but he sent me a postcard from heaven.

he said they have rivers made of chocolate milk with killer waves and marshmellow great white sharks.

and then he told me about the mermaids.

then i got another postcard and all he talked about was the mermaids.

he told me about one who really was a maid too.

wanna see a funny ass headline: click here.

somebody asked outloud in his blog why i do this.

hits? no. attention? hell no. feedback? no.

why then?

to impress the ladies.

the history channel kicked my ass talking about “drugs” and how they became illegal. i learned a lot.

thanks, history channel.

doesnt look like my date is going to happen tomorrow. there was a time when i might have been upset about such a thing. or mad.

i dont get mad any more.

just keep driving the lane. elbow out, head down.

the goal is: fun.

dont get mad at people trying to stop you.

the game would be nothing without them.

dont get mad at the haters but also dont hang on the rim above them like a jackass after youve dunked on them.

slam, point at your teammate, get back on d.

then wink at your favorite cheerleader.

delphinium + sarah + kool keith

they see the line and still they sneak in at the sides without a care in the world.

sometimes they smile with their dirty teeth.

my mom is a world traveler and she noticed that in other parts of the world cutting in line isnt such a big deal.

some of the people dont like to move to the right on the escalators. i saw a woman today, she was asked to step to the right as a man climbed the escalator, she moved over maybe one centimeter and gave him a dirty look and then went back to blocking the way.

almost all of the people are incredibly attracted to me. if theres no more seats and im standing in the front of the bus, everyone stands as close to me as possible in the front of the bus.

if i stand in the middle of the bus, theres a huge bottleneck in the middle.

if i stand in the rear of the bus, suddenly thats the most popular area.

they all like to rub their asses up against me as they pass by, and once theyve passed and see theres no empty seats in the back they stand right next to me. whole bus to spread out in, they like to stand up against me.

people like to sneeze at me. they like to cough on me. they like my ass. a lot.

if i was gay i would be the happiest man on the bus.

homeless man sitting on the bus had his homeless bag next to him. he kept nodding off. instead of nodding to the left or right, due to his bad posture he kept nodding forward smashing his head up against the headrest in front of him. i laughed. eventually he woke up smiling realizing his nightmare was simply mine.

old woman whose head wouldnt stop shaking like katherine hepburn didnt see there was a seat open near the back. then she saw it finally and a young man beat her to the seat. big fat man was standing blocking the back door. i gave the young man the evil eye and he tried to ignore me. so i said, get up.

he got up.

and the day had begun.

did the nba just make?

last night the worlds greatest basketball player wore a jersey that has to be the coolest thing that anyone has seen in a really long time.

not only does it shine the floodlights on the fact that the new Wizards jerseys look like something from the USFL reject bin, but it reminds you how great the old Bullets logo really was.

major league baseball was the first to bring back retro uniforms several years back for several reasons. they wont admit it, but the biggest reason was to expand the demographic (read: get more women into watching the sport at the spectacle of “cute” uniforms).

on certain sundays you could see the Cincinnati Reds in their baggy old school unis which was supposed to be a tip of the hat to the glorious past of the national pastime, but in all actuality it was a great marketing ploy to get marginal fans into the stands, and of course to sell throwback jerseys to kids, fanatics, and collectors.

and since all sports fashion trends begin with hip hop artists, all you have to do is tune in Yo MTV Raps – oh, that’s right they canceled it – or 50 Cent and Nelly videos to see that the ’70s jerseys are all the rage.

ive seen more ’70s go go Sox baseball caps than current ones (who exactly is on the white sox any more other than the big hurt?) so the scam is obviously worth it. meanwhile teams like the Yankees who havent changed their uniforms since ruth and gehrig do things like make green caps or sell the warm up and spring training versions.

whatever, the new jordan jersey is the shit and if my birthday was coming up any time soon id ask for it, but mark my words you’ll be seeing that on every up and coming hip hop artist and wanna-be this summer.

maybe they’ll make a lil one for my girlfriend, christina agueliera.

but one thing’s for certain, it wont look better on anyone other than on mj himself.

pick up your jordan retro washington bullets jersey at your local foot locker soon, right next to the kobe white laker jersey that they only wear on sundays and the jordan north carolina retro for the low low price of $189.

a model goes to the beach + gweilo diaries + no use for virtue

are reporting that the NBC two-hour showing last night of Cher’s concert in Vegas brought in the biggest ratings of the season for a music special.

It was a good show. She opened with “The Streets Have No Name”, she looked good, she was funny. She was Cher and she put on a decent Cher show.

But the best ratings for a music special? 16.3 million people?

I like Cher, but no way would I have expected her to beat Faith Hill’s ass or the ultra-hyped Celine Dion. Hill and Dion only managed to scrounge up 12 and 10 million viewers respectively in their concert specials this year.

I love concerts on tv. It is beyond me why MTV doesn’t make more Unplugged or even Plugged events.

This year’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame awards on VH-1 had enough material for several big-time concerts on par with friggin Faith Hill, and I bet if you asked the average american to tell you four songs by the Police and/or AC/DC they would have an easier time reeling them off for you than they would Faith or Celine.

And Sting is definitely easier on the eyes than Ms. Dion, despite his advancing age.

Which brings us back to Cher.

I thought she looked terrific and im not even gay, but the video effects i thought were tedious and unnecessary. Sure she cant dance as much as she could in the 70s but theres no reason to have cuts and split screens and shots of video every other second. It made me tired. I had to pause my Tivo.

Fortunately America didnt mind, and I say fortunately because Cher isnt getting the fondest farewell at the hands of the likes of other critics, many of whom wouldn’t look good in a blonde wig or Bob Mackie dress no matter how out of the closet they got.

Cher was inspirational last night. Her songs sounded new, her dancers were awesome, and she continues to re-invent herself as if that could even be possible at this point.

Sting has a lot to learn from Cher, as does Mick Jones, and Elvis Costello could learn a few tricks from her as well. Very few performers have aged as gracefully and kept up with the current trends as well as Cher and maybe thats one reason that her show was a hit last night.

I just want to know where the hell Rupaul’s review is.

hi sexy tony who rocks so hard damn near every day.

sexy? flattery will get you everywhere.

is it true that you have a date on friday?

yes.

but i thought nothing in this thing is true.

details, details.

so do you, or dont you?

i do.

anyone i know?

i dont even know her, its sorta a blind date.

what are you going to do?

i think we’re going to get drunk and watch porn.

you know my mom reads this blog and she doesnt really like the parts where youre dirty and outrageous.

my mom reads this blog too and she would agree with your mom.

so what are you going to do about it?

not much i can do since more people who arent moms read this than people who are moms.

so *nothing* in here is true?

thats right. in all honesty i have a lot more dates than i let on.

a lot?

ok, maybe not a lot, but more than i reveal. not everybody wants their rendevous’ blogged.

do you know anything about grammar?

i dont know much about anything.

you’re a very intersting man, tony pierce.

a hot chick called me up last night and told me a very sexy lesbian story.

is this part true?

definately.

did you watch the cher special last night?

no, i was watching the lakers and dallas.

during this one part cher instructed everyone to just “do it.” she said for people not to worry about things. that sure you’ll have your regrets, but the worst regret is not going for things.

i love cher.

people went crazy when she said all that. and she had the best smile on her face.

lakers are going all the way

i hate you.

their only problem is gonna be the spurs.

f the spurs, they’re old.

couldnta said it better myself, blog.

jaime is ok + reverse cowgirl + reger chris

actually i took a beautiful girl up on her offer of coming over to my house, flipping on the fireplace, and allwing her to model her collection of catholic girl skirts.

believe it or not but i actually passed on this not to long ago in a slight lapse of sanity, but thankfully sometimes you get a second chance to make a first impression and after a few keystrokes via AOL instant messenger, the date is on.

i havent been on a date date in a while, and this is not only that but its a blind date.

shes blind.

just kidding. although she must be if she wants to go out with me in the state that im in right now. hair-wise, that is. its not a pretty sight. but its cool. i have a wide variety of hats and fright wigs.

one of the xbi security guards asked me if i would take off my laker cap today so he could see how im doing up there, and then he confided in me that he didnt recognize me when i first appeared bald at the office a few months back.

undercover, i told him.

bullshit, my buddy said behind me and slapped me in the back of the head.

anyway, to all the people who i disappointed by not showing more scantilly clad women, which i promised to protest the war, i hope this shot of pam anderson lee rock makes up for it a little bit.

i will make sure to keep focused.

gratzi.

by the way tomorrow we will start focusing in on the entertainment business a little more, so make sure to get your free two month memberships to Variety.com, as i will be referencing them. they have an incredible site full of a ridiculous amount of resources and good writing.

if i hadnt been busy doing laps in the company pool today on the roof of the transunion building i would have talked about this weeks box office grosses, but the spirit got in me and i just happened to have a pair of swim trunks in my book bag.

loving Crime and Punishment, thanks alabama.

how to live

Elephant

V2

“Seven Nation Army”

I’m gonna fight ’em off

A seven nation army couldn’t hold me back

They’re gonna rip it off

Taking their time right behind my back

And I’m talking to myself at night

Because I can’t forget

Back and forth through my mind

Behind a cigarette

And the message coming from my eyes

Says leave it alone

Don’t want to hear about it

Every single one’s got a story to tell

Everyone knows about it

From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell

And if I catch it coming back my way

I’m gonna serve it to you

And that ain’t what you want to hear,

But that’s what I’ll do

And the feeling coming from my bones

Says find a home

I’m going to Wichita

Far from this opera for evermore

I’m gonna work the straw

Make the sweat drip out of every pore

And I’m bleeding, and I’m bleeding, and I’m bleeding

Right before the lord

All the words are gonna bleed from me

And I will think no more

And the stains coming from my blood

Tell me go back home

kate sullivan + state sarah + that broken girl

more glorious? more sunshiny, warmy, springtimey, luscious, delicious, mouth wateringly wonderful?

it’s the cubs home opener, too.

why aren’t you here?

if you were here id ask for the boss to let me off early, like at noon, and he’d say, tony, because you’re the fucking man, sure. and then put a $20 into my front shirt pocket and shake my hand.

if you were here we’d take the 720 to santa monica beach and squirt water into the clowns mouth at the pier.

and then let the clown chase us cuz i do that shit to him every day off.

if you were here we’d rent mountain bikes and coast down venice boardwalk taking a swig out of our flasks every time we passed someone we’d do. then we’d eat buck hot dogs and watch the elderly play paddle tennis.

if you were here we’d then go to muscle beach and watch the gay guys flex for the tourists, and the brothas slam for the sistas. we’d try on sunglasses and buy tube socks from the chinese. we’d buy bootleg dvds of chicago for ten bucks, but we’d talk them down to seven pretending we weren’t american.

if you were here we’d eat fish tacos from a roach coach where the mexicans crouch in the shadows of an old brick building the way that they do. i’d put on too much hot sauce for you and you’d scrunch your face after you tasted it, but id say it puts hair on my chest and id lift my acdc shirt and you’d lift your tsar baby doll tee and the mexicans would fall over spooking the seagulls who flap away to the safety of a busstop.

if you were here we’d get two forties of mickeys, take off our shoes, and walk in the sand to the nude beach and pass out after the rasta dude passes us and we laugh and laugh off the contact high and then bake in the california sun.

if you were here we’d wake up burnt and drink the rest of our warm beer cuz you call it alcohol abuse if you waste any.

if you were here you’d get a henna tattoo that said tony in such crazy cursive you have to stare at it for like ten minutes

which is always your secret plan.

and then we’d start a band.

dirty fez + roxy cat + splink + dullest blog ever

so i walked to the undercover xbi post office. it’s disguised as a massage parlor. you need an appointment.

hadnt been there in a while and lo, two nice gifts. one was a nice postcard from a girl who signed her name and lipstick kissed it.

the other was a package with a local free weekly, one polaroid, a printed picture, an xray of several teeth, and a copy of a birth certificate. and a very sweet letter with penmanship that obviously took a lot of time to master.

im not worried about anthrax any more. homeland security has our backs.

talked on the phone with several people. chatted with several more. for some reason im opening up more. how long will this last? hours, if we’re lucky.

im watching american in paris. not for the singing or dancing. for oscar levant.

i was reading his book not too long ago, memoirs of an amnesiac. loved it. that guy was so funny. terribly smart. brilliant pianist. gershwin’s drinking buddy. always had hot chicks even though he was never confused for handsome.

do you know im getting carpal again?

do you know i dont give a fuck.

talked to a guy about bukowski today who said that he didnt like him because he sounded too much like hemingway.

never heard that objection before, but how do you argue around it?

i was reading crime and punishment on the bus today. made it to page five and realized that everything they taught me at santa barbara was right. the russians knew it all. they have all the secrets. they were on to something.

remember when the bicyclist from breaking away started talking italian to his momma and poppa. i suck at languages, so i will settle for wanting to write like the russians.

theyre going to be tougher to steal from than hem and buk and royko and ee and jd and sukenick.

its not as easy to see their brush strokes, to see their source code, to steal their signs, to esp their most innermost thoughts.

ive seen the prettiest girl at the xbi now four days in a row and every time all i can do is smile like a retard.

you have no idea how terrible my hair is growing in, or not growing in, depending on where youre looking.

went to dennys and they gave me the senior citizens menu.

cubs got snowed out of their home opener today at wrigley.

just another sign that hell is freezing over and the cubs are going all the way.

sorority girl in handcuffs + watch alecia turn legal + ham fisted theatrics