tell me your name. i just watched american idol. i wish i was a neilson family. i watched the first two american idol episodes and none after that and today they had the “untalented” show and it was awesome.

i saw my man william hung today and i was cheering along. if he sang at the end of every show id watch it every week.

people seriously need to hire me to tell them these things.

now im watching forever eden which sorta looks like paradise hotel which i loved. we really should thank the japanese for giving us these bizzare reality shows.

thank you japanese people.

ive noticed that im nicer after watching that jesus movie.

i talked on the phone to the 90 year old lady upstairs.

i did pass a legless man in a wheelchair who had fallen asleep in the rain in his chair out on the sidewalk.

didnt really know how to feel about that.

it was in front of a huge church that people dont think is a church but i dont think they pay taxes, so i’ll call them a church. and they have people walking around that church all the time. churchmembers. but it is a pretty busy sidewalk but surely theyd roll the man inside.

it was odd.

theres hospitals all around that church but still.

hollywood has its darkside my friends.

its not all bikini girls palmtrees and coke parties.

sometimes it rains

and youre legless

and youve fallen asleep.

it was dark out there. it coulda been anything. man. woman. other.

im not proud. and that jesus movie did make me feel bad at least, i guess thats a step in the right direction.

i suppose one day i will stop and help

i think it was a guy.

had a nice black cowboy hat on.

no feet.

little stumps sticking out of the pant legs at the knee.

so dark i nearly bumped into it because i thought it was an abandonded cart of some sort.

but it was a wheelchair with a tall black hook coming out of the top.

as to hold an iv at home?

to hold a hat?

i thought if i was that dude i might just end it all out there on sunset blvd drunk

there was an empty bottle of booze behind him a good twenty paces.

house brand vodka it looked.

same stretch of sunset you see at the end of “adaptation.” when the flowers time lapse

id buy a william hung dvd if he’d autograph it for me.

trevor + the ward + muscle68

on yahoo/reuters that says that only 10% of bloggers update every day.

and it says that of internet users only 13% have websites and only 2% have blogs!

tap tap tap

is this thing on?

people of earth wake up and get a damn blog!

they’re free you know.

look at me: im not a handsome man. i spout off on shit that people say i dont know anything about. in fact nothing on here is true, allegedly.

and not only has blogging gotten me cold hard cash, but gifts, emails of encouragement from the fellas, and offers of decadence from the ladies.

witness a conversation that took place mere hours ago:

Superhotbeachgirl: hi Tony

dumbass_me: hi baby

Superhotbeachgirl: Do you know Marc Brown?

dumbass_me: very well

Superhotbeachgirl: cause he’s coming to florida and wants to meet up

dumbass_me: nice

Superhotbeachgirl: you should come with him

dumbass_me: i wish

dumbass_me: marc lives in a sweet loft

dumbass_me: drives a phat car

dumbass_me: owns a great web development company, invented Buzznet

dumbass_me: im just a bum

Superhotbeachgirl: you are not a bum

dumbass_me: whens he gonna be out there?

Superhotbeachgirl: I don’t know, this week I think

dumbass_me: damn

dumbass_me: if i went out there would you let me put sunscreen on your back?

Superhotbeachgirl: I most deffanitly would, not that i need it, im originally from hawaii

dumbass_me: ive been told i have nice hands

dumbass_me: but those girls are typically drugged when they mumble those things

Superhotbeachgirl: you can take all my college girl stress right away?

dumbass_me: um

why does this girl know me?

blogging.

why does she want me?

who knows.

how is marc brown gonna make his fortune?

blogging.

it’s how you get hot chicks if you cant play guitar.

ive told you this over and over. i document it. i take pictures. you see it yourself. and yet i read these sorts of reports all the time. reports that say that blogging is increasing but not skyrocketting.

you all saw ryan perry from gorilla mask launch his blog and wham, madpony kristin went flying out to meet him.

you saw that one chick tell everyone that she was addicted to buying things on her credit card and she needed help paying off her debts. and the whole web gave her money to pay off her debts.

you saw will weaton turn into just another washed up has-been child actor into the blogging star that he is now.

you saw adam curry actually get *respect* from the internet through blogging when being an mtv vj only gave him bucketloads of due shame.

i could go on and on.

blogging will change your life.

it will make it better.

maybe not for all of you, but for most of you.

blogging is an even playing field. you can do it anonymously if you want. you can put your pics all over if you want. you can lie you can tell the truth. you can show up to the party late and take over if you do it right.

tell me one person who isnt interested in reading a good new blog.

it can be you.

you have to update every day, though, unless youre hot like madpony. but even they should update every day.

write, people. write. i Know you have stories to tell.

otherwise dumbshits like me will just swoop into your town with mc brown and scoop up all the white women.

and hawaiian grrrls.

low culture + kitty bukkake meets sksmith + gorilla mask

tells me that march is women’s history month.

who knew?

so what i will do is only put pics of women on this blog for this month. how does that sound.

women have been integral to my life. my mom raised my sister and i pretty much single-handedly. when she had to work and we were young she sent us to a woman’s home who looked after us and taught me how to play games like scrabble and boggle. all my best teachers in school were women.

and then there was dianne poliakoff who made me kiss her when i was in grade school.

ahhh diane.

thank you for that.

saw a man take a shit in the subway today.

actually i was upstairs by the street. i saw a young girl click the elevator button. i clicked my elevator button and we watched to see which elevator would come up first.

hers came up first.

but as we got into that empty elevator we saw “my elevator” arrive completely packed full of people.

the girl and i decended and we saw a man clean up his poop. right next to our elevator.

i deduced that as people waited for the elevators he dropped trau and took a nice oldfashioned right there. disgusting everyone who rushed to the far elevator.

he didnt have enough tp to wipe himself and the floor, so kind gent as he was, wiped the floor.

as i went to the train i saw that he didnt have enough for the floor either.

and yes, this is why there should be restrooms in the subways of los angeles.

the reason they dont have any is because theyre afraid that women would get raped in them or that hookers will have sex in them or that bums would sleep in them.

i say have a camera near the front door and hire pee pee monitors who would announce into the bathroom “i saw you take someone in there! one person at a time in the restrooms. thank you!”

the pee in the elevators is a normal fragrance, fyi.

in nicer news: kristin gets interviewed by adrants

yes im a sell out. yes i still have to finish Lick and its past midnight and it’s a schoolnight and i still hafta get a buspass for tomorrow. and yes i dont have anyone over right now.

and yes i saw the passion of the christ yesterday and yes it was fantastic and yes it was gruesome and no it wasn’t the least bit antisemetic. if they think that was antisemetic they think the new testament is antisemetic cuz that movie stuck to the four gospels pretty close.

i did like that he chose to use the earthquake scene during the crucifixion. it only appears in one of the four gospels that discuss the crucifixion.

yes i have no banannas i have no banannas today.

an anonymous blogger said that she had a lil crush on me and now im dying to know who this rapscallion is. but i suppose it doesn’t matter. and i dont want to know. i like unsolved mysteries.

i was on the phone tonight with my true love and its almost like she got a spell put on me back in the day. and like maybe she was only supposed to put a teaspoon of that shit in my drink and she put like 5 tablespoons.

she will call and im out of control.

she’ll talk and i’ll listen but instead of acting reasonable and asking like a follow up question i’ll be all like

come on baby let me hop on the bus and give you the good shit.

she’ll laugh

let me bring back some lil memories. let me ring that forgotten bell. let me do to you all the dirty things that no one knows about.

and she’ll tell me that a few people know.

and i will say let me lick you where ever you want. anywhere. name the spot. name the quadrant. zero me in on the x y.

and today she said i would like my toes licked.

and i was all hmmm i dont know if i could do that.

she went ha!

and i said, but if there was one girl who id do that to itd be you.

and she told me how she wasn’t all that into lost in translation and i said you still have that little baby blue number. the one that showed off your hips real good.

i said what do i hafta do to get some of that shit on the down low.

she just laughed and said oh brother.

raspil + anti + mc brown