congratulations, dusty

if theres one person who deserves the most valuable player award this year it’s not barry bonds who hit .370, smacked 46 home runs, got on base 58% of the time, drove in over 100 rbis, walked nearly 200 times, and only struck out 47 times.

no, the mvp for the national league was the coach dusty baker, for having to put up with barry bonds, and for making it to the world series despite a remarkably underwhelming pitching staff, very little bench depth, and his best player getting walked half the time he stepped up to the plate.

dusty is a class act who should have been tommy lasorda’s heir to the dodgers, but life isnt always fair and how are you going to fire tommy lasorda? fucker bleeds blue.

i say he’s a magician. who’s on this team other than bonds and kent? rich aurillia. but thats it. ortiz is good, but not that great. nen is a good closer, but how are you going to get a lead when bonds is getting walked? benito santiago? no, it’s dusty.

only twice in the last ten years have the giants failed to place first or second. say what you want, it’s not cause of barry bonds. it’s cause dusty is a genius.

cuban fat man livan hernandez lost 16 games. he also threw three shutouts. how are you supposed to manage when you don’t know which pitcher is going to show up?

dusty still hasn’t figured out how to lower the cost of living in frisco, but he’s doing pretty well with the baseball team.

too bad he’s got to take his rickety little dream machine into the buzzsaw of goofy magic called the anaheim angels, who very well may sweep the giants if they don’t watch it.

i guess i shouldnt joke about the east coast sniper

but thats what i do when im nervous, or happy, or i dont know what else to do: i joke.

and i understand that people are a little on edge out there by dc, where i was born, where i had some good times as a little kid, and ive seen people crouched over trying not to get sniped while pumping their gas or watering their lawns, or by just going on with their lives.

but to blame entertainment, or the media, or tv or the movies is really crazy. cain slew able. how many tvs did they have at adam and eve’s house? i dont even think they had cable and cain murdered his brother in cold blood.

doesnt anyone read the Good Book any more?

one of the purposes of that story is to teach us that humans have had evil and murderous tendencies long before “The Sopranos” got on HBO or N.W.A busted with “Straight Outta Compton.” if anything, that story teaches us that we dont even need one ounce of outside stimuli. all we need to be is alive.

i seriously doubt that the dc sniper has a den full of Jon Claude Van Damme movies, or is a huge fan of Peckinpah, or can’t wait for the next John Woo film. i bet he’s just an asshole with a rifle.

those are the worst kinds, of course, but they’re out there, and sometimes they cross that line and cause a little mahem.

i understand where the person who put that sign next to those flowers is coming from, but it’s not the answer.

i love Reservoir Dogs so much and if Quentin ever came to me and asked me to help him make his next movies more violent and funny and sordid and dark, i would drop everything and help because there are so few Good movies like Quentin’s first three (i count True Romance even if he doesnt.) but that doesnt mean that you’ll ever see me with a gun. not even as a joke.

the answer for preventing the snipers of the world is communication.

i think it was schleshinger who said that new york was the lonliest place in the world because of all the people.

maybe it wasnt, but it’s so true. the smaller the town, the more people know each other. the bigger, the easier it is to just ignore people.

im not saying a hug would stop people from shooting each other, but a hug and someone to hang out with probably would.

maybe the government should couple up everyone with a BuddyBuddy.

if you get pulled over, the cop asks you, “where’s your buddy?” and the cop calls him up and tells him that he’s got a speeding ticket too.

ive got a great friend who used to joke about killing herself and i said, if you do, then i have to kill myself too. and it stopped her from being able to use that as an excuse.

of course it only works if you have a buddy who you like.

ive gotta catch a bus now. i’ll fix the rest of the world after dinner.

people write me the best emails.

at first i would be upset whenever the comments were down, because it’s nice to get feedback from the people you’re writing to, especially if it’s positive.

this one girl wrote and said she loved my blog and misses my web site and i told her that once the carpal chills i can get back to the site. and she asked if i would like to come to her house one day, she says she has this really soft white furry rug and we can get high and lay on it and listen to old school madonna and led zep and i said just lay there and she wrote back and said we don’t have to just lay there. i told her that sometimes it’s nice just to lay there.

she said we can just lay there.

then she didn’t write until just now and she said that when she was in high school she and her friends would ditch sometimes and take off their shoes and walk around the city of angels barefooted which is safer than you’d think since no one really walks in la and i wrote back and i said i walk in la and she wrote back and said she knew and that’s why she was writing because she would want to walk with me on the streets of la and find water fountains and stick her little toes in there and i said my feet are quite sensitive but it all sounds very nice.

then this dude wrote me and said he had a very nice apartment with a big overstuffed chair and would i like to have some beers and listen to danzig with him and i said i would like to have beers i would like to hear danzig, but i think i would rather do that with the barefooted girl who just wrote me. he told me he wasn’t gay. i said it has nothing to do with that. he said sure it does. then he stopped writing,

then this other girl wrote me and said that she doesn’t have any money to give me a birthday present from my wishlist and she doesn’t have any money to pay pal my ass and she doesn’t have a digital camera or she’d send me a topless picture of herself so all she can send me is an ecard and i wrote her back saying that that is perfect. i said i don’t want any nudie digital pictures of anyone. but i told her to get back on the streets and get me my money! then she stopped writing abruptly and i didn’t get an ecard yet from her, but it’s early.

when i got back from the supply room there was another email from another reader of the busblog and she wanted to know if i had a girlfriend. i said no. she asked if i wanted a girlfriend. i said yes, please. she said, what’s up with ashley? i said shes still a lot younger than me and she still hasn’t dated any guys her age. she then said maybe you two are meant for each other. i said, no i don’t think we’re meant for each other. i said i cant imagine a vegetarian wanting eggs and bacon for breakfast and i love making breakfast on a nice sunday morning in my sombrero and kimono with a screwdriver waiting for me on the counter, and ashley isn’t really that type of girl. and im so not the right guy for her. its almost a little bit sad.

she then called me a womanizer and i wrote back and said that if i was a womanizer i would have a lot more stories to tell all of you. but right away the email bounced back and it made me wonder how she could cancel her email account that quickly.

but i guess anythings possible these days.

who knew madonna would end up such a terrific and responsible English mum?

hi, mr. spork man

good afternoon, tony balogna.

where are you going all dressed up like that, sharped dressed man?

oh, well, i just read sk smith’s live journal and any gal who has not one but two sporks is definitely my kinda woman.

whoa, pallie, hold your horses. shes got a man.

what’s her man gotta do with me?

come on, spork man, sara and dan have been sweet on each other since last century, bro.

then why is she putting out personal ads saying that she likes doing light housekeeping?

dude, i don’t know either. i think it’s fiction.

is that what dan was trying to say in that comment?

not sure, partner. i sorta got lost in those big words he throws around, but i think if it were over between those two she woulda gone through that bucket of chum in a heartbeat.

but im all dressed up!

and looking sharp too. but don’t get bummed out. theres lots of women out there who are dying to get a knock at the door from a man in a top hat carrying a six foot spork.

think so?

normally i would say that you look ridiculous, but for some reason this look works for you.

gee, thanks, tony.

let me send you over to moxie’s pad. now theres a girl who could use a little sporking.

what are you trying to say?

i’m saying she likes em well-dressed and rich, and just say that you’re jewish and you’ll be halfway home.

jewish? you cant spell spork without pork.

don’t spell it, then.

hmmm, im not so sure about this.

whattya got to lose?

my dignity.

hang on to your dignity then, tuxedo man with huge plastic utensil.

shut up

nice monocle too.

came with the hat. nice movie review.

you’re too kind.

seriously, no one writes movie reviews like you.

i know, they get caught up talking about the movie. who wants that?

not me, thats for sure.

people are telling me the beck record is good.

those people are crazy.

meesh liked “the secretary.”

does the suprise you?

i want to finish my book tonight.

how much of it do you have to go?

a lot.

that sucks.


how long are we gonna talk to each other like this?

till you tell me where you got your huge ass spork.

that’s easy, from ebay. they have the little ones right now, but you can find big ones there too.

k thanks!


those two girls called me up on sunday afternoon

danielle to see if i had something to do and of course i had something to do. i had to draft a fantasy nba basketball team, i had to watch football, and i had to try to finish reading my book. as if.

sara, who i love, has the best singles ad on her diaryland thing today. it confuses me though, because i thought she wasnt single. is there news i havent heard? does she have an arrangement with her hunky beau? is this just a “found” ad? how could it be? it’s funny.

and wtf is up with her listening to the beatles? its like two thousand and three almost. can we get over the beatles already? i thought she was smart. last time i was over and she and dans pad in frisco they had the best cd collection. dan even bought this super rare teenage fanclub import cd that cost a ton. revolver shes listening to? put back on those whale sounds cd, woman and get back to the light housework.

i am glad she liked mr. deeds though. that movie rules.

angels are in the world series. so where the fuck is welch?

i hear layne is in dc trying to find that sniper. i got a letter for him that was sent via “air mail” from australia., i wen to his crib and knocked on the door and all i heard were two pitbulls scratching at the screen door. will someone tell him that i have a letter for him? whens his birthday anyhow? i think its right about now.

clifton gray is the mysterious amazon wishlist purchaser of the fabulous Quick Chop. feel free to join him in showering me with gifts, friends. tis the season.

kitty b.has a new button. why does that sound like it would make junior highschoolers giggle?

a. beam graced us with several sentences this weekend. lazy ass. i would accuse him of being the dc sniper, but that guy has moved his finger way more over the last week than a. beam has.

i want to see if kate sullivan can write every day. i know she can. i just want to see her do it. f the la weekley for taking your job away. i listened to alternative music yesterday and thought of her.

and finally, thanks to bro who flowed me the $6.66 via PayPal. maybe that number scared the angelic souls who peruse these pixels. if thats the case, heres a link where you can put in your own flowage. p.s. i think the single largest donation ive ever is $50. do i hear $51?

this is my last week at this routine

everythings gonna be different next monday. my life is gonna be upside down. everything changes.

the guys upstairs have decided to give me one of the hardest jobs in the agency.

i wont have a television at my desk. i wont have two fifteen minute breaks to write to you.

we’ll be through the looking glass, people.

true will be false, false will be true.

i had a spectacular weekend this weekend. i dont even know where to start. and still, somehow i want to change all of that too. anything like that ever happen to you?

then last night one of my friends called me and told me that he has an extra ticket to see bob dylan on wednesday at the wiltern, but thats my xbi softball night. decisions decisions. floor seats.

what do you do when your dreams come true?

resist them moans the wind.

give in tocks the clocks.

this week im thinking about not doing the easy stuff like sports and politics and current events but just do entertainment.

but i do want to write about the angels getting into the world series, so i might have to have an exception, especially if the giants win today.

f the giants.

had a hard time getting out of the house this morning. not because it’s foggy and gray and sorta cold. but because i couldnt find my wallet. i can never find my wallet.

if someone wants to give me something cool for my birthday, find me a way that i can sos my wallet and keys so that they’ll always find me.

it was in my robe.

cuz i bought pizza last night in honor of columbus day.

i have no focus today.

i dont even know what to say.

i hope everything goes your way.