on your computer screen doesnt mean that it’s journalism. and it also doesn’t mean it hasn’t been fact checked. infact who was it who said, “this is 2001, we can fact check your ass.” mighta been welch. [ Ed. it was layne]

and just because it’s free doesnt make it libertarian. very few people use that word politely, rj smith, and im not so sure that you did just then, so fuck you for your general high and mighty oh-arent-they-cute attitude regarding the next big thing. how many hits would you get on your own?

which brings us to welch and layne.

just because you got paid doesnt make you a pro, RJ, you name check the LA Examiner, you call my boys college “dropouts” like thats a bad thing (never mentioning Bill Gates, Peter Jennings, William Faulkner, Steve Jobs, Ted Turner, Tom Hanks, Bill Murray, Larry Ellison, F. Scott Fitsgerald, Michael Dell, Wayne Huizenga, Woody Allen, Dan Aykroyd, David Geffen, Warren Beatty, James Dean, Brad Pitt, and scores of even more interesting and succesful people who also chose a different path other than a college degree), but you dont ever ask Riordan why he’s been playing footsies with ken and matt but continue to leave em hanging. or is it the sheepskin?

instead you surmise that the former mayor is savoring the attention. the attention of guys like you, RJ and your 150,000 readers.

so what do you do with the attention he’s paying you, RJ? didnt Dick say in the spring that he’d have this thing by the end of summer, and here you are writing this thing in the fall and still there isnt dick out there. what’s his answer?

bro’s 72 years old. tick tock old man, what are you waiting for, christmas?

that’s a question that a real reporter and a real editor ask and put in the article of a real magazine.

call us reckless all you want, junior, but at least we’re readable.

hi giselle

hi tony, are you causing trouble again?

me? never.

you’re treading on thin ice when you piss off your readers.

they’ll get over it.

especially the ones who give you money.

the instant i think twice about writing something because i might not get money in the future from someone is the moment that i should just click the big Delete button in the options menu and go back to writing poems for chapbooks.

isnt there a happy medium?

all or nothing, hottie. else you lose your edge.

why do people hate it so much when you talk about politics?

they would love it if i wrote about politics if i agreed with them. i’d be the next sean hannity.


they just don’t like it when i expose their party for being what it is right now: completely impotent.

you’ve lost me, tony.

name one thing the GOP has done right in the last ten years.

they beat Clinton.

they lost to Clinton, they beat Gore and they had to cheat at that.

i’m trying, tony, but it’s difficult, im just a gorgeous model who can keep it together when her shoe falls off.

i know. thats why they like this site. they just want me to put pretty pictures of happy faces up here, have fake interviews with celebs, talk about who i’m banging, and totally lay off the fact that the leader of My country cheated to sit at the table with the grown ups, and once he got there fucked the economy, fucked national security, made the military look like a bunch of dip shits who cant find the wascally wabbit hiding in a hole…

you’re funny. kiss me.

and even though they all knew, they put Condesellout Rice on the podium and had her say that they had no clue that people would slam planes up against buildings.

are you saying Black people can’t work for white Presidents?

im saying if you do it know youre going to be called a sellout, and when you do it don’t lie to the american people at a time when they are as fragile as can be.

so what should they have said, tony, “america, good evening, we fucked up”?

for eight years the republicans tried to get clinton on lying about whitewater, and on getting a blowjob. they knew they couldnt kick him out but they wanted to publically embarrass him by abusing the impeachment card and silence the democratic party in the process. their whole stance was that the president lied. they sicked ken starr on him and never let up. and you cant tell me that lying about head is the same as lying about “not knowing” about bin laden.

he let up eventually

giselle, don’t you remember when Starr tried to disbar Clinton so that he would be fucked even after his presidential term was over?

i thought they did disbar him.

that was just from arguing cases in the Supreme Court.

he was disbarred from practicing law in arkansas, wasnt he?

yeah for five years, but who the hell cares about practicing law in arkansas?

i miss Clinton.

me too, giselle.

he was a real president.

he’s no dummy.

so do you know politics or don’t you?

i was born in washington dc. i grew up in chicago. ive worked for two of the largest billion dollar companies in the world. i worked for a dot com during the gold rush and now i work in hollywood for a big time tv network. i know tons about politics. i also know that even though the airwaves and the web is full of conservative voices they Cannot Stand it when people point out how entirely ineffective their boys have been. they will say i dont know shit, they will say i shouldnt write about it. but all theyre trying to do is silence me. i dont blame em. nobody writes angrier shit than me.

silencing you? sorta unamerican. wouldnt you say?

sorta bullshit, i’d say. read that last post. change the picture to bill and hillary, change the 9/11 stuff to lewinsky and Rush Limbaugh would drive me a million hits. it’s not the writing they dont like, it’s the content.

god, i hate politics.

me too, baby.

wanna do some happy hour drinks with me after workie?

yes, please.

you knew about 9/11?

they tell me lots of stuff.

but you knew about 9/11 before it happened?

sure, i just didn’t think…

exactly my point, you didnt think.

please. let me just be. i cant know everything.

yes, but you can know when something that big is going to happen!

i want a waffle.

i want a man!

i want strawberries on it.

you disgust me.

and whipped cream.

your father was a loser, you’re a loser, even your brother is a loser.

im ignoring you.

i feel dirty even being near you.

some people put chopped walnuts on their waffles. i dont like that.

youre a disgusting human being.

a cherry on top would be nice, though.

your daughters are drunken whores…

and some chocolate milk, mmmmmmm.

everyone in your family are dirty theives, only concerned with money and power.

why did you marry me, then?

you Used to be fun.

im still fun.

you cant even spell fun.


im going to jump off a bridge.

but, wait, i spelled it right.

wheres your cyanide pill?