not everyone gets to keep their bodies when they get sent to here.

tailgaters are sometimes turned into trees. the devil will make them just stand there for a couple hundred years. then maybe turned into a house. then torn down. never burned. that would be too cute. he’d waterlog the wood. warp it. then allow it to float down the river styx back home to be reassigned.

some get turned into bugs. some into animals. some into peoples pets. some get turned into dangerous animals. some get turned into fish.

i used to be afraid of fish and when i got down here and they showed me my file. apparently a long time ago i was sent to hell and then turned into a fish and had to swim around in the dark cold depths of the atlantic for a few dozen years.

a while back i was given a reprieve from whatever i was doing and reassigned as a lightskinned black american male born to a well educated middle class family and raised in the suburbs in the midwest.

later, it seems, the giver of grace was not very happy with what i did with those blessings.

so there i was banging some girl in hell’s sex palace and all of this was dawning on me: life is all context. perspective. compared to contracting stds nightly in the pits of pandemonium, flying chopper one across the skies of hollywood wasnt so bad.

and if i didnt like it, it wasnt like i was some old growth redwood, i could go do something else with my life. i could actually take control of my destiny as opposed to waiting on the universe to decide.

f the universe.

the universe is 2/3s lost souls doing what some guy more lost than them is telling them to do.

the good news was i was getting used to my demonic body. my thing wasnt falling off any more.

the crowd didnt flamethrow me as much any more. usually they waited until the end when i wasnt looking. then they all laughed and then applauded my incinerated smoking remains.

that night i went to bed and before i fell asleep i heard a still soft voice.

tony it said.

yes?

today is the last day of the year.

it is?

yes, do you know what that means down here?

no, i dont.

it means that you can be judged again.

it does?

yes, are you sorry for what you did to get here?

yes i am.

do you think youve learned some valueable things here?

oh yes. definately.

do you think youd make a better person if you were given another chance?

oh yes! yes i would!

and then i woke up.

still in hell.

it was just a dream.

and then my dirty rag of a pillow said.

nobody gets out of hell.

dumbass.

– pages 73-74 from How To Blog

the detox + jaime + shelley

of Jesusland during the birth of their so-called savior.

so-called because their savior seems to have something to do with red suits and trees and concepts like holidays.

last month we were pummelled with the idea that the morals of this country were being regained, that the Christian right had returned to take whats theres and lead this nation out of the hands of hedonistic hollywood and back where it belonged – the bosom of traditional family values.

everyone was all, dudes cant get married, we must preserve the sanctity of marriage, and my question to all of them who cockblocked loving americans who simply wanted the same rights as others is

where is the movement trying to defend the sanctity of Christmas?

i’ll tell you where it is, it’s nowhere, because the red-state Jesusland maybemajority is nothing but political hoo-ha created to keep minorities and gays down and republicans in office.

it has never been about Christianity or morals or the bible or spirituality.

there is as much hope of getting Christ back into Christmas as getting Jesus back into Jesusland: zip.

why? because republicans couldnt give a flying fuck about the bible or Christ or church or heaven or loving their neighbors, let alone loving their enemies.

therefore ho ho ho jethro merry christmas i mean happy holidays, what did you give me, this is what i gave you.

Jesusland allegedly re-elected their Christian brother even though there isn’t anything Christlike about this administration other than we thought it died after the last iraq invasion but alas it rose from the dead and now it feels like it will live forever.

where is the Jesusland outrage at the destruction of our messiah’s birthday? where are the complaints that the only tv special that i see coming up is National Geographic’s two hour deal based upon the unbiblical fantasy best seller The DiVinci Code that speculates that Jesus was married, had sex, and made babies.

seems to me if theyre pissed off about gays getting hitched, theyd certainly be a little hot under the collar about some yahoo saying that Jesus got hitched

but no, they sit there and they read the novel from cover to cover and they watch the tv show and wait for the movie.

happy festivus!

more egg nog?

fuck jesusland. fuck so called Christians who pretend to love God in the polling booth but let his name get X’ed out during the holidays and gangbanged by santa claus.

watch as they hide behind their children as they kick howard stern off the air and blur out tv shows and yet THEY are the ones who buy billions of dollars in toys and cards and decorations and trees and mistletoe and so-and-so that have nothing to do at all with the fact that two thousand years ago a Jewish couple slept in shit on a cold winter’s night and gave birth to God.

and when we say that the red states are ignorant godless sheep, tools of karl rove, hateful of their homosexual brothers and sisters, fearful of their suburbs being anything other than lillywhite havens for consumerism and palbum

xmas ’04 is xactly what we’re talking about.

if you want people to believe you when you say that youre proud of this being a Christian country then i dare you to take down your fucking tree youre fucking graven images of kringle and put the little baby jesus on your lawns where he belongs.

cuz right now he sure as shit aint in yr hearts.

Macy’s kills Christmas + FL church ad gets heat for saying Christmas + red/blue Christmas

is a big deal to me. it might be impossible to explain but who knows, it might not.

the general idea is to try to remain yourself and not a tool for someone and not a whore for something and not a victim to small-time greed.

simply put, remain yourself no matter what.

for example, when this thing all started nobody conceived of ads on blogs. blogs were simply devices to get chicks to send you dirty pictures. just because you can throw some filthy ad on your blog and make a few extra bucks doesnt mean that you really should.

im sure johnny rotten could get visa to pay him to wear their logo but i would feel differently about him if he did.

keeping it real also means to communicate in an honest way no matter what.

when nobody is paying you, when youre not anyones bitch, you can say anything.

you know why the instapundit never says anything bad about the republicans. cuz hes their bitch.

theres no other explaination for it.

you know youve sold out when you cant say exactly what you want to say on your own blog. people say that blogs dont have editors… the sellouts certainly have editors – their sponsors.

and its the worst sort of editors, the unspoken ones.

personally i dont ever want to be anyones bitch. maybe its because im black. maybe its because im a proud american. maybe its because freedom to me is everything.

and it might also be because money doesnt own me, i own money.

i have a fucked up job that pays me shit, but im good at it, and it allows me enough positive opportunities that it has been worth it. plus im solving crimes.

but the tradeoff is i cant afford a car.

fine, no car means that each month im not just squeaking by.

i would much rather not have a car than have ads and somehow be someones bitch.

i have one ad. that credit report ad. the dude paid me up front via paypal and all i had to put up was five words.

and whats ridiculous is those five words own me until march. in a bizarre way i have to have this blog up until then or i have to give back some of the money.

i hate that.

i might not ever have ads again because of that.

ultimately i dont ever want to get close to the temptation of any selling out because i want my readers to believe me when i say things. and when youre someones bitch you shouldnt be trusted and odds are youre not telling the whole story so fuck you.

this era that we’re living in is amazing in that we can reach hundreds of thousands of intelligent people all over the world.

given that opportunity and then squandering it on contrived bullshit would be a tragedy in my opinion.

and i will continue to do everything i can to avoid it

even if im misunderstood in the process.

here are some people who have kept it real: dylan, neil young, bukowski, johnny rotten, gg allin, spike lee, hunter thompson, bill murray, spike jones, the beastie boys, howard stern, sandy koufax, snoop dogg, eminem, prince, jd salinger, larry flynt, harry caray, angus and malcom young, william hung, simon cowell, jim rome, bill maher, emily dickinson, kurdt kobain, sonic youth, tom waits, the sopranos, al sharpton, rivers, tsar, lynda barry, raymi, danielle, karisa, and vincent gallo.

im an author + chokey chicken + gorilla mask + fc bearded