o of course i’m gonna write about her, because she’s still one of the best friends that i have, and shes also the coolest friend that ive had for the longest time.

when things go wrong she always thinks its her fault, but it’s never her fault.

i think about heaven a lot and i know that in heaven there will be angels and angels and angels and they will need someone to hang out with and i will not be surprised if that person will be my dear friend because even angels need someone to look up to.

i think one of the reasons that i have always had good relationships with girlfriends is cuz my first one was so perfect and sweet and honest and was based in pure friendship and all the sappy things that you’d expect from two super shy midwestern catholic kids who both now live in southern california.

magically, tomorrow mary turns 26 but she doesnt look a day over 19. so today i wish her an early happy birthday and a very much deserved mother’s day.

may you all have someone as cool in your life as my dear friend.

and ps, Blogger sucks i cant wait to move to moveable type

interviewed me the other day and since shes not gonna put it on her site, she said i could put it on mine.

lily: hi my names lily whats yours?

me: tony

lily: i like your stuff.

me: thank you.

lily: how many fingers are you?

me: everyones got the tough questions right away.

lily: oh, come on, dont be a baby.

lily: how many fingers?

me: this many.

lily: whats your favorite sport?

me: bowling.

lily: i like french fries at the bowling

me: me too, its the only place that i like them with ketchup

lily: why do you spell it that way?

me: spell what what way?

lily: catsup. you spell it weird.

me: i spell lots of things weird.

lily: what do you do for your job.

me: im an editor

lily: is that like a doctor?

me: no, i correct peoples spelling.

lily: you?

me: can you believe it.

lily: well, lots of things fascinate me. i just spent an hour in this box i discovered.

me: look out for the heavy staples in those boxes.

lily: yeah, thanks. now you tell me.

me: sorry.

lily: ok, gotta go

me: so soon?

lily: i mean poopies.

me: oh, go for it.

lily: but i should go anyway, im bored.

me: ok, nice chatting with you.

lily: bye!

You’re not being linked to from Turkey (at least not in the link you gave.) That link you gave is a Hungarian site (the “.hu” is a dead giveaway), and as a native Turkish speaker, I can tell you that there’s not a single word of Turkish there.

Jay Dough

Thank you Jay. Thank you for proving to the world that i’m not nearly as smart as my writing staff makes me out to be.

In reality, I think im very much like most americans when i say that – not that im proud of my ignorance – i couldnt tell you where Turkey or Hungary are on a map. Honestly, I bet most Americans wouldn’t be able to identify 40 of the 50 states.

But the people who read this blog are not most Americans. The readers here are the creme of the crop. The Upper Crust. The Chosen Ones. The Beautiful People.

We know where all the states are.

But for those of you who didnt know where Turkey is on the map, here’s a map of Turkey for your ass.

And for those of you who didnt know where Hungary is on the map, here’s a map of Hungary.

And for Ken Layne and my ex-girlfriend Jeanine, here’s a nice picture of a monkey hugging a dog.

go to game two of the second-round playoff game between the back to back world champion los angeles lakers as they took on the tough as nails san antonio spurs.

the only catch was we had to sit right behind notorious white slavery kingpin johnnie johnstone and covertly record everything that he would say during the three hour game.

my unwitting accompliss was my former college roommate, and still good pal, sam.

it was good that sam didnt know anything about johnnie – especially his nickname – because sometimes the untrained let things like that slip out and when you’re sitting behind the Milkman you dont want to have him hear from the two guys behind him anything regarding milk or he’d just get up and slither away.

we got to the game early. loaded up on mcdonalds, beer and garlic fries. we didnt look at any of the girls because sam is married and i was on the clock.

he was called the Milkman on the streets because if he got his hands on your daughter the last time you’d see her is on the back of a milk carton.

he was a sick sick sad little man. smaller than i ever imagined, but who had a terrific looking mexican girlfriend who cracked up over nearly all of my jokes in the first quarter and i got a page from my buddy in the fake squad car telling me to take it easy on the comedy or she would turn around and check me out.

so during the second quarter we pretended to be yokels. after taking out a second mortgage on my malibu beach house, i went for a second round of drinks and announced loudly to my buddy that i had just rented a pair of binoculars.

the psychology behind this is genius, people. for if the Milkman ever had even a hint that the xbi was a mere foot behind him with a high powered microphone (and had just placed a tiny peice of chewed gum concealing a minature transmitter on the suspect’s Nike’s) he would forget such notions when the blow-hard started shouting out things like this to his buddy:

“Hey isn’t that Shaq’s mom?”

“Look his son has a Spider-Man action figure.”

Sam said, “Forget the action figure, Spider-Man is a few rows away from us!”

I said, nah, that’s Peter Parker.

To which we broke into a spectacular accapella version of Run-DMC’s “Peter Piper”

Now Peter Piper picked peppers, but Run rocked rhymes.

Humpty Dumpty fell down, that’s his hard time.

But was interrupted by another page telling me to “cut it” cuz the girlfriend was singing along with us.

Now little Bo Peep cold lost her sheep

and Rip van Winkle fell the hell asleep.

CUT IT! screamed the voice from my inner earpeice. so i punched sam’s shoulder and handed him the binoculars saying, “Isn’t that Rocky?”

“yo Adrian!”

and when we saw Jack with the Waterboy going over a development deal, i said, “God he looks scary with that beard.”

and sam said “sure does, and he’s with the red hot chili peper guy.”

i put down the binoculars when i saw joel brand walking behind Spidey. that bastard gets everything!

since i have had requests to tell more of the truth in here, i will tell you that we did not arrest the Milkman at the game, he slipped out in the middle of the third quarter.

but i did happen to get a nice lead.

seven very sassy numbers from a sinful seniorita.

theres so much tonypierce hype you’d think that im starring in Spider-Man.

not only are hot chicks who havent returned my calls in months finally returning my calls, but look at this crazy list of unforseen oddities:

dawn olsen interviews me here, so layne links it meaning it’ll get read by millions, thanks bro.

a. beam is tracking my every move. at least now i know my shadow’s name.

the honolulu weekly listed me with those in “NOT A LIST OF ANGRY WHITE MALEBLOGGERS.”

im being linked in Turkey – which might explain the 300,000+ hits i got yesterday.

the good people at mojo radio in Toronto (640 AM “talk radio for guys”) interviewed me yesterday and kept calling me “Hollywood journalist Tony Pierce.” making me decide that unless you have a press pass you’re not a journalist, but it was nice.

the ego had been stroked very nicely and then sara who just returned from the Kentucky Derby told me that if she had followed my advice she would have picked the longshot winner.

well, duh.

you think i read bukwoski just to steal his style?

so with all this good luck coming my way, what will i do with it?

i will send all my good vibes to ashley in hopes that one of the many cuteboys that cross her path sees the supercoolness that i see in her.

things turned out right and I was on your radio waves tonight at 7:00 pm on the Jeff Marek show on

Mojo Radio 640 on your AM dial.

Thank you Jeff for having me as a guest. It was totally a thrill.

Somehow I am an Anna Kournikova expert. And I am now officially a Blogger since Jeff introduced me as such!

It’s true. i’m a big fan of hers and I follow her athletic career here, and only recently have I allowed this blog to get blogged down with her off-court news, but Canadians, you’ll get to hear my nasaly snarl which i promise you is a hundred times more soothing than Drudge’s.

I have many Canadian readers to this blog.

I’m not sure how that all happened, but it has.

Now I suspect I will have more.

That makes me very happy.

Oh, Anna, your gifts are endless.

btw, I just picked up my copy of the soon to be banned Penthouse and nearly got sticker shock. Guccionne knew it wasnt Anna and yet he is selling it for $8.99. eBay is selling it for $20 right now, so get it at the newstands while you can.

why, oh why, dont people send me gift subscriptions any longer?

he was 70,

he wrote “don’t be cruel”

You know I can be found,

Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.

thanks to all the people who forwarded me the links about the alleged Anna K. pictures. turns out the pics are 7 years old and that of Judith Soltesz-Benetton, the wife of one of the famous Benettons. A judge ordered Penthouse to stop selling the mags, which now means that the issue which was yesterday pretty worthless because the pics weren’t Anna is now a collectors edition since it was yanked off the shelves.

Also, mad props to Rabbit, who Blogger has decided to honor as a “Blog of Note.” Mad props to Blogger for not only honoring this worthy blog, but for doing so despite the somewhat spicy subject matter and curious URL.

and i ask you, what are you going to do to celebrate it?

traci, as we know, is famous for not only being a superstar adult actress but for being the most famous underage porn star. she has since done what most have failed to do and that is to cross over to “mainstream” films, notably John Waters’s “Cry-baby,” and the original “Blade.”

Traci also had a short, but successful recording career, and she even appeared on television as Rikki on “Melrose Place,” and on “Roseanne.”

Born Nora Louise Kuzma, today Traci turns 34.

and still i ask you what will you do to celebrate it?

will you just go through another day getting older and more conservative and safe and dull and predictable, or will you take life by the horns like a wild teenager pissed off and reckless; clueless, yet focused; innocent and wise, naughty and nice; actually, not so nice.

or will you just come home from your day and watch more tv.

when i look back at some of the birthdays that i have celebrated i can remember in great detail the large chunks of waste where i sat around waiting for something or hoping for something or wondering about things, or just being. there wasnt much actual living. just a pace being set and some awkardly unfortunate followthrough, like a pebble that had been kicked down a shit hill and it might think its going somewhere but its just a slave to the motion. theres no movement. theres no energy. theres not even a spark.

consider this your spark. it’s traci lords day.

and if things dont go so well, dont worry, there will be plenty more days to just go through the motions and be safe. i swear.

tonypierce.com

–lisa

lisa, there’s not a lot to figure out.

outside of the crimefighting and the flying cars and the hot babes and the rockstars, i live a pretty normal life.

i know some of the folks, the cool ones.

i will give you a tip about the photo essays. it takes a lot less time to post 30 pictures and write a sentence under each of them, than to write a nice long killer piece that requires some research and structure.

most of the web site is done in the wee hours before i lay my head to sleep, most of the blog is done during my federally mandated 15 minute work breaks – which should explain a lot, especially the spelling.

anyhow, thanks for your questions and nice words. kids, if you have any pressing questions or words of praise, do like lisa did and bust out. you’ll be glad you did.