The Replacements


Miraclo/Glass Records

“If Only You Were Lonely”

Well, I walked home from work

And I was tired as hell

Another day’s come and gone and oh well

Somewhere there’s a drink with my name on it

Well, I ordered a scotch as I bust through them doors

Spilled half on my jeans

The other half on the floor

When I saw you standing by that video game

Well, I ain’t very good

But I get practice by myself

Forgot my one line

So I just said what I felt

If only you were lonely,

If only you was lonely too,

If only you was lonely

I’d go home with you

Twenty push-ups this morning, that was half my goal

Tonight I’ll be doin’ pull-ups

On the toliet bowl

And somewhere somebody’s throwin up

Well, I broke the seal on my door

And I poured myself to bed

The whirlpool spinning around in my head

There was liquor on my breath

And you were on my mind

And I’ll be dreamin of that smile

Without a care in the world

If only you were lonely,

If only you was lonely too,

If only you was lonely

I walked out of the kitchen

I was tired as hell

Another day’s here and oh well

Somewhere there’s a smile with my name on it.

hey tony

down here. my name is jacques, the headless warrior of xi’an.

two thousand years ago i was an army guy for emperor qin, a man who i think you would have liked a great deal.

very loving and friendly and a bit wacky, he wanted to honor his men and instructed the most famous sculptors to cast our bodies in terracotta making sure that our faces and bodies were exactly as they were at the time the Christ was alive.

he took those lifesized sculptures and had his men arrange them all around his tomb as if we were to protect him for eternity.

i guess no retirement plan for us, huh? hehe. yeah, ok.

in 1974 there was a terrible drought in Xi’an, the city had once been the center of culture, politics and religion but all of that had since moved over to Peking.

anyhow, two farmers, digging for water stumbled across one of the warrior sculptures and after the archeologists finished counting, they unearthed over 6,000 completely unique army men most of whom were in primo condition.

most of the scientists assumed that my head was missing due to nature and the pressure of rock and dirt over two centuries, but it’s not so. i was decapitated for being a pussy ass sally getting all heartbroken over a sweet little lass from bejing named roxanne.

i wept and wept over her for years and finally i was approached by the commander of my squadron who asked me if i was sad. i said very much. he said do you wish to die? i said the pain is terrible. he said if i chop off your head will you be happier? i said, i don’t know how worse off i could be. so he unsheathed his sword and sliced off my head and i went back to protecting the emperor.

we have many paths that are available to us, prince of bloggyland, at each step we can enter the woods or stick to the straight and narrow. the woods can be dark and lush and mysterious and dangerous. they can also contain some of the ancient treasures and lost wonders that will only be discovered by the strong and adventurous.

the woods also contain fierce beasts, quicksand, malaria, hungry hungry hippos, and vermin of enormous size and courage.

however, sometimes dumb luck can bring about grand tidings like what that dumbass farmer found and now he signs autographs and poses for pictures with australian tourists while smoking a pipe.

choose wisely. the fates have smiled on you in many ways. although i know you have the courage to tame the jungles, its my advice to stick to the beaten path as luck is your middle name and no one can turn a dunghill into a three ring bonanza of earthly delights like you can.

now move along, i think i heard roxanne’s sweet laugh.

hi drugs and alcohol

you rang?

me? no.

oh, thought you did.

no, wrong tony.

youre the one who’s teenage princess doesnt want you any more, right?


wow, youre really in denial and youre not even drunk yet.

just trying to stay positive.

haha. yeah, good luck on that one.

its not easy. but im a libra. we bounce back pretty fast.

let me ask you this, what would your hero do?

Jesus? probably pray. then do the math, that theres 3 million people in LA, half are women, half are the right age, half of them are hot. half of them are available.

so like 125,000 single hot babes in LA?

not counting orange county.

yeah, you probably shouldnt count that county, since now theres one more available babe there.

are you trying to make me depressed?

who, us? depressants? what about your other hero, charles bukowski, what would he do?


he would, wouldnt he?

then maybe go to a three dolla ho.

didnt he always seem happy?

in a drunken bum loser homeless man way, yes.

and isnt there a lesson there for you?

yeah, kill yr idols.

she doesnt want you anymore.

most girls dont.

she’d rather get sloppy with a teenboy.

finally she listened to me.

theres no hot chicks in LA who want you.


you tell me, when was the last time you got any?

this weekend.


i shit you not.

a fluke, im sure.

arent they all?

dont you want some rum?

yes, please.

dont you want some sticky green bud?


how about some x?

no fun doing x without someone you can kiss.

how about some pain killers?

they make me dizzy.

how about a nice cold frosty one at a strip bar?

i have to save up for aruba.

taking a hot chick?

i was gonna suprise ashley.

nuh huh.


god, that sucks.


so what are you gonna do?

im gonna ask this sweet girl at work for her number.

but youre having terrible luck, she wont give it to you.

50-50 chance.

how do you figure?

she’ll either say yes or no.

no, she might not like guys, she might not like black guys, she might not like you, she might be taken, she might have aids, she might like guys with cars, she might…

50-50 chance. plus she smiles at me in the halls. 75% chance.

if she says no wont you be crushed?

listen, nothing is worse than someone who really really really knows you rejecting you. if someone who doesnt know you rejects you, theyre just rejecting the outside part, the facade, my facade isnt all that impressive.

well, we’ll be here if things dont work out.

thanks, drugs and alcohol. you do smell good. what is that?


i love armeretto.

and humbolt purple haired chronic.

wow, you must be expensive.

didnt you say yesterday you found $60 in a book?


thats how much a bag costs.

when did you get so expensive?

you call that expensive, that’s like a month’s worth. $60 is like a couple round of drinks at a bar.

and no hangover.

and you must want to smoke something since you are kicking the habit and all.

trading one addiction for another, nah, no thanks.

you really are a boring ass midwestern christian boy, arent you?

i guess so. never thought of that.

ok, well good luck with the sweet nice girl.

thanks devil water and narcotics!

we love you, by the way.

you do?

yes, very very very very much.

youre so sweet.

yeah. k, bye.