for one, i know who captain kangaroo is, and i know what a loss it is for him to have died today.

adios, captain kangaroo. tell mr. greenjeans hi for me.

i have several dream jobs. one of them is to tour around the usa and blog and meet all of you.

another dream job would be to win the lottery and put it all on black in vegas and with the winnings buy the chicago cubs baseball team and be their manager and lead them to an overdue world series victory. duh.

but my most secret of all dreams is to have a morning chidrens tv show similar to what the good captain had except it would feature live bands.

so i would so something like show a cartoon, come back from it and say, oh man deputy dog, god i love that cartoon, ok kids and now behind curtain number 8 is … GREEN DAY!

and they would rock out for a few minutes and we’d break for commercial.

im thinking the show would be the Cartoon Network’s answer to the Today show.

thats what im thinking.

over my little chair would hang three photographs of childrens programming

mr. ray rayner, my idol

mr. fred rogers, rest in peace

and captain kangaroo

who i hope is listening to some new hendrix tunes tonight.

as you know, i know people of all walks of life.

i even know some Market Researchers.

recently one of them asked if i had any young toronto, nyc, or mtl readers, and i was all, duh.

so she asked if she could put this proposition in my blog and i was all, of course

so here it is

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am looking for people to let me and some researcher/co-workers TAG ALONG with them.

We are looking for the following people:

* Someone to TAG ALONG with on a night out with friends (you get $175 and one of your friends will get $50!)

* Someone to TAG Along with before and after a sporting event � for example, maybe you have a soccer game that we can talk to you before and after (you get $175!)

* Someone to TAG ALONG with during a study group or club meeting � for example, with you and your study buddies the night before an exam, or maybe a book club meeting (you get $175 and one friend gets $50!)

* Someone to TAG ALONG with on a date � don�t worry, not a FIRST date! But how about something relatively new, something in the first month of a relationship (your date will get $50!)

In order to qualify, you must live in New York City or Toronto and you must be between the ages of 16 and 22 (unless you live in Toronto- you can be as old as 25).

Please keep in mind that we would like each of these TAG ALONGS to take place during the last week of January.

We are also looking for one person in Montreal between the ages of 16 and 21 to make a 25 minute unedited documentary for us! This documentary is due to us by Tuesday, January 27th, so let me know if you are interested ASAP! This job pays $150!!!

If you or anyone you know fits any of the descriptions above, please email me at this secret email addy.

Thanks!

Liana

is that most of us dont know which part of africa our forefathers are from.

me, i’m hoping i am a descendant of the country of Ghana who have recently been known for their creative approaches to coffins (pictured).

you only get buried once, hopefully, and when my time comes i definitely want to get put in something other than a plain olde pine box.

when i was a kid i used to draw coffins. different coffins. the one i decided that i wanted was a big red one that had a white bow around it. as if it was a present to the good Lord, in hopes that he would accept me into the promised land.

i was an odd child.

i have seen Kiss introduce their coffins, and folks from new zealand design colorful caskets, but nothing matches the ingenuity and whimsy of my brethren from the mothaland.

karisa came over last night but before she did she called and said she was at the package store and asked me what sort of beer she wanted to bring over.

i told her it all depended on what we were gonna have for supper.

she said she was thinking about kfc.

after i told her that i loved her

deeply

i thought of the great good luck i had that such a good friend was coming to my house with a twelve pack of the high life and a bucket of extra crispy for my undeserving ass.

and this morning i realized that i want to be buried in a giant kfc bucket.

made by the hands of my brothers in ghana.

we watched re-runs of surreal life and talked about the super bowl.

it was magical.

she ate a ton of chicken

and somehow she keeps a very nice shape.

so ive been told.

i didnt look at her all night.

happy one year blog birthday BUNNIE!

hi tony.

whatcha doin?

growing.

yeah.

what cha doing?

trying to think of something to write.

why dont you tell us how great it is to live in hollywood california

nah

youre a nice young single man. healthy. smart. funny. rich. brave. handsome. hung. im sure you have some stories to tell.

god i love you Internet.

come on, tell us how warm it is there today!

i did wear a flannel. but yeah, i guess it was warm.

see! now tell us about something fun that happened there today. in hollywood. land of celebrities and rock stars.

hmmm.

surely something fantastically glamorous happened that you would want to share with the blogosphere. come now.

stars.. hmm. i dont want to say nothing happened great. maybe it did. i have a terrible memory…

you’re letting me down, bro.

i almost got hit by a jaguar this morning.

see, thats good! what year?

it was new. dealers plates.

oh… the ones that look like tauruses?

no no, this was from beverly hills jaguar, it was big and fancy.

Perfect tony Perfect!

yeah.

although, maybe you should have let him hit you.

it was a woman driving.

whatever, you woulda gotten rich!

dont they just pay for your broken legs or whatever?

pain and suffering, bro. pain and suffering!

shit.

i know!

shit.

i know

my fortune today said you will be rich and famous. fucker. pretty girl smiled at me. work was hard. lunch was fast. barely had any time even to take one fifteen minute break and i have this thing in my head that says that if i cant finish the work that somehow it was my fault. people have capacities too. dont we? you cant put a gallon and a half of milk into a gallon jug. and if you do you dont blame the jug.

sick thing is i love the fact that this job is so impossibly hard, so thankless, and so low paying.

i love it because the whole time my fro is as big as it can be, im wearing my corvids tshirt, im getting smiled at by the pretty girls, and my savings account just gets larger and larger, slowly, and the people who dont want me happy can only shrug while under their breath call me a fucking dumbass.

they watch me climb on the bus and i whisper who’s the dumbass now and i show the driver my monthly pass.

and old death is whistling at me from down a super long dark hallway with his come hither finger saying youre only getting older when are you going to grow up sellout and be mine and the oriental rugged floor sprinkled with opened condom wrappers athletic socks and newspapers says was someone speaking i swear i coulda heard someone say something ridiculously ignorant

lets change the world says the lamp

on the maxims

next to the greasy

knocked over

bucket

of extra crispy kfc

chickens

mike ro soft + mike rowe soft + pooh

theres been some disturbances in the hollywood metro area that the xbi may or may not have been involved in. so i havent had a chance to write and say hi.

hi.

and as we were breaking for a late lunch my buddy back at the home base patched me into my favorite channel E! who was doing a live breaking news thing telling the world that Ben and Jen have officially called it quits.

excuse me, fuck ben and jen

hes no actor hes a pretty boy east coast welch wanna-be masshole sally who is only getting some of the sweetest ass in film because of his girlfriend matt damon.

and she got dirty with puffy and eminem and that dancer dude and now this guy?

come.on j.lo

w.t.f.girl

jennifer lopez has the world in the palm of her hand. she can sing she can dance she can act well enough to be an actor. shes hot. she can do it all.

she might even be bilingual.

she can do far better than benlo who goes to strip shows before his socalled wedding.

and he might be gay.

which theres nothing wrong with, but im just saying.

why is he gay? cuz he had j and he didnt say yes when he coulda. like hes gonna get anything better. like he deserves anything bettter. like he gets uptight that his woman has a bigger pair than he does.

i got two words for you bengay,

daredevil.

im glad they broke up.

i just hope it isnt a huge fakeout so they can go get married in bermuda when nobodys lookin.

mc brown is ready for his closeup + welch + eonline

i do. why wouldnt i? sure youre a fuck up, and sometimes mean. and sometimes impatient and stubborn and fugly and dumb and anxious and talentless and dull, but hi, who do you think youre talking to?

i bowled today loved ones. i bowled my damn ass off and i got drunk. im in a traveling xbi league. this week we played at an alley in santa monica where the rat pack used to hang out in, upstairs, who have bottles of bud that looks like bowling pins. a lane karisa and her roommate and i bowled at many moons ago and where i once took a date when i was 18 and new to cali.

three games we played and they had a little thing going on where if the head pin was red during the third game and you rolled a strike they would buy a round for your team.

well, the xbi might be a group of cynical reckless overtalented superheroes who have lost the will to give a fuck, but we like to bowl. we had about 30 people there representing. and our group was a little slower than the others and we could hear this group and that group cheer and gasp when someone on their team had a chance for the free round and either got it or didnt do it.

the team we were up against were former crips from long beach. they had none of the fundamentals that are so necessary for a good score. but one of the wonderful things about bowling is that on any given frame, anyone can get a lucky strike.

anyone.

and sure enough, bro gangbanger named smurf, who slopped his way through two subpar games hiked up his sean jean baggy shorts and his team watched him and he stumbled to the line and then over it and the ball curved slightly and

erruption.

free beer for the lbc.

it was nice.

i started with a 117 but that was only cuz the homies brought this tight little thing who had a back shelf you could put your boom box on if you wanted to listen to the lakers win.

second game i got four strikes in a row and then laid off to coast into a 171.

respect is everything.

third game second frame there it was for me

red head pin.

i was using two balls, just like how the pros roll

i had my 8 pound gold beauty lane ball that i paid $20 for at the eagle rock lanes.

i was also with my 11 pound real ball that i “won” off pioneer spiffs when i used to sell tvs at sears.

that one was blue.

old blue was reliable and strong but in order to prevent soreness in my pitching arm ive been using the girlie gold’n which youd think would be pleasurable to whip down the lane like a maniac but in truth its (lack of) weight allowed it to be soft tossed half way down the lane for remarkable accuracy since very little rolling was involved and therefore less chance of change of direction.

basically you were playing darts or bozo buckets.

171, bitches, and it coulda been 2 if i hadnt been completely showing up hardened south central gang members in front of their heavilly drinking

and losing

brothers

so there was the red pin and i got the gold ball and tossed it far and they all went down

except one.

fuck

r

i had fun. we all had fun. i think our team was winning. whatever.

seventh frame there was that red pin again.

everyone gathered round and the thing is you had to get the lane manager to watch to verify it and that took forever and i was holding the ball and i was losing my buzz but if theres one thing i love its pressure.

got the old big ball cuz they say that the light ones dont give you the pin action and the heavier ball didnt ever feel heavy tonight

and it started on the right and it slurved to the left and hit the head pin on the left and they went down

and the cheering was great

and the man asked for my drink

and bar rum is one thing but bowling alley rum

it didnt matter though

and now i love you.

dehumidifier + capt. scurvy + spitcircle + and vanmega made a bowling photo essay

thats all i gotta say about that.

hot chick had plans to paint her nails with her best friend tonight.

its tough.

talked on the phone a bunch tonight when i got home. only ate a tv dinner. chicken parmasian. cost a buck. i worked twelve hours today. lots of people do at the xbi.

im getting tired of it.

if you knew how little i got paid youd think so little of me.

and then if you saw what i did for it, your mind would be blown.

i keep thinking what job i could have that would be better and i think any job would be better. then i think what job would hire me and i think

nobody would hire me.

i got a ride home today cuz it was so late and i passed a school and i thought, school teachers arent still at school till nine pm and i thought sure they are, theyre grading homework and shit.

but our youth is what its all about, isnt it?

what if our president had actually been raised right? what if he had even one really good teacher that could have taught him that you cant get on tv and say

“this economy is strong and getting stronger”

when youre in the midst of the biggest deficit of all time.

i hear the voices of my old teachers all the time.

sadly i hear the voices of the bad ones too.

maybe we dont make the difference in the planet that we wish we could, but in little ways we do make a difference.

george bush is a fucking retard and look at the little differences he makes.

some dumb numbers + welch + layne

and canaduh. and the rest of the free world. i know, f the free world. what movie was that from. i just saw it again this weekend and now im forgettting it. momento. i have the worst momento.

but you know what i remember? i remember deals. and i had a deal with some people and most of them have kept their sides of the bargain and some are in the process of keeping and when those are done then new bargains can be put in place. how hard is that? seriously?

one thing im not so crazy about this generation is that people dont want to live by their word. and they want to try to boss people around. and they fight dumb fights and they fight them dumb. me, i hardly fight. some loooove to fight. omg do they ever. some love fighting so much that they enter into things that arent even fights just so i will pay attention to them. well those people should just chill cuz im not gonna pay attention to them cuz i barely have time to pay attention to the nice people, why should i waste whatever time i do have on the dumb? riddle me that. f the free world. still i dont know what movie that is.

people call me on the phone. i barely have any time to talk. people chat with me on the chat. some nice people. i dont have any time for them. some email me. some i actually get. i do my best to email them back. i dont lack time because im some super cool stud boy. i lack time because i get pulled at from all sides. i cant even catch up. do you have any idea what people think i am? they think i am something that im not. but i try to live up to it and its rough. especially when i am trying to be a good person. and to be honest kids, sometimes being good means living by example and being the epitome. and sometimes being good means keeping people to their word and i never told anyone exactly When i was going to live up to my end of the bargain but i did imply it would happen before the first issue came out and that issue isnt out yet so im still good so those people need to chill. unless they want to be considered something negative.

i dont want to consider anyone someone negative. i want to believe that the only bad people in the world are bad people. i want to think that people who share similar interests etc can see things for what they are: dumb. and that life aint nothing but bitches and money, but some people are so fake sensitive that they wouldnt even let you get away with that and you know what i say to those people. you know what i say to those people. i say f the free world to those people.

i dont like it when people who used to like me and what i write and would tell people to read me suddenly overnight draw up campaigns to try to fuck my shit. i dont like it when hangers on hang on to the negative. i dont like it when people who cant even pee straight come into my house and piss all over the floor because theyre not getting what they want at that time. heres what i suggest to them, if theyre not just attention whores jealous and angry that ten times the people read my shit than read their shit, they should then chill. as in chilly chill as in shut it as in cut it out as in clam up as in ixnay on the bullshitay.

or they can keep it up and be painted as phonies who really just want the attention that they cant get on their own shit.

but heres something that the people wont tell them but i will because i am not the evil empire that they want to pretend that i am. i am here to tell them that they can get the attention on their own shit if theyd only write and write and write and write and write on their shit. and work at it. and quit whining all the time and quit acting like theyre acting. i didnt get what i have here by putting comments on peoples pages. i got what i got here by typing words on my page.

if you dont want to type words on your page, write for lick.

just like you said you would.

which is why your name and link is up there.

and you know it. and the movie is called eight mile.

meanwhile i heart fragrant and wish she wrote more + treacher