first lets discuss the item in yesterdays paper:

Not-OK computer: Cubs tell Zambrano to cut back on use

(AP) May 22 Cubs right-hander Carlos Zambrano has been told to cut back on his computer time because the hours he’s spending typing could be contributing to his elbow problems.

Zambrano said he had been logging about four hours a day communicating via e-mail with his brother.

“I have to spend one hour and take it easy,” Zambrano said.

Zambrano looked fine Saturday, allowing just one hit in seven innings against the White Sox.

“It’s not carpal tunnel, but if you don’t watch it, who knows what it can lead to? We are trying to alleviate it,” Cubs manger Dusty Baker said.

The Cubs were told after Zambrano had to leave his May 14 start against Washington early with a sore elbow that was the result of a non-pitching condition and activity. So they also told Zambrano to lighten up on his batting practice.

“I feel completely healthy,” Zambrano said.

perhaps you dont understand whats happening in the world of sports right now.

the nba playoffs? fuck the nba playoffs. why do i care about a bunch of pot smoking wannabe gangstas and wiggas with thyroid issues driving down the lane when the lakers arent involved?

football? fuck football.

hockey? soccer? any of those other ultra gay sports that have no relevance in the big picture and will be forgotten before the spaceship ever takes us home.

theres only one sport in the world and its called getting the cubs into the world series and then winning it.

you arent fucking typing any four hours long to your brother carlos zambrano. i know what youre doing, and its not editing the closed captioning of t&a shows or scheduling production rooms or knocking out one of the most overrated blogs in showbiz.

and i dont care what youre doing on your laptop. all i know is its getting in the way of the only important sport, and the job that pays you millions and millions.

im unemployed carlos zambrano. if i worked for a historic ballclub who hadnt tasted the ultimate of successes since 1908

and if i had the chance to help them get there and they were paying me millions

and if the entire city if not the world would be better off if i threw my laptop out of the fucking window and just worked on how i could be the best pitcher i would be, guess what, id cancel my aol in espanol like you oughtta be doing el pronto.

are all baseball players completely insane?

if my application to michael jackson for the job of yelling wtf any time he shares a bed with a young boy comes back unaccepted im going to apply to be your personal typist mr carlos zambrano because unlike you i am completely committed to having the cubs win the world series before i leave this toilet earth.

i will learn spanish if i have to, or any time your brother emails you i will look up the spanish translation of call carlos on his phone fool and email him back for you.

the cubs visit los angeles one week from today for a three game series with the dodgers

gorilla mask links to regular girls peeing outside + christie + ciavarro + accordion guy

In Canada, the celebration of Victoria Day occurs every year on Monday, prior to May 25th. It is the official celebration in Canada of the birthdays of Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth II.

Victoria Day was established as a holiday in Canada West (Now Ontario) in 1845, and became a national holiday in 1901. Before Victoria Day became a national Holiday, people had celebrated Empire Day, beginning in the 1890s as Victoria approached her Diamond jubilee in 1897.

In 1977 Commonwealth Day was moved to the second Monday in March, but Canadians continued to celebrate Victoria Day in May. In Canada, this holiday and Canada Day are celebrated with fireworks, though Victoria day is a decidedly lower-key event. Monarchist groups often use Victoria Day as a day of celebration, but to the majority of Canadians the day is simply a holiday off from work, with little specific meaning.

This is the first of the summer long weekends in Canada, and is known colloquially as “May two-four weekend”. The phrase has two meanings, the first, of course, is the fact that it usually falls around May 24, and secondly, those who celebrate will often get together to drink beer (a two-four is a case of 24 bottles of beer.) Note that the holiday may be referred to as “May two-four” even if it falls as early as May 18.

Victoria, queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and empress of India was born on 24 May 1819. She ascended the throne after the death of her uncle George IV in 1837 when she was only 18. She ruled until her death in 1901 when her son Edward the VII became king of England.

After Confederation, the Queen’s birthday was celebrated every year on May 24 unless that date was a Sunday, in which case a proclamation was issued providing for the celebration on May 25.

After the death of Queen Victoria in 1901, an Act was passed by the Parliament of Canada establishing a legal holiday on May 24 in each year (or May 25 if May 24 fell on a Sunday) under the name Victoria Day.

Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg, was born in Kensington Palace in London on May 24th, 1819, the daughter of Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, a son of King George III.

Due to the fact that the King was insane, George, the older brother of Edward served as the country’s regent. The Prince Regent and his estranged wife had just one child, Princess Charlotte of Wales. After Charlotte’s death in 1817, the people began to worry about the royal succession. Although the king had twelve living children, none of them had offspring who were eligible to inherit the throne.

After pressure from the Parliament and the public, Edward married the German princess, Victoire of Saxe-Coburg, age 31. On May 24, 1819 the Duchess of Kent gave birth to a daughter. She was christened Alexandrina Victoria.

She ascended the throne upon the death of William IV. Barely eighteen, she refused any further influence from her domineering mother and ruled in her own stead. Popular respect for the Crown was at low point at her coronation, but the modest and straightforward young Queen won the hearts of her subjects. She wished to be informed of political matters, although she had no direct input in policy decisions.

The Reform Act of 1832 had set the standard of legislative authority residing in the House of Lords, with executive authority resting within a cabinet formed of members of the House of Commons; the monarch was essentially removed from the loop. She respected and worked well with Lord Melbourne, Prime Minister in the early years of her reign, and England grew both socially and economically.

Victoria’s long reign witnessed an evolution in English politics and the expansion of the British Empire, which included Canada, Australia, India, New Zealand, and large parts of Africa, as well as political and social reforms on the continent.

France had known two dynasties and embraced Republicanism, Spain had seen three monarchs and both Italy and Germany had united their separate principalities into national coalitions. Even in her dotage, she maintained a youthful energy and optimism that infected the English population as a whole.

Immediately after becoming queen, Victoria began regular meetings with William Lamb, 2nd Viscount Melbourne, the British prime minister at the time. The two grew very close, and Melbourne taught Victoria how the British government worked on a day-to-day basis.

In her later years, she almost became the symbol of the British Empire. Both the Golden (1887) and the Diamond (1897) Jubilees, held to celebrate the 50th and 60th anniversaries of the queen’s accession, were marked with great displays and public ceremonies. On both occasions, Colonial Conferences attended by the Prime Ministers of the self-governing colonies were held.

Despite her advanced age, Victoria continued her duties to the end – including an official visit to Dublin in 1900. The Boer War in South Africa overshadowed the end of her reign. As in the Crimean War nearly half a century earlier, Victoria reviewed her troops and visited hospitals; she remained undaunted by British reverses during the campaign: ‘We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat; they do not exist.’

Victoria died at Osborne House on the Isle of Wight, on 22 January 1901 after a reign which lasted almost 64 years, the longest in British history. She was buried at Windsor beside Prince Albert, in the Frogmore Royal Mausoleum, which she had built for their final resting place. Above the Mausoleum door are inscribed Victoria’s words: ‘farewell best beloved, here at last I shall rest with thee, with thee in Christ I shall rise again’.

British Empire, name given to United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the former dominions, colonies, and other territories throughout the world that owed allegiance to the British Crown from the late 1500s to the middle of the 20th century. At its height in the early 1900s, the British Empire included over 20 percent of the world’s land area and more than 400 million people.

via inglewood care centre + paige + matthew good + jenny good + fil

she doesnt. not only a virgin but a vegan. a virgan. a vegin. she puts no meat in her mouth america. none. i was lucky to get my tounge in there. she had a cute spaghetti strap shirt on that said i eat nothing with a face and i argued that i dont have much of a face any more, just bored expressions. she had mercy on me. now, how that got her to spend the night is beyond me but we slept tangled like dna strands but my blue balls have never been so blue. but i report to you from the front that a sleepover date with a vegin is better than no date at all. and even though my fantasy baseball reliever just gave up a two run homer in the bottom of the ninth i have a stupid smile and reason to believe.

the day started off right when i finally opened my week’s mail around noon after breakfast. there was an expense check that i had forgotten that i had submitted, there was a book from a very nice forgeiner who asked to remain anonymous but swedish princesses deserve their privacy so there you go baby, and then i got a small package from one of my favorite people who sent me the new white stripes cd get behind me satan and the new frank black cd honeycomb.

ive gotta open my mail more often.

sadly i saw an invoice from my dentist. and im 60 days past due! for some reason i thought they were tapping into my credit card each month. i told them that it was cool to do that since i didnt know when i was gonna be back there, but i guess there were some extra charges or something? whatev, hes got a good place there so the checks in the mail doc.

three stamps i must get tomorrow morning.

did as much as i could with a virgan after breakfast and she pulled out this stinky green bud that i was all whoah baby whered a pretty little girl like you get something as crazy as that? it was dark green with crazy little purple hairs and shades of yellow near its core which sparkled in the morning light.

people like to give me things she giggled and dug through her bag for a pipe and pulled out this shiny silver lipstick thing that turned into a smoking device. she packed it, swiped the lighter next to the candle and offered me the first hit but i passed since i thinking im going to probably get drug tested at this company i applied for. office depot doesnt accept druggies i told her.

instead i licked her cute little perky nipple and said thats how you get high off life baby and my head sunk down due to gravity i swear and entered a sweet darkness that no man has ever reached and i was there for a milisecond as she was distracted with her paraphenalia and had no free hands to defend her bunker and i searched for a whiff of innocence but thats the funny thing about aromas, sometimes pot smoking angels have none

not even when they pass out on the couch before the sixth inning in front of the cubs sox game on the big screen

a game the cubs would barely win thanks to the complete game effort of mr mark prior who probably doesnt smell like chicken soup which is my aroma currently as its hot in this bungalow at two twenty six on may twenty second i have no ac no ceiling fan no nothing except a scientificly adjusted assortment of windows and doors some of which are open to allow in the shade-cooled air to enter, and some which are closed to stop the bright sun-warmed air to come in.

but even though its warm she sleeps beneath a mexican blanket not at all knowing that pizza pie has been delivered with her favorite toppings and even though mine has double, obviously, her half has no cheese.

sploid + marty + kitty bukkake + gmask has the deleted team america xxx puppet scene

yesterday

have i told you that the people on the bus can be rude? have i told you that life isnt fair?

have i told you that work is hell sometimes like on hot days up in a whirlybird when all you want to do is take off your shoes and walk on the beach for even 15 minutes.

i want to take off my shirt and lay in the sun and listen to floyd zep doors dead santana janes pixies angus malcom, me and the ladies went to rock n roll thai the other night and first they put in pixies doolittle then they put in porno for pyros and i couldnt have picked two better cds or ten better dishes that we munched to.

i want to borrow somebodys golden retriever and somebody elses frisbee and somebody elses girlfriend and somebody elses convertible and i want to drive everyone to zuma where i belong today.

have i told you ive had the most wonderful life?

do you know i have the bestest friends and the nicest inbox.

when im up here chasing criminals and listenening to all the drama in my earpiece the best way for me to protect my soul is to remember that this thing could collapse any minute and the next minute i will be a splat on the 405 only to be cooked by the firey explosion and rush hour traffic.

so i think about the nice things, like spider rings and candy necklaces on girls with experience.

the devil messes with my hairline and my dumb face and my kidneys and my confidence but the angels send a parade of miracles my way every damn day.

cubs are still in first place.

cubs will stay in first place.

this guy we’re staking out doesnt know there are twenty xbi agents listening to his every word.

he keeps singing living la vida loca to himself.

one of our guys is calling him gay, but our info says hes not gay. now the debate is whether or not its gay to be humming or singing or whistling ricky martin.

now one of our sharpshooters, a woman, is asking us why we men are so concerned if someone is gay or not.

now i cant get that stupid song out of my head.

now im singing it in my microphone.

now lots of people are singing it in their microphones!

now im laughing.

fast fiction + shane nickerson + coop + treacher

for the Gorilla Mask Death Pool 2005 are in, and as Mr. T predicted “pain” in Rocky II, i predict “death” for the following gentlemen.

yes, this year my list comprises only men including two sitting presidentes.

at the top of the list is the supreme court justice, who everyone knows is gonna eat it,

next is the religious leader who will meet his maker

then michael moore’s best friend who was close to the edit two movies ago

and then we have michael douglas’s dad whose one handed pushups will be missed

then comes americas oldest teenager who michael moore exposed in roger & me

fish is the man that most people have thought has been dead for years, but no, not until this year i predict will he sleep with the fishes

i get nervous when i get a new mole on my head, jerry lewis has an entire head on his mole, and will die

i would love to visit cuba before fidel exuents, but im not thinking im going to get that trip

gerald ford will die, i predict, and people will come out of the woodwork to say nice things about him, even though i dont remember anything ever nice being said about him

and finally our dear leader was a faulty hand grenade away from tapping out, but not even hell wants dubya.. yet.

here is my list

1. William Rehnquist
2. Billy Graham
3. Charlton Heston
4. Kirk Douglas
5. Dick Clark
6. Abe Vigoda
7. Jerry Lewis
8. Fidel Castro
9. Gerald Ford
10. George W. Bush

go to Gorilla Mask to make your list, and feel free to put your pics here in my comments so we can compare and contrast.

break a leg!

hola estonia + bonjour australia + viva estonia + aloha norway

was woken at noonthirty by ms karisa j who wanted to know if i was interested in working at her company. i said would it mean that i get to see you every day and she said yes so i said yes but i have learned to ask for incredibly difficult terms.

one, karisa must pick me up and drive me home each day, two i must never be asked to wear a suit and if i must for each day that i am asked to wear a suit i need to have a day off the very next day to recover, the same way some baseball players wont play a day game right after a night game, far too taxing on the knees.

and i must be allowed to change my name to his excellency.

and i would like a very heavy stapler.

people ask why i endured what i had to go through in my last job and now that i have a little distance from it i see that one of the reasons was i had a very good solid deceptively heavy stapler. it gave me hope. it gave me security. it allowed me to staple like a man and it didnt ask questions afterwards. it was ugly and mean and would never be misunderstood as a sissy. john woo wanted to order an electric stapler cuz it would have been funny to have one, but i wouldnta ever used it.

all those years my mans man of staplers never jammed. and i did some stapling.

believe it or not, true story, but once someone even judged my stapling. i was all what!

i know. crazy.

people watch tv all day long and little do they know that behind the scenes people are criticising the way a man staples. i believe the issue at hand was vertical as opposed to my trademarked diagonal, which im certain became the industry standard years ago.

speaking of the dark ages, ive turned my apartment upside down so i can find a stamp. another reason i loved e! was there is a secret tiny us post office in the lobby of the building across the courtyard. rarely a line, always friendly service, and one of the big reasons why my last blook was so successful. if i ever needed to ship a book out pronto i just swiveled to a drawer of books, signed it, printed out the pay pal USPS prepaid priorty mail label and walked across the courtyard to the post office.

and if i ever needed a stamp, there they were.

the hollywood bungalow that i write you from this friday afternoon is near no post offices. and now i realize i need two stamps.

yes, this will be the toughest challenge that i meet today

since the internal debate between sandals and sneakers has been decided since i cant find my pumas.

did i tell you that a beautiful girl from virgina is comeing to my house very soon?

yep.

did i tell you i bought the juliette lewis and the licks cd yesterday after star wars.

yep.

did i tell you that someone from blogebrity contacted me adn they are actually a real thing?

yep.

im not sure i want to work at the beach. in the summer. even with karisa. how crazy is that.

these virgins are sucking the sense right out of my head arent they.

raymi + zulieka still lookin hot + super jux + the grey havens

directed by George Lucas
starring Natalie Portman, Yoda, and Samuel L. Jackson

the editors in my head say dont write dont write. they say everything youre going to write is gonna suck here let me give you a few lines of how bad its gonna be.

they say things like take a day off, take a three day weekend. take a week off.

which would be fine, but this isnt ten thousand dollar pyramid and yet those are clearly from the category “things you say about work.”

blogging shouldnt be work. blogging isnt work. blogging is the hobby of writing down the things about your life.

we all have several hobbies, walking, eating junk food, drinking rum, riding public transit, cell phoning virgins, being spontaneous, forgetting plans, eating fast food, drinking pop

collecting sports cards, watching tv, listening to howard stern,

reading email, analyzing porn, writing poems, cluttering ones home, counting the gray hairs on ones chest, giving magazines to the hot, showering three times a day, sleeping till noon, eating one meal a day, calculating how long this vacation can last, meeting new neighbors

losing at fantasy sports, realizing that anything other than event tickets purchased off ebay is useless, collecting broken home electronics and computerware, answering questions from random babes on aim

and yes blogging

would you ever say, yeah im not going to chat with new hot girls on the web for three days. of course not. if blogging is work for you youre not doing it for the right reason. write something that will make you reread it later.

theres a virgin whose coming over here tonight. at the tone the time will be six twenty two am, my body clock is all fuct. i saw the new star wars tonight and loved it. the virgin is going to come over here and we’re going to play a little game of green light red light which virgins usually win but ive had a week to work on new strategies.

but now after seeing star wars, when i kiss her im going to try to will her clothes off by using the force

while attempting to convince her that she needs to take up a nude hobby i mean new hobby.

finger licking is a underrated hobby

so is living room carpet runway walking

as is the moaning edition of the hot cold game

or the old favorite lets pretend youre not a virgin

its six thirty on may twentieth which means the sun is not only above the horizon, its had its second cup of coffee.

do i criticize star wars for having bad dialogue, bad acting, sterile interiors, and ridiculous errors?

no more so than i would any big budget special effects movie.

there used to be this race car game you could play with three of your friends. one screen. everyone gets a steering wheels, a pedal, and one shifter that was high or lo. i think it was called grand prix? i forget.

after you raced a race and won some money or picked up a symbol you could improve either your speed, your traction, your pickup, or your durability or something.

there was always some idiot who was never happy with an even car, he always wanted Max Speed

if hollywood had its way there wouldnt even be a catagory called writing, especially in sci fi special effects movies otherwise you wouldnt have lines like this in films that cost over $100 mil to make

Anakin: “You’re so beautiful.”
Natalie Portman: “It’s only because I’m so in love.”
Anakin: “No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.”

it’s ironic that i rushed off to see this film as soon as i could because i didnt want anyone to give anything away

its ironic because this is part three of a six part trilogy – of course we know whats going to happen in it!

but as newsweek said somehow george lucas, who everyone had given up on, figured out that this was a jigsaw puzzle that everyone knew how it would turn out, and the fun was watching it come together.

it was great fun.

people will have their way with this movie because its filled with countless flaws, but that only reminds me of how Mad magazine made fun of the original so many years ago.

they had luke asking chewbacca, isnt it great that we’re surrounded by marksmen and storm troopers and

none

of them can hit us even at nearly point blank range?

good movies lift you up away from mundane realities and question marks, and so when we’ve watched all these films of yoda for example walking oh so slowly with a cane one minute and flying around like a crouching tiger beating someones ass the next we just play along. as we should.

one day hollywood will spend even a fiftieth of its budget on good writing for a sci fi action adventure instant classic film, but its my bet that it wont happen in my lifetime.

but why be cynical, it could be happening now, sadly its in a galaxy far far away.

the overflow + dc + alecia

Update: I loved it.

via the instant message deal and she said too bad im not a miss universe contestant and i was all yep maybe next year.

its warm today. super warm. eight minutes until my shit is downloaded and i can walk around hollywood. im thinking about going to visit the cuban girl who i havent seen in a long time and who really should have my resume because i love her company so much so that i would even work for free right now i dont even care im sitting here doing nothing all day except writing to people who dont write back and writing to places whose servers bounce the shit right back, etc.

i did apply for one job and the gentleman replied nearly immediately and said that he had actually thought of me for the opening but that really it wasnt the right fit, just yet. and that was nice of him to write me back twice.

i was on the interweb this morning with a nice girl from south america who swore that she had written me not once but twice and i didnt write her back. and i was all im so sorry. you should see this girl america. but the truth is i do get a lot of email and almost all of it is overwhelmingly nice and i am so appreciative you wouldnt know, and you also wouldnt know since i am really bad at returning email, and phone calls, and cards, and letters, and pretty much everything, the babe who is producer at e! said that im just as bad as the talent. of which i will neither confirm nor deny.

she said she lost her crush on me when i didnt return her emails but now its back since i linked her last week.

then she said she had to log off cuz her mom needed to use the phone.

ah teens.

ok my shit is downloaded but i wanted to say yes i did see the britney and kevin special, like omg y’all.

and i will have to say that upon first viewing i was repulsed, obviously, as im sure we all were.

but i have to say that i applaud her for, i must admit, is maddonasque fuckit-im-bigger-than-anyone-im-going-for-it staring right into the lens of the camera and saying you’ll blink before i do.

how can you not love her big black security guy saying he didnt like kevin at first (and then not saying that he likes him now)?

how can you not love her shameless documentation of plucking the hillbilly dancer from a club in hollywood, flying him to england and using him like the boytoy he is? and then cutely glowing after humping him three times before noon?

bravo britney, you might be the goofy little ho we had always hoped youd be, and i for one wont judge you for fulfilling that fantasy and bringing value back to the word transparancy.

my question is, how did upn get this and not one of the majors or mtv? did upn say, here britney, you can have All the money. thats got to be it, right?

bloopy + oliver willis + steph + vortexia