i dont. i dont understand a damn thing.

people ask me why i get more hits than them. fuck if i know. people ask me how i get away with murder. and i dont know that either.

i wonder why people call me their hero. i wonder why people want to party with me. i wonder why super hot babes want to come to my house for spring break and be way cuter in real life. but we could go all day and all night and some of the morning asking why when all along the answer is a simple one.

because.

life isnt fair. life isnt predictable. life isnt perfect. but life is good. it’s very good. if you hang in there everything evens out and if youre the right dumbass at the right time the sky will open up and down will fall buckets of fun.

im not sorry i havent updated much lately. i told you i wasnt going to and i lived up to my promise. you can call me whatever you want but im generally a man of my word. i promised lots of pics and ive given some pics. lots will start appearing tomorrow when i can fully start spring breaking. today is my last day on call, so of course this morning they woke me from my pleasant bed and told me that i have to come in. so here i am. in.

if life was fair i wouldnt have half the shit i have now. id probably still be working at sears. assistant manager of dept 57 or some shit busting peoples asses for not selling enough warranties. but thankfully it isnt and even though im not entertaining my southern visitor, if i have to work, today is a day that is great to work: its warm, its sunny, its clear, and the crime we’re about to fight is exactly the type that i love: vengeful crime.

today we get to bust some motherfuckers that we’ve been after for a long delicious time. we’ve been staking these asswipes out for months and todays the day and it couldnt be sweeter. they are very bad people and theyre going to get spanked by the x and it’s so big you might even hear it in your part of the usa.

last night my boy anti came over. good people. i never really know what to do when people come over so usually we just drink, watch tv and i give them stuff. i gave anti a bukowski book cuz he says he never read him before. first i was going to give him The Most Beautiful Woman in Town but bunny said that it wasnt a good one so i gave Notes of a Dirty Old Man or something. i forget. i was toasted. thankfully i wasnt driving.

no hangover today which is nice. but also what happens when people send you cuban rum. thanks people.

i will do my best to live up to your high ideals but deep down im just a dumbass from hollywood.

tsar was amazing on sunday.

and she is a doll

then we went to a sweet little gettogether at miss montreal’s mansion. then we drove through the streets of hollywood. then we flew chopper one with the lights off. then we ate at tommys burgers.

all the while i clued him into all the secrets of the world.

from the mouths of babes.

the day didnt start off very well. i woke up at 8:30am got to the rentacar place at 9:30 and immediately they informed me that my drivers liscense has been expired since 10/22. so they drove me to the hollywood dmv which puts the star wars cantina to shame.

got there at 10am they told me that it would be an hour wait maybe an hour and a half.

i had iceberg slims trick baby on me so i was ok. but i was sweating it cuz i had to go to ventura county to pick my bro up and i wanted to get him to santa monica to have lunch with karisa and my truest for lunch at noon.

didnt get my number called till twelve thirty. the lady typed in my new address, took my $24, and pointed me to the camera lady. the camera lady took my picture and i was done.

for some reason they had me wait two and a half hours for something that took maybe two minutes to get handled.

fuck you dmv.

tell me there cant be a line for quick fast tiny shit like that at the dmv.

fuck you.

called the rentacar place. they picked me up. enterprise. thanks enterprise. cute little lil blonde girl. drove me to los feliz. why? who knows. didnt have any cars in los feliz so we went over to the capital records area for a car. then i was off.

it was warm in la. i hadnt driven in the afternoon like that in a while.

i drove fast to pick my bro up. i was hella late. my truest was the bestest and said for me to drive slower that we would eat at three and they would take the rest of the day off.

my truest and karisa work together.

next to each other.

its nice.

got there looked around met people shook hands called jeanine. she met us at don antoinios on pico we sat in the patio in the back (pictured). ate drank talked laughed. all was good.

all was super good.

and it only got better.

flagrant + sk smith + moxie + happy bday shaq

and not just any old animal. king of the damn jungle.

i don’t know how i got in this fucker.

they feed me. they clean my cage.

kids come to the fence and point. people take pictures. i get my shots.

now and then they’ll toss a female into my habitat and wait for us to mate.

in the morning they find her disheveled and an ear hanging on by a thread

n smitten.

but no cubs on the way.

just another day.

i wasn’t meant to sit here for this long.

i was meant to roam the jungle.

i was meant to walk where the wild things are.

hollywood isn’t bad. cali doesn’t suck. the rains have stopped. its warmish. the ladies play it safe with knee length skirts tight turtlenecks and fuckmetony boots and i lick my chops and look at the gazelles sipping by the new river.

i know they’re drugging me cuz i just don’t feel like playing with my chew toy the way i used to. i know there’s something in the steaks they thr0w at me cuz im bored with everything.

elephants parade by once in a while and they think they’re so tough. they’re not so tough. but maybe somethings in the water cuz i don’t even want to acknowledge them. when i was younger i woulda told them that if they stop walking im going to take a chunk out of their ass. nowadays i just raise my tail and see what happens.

im fat. im slowing. i climbed a tree the other day and it took a little longer than normal to get back down.

i saw my reflection in the glass today and i looked like a clown.

and i know i cant just jump the moat but i look at it and i think about it

and i heard about a monkey that did it in 86.

this hot lion said its better to get shot on the free side

than rot away fenced in

like this.

accordion guy + keanuvision + joz joz joz

it still hasnt sunk in to me that the best golfer in the world, maybe ever, is Black.

im not sure if im happy or sad that Tiger isnt an attention whore.

seems to me, the best golfer of all time should be getting a little more hype.

why isnt he doing any more those one-on-one golf matches under the lights in palm springs? why isnt he on letterman more often? why doesnt he have a book out? dvds? a cologne? a line of hair care products.

a how-to book on getting a swedish model to fall for you?

the richest man in the world, the sultan of dubai lets this guy take tee shots off his helipad (pictured). why is it that you’re finding out about this on a blog?

Tiger’s PR people need to get axed.

my man had 19 starts last year. he placed in the top 10 in those tournaments 11 times.

of those 11 top-ten finishes he was in the top five 10 times.

thats sick.

of those 10 top-five finishes last year he won the whole damn thing 5 times.

so whats a brotha got to do to get a little love up in here?

if i was tiger’s people i would have a chocolatey protein “Tiger Bar” and a line of golf clubs called the Tiger Tail featuring a collection of drivers called Tiger’s Woods.

and i would make yellow and black toothpaste for kids, and chewable vitamins.

and i would have him get on tv more.

like guest hosting Soul Train n shit.

dan the goose + moxie + steph

a nice young man reminded me that i am a Christian minister and asked me what i thought about gay marriage and suggested that i write a little something about it on my blog and i thought thats funny, i dont usually get religious requests but ok.

i think even though there isnt a separation of church and state in america nor does there need to be one, if a gay couple wants to be married so that they could participate in some of the same human rights as non-gay married couples like being able to visit or pull the plug on their terminal loved one, or to claim an inheritence, or for tax purposes, etc., then they should be allowed a civil wedding. this is the land of the free, righties. quit being old. those arent traditional values other than ignorance intolerance and denial when you discriminate, especially to our gay lesbian and transgendered brothers and sisters.

however if a church doesnt want to perform the religious ceremony they should be allowed that option. the Bible is reasonably clear about its stance on homosexuality, however the New Testament did usher in a kinder gentler atmosphere. instead of an eye for and eye, we’re told to turn the other cheek. instead of rules prohibiting eating pork and shellfish we’re suddenly allowed to.

but most importantly we’re given a new commandment from Jesus.

love each other like ive loved you.

thats an order from above.

love is love

love is not “be cool about it”

love is “be passionate about it”

love is a strong word and the chosen one is telling us to love even the gays, christians.

love them as much as how much God loves Christians.

some of whom are gay.

but, no, i dont believe that a man who was born a man but then had the proceedure that turned him into a woman, should be allowed to play on the womens professional golf tour.

fucks up the sanctity of golf.

souptree + tim blair + the coke lounge

my maid had a pot of pasta waiting for me when i got home. pretty nice of her since i have used her for a month. i only got her because this one chick said shed come over more if my house was cleaner. i do dumb things for girls. i wouldnt have a cell phone if it wasnt for one girl. i wouldnta stopped dating for a while there if it wasnt for anothern. and a third some say was the reason behind my bald new look.

problem im having with one of em is, you know what, never mind. everyone loves me. my maid made me supper.

i think she probably saw that i left a box of noodles out.

then i think she probably saw a nice jar of organic tomato sauce a hippy chick gave me for christmas that i never ate.

then while she was cleaning out the fridge, emptying the diet dr peppers from the 12 pack and into the bottom shelf she spied some hot dogs that were itching to spoil next to a green pepper and a red pepper long forgotten but hanging in there.

and that sweet woman

whom i have never met

mixed it all together and hopefully ate a bowl herself and left me with this awesome pot of surprising love.

i know a lot of people have suspected, but no i have never taken steroids.

no, i wont piss in a cup, i want you to believe me when you ask me personal questions, but no, i never did.

i dont care that bonds did and sheff and giambi did, but i didnt.

i blog three times a day, get in fights with dcupped angels over launching websites, and i write while im falling asleep because i love to. not because of roids.

ive told you before

fuck barry bonds.

the other meesh + houseplant + james

not only is this venezuelian woman chucking rocks with her wrist rocket but shes doing it in hiphuggers and her workout top with a ponytail. if only she was aiming at a starbucks there in caracas.

i’ll take a ticked off pilates instructor with a slingshot over 4 kids throwing rocks any day.

its lightening and thundering here in hollywood so theyve grounded me and chopper one and so im listening to dinosaur jr and wearing the gay hat that miss montreal gave me. its supposed to be one of those sorta trendy skull caps that all the kool kids are sporting but ive never been a kool kid. not fashionably so.

i need a shopping spree. i want to write a story about a boy and a girl who steal a car in the middle of the night and steal a crowbar and drive through the window of a melrose hipster clothes store and run out with handfuls of the latest threads and some vintage peices and some pimp hats and several pairs of pumas.

and get in a cab and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

and then asking the cabbie to stop at pinks he says sure and they get him a big chicago dog with extra tomatoes and they drive into the hollywood hills laughing and kissing and ultimately crying cuz its just all too emotional not for the girl but for the boy.

joan and melissa rivers were on the view today.

that i know this proves that this hat is gay.

if i was gay i would be making a lot more money.

watched forever eden last night with clipper girls cousin. we’re like an old married couple. we sit there and hold hands and read magazines and occassionally glance up at the screen, just waiting for bedtime for an album side of passion and then a little sleep of the just.

we know its over for us. i like her cousin better anyway but her cousin isnt talking to me cuz she told me not to do her cousin and i thought she was bluffing but whe wasnt.

only thing i didnt like about forever eden is they tell you whats going to happen WHILE youre watching the show.

what they do is right before they go to commercial they go, “coming up next on forever eden…”

and then they show you the conflict thats about to go down.

um, excuse me, im 20 minutes into your show! im watching it! im in! no need to tell me the juicy parts so i dont flip away.

if you havent given me reason to stay with the first 20 minutes of your show, what makes you think that telling me whats going to happen is going to keep me?

dumbshits.

i might have to protest watching Forever Eden if they keep that shit up.

and who are these people who WANT to know?

and why do they always end up on my couch adusting their garters?

think my man bill shakespeare woulda stood for that shit?

coming up next in MacBeth… Lady MacBeth goes ca-razzzy… and if these woods are rockin, dont ye bother knockin…

i need a vacation.

dear fragrant, if im not your number one fan it’s cuz you delete before i can read your stuff, email me everything you post, thank you + britcoal + bunnie