hey tony

down here. my name is jacques, the headless warrior of xi’an.

two thousand years ago i was an army guy for emperor qin, a man who i think you would have liked a great deal.

very loving and friendly and a bit wacky, he wanted to honor his men and instructed the most famous sculptors to cast our bodies in terracotta making sure that our faces and bodies were exactly as they were at the time the Christ was alive.

he took those lifesized sculptures and had his men arrange them all around his tomb as if we were to protect him for eternity.

i guess no retirement plan for us, huh? hehe. yeah, ok.

in 1974 there was a terrible drought in Xi’an, the city had once been the center of culture, politics and religion but all of that had since moved over to Peking.

anyhow, two farmers, digging for water stumbled across one of the warrior sculptures and after the archeologists finished counting, they unearthed over 6,000 completely unique army men most of whom were in primo condition.

most of the scientists assumed that my head was missing due to nature and the pressure of rock and dirt over two centuries, but it’s not so. i was decapitated for being a pussy ass sally getting all heartbroken over a sweet little lass from bejing named roxanne.

i wept and wept over her for years and finally i was approached by the commander of my squadron who asked me if i was sad. i said very much. he said do you wish to die? i said the pain is terrible. he said if i chop off your head will you be happier? i said, i don’t know how worse off i could be. so he unsheathed his sword and sliced off my head and i went back to protecting the emperor.

we have many paths that are available to us, prince of bloggyland, at each step we can enter the woods or stick to the straight and narrow. the woods can be dark and lush and mysterious and dangerous. they can also contain some of the ancient treasures and lost wonders that will only be discovered by the strong and adventurous.

the woods also contain fierce beasts, quicksand, malaria, hungry hungry hippos, and vermin of enormous size and courage.

however, sometimes dumb luck can bring about grand tidings like what that dumbass farmer found and now he signs autographs and poses for pictures with australian tourists while smoking a pipe.

choose wisely. the fates have smiled on you in many ways. although i know you have the courage to tame the jungles, its my advice to stick to the beaten path as luck is your middle name and no one can turn a dunghill into a three ring bonanza of earthly delights like you can.

now move along, i think i heard roxanne’s sweet laugh.

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