church. rock music. sex. drugs. you.

all these things are mixed inside,

churning, breathing, oozing seeping.

seeking for that right combo

and you know how you can tell when

ive had the right amount:

my hair.

sometimes its nicely proportionate

you look adorable in peppermint

sometimes it looks like dirty weeds

i was at Wal-Mart yesterday thinking

about how i will turn out as a parent

moms were pussyfooting around with their precious angels

and the dads werent putting up with jack

id say junior hand daddy that baseball bat

are you buying that for us poppa

no im going to beat you better yet

go over to the gun section and get me a single

pump rifle and either you shut up and just

look at the merchandise like good children

or point and scream at what you want

and i will try to shoot your little pointy finger

and if i hit you, well, you lose

but if i miss then i will buy the item

your little heart desires.

i think i’ll have good kids.

i think i’ll raise the type of kids who’ll either

understand all

or grow up planning my death with such detail

and creativity that even i’ll be

proud to have sired them.

born on a whim.

the lightbulb is dim.

shes dancing and smiling and motioning and drinking gin

all the red auras of yesterday are sinking in

grateful dead matriarch smoking dope in peoples park

in oakland its another thing

in chinatown a man named Ding

and you expect me to understand

i do i dont i give a damn

i was aiming at your finger Sally but i picked off

the babies hand the babies hand oh god a doctor

i shot the babies hand

well he was pointing my oldest said

and stinking up and crying, dad

whats fair is fair my girl agreed

the baby nodded and looked at me.

a twenty something life + soxaholix + danielle is back

hi tony

what are you doing?

getting a mug shot.

what did you do?

got shitfaced here at sundance.

dude, you rule.

thanks.

i swear, gay guys even look good taking mug shots.

hey now.

seriously, i look like ass no matter what i do. if i had a tv show named bloggers with raymi as my cohost i would just wear mexican wrestling masks all the time.

i love those mexican wrestlers.

totally.

well hey tony, i have to go get fingerprinted now, but i wanted to congratulate you on your bloggie award nomination.

oh thanks david lachapelle.

yeah man, best blog post about blogging for the post “how to blog”. thats pretty impressive.

not as impressive as that bruise of yours. could it have been more perfectly placed?

who are you up against?

im not sure, the bloggies web site keeps shutting down for exceeding its bandwidth.

must be a pretty popular contest.

must be.

think you’ll win?

yes. i do. its a list. people love lists. people love having their thoughts numbered and organized for them and sliced up into bitesized pieces. im sure i’ll win.

so tony are you worried? i think youre up against a few british newspapers.

they’ll cancel each other out.

what do you win if you win?

last time i checked nobody had donated any prizes. im hoping someone donates a washer drier.

tony, they have mtv in here. its horrible. theyre doing the top ten rock countdown. the most rocking thing theyve had on the list are the killers who if you recall has sythesizers in it.

thats not rock.

so not.

good luck in jail david lapachelle.

thanks tony, good luck out there in freedom.

will do!

fil + sutter + kate sullivans rock blog

is that i got to grow up watching johnny carson, one of the classiest on-air personalities ever. you dont see a lot of that these days.

perhaps the problem is that with competition came crap, and with crap came people thinking that they had to dumb themselves down to the crap.

carson had pretty much zero competition. for most of his run there were only two other serious networks and only one of them, abc, had anything semi-worthwhile to watch (nightline), but if you wanted to see celebs being interviewed by a real celeb there was only one “choice”, Johnny.

yes people will say that arsenio was competition but he wasn’t. he was a clown. he embodied some of the worst stereotypes of black culture, and even though he wasn’t gay he sure acted and dressed faggy. and now history has shown him to be the clown and fad that we all suspected that he was. woof woof indeed.

I understand and respect that Carson was a deeply private man. I understand that that led to his request to have no memorial service, but what I don’t understand is how he let leno take his chair. Carson clearly had a bond to Letterman, the last interview show that he did was on the Late Show. during one period of time The Tonight Show accounted for 17% of all of NBC’s income, so therefore why on earth wouldnt the network have allowed Johnny to pick his obvious successor?

because hollywood is run by idiots who havent a clue what originality and talent is, for if they did you wouldnt even know arsenios name and leno would be a comedian that you’d see from time to time in vegas, and as a guest on the tonight show starring david letterman.

johnny carson sailed his yacht to africa and hid out in malibu and kept as far away from tvland after he retired on purpose, because it’s a dirty world slithering with gutless snakes and untalented mimics.

when they say there will never be another johnny carson again it’s true. with a zillion channels, how are you ever going to find a network willing to take a chance on a low-key intelligent talk show host who enjoys jazz and class?

and what network would give someone years to build his audience and catch on to his style and allow for the time that it takes to bring back the lost art of conversation?

if i ran my favorite channel, e!, i would have a late night talk show hosted by a young intellect who enjoyed the finer parts of life, entertainment, and wished to follow in the footsteps of the late great johnny carson.

this person would have to be funny, enjoyable to watch, central to the hollywood infrastructure, and interested in being on television every day.

and different to what has already been paraded in front of us for late night interview shows.

my choice of course would be miss drew barrymore.

whose movie acting skillz are thin and beautifully disguised.

however, if i was showtime or hbo, i would give howard stern a boatload of money once he moves over to Sirius and i would put him on HBO3 or Showtime3 and present his radio show uncut from the hours of 7p-11p and give people an alternative to the primetime crap that they currently have.

of course youre not going to watch howard for four hours every night, but you might watch him for a half hour or for an hour of maybe even for 90 minutes if theres nothing on “regular” tv.

and there will be boobies.

showtime should seriously consider it because showtime3 from 7p-11p isnt luring anyone away from the networks during primetime and the two van damme movies that they would be playing at that time have been already seen by whatever meatheads would be tuned in, and those fellas, im sure, would much rather seen midgets throw balogna at the asses of porn stars via the howard stern show.

because if you cant find another johnny carson, you may as well go the opposite direction. especially if that other direction is interesting and risk-taking and fresh.

and if i ran mtv thered be a late night concert every weeknight hosted by mr henry rollins. of course.

kitty bukkake + britcoal + how appealing + starskream

im writing you from chopper one high above los angeles.

my buddy bob is going to be at my house in about fifteen minutes.

we havent seen each other in 89 years.

he was my best friend from kindegarten through high school.

in kindegarten my mom says they saw me and i was insane and they saw him and he was shy and quiet and they throught we could balance each other out.

i wont say it worked but we grew up together and it was a nice thing.

sometimes my mom will ask if i had a good childhood and i will have to say i had a great childhood and part of it was due to bob and my other friends and their parents and the idylic world the white collar suburbs of chicago were at that time.

i had two pools to choose from on my street.

and a huge christmas tree farm inbetween my house and bobs house.

the forest had a golf range on it, which meant we got as many free golf balls as we wanted because of course many got “lost” in the forest.

because of that im an amazing golfer.

one day chicago great walter payton had his driver stop his jeep so walter could hit a few buckets of balls.

i was inside the arcade playing space invaders.

i begged the dude to let me have a pen so i could get sweetnesses autograph. he said no, leave mr payton alone.

so i ran through the forest to my home and got a pen and ran back. walter however was driving away. somehow he saw me running behind him and had his dude stop.

i handed him a pen and the business card of the driving range and he signed it.

my childhood was so good that that moment wasnt even in the top five moments of growing up.

one of them involved bob and his dad, however. one day bobs dad was driving me and bob to a basketball game. we were in the 3rd grade. the game happened to be the 3rd grade championship.

i was chewing bubble gum.

bobs dad said, you know if you chew gum when you play it will ruin your concentration.

that game i scored 50 points. i didnt miss a shot.

some called it the greatest game a 3rd grader has ever played in illinois.

bob was there, he’ll tell ya.

so he googled me the other day, we exchanged phone numbers. today hes here on business, but hes blowing it off to hang with me.

i was all, what do you want to do.

he was all, i dont care, i just want to meet karisa.

as you wish.

who are going to be at Coachella

but didnt we get punk’d by a lineup that looked like this a few months back?

me, im still waiting for the oldman’s luxury boxes that are climate controlled and have beverage servers waiting on me in my cushioned seat.

Subject: RE: COACHELLA ’05 – preliminary details

April 30th

David Bowie, Nine Inch Nails, PJ Harvey, Coldplay, Interpol, The Faint, Franz Ferdinand, Polyphonic Spree, Boards of Canada, TV on the Radio, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Squarepusher, Clinic, French Kicks, Secret Machines, Phoenix, Beep Beep, Dogs Die In Hot Cars, Death from Above 1979 and The Helio Sequence.

May 1st

REM, Tears For Fears, Wilco, Modest Mouse, Bright Eyes, Jimmy Eat World, Mos Def, Badly Drawn Boy, The Streets, Spoon, Cake, The Postal Service, The Shins, Sleater-Kinney, Rilo Kiley, Radio 4, Doves, Iron and Wine, The Arcade Fire, Moving Units.

coachella + mc brown + zulieka

about ten times a day, but i gotta give it up to the people who went down to dc and told the president to go fuck himself.

a real president would have stopped his limo and gotten up on the roof of his ride and pulled out his megaphone and said

my fellow americans

i know you dont like me, and thats ok.

but i promise all of you that i will listen to you more this time, i will work harder to represent All of this fine nation, and do whats best for the planet at large.

im sorry that you havent always supported everything that i have done these last four years, but with your help, i think you’ll see that a house united can perform miracles.

i know your prayers and well wishes are with our service men and women fighting for freedom in iraq and afghanistan, and i think you’ll be pleasantly suprised to know that we have agreed to pull them out of there by april first. no joke.

we are not the world’s police.

i also asked for the resignation of that house negro, michael powell, who has done a horrible job as fcc chairman. i am pro first ammendment. even if i dont know what it is.

for those of you who have brought eggs to hurl at me, heres your chance. aim high. but remember, there are starving kids in every american city. why dont you fix them some omlettes instead.

whoops. guess you dont care about the kids. well i do, for every egg that hits my limo i will send an omlette to a homeless person, so go ahead, yes, ahh. ooh a brown one. dont see many of those — ok — ok thank you. See you at the ball, oh thats right, youre not invited.

i used to have a girlfriend who would sit around topless reading one book after another on my bookshelf. if i would have read her this aloud she would have turned the page and said, tony why dont you just run the world?

and i would say because then i wouldnt have any time to service you.

and then i would service her.

completely.

maybe thats what bushie thinks hes doing to the world

servicing us all.

but man it was sad when instead of standing on top of his limo, he had the dude floor it so that the tv cams wouldnt hear/see the protesters treat him like ashlee simpson as he sped by like a pussy ass bitch.

i cant wait to vote.

luke hackney + sk smith + fook the people

“George W. Bush was officially sworn in to begin his second term as president of the United States Thursday, promising to pursue “the expansion of freedom in all the world.”-CBC

If the last four years are an indication of Bush’s idea of ‘freedom’, I am officially moving to Mars.

I have studied the United States, in one way or another, since I was a teenager. Be it US foreign and covert policy, the Civil War era, pop culture, or civil rights; I have looked south with a voyeuristic fascination the better part of my life.

I have to admit that in November of last year I lost a great deal of respect for a healthy slice of America. I have long regarded the United States government, and its various internal apparatuses, quite coolly, but must admit to readdressing my personal definition of culpability with regards to the American public after November’s election. Given its outcome, how could I forgive those that would willingly back such recklessness, such callousness, and such blatant neo imperialism?

People make mistakes, true enough, but the one that was sworn in today for a second term in office has been responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of innocents. And that, I am afraid, is not so easily forgiven.

There are good people in the US working tirelessly to monitor the Bush administration, to hold it accountable, and to inform the world of what is happening behind closed doors. They deserve our respect and whatever assistance we can offer them, as they are on the front lines of a domestic war that reverberates outwards to affect billions of others.

There are lives to be saved by doing whatever can be done in every American house, in every American shop, in every American legislature, and on every American street corner. One hopes that Americans will remember that. One hopes that in the future, foreigners won’t need to have to tell them.

How will George Walker Bush be remembered? That will depend on how the person who is sworn in on this day in 2009 addresses the damage he has caused to what was, in antiquity, a good idea. Because today, Thomas Jefferson, asleep in the soil of Virginia, officially became a citizen of France.

American Progress would like you peruse the cost of this week’s coronation…

“A look at this week’s festivities by the numbers:

$40 million: Cost of Bush inaugural ball festivities, not counting security costs.

$2,000: Amount FDR spent on the inaugural in 1945…about $20,000 in today’s dollars.

$20,000: Cost of yellow roses purchased for inaugural festivities by D.C.’s Ritz Carlton.

200: Number of Humvees outfitted with top-of-the-line armor for troops in Iraq that could have been purchased with the amount of money blown on the inauguration.

$10,000: Price of an inaugural package at the Fairmont Hotel, which includes a Beluga caviar and Dom Perignon reception, a chauffeured Rolls Royce and two actors posing as “faux” Secret Service agents, complete with black sunglasses and cufflink walkie-talkies.

400: Pounds of lobster provided for “inaugural feeding frenzy” at the exclusive Mandarin Oriental hotel.

3,000: Number of “Laura Bush Cowboy cookies” provided for “inaugural feeding frenzy” at the Mandarin hotel.

$1: Amount per guest President Carter spent on snacks for guests at his inaugural parties. To stick to a tight budget, he served pretzels, peanuts, crackers and cheese and had cash bars.

22 million: Number of children in regions devastated by the tsunami who could have received vaccinations and preventive health care with the amount of money spent on the inauguration.

1,160,000: Number of girls who could be sent to school for a year in Afghanistan with the amount of money lavished on the inauguration.

$15,000: The down payment to rent a fur coat paid by one gala attendee who didn’t want the hassle of schlepping her own through the airport.

$200,500: Price of a room package at D.C.’s Mandarin Oriental, including presidential suite, chauffeured Mercedes limo and outfits from Neiman Marcus.

2,500: Number of U.S. troops used to stand guard as President Bush takes his oath of office

26,000: Number of Kevlar vests for U.S. soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan that could be purchased for $40 million.

$290: Bonus that could go to each American solider serving in Iraq, if inauguration funds were used for that purpose.

$6.3 million: Amount contributed by the finance and investment industry, which works out to be 25 percent of all the money collected.

$17 million: Amount of money the White House is forcing the cash-strapped city of Washington, D.C., to pony up for inauguration security.

9: Percentage of D.C. residents who voted for Bush in 2004.

66: Percentage of Americans who think this over-the-top inauguration should have been scaled back.”

Matthew Good is a big time rock star from Canada

halden + isou + leah + bush gets schooled on Fox News