“never been kissed” is on the plasma tv here at meesh’s suite at the mondrian

t’s one of my favorite movies, but shhhh, dont tell anyone.

i love drew, i love that “dark angel” chick who’s in it, but theres this scene where david arquette is asked by his teen girlfriend “what do you want to be when you grow up?” david is secretly undercover at this highschool and has really already grown up, but he answers her perfectly.

“a ballplayer.” he replies with a cowboy hat on, nodding his head to the dumb pop music playing in the background.

she says, “no, but what happens if you dont get it?”

i want to be a blogger when i grow up.

i want to be as in touch as the instapundit, and as good of a writer as ken and matt, i want to be as outrageous as kitty and dawn and reverse cowgirl, i want to be as sexy as nerve, but i want to be able to be read in a totally pg-13 locale.

i want everything.

anyone who read the “funniest joke of all time,” last week now knows that if you try to be all things to all people youre just going to be mediocre to all people. that wasnt the funniest joke of all time, it just was slightly amusing to tons of people.

kind of like marmaduke.

marmaduke is one of my heroes because whoever made that strip learned how to fill a niche and stay way below the radar.

karisa is my friend because she doesnt let me stay below the radar. she says i should be kicking major butt like all the time. she would be very disappointed if i made a marmaduke, she would want a blooms county, a calvin and hobbs, a far side.

i would be happy just to be out there.

or here.

i get disappointed in so called journalists who write about blogging and blogs and continue to miss the most obvious point of them all. blogging has allowed writers, real writers, and real artists, and real photographers, and real musicians the opportunity to create whatever it is that they want and give it to their audience immediately.

when weezer had new tunes they released them on their web site months before they would ever appear on their new record.

nothing is stopping writers and photographers and artists from doing that.

all blogging is is the technology that allows ideas to be published on the web.

simple as that might be, i want to be blogging forever.

and to get paid for it?

why shouldnt that be someone’s goal?

keith gets to play guitar every night and look like a muppet.

okay theres a knock at the door. hopefully its the houseboy with more mint leaves for the mohicas.

meesh called me from the standard in the first inning.

we talked for a few minutes and then the cell phone reception gave out.

she was poolside.

i know because she called me back a minute later. we barely got to say hi and happy birthday and the connection dropped again.

i tried to call her back. hi.

then dead.

an hour later she called back. she had changed hotels.

she was at the mondrian now.

im looking at a beautiful view, tony.

you must come over.

i asked why did you leave the standard.

she said, that place is a dump.

hmmm. it was the fourth inning now. the game was tied.

i told her i might consider coming over. she said we have pretty girls here. i said, do you have a tv? she said its a suite, of course we do.

i said is the angel game on?

she laughed and handed the phone over to the glamorous simone. jewlery designer to the stars.

why are you ignoring my phone calls sweetie?

i said, i was on vacation.

come over here and i’ll make some mohitas.

i did have rum. all i would need is some sugar and mint leaves. two limes maybe. i always liked the mondrian. skybar. that pool. but what do you wear?

simone asked if she could pick me up in her convertible. i told her that it wasnt necessary. that i lived right next to sunset. quick subway ride to highland, walk to sunset, pick up the bus. twenty minutes, tops.

she said, youre coming?

i said, maybe. sounds great.

then the angels started errupting. then it was 5-2 angels. then it was 6-2 angels.

what would i wear?

please hold for the president

before the academy awardstony pierce?


tony, how are you, i dont think ive spoken with you for a while?

i’m doing pretty good, sir, i just got back from aruba.

aruba? where’s that, in the tropics?


sounds expensive.

it is. but the readers to my site all chipped in and got me out there.


yeah, then my brother in law flowed me with first class upgrades.

aruba. do they still have those little grass umbrella huts inches from the water, where theres enough room for two young lovers, one who looks hauntingly similar to anna kournikova, the other who looks remarkably unworthy. where the waiter asks you if you’d like anything to drink and you say yes a mai tai for the lady and liter of coke and a bottle of rum for me. and the sandpipers peck at a coconut tree, and theres music coming from the resort and you wonder, how on earth do i deserve this?

yes, they still have those huts.

because that’s funny because someone told me that you were saying bad things about me, and i said, i thought pierce just got back from “aruba”. i wouldnt think a guy who just got back from there would be running his mouth so soon after being treated to such luxury.

sir, nothing in here is true.

you didnt just call me a liar yesterday?

calling the president a liar goes all the way back to calling the king a liar. and no offense, but picking on you, mr. bush, is like throwing water balloons at the traffic, punching a woman, robbing a grave. it’s too easy, and completely unrewarding. why would any one want to do it?

because i’m not a liar.

come on, everybody lies. especially people who have to be in front of cameras and reporters all the time. it becomes flourishes in a new language. it’s accepted. it’s okay.

seriously, ask me anything.

have you ever seen an adult movie?

of course.

can you name a porn star?


name one.

kelly o’dell.

is that really one?


did you know about 9/11?


do you know about 9/11 now?


that’s funny.

we’re a great team, tony. but you have to be nice for it to work.


nixon and sammy davis did a lot for each other. sammy told nixon to sign the farm bill.

food stamps? really?

of course. not everyone is as bad as they appear. and some arent as good. do you lie, tony?



no, always telling the truth has its disadvantages. girls cry. feelings can be hurt. things are much more complicated. but im too lazy to lie. i barely remember the truth.

only reason i’d even make something up would be to make a cute girl in the corner smile when im trying to ask her to the fair.

at the oscarsi love fairs.

im sorry for the things i said, george bush.

do you have any idea how hard of a job i have?

you have all these smart people around you, though.

still, it’s like, hard.

hard? just say, pull me up the live feed of the spy satelitte north north west of kabul. and one in pakistan somewhere.

okay, first, youre talking out of your ass. second, dont you think channel k isnt on every monitor in the building. fuckers hiding. uv cameras, heat sensitive cams, one purple spot in a cave looks just like another. we might have blown him up on the first night of bombings and they took away his body. he could be anywhere. you dont think that frustrates me. dont you think i see the irony of once owning the texas rangers, who are also big time losers despite having money, a new stadium, the best catcher and the mvp in the league and still finishing last place. dont you think i know that im the sherrif in town and i have a wanted man who i cant find?

once again, im sorry sir.

dont you think when i look at the new york skyline, i dont feel completely responsible?

well, you shouldnt. dont be so hard on yourself.

please just leave alone on this. i’ll give you money.

i cant take your money.

i’ll get you a pretty girlfriend.

im surrounded by pretty girls.

yeah, where do you think they came from?


ehnnn, guess again.

i dont want any of those ill gotten girls. im getting old. i think im ready for true love now, please.

well i cant help you there.

ok, help get tsar to play for my birthday then.

only if you promise not to start selling the “bush knew” tshirts.

thats so funny you say that because i was thinking about selling tshirts. simple white ones that said “busblog”.

thats a great idea, i’d buy one.

i’d like to sell 100,000 of them.

thats why i like you, tony. you’re not afraid to dream big.

i dont think conservatives would buy one though.

sure we would. it would be a symbol of this truce we’re making today. like the rainbow that symbolized the new covenant struck between the lord and mankind after the flood.

twenty bucks. free shipping. made by pink cookies dot com. payments by paypal.

thing is, tony, i dont think liberals would buy one. they would be upset that youre easy on me.

all liberals are easy on you. we have absolutely no expectations from you. how could you disappoint us?

the libertarians would buy one.

ive never met more libertarians in my life than before blogging.

fine, two large ones then, and mark down that two were bought by a republican. that way we can keep track of who’s more generous to the plight of a young black american independent writer, conservatives or liberals.

ok, thats dumb.

who cares? i think it would be fun. and i think people would have fun with it.

okay whatever.

thanks. have a good weekend, tony.

aloha, mr. president.