did someone say they wanted a birthday lapdance?

oh hi christina agueilera.

tony pierce, what do i have to do to get you to spell my name right?

dont be offended, i dont spell anything right. i grammar bad too.

oh im not offended. i want to burn it into your little head.

you could get me a tshirt that says aguilera on it.

here im trying to be sexy and youre making me laugh.

my bad.

let me turn on some music.

the music is the only thing thats not turned on.

“Ooh, I’m overdue / Give me some room / I’m comin’ through / Paid my dues / I’m in the mood “

like it?

i love your new song christina.

like the lyrics?

what lyrics?

“DJ’s spinnin’ (show your hands) / Let’s get dirrty (that’s my chant) / I need that (uh) to get me off / Sweat until my clothes come off”

oh, those lyrics. yes i like them.

is this okay that im this close?

mmm hmmm.

want me to get closer?

technically i dont think you could.

this is closer.


wanna see if i can get closer still?

get any closer and you’ll be inside me– HELLO.

not that kinky?

“Temperature’s up (can you feel it) / ‘Bout to erupt “

thats kinky?

thats the first page of the unabridged volume called kinky part one

oh, christina aguelira

i knew i could get you to spell my name right

“It’s about time that I came to start the party / Sweat drippin’ over my body / Dance and gettin’ just a little naughty”

so what do you want for your birthday, tony pierce?

swirled peas.


more cookware

you so crazy.

i like it when you talk Black, christina.

im glad.

actually, i like everything that you do.

so why didnt you say hi to me that time at the viper room?

i was blown away at the time.

by me? oh youre sweet.

okay, i dont think thats a lapdance any more


oh, look at that, it is.

mmmm hmmmm.

“Ahh, heat is up / So ladies, fellas, drop your cups.”

what do you want for my birthday christina?

i want to let this little ho out.

it’s not out?

oh, it’s trying to, but theres a real little one that wants to get out, she cant find the way.

that must suck for her.

yes. but i think you might know the route.

the route?

yes, the path. do you know how to help the dirrty girl get out of me, tony?

i think she’s gonna have to leapfrog over the tramp, the slut, and the closet stripper who are already out. but i’ll try.

and here i thought you liked me.

like? i love you. wait, are those knee pads?


marry me.

“Tight hip huggers (low fo’ sho’) / Shake a little somethin’ (on the floor)”

so can you help me get that little dirrty girl out?

thats the beauty of science, christina.

whats that baby?

one can pose theories, but only through repetitive experimentation can one safely surmise a valid conclusion.

lets experiment then, mr. busblog.

but you gotta be this high to ride this ride.

maybe you can help me up.

Dear Tony,

(shy) Beth from D.C. wishing you a Happy Birthday.

per your request, I have sent on a fan sign.

I didn’t have a digital camera at work, so I repurposed a pic my former coworker sent me – taken just outside of Georgetown University on my last day of work in August.

He originally entitled it “the_real_reason_shes_leavin.jpg” which is totally false!

I left to slave away for my favorite lobbyist. Talk about selling out.

Anyway Tony, as we are all dodging bullets here in the district, I wanted to thank you again for a lovely blog, which has been, at times, the only thing that gets me through the day.

You’re making people happy, more than you even know.

I hope your birthday is a fantastic one.



Dear Beth,

Since i was born in dc many centuries ago, it is my pleasure to post your fan sign.

People need not call me, as the telephone wont be of much use, but i do like your sign a LOT, however if folks want to email me, tony@fuckhotmail.com seems to be working well. im feeling very good today despite the Rally Monkey trying to mix things up.

Keep fighting the good fight in my birthplace,


hi rally monkey

hi tony pierce, just wanted to jump on the birthday bandwagon and give you some crazy love.

wow, thats great, rally monkey, youre too kind.

well i was looking at your amazon wish list and i saw that you only got one other gift other than the Quick Chop and i figured now would be a good time for me to come out and drum up a little more support for you before this little game is over.

aw, thats sweet, pal, but i dont think im going to be begging for free stuff any more off this blog. the kids just dont seem to like it much.

yeah, but you have a good point. i see the wish lists of the cam girls and cam women, and those babes get so much free junk from their readers, and for why? because they show their bellies? or give the fellas a glimmer of hope that they’ll eventually get some play? puh-lease. you provide real entertainment here tony, if you want $6.66 or the new Cobain book, you should get it.

again, thats real nice, rally monkey, but it’s cool. my cup overfloweths in other ways.

like what, like the ladies? dont lie, you dont get that much love.

quality, not quantity, my fine furry friend.

dont matter. these girls should be going apeshit over you and you should have more gifts than you could ever ask for. where the hell has layne and welch been these last weeks? monkeying around. meanwhile you’ve done more than take up the slack.

those guys are doing top secret behind the scenes double dealings. the fruits of their labors will be sweet in the upcoming months and years. watch your mouth.

i spit on their double dealings. except welch. he’s the only true angels fan on the web.

dont spit on layne, he’s being romantical right now. and i think he’s writing a new novel for our asses.

whatever, tony. i’m here. that means good things will start happening for you right now.

btw, rally monkey, wKen flowed $6.66 which will definately go to tonights lapdance fund. so major props to my bro up north.

see? i got you some crazy magic already. arent you glad i came?

yes. and thank you to whoever got me the pancake thing off my wishlist. made me laugh laugh laugh here in my cubicle.

ok, gotta jet off to frisco. big game tonight.

yes, i’ll be watching it from jumbo’s tonight.

they got a tv in there?

they got tvs, bi’s, les’s you name it.

stick to the crimefighting, tp.

go angels!

update: the Rally Monkey is telling me from his limo to LAX that someone has scored me the coveted Bamboo Place Mats off the wishlist. Gracias!!!!!

well, im having a pretty nice birthday.

besides all the totally wonderful kickass rocknroll sweet lovable people who have either wished me a happy birthday in my comments or on their page, my boss is gonna let me go home early as soon as i finish this project.

but im such a procrastinator, that might not be till tomorrow.

in the mail i got a really cool card from meesh that includes several photographs, some even suitable for framing. thanks meesh.

i got two cards from my mom, one that had a $50 check in it and one that had a $50 gift card for best buy. (i have the best mom in the world.) this morning she woke me up by singing happy birthday in my answering machine. i coulda picked up but its nice to have that on your machine for a few days. sniff. sniff.

i got a card from my sister which had another $50 best buy gift card.

ashley called last night right before midnight. turns out the movie i thought i was gonna go see with her shes gonna take someone else, so i might just head down to the local strip bar after workie poo and see if i can milk any lap dances off the ladies on account of this being the day of my birth and all. gotta be careful in hollywood cuz that might mean they all bring you in the back and practice unsafe sex on you. but at least the music will be good.

chris called last night right after midnight all sleepy and cute. shes the best. totally filled out this outfit at nicolette’s dinner the other night and i thought, “i used to get that on the regular? damn!”

i got quoted on Instapundit yesterday. im not much of an approval suck but it sunk in yesterday that of all the people chiming in about Little Green Footballs, the professor chose my words to put on his site. hmmm. pretty awesome, even for a jaded fuck like me.

i guess im really not lame.

simone's birthday is also todayand even though it’s not a scientific study, i got about twice as many hits from LGF, which might have been due to the fact that everyone was pointing to charles yesterday and then he pointed to me. sorta wish i had something good up there for the kids, but whatev. theyre used to mediocraty from the web.

before i forget lets also acknowledge Simone (the blonde in the picture above) who turns 97 today, and will be eating thai tonight in hollywood. mmmmm tempting.

tonight after the movie ashley will molest me. that’ll be nice. i sorta want to do something special, but i cant think of anything special. like should we go do it in the woods? or on the 50 yard like of the LA Collesium? strangest thing about being with a girl who’ll do anything you want is that most of the times all you want to do is hold her hand and have her rest her head on your shoulder.

so fifty yard line it is.

maybe the thirty six yard line, cuz thats how many lap dances i would like tonight.

had a nice instant message chat with fat sarah last night. very cool girl. she said that when i get home there will be a fan sign waiting for me. you know what those are? its when the ladies take a digital cam pic of themselves holding up a sign that says something like i heart tony.

ladies, feel free to email me your fan signs tony@fuckhotmail.com