i dont blame her. fuck ken. women get barbie and we have that dickless prettyboy?

other thank smile, in 47 years wtf has ken done.

he’s kept the weight off. i’ll give him that. i looked in the mirror the other night and there is a gut there, america. wasnt pretty.

not like ken.

smiley.

ken always seemed like he was waving at something.

what the hell was he always waving at.

fuck ken.

put “ken” into google and whattya get?

you get the substance abuse and mental health services administration.

i dont know why.

maybe cuz ken’s a druggie.

which is the secret reason why barbie, who never really seemed to have much use for bro before, kicked his plastic ass to the curb.

the second return of ken into google is ken layne and the corvids.

the best record that came out last year.

if barbie’s ken was in the corvids he wouldnt be waving goodbye to her sweet ass today.

btw, all the corvids have hot babes.

the huge rock concert in the desert about 90 minutes away from hollywood.

two hot chicks might go. together. they may want to be with them. you know what i mean. every mans fantasy. but because i have been assigned the job of living this way so as to report back to you, this fantasy will become a reality.

heres my only problem.

im old.

im 110.

i look younger than that but its all xbi cgi.

this is what i want from coachella. i want an old fucks sextion.

luxury seats at the rock show.

i want it airconditioned, i want it shaded, i want tv screens. i want it to come with complimentary binaculars so i can see all the lovelies on stage and off, and i want bikini girls to bring me $10 beers (pictured).

i dont need luxury boxes at the laker game. i need them at the 8 hour rock festival.

i dont need luxury boxes at the dodger game. i need them so i wont have to stand stand stand during the cure stand stand stand during the pixies stand stand stand during wilco and radiohead.

sorry, but you really cant dance to those bands and f all of you for pretending that you can.

how am i gonna rock out to Air or Belle and Sebastian?

i love the flaming lips but i would rather sit down and enjoy their trippiness without some dumb frat dick in front of me in my way.

death cab, bright eyes, you will know us by the trail of the dead: i want to watch those bands not get crushed by college kids standing on their tip toes to get a good view.

i want a cushioney seat, i want a place to put my visa card so i can charge EVERYTHING including my chocolate ice cream in my commemorative cup.

and yes, id pay $150 for my seat, per day.

build it and charge my lazy olde ass, hippies.

the entire coachella lineup + bunny is going too!

it was a job where i would blog for a living. i think i fucked up.

its hard to answer their questions and not seem too cool for school but isnt that what youre supposed to do?

first question that i fucked up on was when the guy asked me if i considered what i did on my blog what i would do on their blog. i responded in a sorta flippant way.

i said, are you going to pay me to lie about my life and put up pictures of hot girls?

he said no. we want you to write about our projects.

i said ok then i suppose my blog wont be anything like the blog that you fellas want.

there was some silence on the phone and some whispering.

have i told you that the only time one should whisper is when one is in the bed with another?

it is.

i dont think i got the job.

i dont think i want to work for someone who doesnt understand me perfectly. not that thats ever happened before. recently.

im a little weary of people who want blogs on their corporate site who dont truly understand what blogs are for. people who want them just cuz their daughters tell them that theyre cool. they are cool.

im sure they will have a blog. one day. and a good one.

it just wont be any time soon.

and i doubt i will write it.

and if i do theyre going to have to pay me so much its gonna hurt.

fucked up thing about hollywood is the only time some people respect you is if you have a high rate and stand firm with it.

it doesnt mean that youre any good. it just means you know how to be stubborn.

me, i just want to write well.

live well.

rock well.

and fuck tons.

and you wish i wrote like this for your silly little corporate blog that you want your daughter to read.

im not ignoring her. im just not interested anymore. in her. and her dumb ass. which is russian. and married to a boybander. without the decency to britney spears that shit off.

someone bid on my fro. i forget who told me. mighta been my truest. cant remember. today has been a blur.

people need to bid on that shit. my mom wrote me an email this morning and said that even for my standards what im doing is gross.

if it had been a phone call i woulda told her that it shouldnt matter what im auctioning off, its for charity. if i had a bag of dirt on there people should bid so that the poor and the sick and the sexy can get free medical aid from the Hollywood Free Clinic on sunset blvd.

and since when is hair gross?

i know that jerry seinfeld has that joke about how we love hair when its on peoples heads but we instantly hate it when it’s no longer attatched.

its a joke because its true, but it shouldnt be true. hair isnt gross. it’s hair. its the same thing that we pretend makes someone look good or look bad. hair is dumb. image is dumb. hair in a plastic bag on my chair in my hollywood bungalow is dumb, not gross.

everyone, however, especially those at the xbi say that what im doing is gross.

f them.

what im doing is beautiful. im raising money for a charity. and youre helping.

and its funny.

and its right.

and it makes you think a little.

and for each bid that i get miss montreal says she will come over to my house and please me orally and thats a good thing.

trust me, its a good thing.

and heres what i will do. whoever is the highest bidder, let me know and i will link their website. in fact everyone who bids will get their pages linked. how about that smarties? huh? huh!

the other day i gave a hot girl a key to my house.

i tried to play it cool and say, my maid has one, so you might as well have one.

truth was i didnt like keeping my back door open when she would come over at night when i was in the shower.

scary enough being in a shower alone with nothing to protect you except a .45 and a back door cam, but to have a door wide open for just any old yahoo to slip in through is silly.

i told karisa this and she said, ooooo she can come in whenever she wants and i said yep.

and we drank a two dollar shot and i said yep again. feeling slightly defeated somehow.

which is just as dumb as you all thinking that my fro in a freezer bag is gross. so there.

splink is my role model + ashly writes for lick + bonjour avec boucles

waiting for karisa to call back cuz shes coming over we’re gonna eat pizza and then we are going to the damn show and watch tsar kick all our asses while drinking two dollar beers. how do you beat that? great rock music for free if you whisper free diana ross at the door and two dollar beers.

and im serious for a minute. tsar could be the finest rock band in los angeles. do you know how many times i say that on this blog – tsar is the finest rock band in los angeles and nobody calls bullshit? nobody.

does the music scene in la blow? yes. its blown since guns got signed. doesnt matter. every year there is a great band that plays la for a while until people figure it out. weezer did it. beck did it. now tsars doing it. my recommendation get there early and stand near the front. the power And the subtlety can best be seen and felt from up close.

i should be showering or cleaning up the pad but im lazy and drunk and i really want to play playstation but when i bought that thing i promised myself that i would only play if i did something constructive first. so i will tell you about someone who told me that they have a crush on me. me!

how do you like them apples.

i dont believe it of course but it is very nice. im almost done reading pimp by iceberg slim and he wrote this in the 40s about pimping in the 30s and guess what number his hotel is in downtown chicago. four twenty.

i love this book so. i dont want it to end. i cant see how it could end. fortunately my man has written several books about his pimp life and im going to let something out into the universe. lets see what happens.

pimp needs to be a modern day film starring of course snoop dogg. i would also cast Shaquille O’Neal as “Sweet” the biggest meanest pimp in town who lives in a penthouse apartment and just might be “crazy” and lil kim as “The Runt” his whore. this book is so intensely real its unreal. and the stories and descriptions seem so modern day that its freaky. but the most surprising thing about it is how much attention he pays to jazz music which is always playing. if he gets into a studebaker, or walks into a bar, or goes into an apartment theres either live music, a jukebox, or a record player belting out duke ellington or billie holiday. he beats his whore in one instance as billie holiday’s “my man” spins in the corner of the room.

the main character is a tall skinny black man who’s main asset is how well he can speak the pimp jive.

i see a cameo from richard pryor as one of the theives in the bar, eminem as one of the bad cops, and of course sam jackson as “Top” the pimp who teaches “Blood” the trade.

spike lee should direct, duh.

snoop would probably do it for a few million, and sam jackson would be the most expensive but he has been in four spike lee movies but none since ’91s jungle fever. thats 13 years ago! wtf, sam. lil kim’s not gonna cost you anything.

i see a cameo by mariah carey as the woman who educates the young man in the sack when he was a teen.

the movie could be and should be made for under thirty million. a few interiors. no special effects. and if it works out you have a few more books to go to if you want some ready made sequels.

heres ways to mess it up.

hire will smith instead of snoop dogg.

make it modern day.

put hip hop music in it anywhere

fuckers.

leah + rabbit + my afro is for sale

and on monday betsey johnson showed her new line. to celebrate miss montreal came over last night dressed up as an 80s ho. betsey would have been proud.

she had a striped shirt dress that barely covered her coochie, fishnets, bangles, pink earrings, and tall fuck me boots. so i fucked her.

you know youre with a good girl when you reach down the fishnets and you’re doing your thing and you whisper that youre sorry but that youre trying to be gentle cuz you dont want to rip her stockings and shes all i dont care if you rip my fucking stockings and she rips em for you.

i suppose theres other ways to know when youre with a good girl but thats one way.

my truest gave me back a few crates of cds that i gave her years back when we split. apparently she never cracked open the ted nugent box set nor any of the motorhead cds or many of the other assorted masterpieces so she brought them over this weekend and last night as miss montreal was over i popped in the first cypress hill cd from my old box of love.

heres a game you can play with cypress hill and a half naked betsey johnson looking canadian girl in your waterbed.

every time that one guy in the background repeats what the main guy says, kiss the girl.

every time they mention drugs of some sort, squeeze her ass.

every time they talk about cops fucking up their shit do something with a boobie.

and like most cds, dont get her naked and dont let her get you naked until the first track is completed. if youre a super good boy wait till the end of the second track.

and of course, dont head for the home stretch until the cd has completed and it starts repeating.

musical cues my friends. life is full of tiny little musical cues to help your unworthy ass out.

ben’s daily blarf + regerchris + hosemonster is getting hitched

good news: rick dees is quitting.

bad news: ryan seacrest will probably replace him.

hey radio wonks: you *can* have pop radio shows without incredibly annoying

know-nothing mascara wearing idiots to tell you that youre listening to beyonce