us for what we are: former government agents and marines who have turned into vigilante undercover superheroes who steal from theives and sometimes give to the poor while fighting crime and keeping the city of angels safer than youve ever known, they think someone internally is helping them.

so today they “interviewed” all of us.

it goes like this. dark room, youre blindfolded, theyre behind one way glass.

pink floyd is playing.

they dont yell at you, they esp you, and youre hooked up to an ekg, etc.

they have actors esp the questions so you dont know who is asking.

why are you in the xbi?

the chicks.

sometimes the questions come fast sometimes very slowly.

i liked them better fast.

how old are you?

109.

do you think this is a joke?

of course not.

then why arent you answering honestly?

i want your machine to know when im lying.

whats your job title here

senior operator, chopper one

whats your dream job?

traveling around the country finding fast food restaurants and swanky hotels that have wireless internet connections so that i could blog from there and say nice things to all the good people of the world while spreading good will.

do you know where the missing agent is?

no.

why is it important for us to find him.

because we have a good thing going on here.

how committed are you to helping us find him?

i’ll work 24/6 for you.

you may leave, agent.

then one of them said,

dont put this on your website.

but im pretty sure he was kidding.

that not so fresh feeling + gnome girl + dougie gyro

why dont you say a few words about her.

last night i wanted to write but i couldnt. i got home so late. i got on the phone. i couldnt get off the phone. i loved who i was on the phone with but i wanted to get off of it.

i wanted to just write, which is a joke. the only time i can write is in the early morning. before even the sun comes up. before even the bow breaks. before the devil gets his way with me.

it was nice listening to the new tsar song and it was nice asking whalen if i got certain lines right and it was nice of him telling me that i was wrong in certain places but keep it in cuz it was funnier. i want those guys to take over the world. i want the best for everyone. but i so dont want to be here.

its grey in la today and the tv isnt working in chopper one. some mornings i just sit here in the hangar and watch regis and just wish that i drank coffee cuz i would sip it and let it slide over my lips and across my tounge that hasnt kissed anyone in so long and down my throat and into my gut and through my blood and poison my heart and slide out my ass.

good morning heartache why you wanna give me the morning paper when its the times. time says stand up. time says get dressed time says get on the crowded bus. time says man stand so close to me when no one else is standing on the bus that his pinkie finger touches my thumb. time says its time for me to move to the opposite end of the bus because i am not the buddahs belly, you shouldnt touch me for good luck because i dont even want to be here.

old lady with a wheel chair where her legs are sicking out horizontal is taking up four seats in the front. you want to hate her but number one shes old number two shes in a wheel chair and number three she only has twenty three friendsters so you gotta feel pity and i wonder where shes going this morning, if youre an old lady why arent you watching regis from your pissy smelling old ladies bed.

homeless crazy drunk guy walks down the aisle of the subway. i dont know that he doesnt have a home he just looks all wacked out and cruddy. face looks like he had a competition with a dog to see who could hold their face out the window on the car ride down from alaska the longest and the dog lost. but hes got the most wonderful hair and as he passes i see theres not a wallet in his back pocket or a phone number of a girl who just wants to get it on no strings attatched but a plastic blue brush and if you know you got it, flaunt it. and all that fuck has is hair. and i so dont want to be anywhere even near here.

mind in motion + welch + layne bootlegs

by out i mean its on the Internet, for free, on their record label’s web site.

it’s called Star Time, and it’s not the new single, it’s a taste of what will come from their new cd.

which theyve just finished making for your asses.

i like it so much that i did something i hadnt done in a long time, i played it over and over until i had written down all the words.

some of the lines might be wrong, and if they are, oh well.

but here’s what i figured out and here’s the link to the mp3

i also made a little fake cd cover for it.

and now that ive told all of you about it i will listen to it again.

tsar plays spaceland this saturday night.

Tsar

“Star Time”

(whalen)

from the forthcoming yet-to-be-named cd

Hollywood Records

LA is the place to be, and if it aint as shocking as it used to be

take the bullet out your head

put it back in the gun

get your finger on the trigger

welcome, everybody, to the city of sound

they feast on the defeated

turn the city around

all they want to do is get up on your action.

let em go.

my brothers are all proud rockers

wild and aloof and trippin on acid.

my sisters are all stun stunners

wired to the roof and rolling on adam.

baby you live like a suicide

hell, somebody’s got to stand up and die

well, i think i live down in hollywood

never liked no fraud who wastes his money for food

for fifteen-minute freaks

to fan the flannel flame

cuz he used you, man.

come on,

pass the pipe and take the test

cuz youre the young lee harvey

man, you’re david koresh,

and if you dont dig that

why dont you go home

and watch some tivo, fucker

my sisters are all nice rockers

shoes to the roof, and looking up at my way.

my brothers are all jean-cutters,

glued to the tube and jumping like an osprey.

the hey hey never let me down

they love the sound of it getting around

and we say, oh

american girl

fill my heart with gladness, lord

you gotta save my soul

clean my mouth of sadness,

lord

my brothers are all proud rockers

trippin on acid.

my sisters are all stun stunners

rolling on Adam.

x2

wash these devils off

star time

rock n roll

make up your mind

to this world, come on,

get ready to let it rock on

star time

we’ll steal the show

so many miles to goooooooo

and let it rock on

get ready

to let it

rock on

x3

why dont you say a few things about him.

she worries about what her momma will think about the things she writes on her blog, and i think thats cute. not enough people are concerned about those things, and im starting to think they should.

shes very worried that her momma wont like this picture and i said, whats not to like? you look like an angel.

an angel sitting by a pool.

kristin is such a good girl that she started her blog with her highschool-aged little sister just so that they could stay in touch as kristin went back off to college.

madpony.com has been around about 9 months now, and i am completely shocked that it hasnt taken off and totally surpassed the readership of lesser blogs like, well, this one.

busblog is not written by two hot southern girls who give detailed descriptions of european vacations, sorority house dramas, and blue ribbon-winning horse shows.

the only thing i can imagine is kristin is the main contributer to madpony and shes pretty obviously in love with her long-time boyfriend. could that be the reason that the floodgates of hits dont find their way to oklahoma?

then explain nay, who has had the same boyfriend since she was 14 and is recently talking about marrying him at the ripe old age of 17. nay gets a gazillion hits. (which is a lot.)

traffic and hits and “popularity” are red herrings. they mean as little about good quality content or interesting people as prom court selections. im a huge fan of the madpony sisters because theyre all-american and sweet and wonderful and funny and wholesome and creative.

i dont know what more people could want from a website.

a pg rated one.

from hot sisters

from a tight-knit family.

actually i think i know what would drive more hits and its sad.

imagine if the sisters faught each other in public. little snipey verbal jabs at each other. that would get them attention.

imagine if the sisters wore whorish clothes or talked about sex. that would get them more hits.

and all of that has been done a zillion times and it wouldnt be much different than most of the sites out there that i dont link to and to be honest, i bet a lot of it wouldnt be nearly as interesting as the real stories of real people in a real nice family.

personally i would like it if the gals took more pics of oklahoma and their lives. and i would also like it if lauren contributed more because she can be really funny.

and of course i wish that the horses would submit a few more posts because talking horses are gold.

blog blog blog + mrs. bukkake’s movie reviews + sk smith didnt like the hours?

who claims to be the grandson of the finest baseball announcer of all time, harry caray.

reason number one: he sucks.

july seventh, two thousand and three, wrigley field, chicago.

cubs up 6-3 over the marlins, bottom of the eigth, bases loaded with cubs.

eric karros at bat.

chip caray: “had a great time visiting with eric karros and his wife, mark grudzielanek and his girlfriend last night at the house of blues.

“hootie and the blowfish put on a great concert.

“jim sonnenfeld, one of the members of that terrific rock n roll outfit, kind enough to have us out to that concert last evening.

“let’s see if eric can rock this house with a big hit in the 8th to put it out of reach.”

its bad enough that we have to be cubfans.

but then they make us listen to that.

i kept thinking, what if my kids heard that.

the court says that i dont have any kids anymore, which is a relief because i would point alot and say, be like that, or dont be like that.

or sometimes i would just point and say bad.

i just switched over to the dodgers padres and theres our buddy vin scully showing guys like caray every damn day how its done if you want to play it straight and perfect.

hell, his dad skip is pretty good at playing it straight.

but i think the problem with chip is that either hes possesed by a demon, or he just plain sucks.

and someone who sucks, you cant really do anything about.

chip caray will never bust with the

had a great time with mark pryor and kyle farnsworth as we checked out the black flag reunion show at the caberet metro across the street last night after the game.

rollins said our names were on the list but thats a show i didnt mind paying real money for.

they totally rocked family man, steve.

and you might say, but thats not fair, tony, chip caray would never in a million years say anything like that.

and id say exactly and fire him, because his grampa would have never seen hootie and the blowfish with eric karros.

and if he did he would have been ashamed, and wouldnta outted grudz or karros either.

harry caray wouldnta been anywhere near hootie and the damn blowfish.

he woulda said blowfish? i might be a drunk but im no perv.

another nobody + incendiary introspection + gweilo diaries

is that theres always a variety of men around who are quick to do anything that needs to be done around the pool.

this weekend liz lost her glasses in the pool, bam, it was fished out by a fellow who we didnt even know.

then someone else needed to get some burgers cooked, bam, cooked with melted cheese even.

then there was the matter of some prescription pills, voila, a perscription surfaced, then a doctor was contacted, then there were pills.

if i did run for governor of california i would have karisa be my leuitenant governor. someone would say, hey gov, we’re going to need some rolling blackouts today. and i would say why? and they would say, cuz we’re out of energy.

and karisa would say, we’re out of energy? and i bet you three, four guys would fall over themselves with alternative sources of power and we wouldnt need any damn rolling blackouts.

if i ever did have a job where i traveled the country writing about america out of the back of a pick up truck i would want karisa to be my traveling secretary. not only is she an organizational genius, but shes a tech head, and good times follow her everywhere she goes. only problem is she doesnt want to be famous. which would be a problem because between the two of us theres rarely a time when attention isnt directed our way.

i went to ihop today for lunch.

i ordered breakfast in honor of chris who i love because she woulda ordered breakfast. that girl loves breakfast for lunch.

we saw a group of people saying grace before they ate. i thought that was adorable.

anyway, the burgers the dude made at karisas were delish, the vodka shots that liz poured got me hot and bothered, and the chatter among the cool kids was good.

all day i had been hot and i wanted to go jump in her pool, but alas, as soon as i got over i didnt want to go swimming any more. i just wanted to drink and hang out and listen to the groovy tunes that another dude had burned for her.

life must be so much different for the tattooed.

i guess thats why everyone gets em.

jean philippe + missie + wiz bang

did you have fun celebrating your birth? i did.

i dont want to be back at work.

we didnt find the dude we were looking for but we’re back at the office cuz we need to be.

have i told you i dont want to be here at work today?

i dont.

have i told you i miss my true love? yep. do.

have i told you i havent been on a hot date in quite a while.

ah monday must you remind me of my faults?

my hair is growing in sorta ok, i guess. i might even be due for a haircut.

so my question to you is, since i really dont write anything interesting on here, according to a few emailers this weekend, why is it that people write this when i simply link them?

thank you, jesus.

i think i died in my sleep last night and went to heaven.

dresarii

the remake with bill murray is one of my faves and this one is pretty good too.

i have the strangest life. i took a lot of pictures this weekend. i have two 10 page photo essays that just need to be written. now i know why people dont do photo essays very often.

theyre very time consuming. very.

catch twenty two is if you have things to take pictures about then youre probably having a good time doing those things and then when you get back home and edit them and tweak them and do all the things you have to do then you dont have any time to write because its nearly one am and you have to go to work in the morning.

so you blog instead cuz its quicker.

kobe bryant is being accused of sexual assualt and i have no idea how to feel about it.

if i had a late night sunday radio talk show thats how i would have lead off the discussion.

people would say that theres no way he woulda done anything like that because he has a hot young wife.

other people would say that maybe he would because hes the stud of the galaxy and the lakers are about to get the mailman and the glove just to entertain me.

and then someone would say that when you have the money fame good looks success of kobe if you brushed your hand across a woman accidentally she might sue you for sexual assault just to settle out of court.

and then someone would call in to say that women get attacked every day, why couldnt it happen in colorado in a hotel by mr. kobe bryant.

and then we would probably have to take a commercial.

when we got back i would play some music and being sunday i would invite people to pray for number eight

and for any friends who might need a dose of some good stuff from a bigger place.

and for the cubs who have been sucking. big time.

and then i would pop in some led zeppelin.

something slow

and live

since its the night time.

last chance cafe + mallory + blue cad