tony, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

i certainly do not!

very well, you may take a seat. state your age.


date of birth?


who did you vote for in the last presidential election?



like i would vote for bush?

what about gore?

he sleeps with the head of the pmrc!

the pmrc has very little power.

but they put stickers on cds.


thats censorship.

no it isnt.

well, i dont like it.

how are you liking this shit we’re wading in.

i dont like that either.

which do you like least, tony?

this shit we’re wading in.

no further questions.

my bad.

people say i have bad ideas.

it’s true, i do.

for charity, people should go door-to-door giving out kisses for a buck. how great would it be to hear a knock at your door, have a nice girl out there willing to kiss you if you gave her a buck for MS or some shit?

baseball, in order to give back to the community should have Win A Car Mondays. every monday you buy your ticket to the game, and during the 7th inning stretch a player reaches into the hopper and pulls out a ticket stub and announces the winner and someone drives home in a brand, new, car. if the average ticket price to a game is 8 bucks you’d only need to sell 3,000 more tickets on those Monday nights to cover the car. and if your team cant attract 3k fans who are solely interested in winning a new $24,000 car, you have serious issues. (also imagine how much beer, hot dogs, and crap an extra 3,000 fans will gobble.)

at least one presidential debate should be held on pay-per-view with the nominees hooked up to a lie detector. charge $20, give the proceeds to the 5 poorest public school systems in america. might just be the biggest pay-per-view event ever.

distribute free condoms in malls, gas stations, and at fast food drive thrus. people should be able to have sex without dying these days. free AIDS tests should be held in every hospital. hospitals can afford it. tell me they cant and i’ll show you a lying hospital.

the first sunday of each month should be Fuckit Let’s Be Cool day. after driving the freeways of LA for the last two weeks, i can tell you that this day is well over due. people should be required to give hugs, throw up the peace sign, and compliment others at least three times that day. maybe hand out little stickers that you can put on your clothes that say, “Someone Approved of Me,” “A Stranger Thinks I’m Nice,” or “Juan Thinks I’m Cute.” Either design the stickers at home, or buy them in mass quantities at the liquor store. Then the rest of the month people can go back to ignoring each other and being pricks.

big time marketing companies should co-op space on popular blogs so that creative young eccentric personalities can buy a cadillac and hit the road traveling around this great country meeting strange and unusual peoples and kissing their daughters in the name of art.

either that or some middle of the road hotel or motel chain should pay me to drive around the country to personally review each property that they own while i secretly blog about america in my quest to find Miss Bloggy 2003.

shes out there somewhere, and im stuck here in hollywood,



miss bloggy-less.

a long time reader of the blog

frustrated with the unstable comments situation today, wrote me an email to let me know that she wasnt just lurking on my page, and wanted to share her dreams with me.

i was touched.


sweetheart. i just got back from maui where all i did was lounge by the pool, tearing through “dot con” and thinking how awesome your friends are. thanks for loaning that book to me. gawd!

i don’t know my story. i am in a weird mood myself lately.

yes im sporting beautiful pink toe nail polish. skirts. open toed shoes.

i think its the planets.

and i really like my hair a lot better now that it is highlighted.

and it is good to be back.

and i missed you. and i missed l.a.

and i want to only do fun things now.

and i want to take kick boxing. and learn to play bass.

i want to go to tons of concerts and go out to fun restaurants.

i want to go ice skating and to the batting cages and to see the dodgers more.

i don’t want to be bored and uninspired. i don’t want to worry about money.

i don’t want a baseball strike.

i don’t want to miss my friends/family as much.

that is my story.

in a nutshell.

i also want cleaner boyfriends. they are so dirty that i don’t know what to do with them!

i want to go to the formosa soon.

i want to dance more.

i want to drink less.

i want to swim in the ocean and to try surfing.

i want to eat lobster all day one day.

nothing but.

i want to eat lunch right now.

i am going.

i have to start somewhere!!! 😉


p.s. i liked your interview with the model. is she for real or did you interview yourself? if its real it made me sad. no more sad things this summer. k?

hey sara

hey sara,

no i didn’t read the article about baseball.

baseball is fucking with me and im in denial about it all. part of me wants them to strike because the cubs are out of it, and certainly another strike will rid us of the wicked witch of the midwest bud selig, and maybe some of the other terrible owners, and if we’re lucky baseball will completely tank and go out of business for a few years only to be revitalized by new owners who actually care about the sport and its oh-so-forgiving and patient fans.

i do not see how strikes and threats of strikes are less-bad for the game than whether or not pete rose bet on baseball.

i do not see how gentlemen, most of whom came from less than fortunate circumstances, can take away entertainment from people who might not ever make $2.3 million in their lifetime, $2.3 mil being baseball’s average salary.

i do not see how the president of the united states can allow the national pastime to stick its head up its ass in front of children and women as if alls good.

i do not see how every pundit, commentator, announcer, spokesperson, reporter, and broadcaster in baseball cant be yelling at the top of their lungs, “this is so much bullshit, this is so much bullshit, this is so much bullshit.”

no, i don’t read about “labor” disputes concerning baseball. i also don’t read the obits, i also don’t read about the war in the middle east, i also don’t look at my bank account, or the police blotter, or the monthly health report of all the restaurants that were closed due to vermin. these things depress me and the only way that i can get up and walk to the subway station each morning is the belief that there is a reason to continue this grand parade. and i don’t find that inspiration in gloomy news of greed, evil, and ignorance.

what makes me happy is when people leave comments, paypal my ass, fill out simple questionnaires, and take lil hikes with their wonderful spouses to newspaper offices of yesteryear and take pictures and write about it.

i really do have the greatest friends.

chris came back from amsterdam on friday

she let me borrow her car for the two weeks that she was away.

i picked her up at the airport, spent the night at her place, then on saturday we went to my favorite movie theater (The Vista in Los Feliz) and saw “Signs”.

i don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to stay friends with their ex-girlfriends. it was so great to be able to hang out with her. she brought back many gifts from her travels for me. lots of chocolate. she has many stories that i wont reveal here about her trip, but needless to say, i would have loved to have traveled with her there.

so, “Signs” … as you know i don’t give away things in my movie reviews, so don’t worry if you haven’t seen it yet.

Howard Stern said that it was scary as hell. it wasn’t what i would call scary as hell.

everyone is calling M. Night a genius. geniuses have great endings, and not many loose ends. M. Night has so many loose ends from this movie its bizarre.

i have typos and loose ends and mistakes and junk on this blog all the time, but it’s a blog! i didn’t spend $45 million bucks to make it. for if i had i would have spent like $30k to pay someone to clean up those mistakes especially if many of them are central to the main conflict.

people need to tell guys like M. and guys like Speilberg and Woody Allen and all the others that people call geniuses and someone needs to cough *bullshit* in the meetings from time to time because there is a huge amount of bullshit in this movie that made for an unpleasant experience for Chris, who called bullshit in The Sixth Sense halfway through that film.

oddly, as critical as i can be, not only did i enjoy the Sixth Sense, but i also enjoyed Signs, despite its gaping holes of believability or common sense. why? i don’t know. M. Night hypnotizes me through his movies. the pace is so calm and light. he’s very funny in this movie. lots of tiny little happy laughs. we like this family, we really like the kids even though they’re more like adults than the adults are – which makes no sense.

do i recommend this movie? no. i would rent it, but i would really see it on an airplane. did i enjoy myself? yes.

but i might have just been really happy to be with my best friend, the girl i proposed to 15,000 times during the 1,500 days that we were together, whose hand still feels great in the airconditioned movie theatre on a hot summer afternoon.

much love to: rick, jody, george, and chuck for stoking the busblog

also, no need to be shy about my interview with the shy model. i stayed up late last night (3am) putting together that interview for you, yes you, the beloved reader of the blog. i should have been resting the wrists that are now tired and sore to begin the week.

what i’m saying is, its’ okay to comment on the conversation. it might inspire more non-blog type things. meets


xxsosaxx: go back to page six, hit refresh

flagrant: who’s that girl?

xxsosaxx: no idea

xxsosaxx: i steal pics from all over the web

flagrant: put somebody pretty there

xxsosaxx: ahahahaha

xxsosaxx: on page six?

flagrant: yes

xxsosaxx: hahahaha ok

flagrant: *blush*

xxsosaxx: any requests?

flagrant: an old pic of kate

xxsosaxx: wow, im so happy you liked the others of her then

xxsosaxx: i was afraid youd think it was cliche

flagrant: no, i love her

flagrant: i ate with her once

xxsosaxx: did you really eat?

flagrant: yeah

xxsosaxx: or poked at things

flagrant: it was, get this, mcdonald’s

flagrant: no lie

xxsosaxx: yay!

xxsosaxx: what did you have?

flagrant: i remember i had a vanilla shake and she had a mcrib sandwich

flagrant: and she ate it like a starved cat

read more of the interview here