i need to get a f.a.q.

heres excerpts from los angeles model/fashion designer tila’s faq:

Question: What is the strangest thing you have ever been offered by a fan?

Tila: Well there was this guy that kept e-mailing me and asking me to sell him my used tampon. I mean, I’ve recieved a lot of strange offers from people but that was totally out of this world! I mean…that’s just disgusting! What does some strange guy want to do with my blood? Even worse…my period blood in the tampon!!! COME ON PEOPLE!

Question: Wow that’s fucken sick! What did you tell him?

Tila: Umm…I told him to give me a million dollars! haha! I’m just kidding….of course I told him to fuck off! The all time classic Tila-line….haha!

Question: How come you’re so short but you have the personality of a 50 ft giant??

Tila: hahaha! Well that’s because I have what you would call “compressed anger.” haha! It’s like…all my feelings and my personality alone has been compressed into this little person so I guess that’s why I’m a little firecracker….I’m ready to explode anytime!

Question: So are you EVER calm?

Tila: FUCK YEA! Most people just don’t get to see it much…but actually I am a really sweet girl…but that’s what makes it special because only special people get to see a sweet and soft side of me…well actually sometimes I accidently let that side slip out and well….umm….what was I saying? (sorry I was watching porn.)

Question: So just wanted to know if you were still practicing abstinence? From the last time I read up about you, you said you were no longer having sex. How’s it holdin up for ya?

Tila: HA-HA! NOOOOOO WAYYYY! haha! Oh man…I tried not having sex for about…hmm…how long was it? Oh I forgot but it felt like years! I tried for a little while and it was great while it lasted but I couldn’t stand it any longer! With my stressful lifestyle I cannot afford to quit my luxuries such as sex and smoking, however I want to let you guys know that I have quit smoking and it’s been a while. I don’t ever wanna go back but I still have major urges to smoke. I feel a lot healthier though and I smell good now! I also don’t hack up green slime every morning anymore…haha!

Question: So how’s everything going with you?

Tila: How do you think it’s going you dipshit?!

Question: Tila, my gf is really into you and we would like to have a threesome with you. Please let me know if you are interested because I would love to have you join us!

Tila: Hey dude…fuck off!

Question: Can you cook? If so what do you cook?

Tila: I didn’t used to know how to cook but lately…oh man…I’ve been cooking up a storm! I’m so happy! I think I’m turning gay because all I wanna do now is stay home and cook! I even started baking cookies! hahahaha! oh man…Tila the party girl staying home to cook, clean, and bake cookies??? Oh man…WTF is happening to me????? AHHHHHH! I’m turning into a house-wife! haha! Oh wait..I can’t be because I am not married…so therefore I am just a fat pig who eats all day long. That’s my main motivation behind cooking and how I got started. Since being on my own….I get so damn hungry all the time that I couldn’t take it anymore…so I went out and started cooking up meals so I can eat 8 times a day! Wooohoooo! Food is like….better than sex.

Question: How come you never sleep?

Tila: Beats the fuck out of me! I gave up on asking myself that and trying to figure out why I can’t sleep. Now all I do is stay up as long as I want and sleep whenever…I figure, hey, I don’t have a life like most people do, therefore my sleeping habits will not be the same either. I live in my own world and so fuck following the rest of the world! My body will sleep when it chooses to do so. Besides…the daytime sucks anyway because everybody in the daytime can go suck a mean cock! Day people SUCK! Nightcrawlers…RULE!

Question: Why do you have such a foul mouth for such a pretty girl?

Tila: Hey..fuck you! Who said I was pretty?? haha!

Question: Do seem to be a loner…how is that working out for you?

Tila: I’ve always been a loner, and I think in the end it works out great for me. I’m alone 90 percent of the time and that gives me a lot more time to umm….damn…what the fuck do I do all that time with myself???

Hmmm…..Ya know what? I have no idea…haha! But I do enjoy being alone. Surrounding yourself with too many people all the time can slow you down and everybody just gets in the way. My mind is a lot clearer when I’m alone and I’m more self-aware. But when I get bored the other 10 percent of the time I usually call up one person, and that one person is usually a guy that I shag. haha! That’s my idea of fun! Work, work…then shag.

Question: Do you like socks?

Tila: Yes because they make great hand puppets and are also great to wipe the cum off of your belly! hahahaa!

Question: We all want to know the dirty scoop! Who is your least favorite model?

Tila: Do you really wanna know?

Yes!

Tila: Ok…Natasha Yi. She’s not a very nice girl at all. Scumb-bag sounds more like it. I’m not talking trash either. Just telling the truth. Besides…why would I need to talk trash or lie?? Yea..that’s what I thought. Just telling you from my experiences. Hey at least I’m honest and I actually have the balls to post this up and not be fake like a lot of people. If I don’t like someone I will let it be known. I’m not the type of person to be nice to your face and talk trash behind your back…nuh-uh…not my style at all……

xtx + dougie gyro + kool keith

that im the biggest nerd, cuz i am.

i also have the greatest friends. and one of them works for the cable network E!

she gave me a celebrities uncensored tshirt a few years ago and lets me know every year that brooke burke is signing her calendar.

this year was no different, except i got to meet the producer of one of my favorite tv shows of all time, the howard stern show.

after a quickie busride i got to meet mr stuart berkowitz who edits all of the stern shows that you see on e!

i wanted to take him out for drinks but he had plans. oh well, it was nice to at least take a picture with him and then stand in line and get the new brooke burke calendar and take my annual picture with her.

its funny cuz i never know what to ask people to sign, and now with ebay its weird just to ask them to autograph it, but thats really all i want. i dont need them to write anything special.

i guess if i was really keeping it real i would have had her write something like

to the biggest nerd i know

or

i have two kids and i look better than you ever will

or

please stop stalking me, seriously, youre scary

instead she just wrote

to tony,

brooke.

shes so cool.

know who else is cool? raymi.

and finally shes being exploited properly.

i went to her page today and saw she was linked to a new thing. i think its canadian. shes giving out free advice.

god i love socialism.

bill gates got us giant anti-spyware for christmas + zulieka didnt blow me + write hard has vida

happy birthday nomatt!

tonight 12/17

peter case + dave alvin, dipiazza’s restaurant

black eyed peas, key club

slayer + mastadon + killswitch engage, universal

jimmy smith, hallenbeck’s general store

taylor dayne, vault 360

tomorrow 12/18

stevie wonder + alicia keys + ziggy marley + angie stone, forum

marilyn manson, wiltern

chaka kahn, orpheum

brian setzer, universal

betty buckley, cinegrill

sunday 12/19

marilyn manson, wiltern

lit, el rey

monday 12/20

marilyn manson, wiltern

turbonegro + eagles of death metal, house of blues

tuesday 12/21

trick daddy, vault 360

the muffs + ronnie spector, house of blues

grandmaster flash + biz markie, conga room

stan ridgeway, largo

the like, the viper

el vez, knitting factory

wednesday 12/22

ozomalti + kinky, disney hall

thursday 12/23

keb mo, disney hall

matt costa, the echo

big flounder + maizzy + the holywriter

so i floated downstairs and saw that kurt was onstage singing tsar tunes for the crowd. everyone was loving it.

when he was done he sat next to me at my little table. i was sipping cuban rum. there was a nice tall glass of coke with a cherry in it that i was playing with.

boy thats fun. kurt said.

dont you get to play much in heaven?

so many good players up there, sometimes i just like to listen.

then we started talking about led zeppelin. kurt plays with bonham and hendrix all the time in elvis’s punk rock band, if you can believe it.

the king loves punk. loves it. says it’ “liberating”.

i dont know what to say to something like that so i asked him, if you could only have one cd, would it be zeppelin one or zeppelin two?

well i like the long, drawn out zep the best. and even though i wouldn’t like to turn my back on “whole lotta love,” i’d have to pick zep one. youve got “dazed and confused” with that creeping, gnarly, ominious bass line. you got “babe, im gonna leave you” where robert plant really gets off. and then you’ve got my favorite zep tune of all “your time is gonna come.” it’s like an anthem hiding in a whisper.

and with that we clicked glasses and each took an end from the giant hookah and inhaled

held it

held it

fuckyoukurtcobainyouwillbeatmyassateverythingbutnotthis

gnck

aaaaaaaaaaah and then exhaled.

coughed out a bunch of smoke and then laughed and laughed and cleared out the lungs with some guinness.

followed by a jello shot.

followed by a rum shot.

washed down with a nice pull from the cherry coke.

i really do love your blog. you do things that no one else does.

ah, kurt youre way too kind.

do any of the letters you get… are any of them real?

actually, yes, some are real. lots are real, actually. just the other day i got an email from a very sweet girl who gave me her picture once and then never again. i dont know why. i told her to send more so she should have understood that that meant that i wanted to see more of her. we even set up a night to meet at the Rustic, but she never showed. anyhow the day before i was killed she sent me this great story. a Christmas miracle, really. if they had the internet here i would show it to you.

kurt pointed to the table and there appeared inside the table, sunken like inside in another dimension a laptop computer, i put my hands inside the table and brought it out.

i stopped the waitress with the jello shots and took two more, handed one to kurt and logged into my hotmail.

ah yes, here it is, my man.

dear tony,

boy have i got a story for you,

you’ll never believe this one…

sunday night, my roommate and i had all of our girlfriends over for a holiday party/gift exchange. my girlfriend roxie was smoking on the balcony, and started shouting for me to come and look at something… so i go out on the balcony, and she says, “isn’t that your truck?”… (by the way, my truck was stolen 3 weeks ago). so anyway, i’m looking at it, but this truck had one of those tool shed thingys on the back of it. but i decided to run downstairs anyway. when i got downstairs, the truck seemed to have stalled or something… so i calmly walked over to the truck, snuck a peek at the license plate, and almost fainted… it was my truck! a weird rush of insanity came over me… and i walked right up to the driver side window. the guy rolled down the window, and i calmly said… “i just want to let you know i already called the cops… this is my truck, it was stolen 3 weeks ago.” there were 2! guys, and a girl… they all looked at each other, then at me… like i was crazy, and they had no idea what i was talking about. so, i then said, ” look, i don’t have time for this shit, it was stolen from merle’s auto shop 3 weeks ago. get the fuck out of my truck.” simultainesly, the 3 perps jump out of my truck and start running down the street. i couldn’t believe it. the next thing you know, i’m sitting in my recovered truck, not knowing how to turn it off, cause it was hotwired. by this time, there are about 10 drunk girls on the corner yelling and screaming… cause i got my truck back, and no one could believe how freaking weird it was. all of the sudden, my friend katy yells, “oh shit, thats them in that white truck over there!” so, seeing as we were all drunk at this point, (about 11:00pm), we all had a serious dose of liquid courage… Then i hear my roommate yell, “get the license plate number!”. We all l! ooked at eachother, and the next thing you know… there go 10 girls, in heels, chasing a car down the street. needless to say, the perps weren’t very happy about that, so they started throwing stuff at us. my friend brandy got hit with a bottle. anyway, we successfully got the plate #. and i got my truck back, along with a tool shed thingy full of tools, a drill press, with the bit, two spare tires, and a new sound system that they had installed in my truck. oh, it gets better… the idiot left his day planner in the truck… so when the cops arrived, they opened it…and what was on the first page? IF LOST PLEASE RETURN TO… thats right, total fucking idiot. so, right now, my truck is at the police impound yard, being dusted for finger prints. Can you believe that shit? to tell you the truth, i’m stoked i got my truck back and all, but… that shit freaked me out. how is my stolen truck gonna stall out, righ! t in front of my own house? bizarre.

kurt asked, was that from ashley?

i said, nah, ashley drives a cute little car, not a truck.

ashley is hot.

all the girls in cali are hot, buddy.

and we clinked our glasses again and before we could slam our glasses down a man in an apron held out the big triangle and struck it with a drumstick and said, “soup’s on mothafuckas!”

and everyone kicked over their chairs and ran to the buffet room.

moxie + zulieka + rabbit

visted me early last summer and it was a lovely meeting.

she remains one of my favorite bloggers and her post yesterday about her experience on mtvs room raiders is classic

heres an excerpt:

mtv: what’s your name, age, and occupation?

me: I’m Bunny Mcintosh, I’m 23, and I’m a doctor.

mtv: say “hi, I’m bunny, I’m 23 and I’m a student at UGA.”

me: oh… ok. Hi, I’m Bunny Mcintosh and I’m a student at UGA. And um, also I’m 23.

mtv: what do you like to do in your free time?

me: I like to water ski with Tony Braxton, and I like to go on killing sprees.

mtv: um…. say “In my free time I like to go shopping or whatever.”

me: no.

Then, back up in my room, they found my acoustic guitar. They decided I should take that to campus and play acoustic guitar. On campus. No shit.

me: I’m not doing that.

mtv: it will be cute.

me: only if I can also walk along the beach with an older woman who I talk to about feminine hygiene with.

mtv: what?

me: can I at least bring my electric?

it only gets better.

i heart bunny mac.

i also heart anti

some people say he rips off raymi and me. but thats so not true, and if it were, personally, i would be flattered. but i think hes actually just being himself. and stoned minds think alike.

heres an open letter that he gave to the women of the world the other day.

“dear ladies,

“i’d love to feel sorry for you and your vagina’s and how you bleed every month, and the hormones, ect. BUT I DONT.

“i dont feel sorry for you guys, because being a boy has it’s fucking ups and downs too, you know?

“i mean i’d like you to tell me, ladies, have you ever had to peel a sweaty ball sack off your leg? it’s the anatomical equivelant to a fat person, stuck to a leather sofa, on a hot summers day.”

did i mention that he also included a topless pic of himself on this post?

yep.

i heart anti too.

but what i really heart the most, is when people say that they are inspired by me.

one particular person said they saw me on tv and decided to make a blog. how cool is that?

I’ve known about weblogs for a long while. In the past, I’ve recommended blogs to folks that weren’t tech-savy who were looking to put a few of their thoughts/words and maybe a photo or two on the internet. But, I never used a blog until today.

Earlier in the week, I saw an episode on the the screensavers about Tony Pierce’s busblog and his new self-published book, How to Blog, in which he offers tips on blogging, plus examples of them. This convinced me to create my first blog. So here it is.

fmateria’s blog, welcome to the blogosphere. take off your shirt and stay a while.

jarret house + zen for lunch + power in numbers + the state im in

when the ship comes in and the sky turns blue.

when the waves get big and the fear gets small, when fingers fit perfect in lifes bowling ball.

anna kournikova actually did come over the other day. she sat me down and we talked about her marriage to the boybander.

she told me that she really loved him and he could give her the things that i couldnt and i said yes, i have no mole to give pah-rump-a-pump-pump.

she said that no one was as funny as me. i was all, what good is it if i lose out to a pop singer who owes everything to his pop.

she said, you didnt lose, you will still be in my heart.

i said, i dont want to be in your heart and i took my finger and i lifted her skirt just a tad. maybe a millimeter. she didnt move. she just whispered, nyet.

and we sat there and held hands as the o’reilly factor blabbered on in the background and she cried a little and i cried a little cuz we both knew it was over and it would never happen for us again.

i said can we get it on one last time for old times sake?

she said, tony.

i said, blink once if you secretly want to.

she said, its no secret that i want to but i want to be a good fiance.

i said whens the big day?

she said, tomorrow.

i said ah shit.

she said, i know.

i said, ah fuck.

she said, yeah… yeah.

and then i really cried, and i never cry, but if you were there, trust me, you woulda cried too cuz in real life anna is even hotter than she should be.

especially when shes smitten.

and that fuckr smittened my little russian doll.

and we hugged good night and

out walked anna kournikova into the dirty streets of hollywood

and into her awaiting limo.

crazy in la + steph in southbeach + jason defillippo on call for help

that i did not include in How To Blog.

either they were too dumb or poorly written or in this case, too gross.

i think you will agree.

just to catch you up, in this episode i was dead, i was with kurt and i didnt know if i was in heaven, hell, or what…

two years ago today, December 15, 2002

caught the bus and drove out to death valley. the ride wasnt bad, it was just me and kurt and a few gangstas from the hood.

when the bus stopped kurt led me out.

before we can go any further you have to sit on the Regret Throne.

all i saw were a row of Port-A-Potties.

go in there, put down some paper on the seat, pull down your pants, and think about all of your regrets.

i did as instructed.

“i cant think of any.” i yelled.

i thought you said you were bummed that you never went to Prague?

“oh yeah.”

plop plop plo-plo-plo- SPLASH

“i think im done.” i told him.

did you ever have sex with anyone you wish you hadnt?

hmmmm. no. no, i dont think so.

think hard. if theres any regret in you, you wont be able to fly in heaven. it’s what seperates us from the birds.

plop plop plop.

what about some of the jobs you had?

i sorta liked my jobs, kurt.

wish you had said some things, or not said some things, or quit earlier at some of them?

plop plop plop plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-thrrrrrrrrrrrrbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb plllllllllrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb SPLASH

ok that was sick, tony

hey man, im just doing as the inventor of grunge is instructing me.

any girls you wish you had asked out?

the toilet exploded.

it was like a missle.

there were flames.

kurt hosed me off and handed me a towel. i tipped him a dollar and he opened the door of another port-a-john.

any records you bought you wish you handt? movies you saw? extended warrantees you bought?

another violent explosion.

my ass was starting to hurt.

kurt took the hose to me again and handed me another towel.

i gave him a $5, he gave me three ones in change.

i went into another port-a-potty and sat down.

sorry you didnt buy Amazon at 7 and sell at 100?

huge explosion. my ears began to ring.

kurt hosed me off, handed me a towel, i gave him the three ones. he gave me a squirt of cologne.

went into the last port-a-potty that remained.

sorry you didnt say good bye to anyone?

nah, not really.

wish you had asked for more money on your blog?

plop.

wish you had spell checked or proof read it before you posted?

pleep.

wish you had kissed more people’s asses so that they would link you?

plip.

wish you had gone to journalism school?

plop plop plop.

wish you had learned to play guitar?

SPLASH.

wish you had gotten married in your twenties?

no.

look down at your feet.

“what am i looking for?”

are they on the ground?

and what do you know, i was floating about an inch off the floor.

crazy.

i wiped, flushed, got out, and felt incredible.

me and kurt hung out at the bus stop waiting for the next bus.

“what was one of your regrets when you were here?”

i wish i had been a corporate spokesperson for someone.

“really?”

yeah, really. i was just shy.

jack bog is giving to charity, join him + so is jeff jarvis + tiffany is just hot

isnt your reaction to it all, its everyone elses.

my reaction to it all was pretty simple. it was all

uh.

everyone elses reaction was more like

!!!

or

shit pierce you didnt fuck up, congrats

or

omg tony you didnt say fuck.

or

dude, we had everyone in the office gathered around the tv and we laughed at every joke.

and all of that is super nice. very cool. and the comments and emails and telephone calls that i got were all very generous and flattering.

but then there are the fools who just cant stand to see a guy have his six minutes of fame.

and i dont understand those people.

its exactly like a barrell of monkeys where one monkey is climbing out of the barrell and one really slow monkey has to try to bring him back down.

never once thinking that if the one guy makes it out that the others will see how its done and follow.

and ive never understood how anyone could be jealous of a guy who rides a bus

types on the internet

and gets paid shit.

but it happens america, and if it ever happens to you you can say, shit, tony told me that this might happen. and maybe you wont take it personally. and you shouldnt. cuz it has nothing to do with you.

nothing.

and last night a girl looking a lot like anna kournikova came over to my house. this time i got to pick her up because miss montreal loaned me her car.

and she and i watched my six minutes of fame on my big tv.

it was the first time that i had watched it all the way through because even though i start all these posts with i or me its only because im a lazy writer. im not narcisistic. and i felt like i looked different than i thought i looked. i felt that i spoke better than i thought i was gonna speak. i and thought that i really missed my afro.

but the young lady held on to my arm and clapped at the end and said i cant believe that im at tony pierces house.

and eleven minutes later we were asleep.

and two minutes after that the phone rang and it was my mother who called to tell me that my sister had delivered upon the world an infant son earlier that day.

and my mom told me a little story about how my little two year old neice had been learning about birthdays.

she said, september is granmas birthday october is uncle tonys birthday november is mommys birthday january is david’s birthday (she calls her father by his first name – very bart simpson-y) and the new baby’s birthday and february is my birthday.

and my mom said that she was trying to introduce to her the fact that december is the baby Jesus’s birthday.

and my sweet little neice said, no no, no more birthdays before mine, and ran off.

and thats what its about.

raymi gets naked for once + moxie keeps it short + mindy + j.mo

the Screen Savers interviewed me for the G4TV website.

below is an excerpt of that interview. the whole thing can be read here.

Do you ever feel the temptation to keep asking for stuff?

Absolutely. But I think about PBS – I love PBS, but it sucks when you’re in the middle of a pledge drive. You’re watching something cool and then they sit there for 20 minutes and bore you. My number one goal that I have when I communicate or write or anything is not to bore the other person. So you can do a little quickie — “By the way, we’re trying to sell a book right now.” — in and out, and then go on back to regular programming as fast as you can.

How else do you interact with your readers?

I think I have a pretty unique relationship with them. I think for the amount of hits that I have, I get a lot of comments. I get some emails, and even some young ladies who will send me pictures of themselves – and I’ve dated some of them. Every boy’s fantasy has come true through this blog, so I’m very, very happy about that.

So girls just read your postings and then want to know you more, ah, personally?

Yup, it’s usually along those lines, or even “Oh my God, I love you! You’re awesome!” I mean, it’s all this stuff that you’d expect if you played guitar, not if you sit at a computer. Of course, you write back, and if you’re lucky they might even have a blog themselves or some pictures. A lot of times, if a girl writes me and she has a website and I like what she’s doing, then we can at least be friends. We can always be friends no matter who you are, but that’s how one thing leads to another. Hopefully, they’ll have a website and you can kind of see where they’re at. I’ve gotten in situations where we’ve seen each other on cams because they could still be lying about their website: “My sister is the ugly one, I’m really the one on this website.”

I look at the Web with a bunch of cynicism, too – “Are you really this person? Are you a big, tall man?” What’s great about technology today is that you can verify who they are pretty fast. And they come over to the house and they’re naked, just like that. We laugh, but it’s true. A lot of people’s first dates are getting to know the other person. I’ve written three years of my story, and the last thing I want to do is go over those three years in an hour, or a month, or a whole bunch of dates. It’s so great to cut right to the chase, and if she also has a blog or a website or a collection of stories and poems, our first dates are usually awesome. “Wow, you really are who you say you are.” “Yes, you really are, too.” It makes for a great date.

Have you found any lasting relationships this way?

I suppose I‘ve had situations where I’m a fan of their site and they’re a fan of mine, but no real romantic ties from the blog per se. When I was doing my website, I did get a girlfriend for about a year off that, so I’ll give the credit to Dreamweaver and not Blogger on that one.

Do you think people get an accurate image of other people this way?

No. I think you can’t help but edit out all the bad parts of you. You try to throw in a little bit of that realism, and people get all pissed off: “How dare you be so mean to the President?!” “Well, I don’t really like him.” So, you try your best to keep it real, but in actuality you’re editing and they only see the best side of you, and I’m sure the reverse is true. But it’s a great start: You get to know what people like and what they don’t like, and you can figure that they’re not as perfect as they appear. But sometimes they’re more naked, so that’s nice.

What’s in your book, How to Blog?

It’s got some of the best posts I’ve written over the last two years – the funniest, more creative, craziest, obnoxious, rudest, vilest, stupidest, and hopefully most humorous stories. It includes some of the most popular posts, including the one that I wrote about how to blog.

How did you self-publish your book?

I saw that Cafepress.com was doing perfect-bound books, and because I had actually made a small commission from selling my T-shirts, I knew they were legit, and I knew they weren’t going to hold onto my money until I made $1,000 or something ridiculous. I was like, “What the heck!” It doesn’t cost anything – they don’t charge you any set-up fee. What you do, basically, is: You have a Word document, you turn it into a PDF, you make a cover, a spine, and a back through Photoshop, and you upload all four of those things and you’ve got a book. They price it by page, which is reasonable, and you advertise it. If you never want to buy a book, it doesn’t cost you a dime. If you want to buy a book, they charge you cost; if you want to buy 15 books or more, they give you a break on the cost. So it’s a very affordable way for people to make a limited run of their books, or to just have their book on their shelf. In this case, it’s a great way for me to not have to beg publishers to understand what I’m trying to do, and again avoid the middle man and go directly to the people who read it every day.

One other thing I’d like to say about Cafepress.com is it’s really flexible. If you see a glaring mistake in the middle of your text, you can go ahead and change the Word file, re-PDF it, and send it right back up there and voila – you’ve got a better version. In the old days, you had to order a 100, 500, or 1,000 books and you were stuck. If you wanted to go back on what you had to say, you were kind of screwed and you had to eat all those books. Because they publish on the fly like that, it’s phenomenal.

today is the last day to get How To Blog shipped via ground to arrive by Christmas

nice job finding saddam. to be honest i never thought you could do it.

not like it was you who couldnt find him.

and i know it wasnt actually you who opened up the fake door tagged him and said “youre it!”

but you know what i mean.

good job.

i feel safer now.

so thanks.

and im really stoked that it wont take an hour and a half to get on an airplane anymore.

and that they wont make people get out of line and take off their shoes anymore.

and the stock market will go back up, and stay up.

and man, now that you have him all locked up and captured, im sure he will be telling you right away where all those weapons of mass destructions are.

and we will never have to worry about the good people of iraq ever blowing up the world trade center, or the pentagon again.

speaking of which, when are we going into saudi arabia?

i love that one line of yours, if youre not with us, youre against us.

almost as good as your dads read my lips.

theyre not with us

are they with us?

theyre not with us.

if they were with us, theyd just let us walk in and look around for osama.

and if theyre against us now, the same way they were against us before, then arent they even more dangerous than saddam was?

they’re not with us.

not only would one think that theyre probably harboring terrorists, but they breed them: 15 of the 19 9/11 terrorists were saudi and not iraqi, and osama was saudi and not iraqi like saddam.

so hey, when are we going in?

and by we i dont me you.

and i sure as shit dont mean me.

or is it that now that you have your re-election pretty much wrapped up, and you wont have to steal this one, youre not interested any more in countries who are against us?

countries who were actually behind 9/11, and not just the most favored scapegoat like iraq was?

what we learned today was $100 billion, 9 months of quote unquote war, and foot soldiers walking around a country hunting for a man, can indeed yield up that man.

seek and ye shall find.

so when will we go to saudi arabia and seek and find osama?

who blew up america and left behind a gaping wound?

i applaud you for finding the straw man after so much time, money, and close to 500 american military deaths.

when will you ask the american people for another billion, another 500 deaths, and another nine months to find bin laden, the terrorist cells that helped produce 15 of the 19 911 hijackers and instill a democracy in saudi arabia?

saudi arabia doesnt have a democracy.

“there’s not even the pretense in Saudi Arabia of a democracy.”

women cant drive cars there.

people get amputated by the crown so they will confess to crimes, and some criminals are executed in public.

a few years ago they were executing two people a week.

and if youre not a criminal, lets just say you’re gay, they kill you.

didnt we just blow the fuck out of iraq and just got a boner cuz we caught saddam cuz he killed his people?

do we only care about murdering tyrants when they kill heterosexuals?

course not.

like i said im stoked you got saddam, and im stoked you care so much about human rights and weapons of mass destruction and about dethroning nations who steal money and freedom and hope from their people and literally murder them right there in the streets.

and im stoked youre not going to stop at bringing a democracy to just afghanistan and iraq.

im stoked youre going to bring it to saudi arabia

and china

and north korea

and africa

and south central.

but im super stoked that we now know how to do it

declare war… sorta, blow shit up, die a little, kill his sons even the kids, be patient, spend a ton of money your own country doesnt have, keep asking people where bro is, then find him hiding

then shave him

then smile.

i feel so safe right now.

treacher + last chance cafe + kitty bukkake