otherwise known as “we thought pierce was cool”

(Corvid’s GM Matt Welch’s comments in italics)

Floyd vs. Jose Guillen. One’s 27, and will play every day. The other’s brittle as a ritz cracker.

the key word in welchie’s slur is Ritz. mr. cliff floyd has been injured an awful lot in his career but sticks and stones no longer hurt him. he’s having an awesome spring, and sits poised to regain his 30 HR 100 RBI .317 season that he gave the marlins in 2001 – not that long ago.

with Piazza batting behind him, mr. floyd will not only get decent pitches but will probably score a ton.

meanwhile jose guillen is a dominican howard johnson not the fabled hotel chain, but the former ny met who one day woke up and started hitting homers.

guillen spent his entire career bobbing between hitting .222 and .247. he also spent loads of time in the minors because he just. couldnt. hit. then all of a sudden last year he saw the light and around the fourth of july found himself batting .350!

he ended the year with a remarkable 23 homers, but now that steroids are illegal, he’s a corked bat away from being back to hitting below the mendoza line.

have fun spending 7 years learning american league pitchers jose!

because im nice, i will consider this a toss up since both these players are huge question marks.

Podsednik vs. Kearns. Some skinny last-place Slav, vs. the next coming of Mickey Mantle. Good luck.

that skinny slav is Milwaukees best player, thank you. even though thats not saying much. last year as a Rookie, he led the brew crew in hitting (.314), runs scored (100), hits (175) and stolen bases (43).

the next Mickey Mantle has a good start on the mickster with an injury that kept him from playing the second half of the season last year. he did have an impressive 15 homers and an unimpressive .244 ba. but im sure he will find his way to the bottle and be the true embodiment of the former yankee.

i win.

Sosa vs. Shannon Stewart. Guess you had to win something besides backup C.

i like guys named Shannon. especially black guys, cuz you know if youre a black guy named Shannon you’re used to beating peoples asses for laughing at your name.

Shannon doesnt beat Sammy at anything. even after his corked bat incident, Sammy took a non corked bat and knocked 40 homers and led the cubbies to what should have been a world series appearence.

bothered with an early season injury, sammy only hit .279 but drove in 103 runs. He also scored 99 runs. His K’s continue to decrease but sadly his walks were nowhere near the 103 that he tallied just a few years ago.

but now that steroids are no longer cool in the bigs, count on the commish to juice the balls and dont be surprised if Sammy slams 70 homers this year — more than 9-10 Shannon Stewarts.

so i win on this one – big time.

Walker vs. Carl Everett. Mine plays every outfield position, yours gets hurt every year.

mine will go into the hall of fame. mine does get hurt every year but for less than 20 games each of the last three seasons. mine goes to canada each year that he gets “hurt” to go fishing and work on his swing in peace. mine hit .350 in 2001 and .338 in 2002. only reason i got him at all – in the 7th round! – was cuz last year he batted a shockingly low .284, but he still walked 100 times and drove in 80 rbi’s.

mine will win the batting crown again and yours is named carl.

carl is playing for his 7th team in his 10th year. if he’s lucky he’ll hit .280, but whats more likely is he’ll twist his knee on that turf in montreal and call it a career. his name may as well be shannon.

did i mention that none of his previous six teams are saying fuck how could we have let carl everett go? he plays every position!

my outfield kicks yours in the ass despite the fact that i have two whities!

Roberts vs. Scott Spiezio. Whatev vs. Whatev

agreed.

i could go on and on about how my guy is gonna swipe 40 bases in the new-look go-go orioles but my baja burrito just arrived and i only like black dudes named Bip Roberts, not Brian.

still i will have to suffer with him till some dominican phenom rises from the nothingness for me to snatch up and be my new Mark Bellhorn.

Colon vs. Javier Vasquez. Not to diss my boy, but Jav had 240 Ks last year, he’s young, not fat, and going from Puerto Rico to House o Ruth.

Senior Vasquez is the real reason to hate the Yankees. He will help the bombers forget about losing Wells Pettite and Clemens combined.

Kevin Brown will remind them what they lost. Especially after he gets hurt again.

Yes your boy struck out 247 batters last year, but you can do that in the NL when you get to whiff pitchers three times a game. The AL will be a different story. They still have DHs over there.

I like Vasquez but I also like Colon. I espect both of these fellas to flirt with 20 wins.

Therefore, a toss-up. But fuck the Yankees.

Derek Lowe vs. Johan Santana. Go check out their lifetime K/9s, and ERA over last two seasons, then get back to me.

im getting bach to you. johan doesnt have many “lifetime” stats since he’s only been in the bigs for four years and he only really started pitching well last year. (12-3, 3.07, 169ks).

But Derek Lowe is a damn stud. In 2000 he had 42 saves, in 2001 he had 21 so they made him a starter in 2002.

So in 2002 he fucked around and won 21 friggin games. Last year he only won 17… poor guy. Now that they have a bullpen in beantown he’ll win 20 again. of my four starters he has the best chance to win 20 games and the least chance to get over 120 k’s. whatev.

20 game-winning toss-up. yay us.

Willis vs. Washburn. Proven 18-game winner on a first place team, vs. sophomore jinx on a struggling reigning champ? Probably a wash.

what you talking about welchie?

your boy washburn had one year where he won 18 games. and i think that damn monkey helped him win half of em. last year he gave up 200 hits, had a 4.45 era, was fat, was ugly, and planted that weed in hud’s bag, and i bet you drop him before the all-star break.

Dontrelle might not lose a game before july. he’s young, he’s hung, and he has a ring.

i win. in a landslide/hurricane.

Glavine vs. Lackey. I’ll bet you $50 on that one, too.

Tom Glavine has had one bad year his whole life.

Last year.

He did it on purpose so I could pick him up in the 18th round. This is a guy who had 18 wins in 2002. had 16 wins the year before that and 21 the year before that. career 251 wins.

lackey has a career 19 wins. and hes ugly.

in his last 13 games your boy won three games and lost eight. and it’s not like he strikes people out. i dont know what you see in him other than a guy who would be delivering milk to your momma if this was 1950, not wins for Your anaheim angels.

my hall of famer beats your pretty boy big time.

my advice: keep your eye on the free agent wire and offer up some trades.

and whatever you do, dont discuss that bullpen of yours. especially that dude Kolb who might might might get 25 save opps.

matthew lee welch + howard owens + accordian guy

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but im gonna win that one too

apparently im the only straight guy in hollywood who wont bone her. so she sent me this picture and asked if i only liked super innocent girls like ashley who wore daisies in their hair and i was thinking if everyone reads this blog, which apparently everyone does, why do the madpony girls kick my ass, doubling my hits on most days, even on weeks where they dont even update?

and i told paris that no i dont like only super innocent girls. im open to all sorts of chicks, including her and her sister. but then i regretted saying anything cuz the last thing i need is to have to deal with breaking poor aaron carter’s fragile heart by stealing his girlfriend who does look pretty good in the marge simpson edition of maxim and its about time that maxim got a few more toons in their shit. even though a toon killed my uncle.

if i was to have a girlfriend anytime soon i would insist that our lustmaking sessions occur solely at my hollywood cabana. theres one particular young lady who keeps trying to pull me over to her cute little condo even though she has a cute little roommate. now, sure, i think we all know what madness may ensue, but it aint gonna ensue. all thats gonna happen is im going to be terribly uncomfortable and im not going to be able to bring the noise the way id like to because im going to be uptight about her roommate hearing, and whatever guest her roommate might have over.

its the silliest issue in rock, but say la vie. i had a similar problem with my true love way back in the day when we were just getting to know each other, except the roles were reversed in a way. i lived with four other dudes in a huge victorian on haight and she lived with her best friend in a quiet apartment on cole and i told her that our loudnesses would be absorbed by the cacocaphony of the bachelors, while at her place her book-learnin roommate would not only hear each move we made but would probably analyze and judge each sound that i was provoking.

youd think the ladies would appreciate a man who has his own place and all the benefits that would come from such a situation but im telling you fellas, life is not as simple as you think its going to be once you graduate highschool.

but no, they just get weirder.

me and paris have similar problems she tells me. for most people, she explains, they have to worry about getting money to spend. her problem is where to spend it and on what. and for me its not how i will get laid or by whom but where.

and i was all yeah paris those are tough problems we have. but im still not doing you until you wash all that aaron carter shit off your face and belly and everywhere else it might be.

she was like, thats so not cool

the new n.e.r.d. record isnt all that.

and i was all, dude im going to take a black light to your shit and if it isnt all out of there i dont want nothing to do with you and she was calling me names and crying but deep down she knows that it’s the right thing to do.

and i think i got an inspiration from raspil on how to put Lick up tonight.

my single mom life + franny + prestopundit