january 2016 in review

legs in bathcar broke

computer broke

made good money on new years eve

brunched with ali and aj

watched hella Making a Murderer

watched even more Fargo

had sex with a pretty girl

el nino came in the beginning and end of jan and tons of stuff ended up in the river

but there were rainbows

started a thing where i watch a classic movie every week. classic meaning olde. it started with imitation of life, then it was love in the afternoon, then it was belle de jour, and tonight it was city lights

drove around the assistant for Rae Sremmurd which was probs the ride of the month

got excited that Guns n Roses will be at Coachella

sampled the new mozzarella sticks at mcdonalds for you

bowie died and it hit everyone pretty hard

had to be at work at 4am one day, a photo essay

quoted matthew 7:5 on the internet in an unusual example of thug life

wore a hat on national hat day

realized that taylor swift is going to do a surprise set at coachella this april, probs weekend one and i wont be there

solved global warming, sorry cubs

tried to write this thing but instead watched a couple of docs including The Wolfpack which was amazing like omg

she asked why do you have two tvs in your bedroom

a judge said dov cant run american apparel no more which means there wont be american apparel no more

got very upset with my former love

went to the lakers game with chris and dave and totally told the usher lady in the good seats, no it’s good

saw the martian and then the revenant and at first i thought the rev would win all the oscars, now im not sure

some of the differences between when i did college newspapering and how they do it now

got two tickets for springsteen doing all of the river but theyre in the very back row up in the sky

charlie chaplin’s “city lights”

city lights chaplini have always been a buster keaton fan and never truly understood chaplins appeal until today when i saw City Lights (1931).

where keaton has remarkable acrobatics, chaplin has this sweet sweet sentimentality. and so many bits.  chaplins facial expressions are also not limited to just one.

i hesitate from giving away the movie – can you spoil one thats nearly 100 years old?

but the idea that a very poor guy falls in love with a blind girl and needs the help of a millionaire to help him is a bit extreme to say the least.

something ive noticed in these older movies is how often theres someone with a butler or a maid or a paid servant of some sort to help them do the most bizarre domestic dealings.

people dressed super nice back then

and women got bouquets of flowers like all the time, it seemed.

it was also nice to see one of those gutters that led to a pipe that filled a wooden barrel: who the hell thought we should get rid of those?

but the little tiny scene that i loved – other than the end –  was when charlie is working as a street sweeper and gives dirty looks at the horses before he has to pick up after them

as if the horses know what theyre doing!

four stars

one of my new years resolutions is that every week imma see a classic movie i aint never seen before, it started with imitation of life (1934) then love in the afternoon (1957) and last week was belle de jour (1967)

the good book says dont pay attention to wealth down here

big house

it says its a fools game. that it amounts to nothing. that it fixes nothing. that our treasure is not here but in the kingdom of heaven. that if we like pools and hottubs in winchester square imagine what theyd be like on cloud 9 with marilyn sitting poolside and hendrix strumming from under the cabana

and dean martin mixing the drinks and kurt cobain plucking the mandolin

the good book says that down here we have other goals that we should work on, like helping the poor and being good to each other and reflecting light

not absorbing it.

i am a sinner in so many ways its incredible that im allowed even to walk outside without getting struck by lightning. my mind is a sewer, my heart is unpure, my writings are so filthy i have to put a disclaimer on my collected works

and worst of all i dont think ive ever fully satisfied a woman except that one time a long time ago, but that girl was on drugs and drunk and who knows if she was really telling the truth, although hips dont lie, i suppose.

but today is a new day, a blank slate, and thats what the good lord wants for us all, to know that the reason he forgives sins is so we can move on, unfettered, so we can be better, so we dont think to ourselves oh why even bother im so far behind the 8 ball who cares. well we all care. we all want everyone to do and be better because we are all monkeys in the barrel hoping to get a monkey arm in our face which pulls us up.

tonight imma drive because i gotta pay off these springsteen seats i got which are in the furthest recesses of the night, but im in the building. and id rather be in the nosebleeds in heaven than front row in hell.

millions of years ago dinosaurs rocked the earth

daily nexusi was recently told that things are different for the kids today who get to put out the news at what once was the greatest party school in america.

and it’s true things are different than when i was there.

first of all there was no internet.

imagine that. imagine having to communicate, research, write, record, and arrange


pretty much by hand

with the help of some very slow and expensive computers and photography equipment.

the phones were landlines and i dont recall there even being an answering machine in the office.

all the lines you see on that page were pasted up by hand. each one has a size.

we used rulers and pens and pencils and paper and we always got the paper out. on time. the photographers used film that they had to develop and then print, and yet if there was a large gathering on DP after a big basketball game, where couches were lit on fire and the fire was lit on fire, the story was reported, edited, and published, and the photos were too.

you bet your ass things are different today.

today, if they worked together, the college community along with the paper could take the pictures and report and opine and review and video and sneak over some tips and share it on facebook and and and

but just like the 100th monkey said, you gotta lead by example

if i was back in IV writing for the paper, id set up IV Hall Monitors. a few people on each block whose “job” it was to do simple things like take pictures of the block each week, and be available when and if anything went down of note. id have them all share a group twitter account. you wouldnt have to pay these kind souls.

if you love IV it should be an honor to simply report back on your magical block.

id also be all over periscope in a huge way.

not to mention snapchat.

saw the Martian on weds and the Revenant last night

revenantthe Martian was pretty good. actually really good and im very happy that i saw it before i saw The Revenant because omg

Chibo and Inuerudo and Leo

and mother nature

and Tom Hardy

and that rapey bear

and wow wow wow

i was totally blown away.

i had heard mixed reviews so my expectations were low. which is a great place to be. but through lots of it my mouth was wide open

like wow look how pretty things are and woah whats happening is he gonna die? mama mia.

but when i got into work today some of the people were like me: give them all the oscars

and others were like the critics: meh

and i was like, were you in the same theater as i was? but they were. which shows to go ya: you cant please everyone.

speaking of, my laptop is on its last legs, so if i dont busblog this weekend dont fret, im alive, im just trying to figure out how to fix that bad boy.

sometimes you might feel like climbing the shit house

and sometimes you might feel like walking on top of said houses

and sometimes you might feel like

you know what,

i really should just totally jump

no matter what they say about white men and jumping.

and at that point you should probably ask yourself

have i ever jumped off a shit house before?

this is a lesson i want to put on a tshirt

have i ever jumped off a shit house before?

but something tells me if there was a tshirt that said that

this dude woulda had it

and woulda worn it when he jumped.

30 years ago i was selling tvs in west LA

wall of tvs

how can it be 30 years already?

what have i done with my life?

this was right before i went to ucsb, which means it was before the xbi got their fingers into me

and i was hustling at the tv wall. all the tvs were on the same station so you could “compare” them

which was a giant lie because each tv was getting a slightly different signal based on how close they were to the original source. plus customers would tweak the settings

plus salesmen would tweak the settings.

plus some of the tvs were spanking brand new and others were oooooold.

the space shuttle was about to take off and the couple i was trying to sell to said

hey the space shuttle is about to take off

it was showing on all the tvs. it was history happening. so i shut my trap and we all watched.

it took off, it went up, and then it exploded.

everyone died.

on all the tvs.

in all of our hearts.

my customers were no longer interested in buying any damn tv any more.

and i wasnt interested in selling one neither.

a few months later i quit and started pumping gas in beverly hills.

why? because i was convinced i should help people instead of shaking them down.

she insisted i come to her house and bring a “bandit mask”

masklike a burglar’s mask? i texted

a bandit. a burglar is not sexy, a bandit is.

earlier she had complained that i never wanted to meet her at her palatial residence. she tried to insult my pad. which is impossible. my place is near legendary.

she called it quaint and cozy but not sexy.

i said most of the time peoples eyes are closed, so who cares about all that crap? she said, just bring your bandit mask and a bandit toque and a striped shirt if you have one.

dont worry about capes, she whispered. i have capes.

i wanted to say bitch i got capes too and i bet mines are better’n yours, but ive been lonely and whatever. lets see these fantastic capes of yours.

she was pretty. sorta gorgeous, but like i said, most of the times your eyes are closed so who cares what people look like half the time. nowadays someones voice dont even matter cuz youre texting or emailing or using morse code.

when i got there the lights were off in her house and i thought maybe she got cold feet. or worse it was some weird surprise party or she was gonna have the cops waiting for me. my mind can think of a million scenarios in minutes. mostly bad ones.

i texted “here!” and i heard her clack across her hardwood to the door and swing it open dramatically and pose. she had a nightie, thigh highs, heels and what i guess was her bandit mask which sure as shit didnt look like mine.

she whispered: put yours on before you come in.

whatever. did.

we got to her room and she turned off the lights. i prayed for my soul to keep. and she said, tony, i asked you to wear the mask and the cap and oh crap heres the cape. because i feel like our feelings are often stifled.

i said, nah, i just dont have any.

she said, of course you do sweetie. you love your mother, and the cubs, and… little armenia.

(how did she know what i called my schween?)

yes, i agreed,  but i wouldnt call them feelings. those are just facts.

she said, well i have feelings, and they are stifled, i’ll speak for myself, so i propose we wear these outfits and take on the roles of antony and cleopatra. and speak as if we are simply in a play. no ones feelings will get hurt. neither of us has skin in the game. annnnnd action!

beautiful cleopatra, thank you for inviting me here, i began, singing my lines because thats acting?

yes my dear, she said, perking up, loving it.

but i dont deserve you. your energy, your mind, your neck, the bone beneath your neck, your bra strap, your bra, and what lies beneath your bra

but of course you do, she said, standing, ceiling fan twirling above her despite the fact that we are in winter.

alas, i don’t. for i have not been faithful to you.


it’s true.


i know.


hand me my sword, for i will fall on it.

and she held out an invisible sword.

my invisible sword.

she motioned for me to stop blocking the camera which rested on a tripod.

and i fell on it, and then the upon the fuzzy throw rug, and laid there on my back.

you cant be dead. you cant be dead! she cried.

i said nothing.

seriously you cant be dead, she repeated.

i opened one eye.

you still have a boner, she said pointing

i whispered: thats why they call us stiffs.

and she groaned.

chris and dave and i saw the lakers last night

puigsuper fun

had to use the jedi mind trick on a security guard which was pretty amazing

no, we dont need to show you our tickets

all is fine

you will let us sit there

and afterwards you will say have a great night.

took a Lyft back from the game to the crib.



im not saying it should be $20

but it should be closer to $15.


i tipped the dude $5 but still.

my beer cost more than that.

yasiel puig was at the game, rodman, floyd money mayweather.

everyone wants to see Kobe’s last games, but Kobe was hurt and didnt play. they put a picture of him up on the scoreboard and everyone cheered.

it was a good game. came down to the last second. Dirk Nowitzski, who should also retire soon, made a last second shot.

i had the best chicken mcnuggets as we watched the game.

i know theyre made of boots and diarrhea, but dat hot mustard.

woke up in the middle of the night barfing

jim mcmahon and walter payton

it was one of those things that happens every now and then.

all this bile in my gut rises in my throat and tries to suffocate me in my sleep.

i usually have the most deep, peaceful, black out sleeps.

but every once and a while there’s a disturbance in the force.

a blue moon.

as a wolf howls on top of a berm.

there are two types of people, my murderous puke hissed as it crawled up my windpipe last night

there are people who will never learn, who dont wanna learn, who are losers, who will always be losers, who will fucking always just get in the way, and even when they die it will cause traffic jams

and then there are those who might not get it now, but who try, who will ultimately contribute to the tribe, some sooner than later.

as the frothy bile made its way to the light my head automatically turned away from my window and towards the door

so the puke wouldnt end up in my beautiful waterbed.

so impending death wouldnt stain my silk sheets.

as i woke, i choked, my cats scattered, the christmas lights switched on

and an old man whispered