hi Yao Ming

hi, tony pierce!

well, today is your first real game in the nba, how does it feel?

pretty trippy.

okay, so you’re 7’5″ hows the weather up there.

[ silence ]

did you hear my question?

no the soundwaves didnt reach me yet. see, i’m that tall.

now, i’ve got a picture of philly guard Aaron McKie trying to drive the lane on you. How tall is Aaron?

i dont know, i think maybe 6’5″.

thats what a guy looks like who’s only a foot shorter than you?

think about it, you’re 5’10”, tone, ever meet a guy who’s really 6’10”? they’re huge.

what do you mean “really”?

come on, everyone knows that the nba stretches the truth about their 7-footers. Howard Stern is 6’6″ and Magic Johnson is supposed to be 6’9″, but when Howard was a guest on Magic’s old talk show, Howard looked a little taller than Magic.

so youre saying Magic is really just 6’6″?

maybe shorter.

and you’re really 7’5″?

yup. we dont lie in China.

about height.

about anything. it’s dishonorable.

don’t make me bring up taiwan. or tibet. or sweatshops.

bring up anything you want. i dont care.

ok, that dude from Yan Can Cook. i hear his accent is fake.

it’s television, who cares, he cooks his ass off, most the time just using chopsticks.

well i have no gripes with the chinese. i once dated a girl from china. very sweet.

i once dated a girl from hollywood. very sour. get it? sweet and sour. now im the comedian.

who’s your favorite hollywood movie star?

jackie chan.

who’s your favorite metal band?


who’s your favorite comedian.

eddie murphy.


no, wait, jackie chan.

how old are you?


ever kiss an american girl?

not yet.

ever kiss a Black girl?

not yet.

want to?

if she’s nice, sure.

what do you think about Shaq?

i respect him but i will have to destroy him.

i hear you dont have any defensive skills.

i hear you’re not really 109.


okay i gotta go count my millions.

all right, thanks Yao for your time.

no prob, tony. i love your blog. i hope you interview me later.

are you kidding? the readers might see more of you here than they saw of anna kournikova.

wow. thanks, bro. by the way, the weather? it’s rainy.

[ spits on me ]

keep your hands up on defense.

will do! but hey, no comments? what gives?

oh, YACCS is having technical difficulties, so i took down the comments till they get their stuff together.

should we email you if we have love to give to you?

yes, please.

hope the Times hires you soon.

me too!

bye Yao Ming, rookie of the year candidate.

hahaha, adios tony pierce, big dork of the year winner.

intricate plot

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