being able to marry a hot blonde supermodel?

no. no, there isnt.

especially when hes as black as can be. and especially when shes as white as can be.

what makes it so great is it wasnt all that long ago when a black man could barely look at a white girl here in america, let alone marry her, so congratulations on your engagement, seal, and heidi klum.

today at the xbi we had a suprise baby shower for a woman named heidi who everyone loves.

she walked into the meeting room and maybe 35 people were in there and we yelled suprise! which is a scary thing to do here cuz when you startle even the pregnant agents gunplay is sure to follow.

fortunately someone disarmed her before she was escorted to the conference room

the door flung open and she just backed away in tears.

so beautiful.

so sweet.

then we made her cut the cake for everyone.

me and john woo got her a $50 gift certificate for marie callanders cuz we figured that 6-7 pies while youre pregnant is a good gift for both mommy and baby, but what do we know.

while we were eating cake a hot chick told me that she liked my last post. shocked, because not many people at work know about this blog, i was all, huh

i have the worst memory

apparently she had told me a while ago that she read this thing. she refreshed my memory and told me that she too has a blog.

i was all, great, let me link it, thanks to mr stand by me trek i have hella hits happening me right now

she was all, nah, my thing is just a personal blog of blah blah blah today i went shopping.

i was all, dude, do you think the busblog is any different?

she was all, but you write so well.

flattery will get you everywhere

i gave her my cake and promised that id link her whenever she wanted.

its all i had to give, sadly.

laker girl photo essay starring seal from 2001 + kitty bukkake + mist

fuck you. this is why people steal.

there was nothing better last night than hearing the entire Orange Bowl boo ashlee simpson.

nobody cares that 3 million kids bought her cd. nobody cares that her sister is a baloney headed mostly hot bleach blonde. nobody cares that she actually sang this time.

boo.

and as much as that orange bowl crowd were booing her they were booing you. you who wouldnt know real music if it annulled your gay marriage.

you have done everything you could do for ashlee. you got her an mtv show that nobody liked. you got her on saturday night live which everyone loved because it showed her/you for what the industry is (fraudulent), and now you got her singing at halftime during the biggest college football game of the year.

youve done your job, youve moved your units

boo.

how about bringing the world what it wants. rock music. people who can sing. people who can play guitars. people who actually make music.

you dont think that if you got a real band a show on mtv that it would move some fucking units?

you dont think if you got that band on snl and they smashed their guitars and gangbanged horatio sans that it might increase sales?

you dont think if you got a true rock band on the 50 yard line during the BCS Bowl that the entire stadium would omg cheer?

fuck you record industry. purveyor of schmaltz. sugar pusher of audio cavities from spineless teensluts who DONT PUT OUT.

and three baggers like ashlee deserved to be booed until she gets it.

if there was a way to boo you, record industry trust us, we would.

and in hell you will be forced to listen to what you shat our way.

elgin roots + george must go + rock n roll n word

I wrote about this in my blog this weekend, but I thought it was interesting

enough to email you about.

My friend, Susannah, is putting together an art book about secrets and she

needs contributions. Surely, amidst all your travels, you must have a secret

or two that needs unburdening….

Fidel

++++++++

Dear Fidel,

the great thing about having a blog with a disclaimer like “nothing in here is true” is you can tell your secrets while hiding in plain sight.

no im not 111 years old (older), yes i work at the xbi.

yes i ride the bus to work, no im not as dashing in person as i appear in those photographs on fleshbot.

i will however tell you something entirely truthful that you may not know. im totally sentimental.

for example, i have been out of high school for some time now. i have moved from illinois to la to santa barbara back to la to frisco and then back to la and the whole time i took all of my high school yearbooks with me.

and then today, out of the blue, i get a cd in the mail.

i put it in my boombox but it wouldnt play, so i put it in the computer and it turned out it was a dvd!

and there on this very same computer monitor that i now type to you, i saw my high school years slo motion in front of me.

like most people, my high school years were incredibly awkward. i had zits, i was the only one of 4-5 black kids in the school, i was in marching band, but somehow i was reasonably popular. i was even the mc for the talent show.

but still, i have been back to illinois since high school a total of maybe five times total and im telling you, i graduated a loooooooooooooong time ago.

and ive never been to a reunion.

but after they showed a bunch of slideshows of pictures from the high school days – during which i automatically yelled out the names of people like OMG FRANK PASTORIO! and other random names that have never been forced to recall for ages, they all came flooding back to me.

and then i saw a picture of a girl who kissed me on the cheek once at the roller rink and i nearly fell over

chris resko.

and she looked awesome.

as did so many people.

and this fucking dvd went on for an hour. and i kept yelling out names and pointing at the screen and squinting at the nametags on pictures from reunions and i was all holy shit i Never met her or

holy fuck ROBBIE ROBINSON!

and the crazy thing is i never cry. maybe thats a secret. but i dont. the xbi rips that right outta you. but i had already cried once tonight before i even got to my mail.

and there i was with led zeppelin playing and then weezer and then the police

and i looked at the envelope and there was no return address and i looked back inside the cd case and there were no notes or leaflets. nothing.

but then at the verrry end there was a picture of the football hero and i believe a cheerleader – either a cheerleader or a pom pom girl – and she has his last name and it was they who put it together.

and man am i grateful.

in the hour of slide show pictures and film reels of the football team and the lancettes i appeared twice, my friend. yes.

i wont say our school was rich, but it certainly wasnt poor. so somehow even though we were in the suburbs of illinios, we had a ski club.

now there werent really any mountains anywhere near us. but there was michigan and michigan had these cliffs. so youd take your winter finals and there would be a bus waiting for you outside of school and youd get on the bus minutes after your test and theyd drive the ski club to michigan and we’d stay overnight(!) a few days in fucking michigan where the bus would drop you off and youd ski down the cliff and the lift would bring you back up top.

so one of the pics was of me on the ski club bus with my tongue sticking out cuz i cant believe how awesome it is that im going to michigan with tons of hot girls and close friends.

and the other picture was on graduation day with one of my best friends julie van who i loved very deeply all through school who i believe is married to a steer rancher or the governor or someone.

and one day later i would be in LA.

and when i left illinois i never really looked back.

until tonight

as nelly played and then ac/dc

tom waits

and rush.

and if they can sucker monica troesken to go to our next one, i’ll be there.

cuz finally i look half as good as those motherfuckers.

rick abbott + zulieka + splinky

im not a huge fan of Blog awards. probably cuz i never win. and also probably because theyre glorified popularity contests.

with that said, i am always thrilled to be nominated, as cheesy as that sounds.

to be nominated, as i currently am, alongside Mr. Wil Wheaton, Dooce, Zach Braf, and Real Live Preacher (and others who i am unfamiliar with) is a huge honor. especially in the category of “Best Big-Name Blog”.

(until i break the technorati top 100 i will have a hard time considering myself a big-named blogger.)

anyway, a dear reader suggested that i let everyone know that i am nominated for a BOB

and another reader asked me to let people know that i can be nominated for the 2005 Bloggies

and you know i love to fulfil requests when ever possible.

if i do win, all prizes, monies, backrubs will be donated to charity, so vote or dont vote, all that matters to me is that you, the reader, are happy with what you see on this blog every day. to me thats recognition enough.

Tsar plays tomorrow night at King King in Hollywood in Hollywood Blvd near highland

blogging will be light today as i am about to go to the dentist for some major work guaranteed to make me look like less of a dope

on the busblog

10/1 hi october

10/1 the day i pitched my brilliant idea and they were all, nah

10/2 sixth funniest picture of the year

10/3 racing and rolling and twisting and coming and digging and rocking and whining and running. she and her best friend she and her girl friend she and her stick pin she and her whip ing. she said im here i said good she said im turning i said good. said im drunk i said good. said im ready said you wish.

boom went her jet pack zip went her full back snap went the garters cha sneezed the sleestack.

there was banging and smashing and clattering and flattering. i saw hairflings and backflips and handprints and noserings. i smelled candies and passion and candles and beer. i tasted butterscotch and chocolate and teenage lust and fear.

10/4 she calls me cuz she wants me. i answer cuz i want her too. life isn’t that easy though. life is all about these stupid little corners that we paint ourselves into.

life is all about worrying more about how things look if we do something as opposed to doing the things that we want and being honest with the people around us.

10/4 ev retires at 26

10/5 “how to vote” gets turned into a short film!

10/5 yes, i have the hottest lawyer in LA

10/5 they’re cracking, america.

in the wake of getting his retarded ass kicked last week by sen. kerry in the debate, today the bush administration announced that the president will have a speech with the nation on wednesday to set the record straight.

which pretty much is a vote of no confidence in the vice president who is scheduled to debate sen. edwards in a few hours.

10/6 dick gets shafted in the vp debates, claims he had never met edwards. instapundit somehow finds people who still say he won, and, omg, links them!

10/6 the busblog sells out

10/6 rodney dangerfield dies

10/6 the Chief US weapons inspector, on assignment from the white house writes a 1,000 page report saying that iraq had no weapons of mass destruction since the early 90s, and weren’t making any.

right wing blogs respond by saying, “uh.”

instapundit does what he normally does when theres bad news for his boys: clams up. clammed up about the debates too, especially when bloggers produced pictures of cheney and edwards at a couple of events together.

10/7 i promise to anna that i wont make any more fun of her and her gay fiance.

10/7 howard stern announces that he will move to Siris radio

10/7 hot pic of danielle being hot

10/8 the best political photo essay of all time

10/9 dumb quiz that wasnt so dumb

10/9 she came over and got ready and changed the sheets to clean ones and filled the sink with rose petals and girlie scents spinkled the hallway with moonshadows and lipstick traces. had lasagne baking in a stove unused since years back when jeanine and chris made redneck maccaroni with velveta and trader joes wheat noodles.

10/10 lost, the tv show, review

10/10 the month of libra

10/11 superman dies

10/11 blogging.la and laist.com fight. its funny.

10/11 the mission accomplished sign causes bushie more problems. nobody cares.

10/12 vote for change concert review

10/12 exclusive interview with karisa right before the famous redsox/yankees playoff series

10/12 britney wears my Seize The Ass cap that i got her for kwanza

10/13 the busblog readers help me with law problems

10/14 every major poll had kerry winning the debates. one blogger said he lost. i’ll give you two hundred thousand guesses as to who that pundit was.

10/14 bill o’reilly gets caught with his pants down and with his penis-shaped vibrator a-buzzin

10/14 jim gilliam creates The O’Sexxxy Factor

10/15 gays defend kerry for bringing up the fact that the vp’s daughter is gay. cuz it is, you know, a fact.

10/16 yet another interview

10/17 jon stewart gets on crossfire and calls bullshit on everyone

10/17 my visit to danielles new oasis

10/18 the instapundit finally admits to the world that he is biased, voting for bush, and prickly when pushed. ends by telling me to sod off in his three-point disclaimer that he has since buried cuz hes ashamed to admit that hes a repub.

while waiting for the bus, i rebut with 15 other points that he should have added to his list, in the name of transparency.

i win.

10/19 the attention brings about so many questions about blogging + partisanship & bias that i answer my dear readers’ question in my public forum. like good bloggers often do.

10/19 a reader sums up the whole thing far better than i ever could.

10/20 the washington post prints my rebutal to the instapundit.

i told you, i won.

10/20 pre-write of game 7 between the sox and the yannks

10/20 how to leave a comment

10/22 WHO KNEW IT WAS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY?

10/22 IT’S ALSO MY BIRTHDAY

10/22 FLAGRANT CELEBRATES BY BIRTH WITH A KICKASS PHOTO ESSAY FROM THAILAND

10/22 a hot chick who i wanna get with tells me to knock it off with the all caps.

10/24 presidential recommendations. i let people know im voting for nader

10/24 party pics from my bday

10/25 yes i have the greatest friends

10/25 snl you ignorant slut

10/26 me and wil wheaton become the best friends ever

10/26 50 bands that snl should hire instead of ashlee simpson

10/27 howard stern suprises michael powell with a phone call

10/28 1. why do sexy chicks put the crucifix between their tits

2. why do people tell me that id get more hits if id capitalize. why does every woman think shes fat. why does every man think hes gotta be a millionaire superhero knowitall genius

10/27 red sox reverse the curse

10/28 the case against california’s three strikes law

10/28 the face of the republican party

10/28 an expert at nasa says bush was wired

10/29 kimmmmmmmmy

10/29 some love from Canada

10/30 we were getting shot at today. a saturday!

i hardly ever have to work saturdays and here i was on the wrong side of an assault rifle.

in my earpeice during some silence my partner whispered:

why dont you ever say how fucking fucked up this xbi shit is on your gayass fucking fucked up fucking baaaa-looooooooog.

and i thought about it and i just shrugged my shoulders and picked off a perp on the roof above a dumpster who

tumbled

into the garbage,

conveniently.

10/30 even osama disses our president

10/31 courtney love & juliette lewis concert review

guiness and poker + krix + verbungle + how to whine

on the busblog

9/1 the bush twins speak at the rnc convention. and then never ever again.

9/2 tony, you ignorant slut

9/2 zell miller challenges america to a duel

9/3 the metafilter kids pick apart sen miller

9/3 charlies 23rd birthday

9/4 why the cubs should fire their announcers. (many months later they took me up on my advice)

9/6 why the trend for ads on every blog is bad

9/7 id work for her. id pick her up and driver around in the wee hours of the night time.

if she didnt want to talk then we wouldnt talk. if she said lets just listen to mr kfi then id listen to mr kfi. if she said god this sucks dont you have any music, i would plug my ipod into the aux jack and give her 6,000 songs worth including full episodes of howard commersh free.

9/7 the vice president isnt afraid to say it, “vote for me or die, fuckers.”

america responds with a terrified, “mmmm kay.”

9/8 bad day for bush: world says they dont want him, gay repubs say they dont want him, military record questioned

9/9 raymi returns

9/9 karisa’s nfl preview

9/10 lots of people want me to run for president. i dont blame em.

9/12 hero movie review

9/12she said why do you believe in God

i said i dont know.

9/13 how to vote

9/13 beastie boys pre-write

9/13 biggest issue i have with the current administration is that they seem to want us to live the lives of the pussy ass bitches

instead of setting the tone as the courageous american leaders that we are.

the typical cycle of mundane human existence is generally (1) fight for what you want, (2) get it, (3) and then hold on to it as tightly and fearfully as you can.

rodents follow the same patterns.

enlightened human beings who chose to actually live their lives can shed their natural inclinations and say to themselves,

“oh look how far i made it actually working for what i have… i dont need to live in a place of fear that some lesser creature can steal what i have and leave me with zero forever.”

courageous people know that they can just yank back what was rightfully theirs.

today i invite you to yank back your courage, america.

9/14 beastie boys concert review

9/14 rarely do i vent on my blog. this is the exception.

9/15 interview with my favorite magazine, Black Webmaster

9/16 dear avril,

9/16 another ramone gone

9/17 dear mom,

9/20 jason ross wins an emmy

9/20 how to make the emmys better

9/21 family bonds hbo premiere review

9/21 how to avoid getting raped in jail

9/22 interview with my home computer

9/22 big brother season premiere review

9/22 always tell the truth in job interviews

9/22 more answering machine messages

9/22 calling out dusty baker

9/23 jon stewart meets bill o’reilly

9/23 handwritten note on my door

9/23 star wars: battlefronts improvement ideas

9/24 pixies live at the greek theatre review

9/24 20 questions we wish they would ask the president at the debates. here are some examples:

6. How has your presidency compared to Clinton’s?

7. NBC news has reported that before the Iraq war you passed on three opportunities to attack the terrorist camps of Al Qaeda terrorist Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, who was based in the areas of Iraq that were not controlled by Saddam. Why did you not attack these camps when you had the chance, considering that he is now responsible for hundreds of terrorist attacks against our forces in Iraq?

8. “Mr. President, in July of 2003 you said if anyone wanted to attack our troops in Iraq, they should bring it on. In March of this year you appeared at a reporters’ dinner and ran a video in which you jokingly stumbled around your office looking for weapons of mass destruction. Can you explain this behavior to the families who have lost loved ones in Iraq?”

9. Mr. Bush, what is 6 times 9?

9/24 something in here is true

9/25 should a man express his emotions on the web? anywhere online for that matter. or even on a personal journal of mysterious things?

perhaps we should experiment.

9/26 much love to the LA blogosphere

9/27 fine, the instapundit claims to be a moderate. great. if anyone can show me one day in the Instapundit’s illustrious career, where he spent one day spending more time criticising the Bush administration more than attacking the left

or if one can show me one time when the Instapundit criticized President Bush three posts in a row, then i will quit calling bullshit on his “but im a moderate” claims.

9/27 review of the tonight show’s 50th anniversary episode

9/28 meesh writes us after a loooong time away

9/28 ripoff fest at the lobster fest

9/28 raymi writes in

9/29 why jay leno shouldnt have fucked over david letterman

9/29 s.e. hinton meets her biggest fan

jarret house north + gus mueller + jack bog + gaping void

on the busblog

8/1 what the busblog would look like if i was a real blogger

8/2 kissing while on a skateboard

8/2 how i spent my summer vacation by kristin pony

8/3 danielle in front of her rolls

8/3 6. FAVORITE SMELL? tie: pot at concerts, incense in church

8/4 the day danielle got stung by a bee (photo essay)

8/5 kate sullivan writes about the loduca trade

8/6 the night i met steph and lola

8/7review of outfoxxed

8/9 all-night summer drink session with blair and welch

8/9 the day danielle went jogging in an area that said beware west nile virus.

and then she got the flu.

8/10 i admit, i dated a cuban girl for uno momento,

8/10 jim gilliam performs the first quicktime fisking.

mr. bill o’reilly is the not-so-innocent victim

8/11 the day i got my ipod (photo essay)

8/11 even more answering machine messages from my very own answering machine

8/12 trying to get beastie boys tickets

8/14 the night i was given love potion

8/15 fcc chairman michael powell receives a drunken comment on his blog. he never blogs again.

8/15 norah jones was on and i wanted to ask her if it was on because she thought it was sexy or because it is sexy or because she thought i might think it was sexy but i was afraid our impromptu debate would ruin the mood so i bit her lip and asked her if she had any coltrane.

8/16 favorite thing to do on the weekends: think about writing

favorite soundtrack: urg: a music war

what was the first thing you thought to yourself when you woke up this morning: god im lucky.

8/16 danielle has lunch at my house

8/16 today is charles bukowski’s birthday. my hero. the greatest writer of all time. the reason for everything.

tonight i write to you from hollywood california, where the king of the world once lived. lived for a long time. drank mostly but lived a lot too.

bukowski, savior to the underclass, defender of the forgotten. hope to the ugly and the scarred and the uncool and the sick.

proof that poetry can come from everywhere, even the drunkard in the corner with the bag around his bottle.

8/17 im always amazed by the ignorance and cowardice of the anonymous commentors. i know there are people who lurk out there. i even know that some of them are quite famous and powerful.

some of my friends know these people and they ask me occasionally if i know how badass i am to have these people as readers, but im not impressed.

8/18 when danielle cant find me at my desk she will call my cell phone, when i dont pick that up she calls me in Chopper One, something ive asked her not to do as, well, we’re fighting crime. thats what we do.

some of us work for a living, ive been known to tell her.

some of us dont sit on a stool selling flowers to cheating husbands and begging wanna-be boyfriends.

8/18 on days like these that just speed by, when the bad guys just lay on the curb waiting to die, as blood drains between the grates in the sewers and the little kids cry

i sit on the bumper of the undercover smoking the remains of a marlboro 100 and i wonder when mi vida loca will be over and not so loca.

8/18 ll cool j photo essay

8/19 hungover for the first time all year.

8/20 karisa and i drink at a rooftop pool with all of la’s coolest

8/20 danielles last day in america

8/21 matthews vs malkin

8/21 weekend wrapup

8/22 hi vacation

hi tony, what are you going to do with me?

im not gonna go to work thats for damn sure.

8/23 the day we found out that one of the presidents medals was unearned

8/23 juilette lewis and the licks

8/23 blogger turns 5

8/25 sunset junction street fair 53-page photo essay

8/25 john kerry meets jon stewart

8/27 46 page wordless photo essay

8/29 i start writing how to blog

8/30 john mccain was hot tonight at the rnc convention

8/30 instapundit has 35 posts, mentions bush six times but never once brings up the fact that today was the day that the president admitted that this war in iraq was unwinable

virginia + fat free milk + sk smith

on the busblog

7/2 fireworks at the dodger game

7/4 100 greatest american men of all time

7/4 fourth of july photo essay

7/5 i love america. i think sometimes people dont think that i do but i do. i love america not just because of the topless beaches, but also because of the autobahn and the sushi.

i love the “coffee” houses, the free universal health care, and the quality of public schools.

i love all the titties on tv, the rational defense of the second amendment, and the liberal use of the first cuz i love to hear the word fuck on my tv.

7/6 when trouble calls

7/6 the game is called take a picture until you get laid

7/7 big brother season premier review

7/7 fifteen minute photo essay

7/8 hi president bush

tony, i cant talk to you.

come on. just for a sec.

no. there are two people im being told not to talk to. michael moore and tony pierce.

dude, but im your bro.

no. and… what?

7/8 when death goes crazy

7/8 a picture a day until i get laid

7/9 you from oakland

7/10 anchorman review

7/11 sam shapiro called this one pure poetry

7/12 reuters quoted me as i dissed michael powell on his “blog”. he later quit blogging that month. because hes a pussy. and a tool.

7/13 spiderman 2 review

7/13 steve dahl disco demolition tribute

7/13 she says she wants to do me but then says she cant because of her boyfriend. who’s not even her real bf. its so complicated.

everything in hollywood is drama. have i ever told you that?

7/14 why the president isnt a Christian

7/14 lakers trade shaq to miami

like retards

7/15 danielle shows off a tanline

7/15 the day the president said fuck you naacp

7/15 dear kobe,

7/16 Riggs Bank gets sold, nobody cares

7/16 a picture of britney spears in a bikini thinking about me

7/16 lets just call him a friend of the family

7/18 when are we going to hang out again baby.

you mean do it? never. its over tony.

is he really that good in the sack?

thats none of your business.

moan twice if you miss me.

you know i miss you.

moan twice then.

no.

7/19 i dont know why im here, she said. youre disgusting.

the cheerleader is always right i said and let her in as two english muffins popped up.

they stayed up as we kissed in the doorway, lip kisses cuz tongue is what’s cheating.

7/20 dumber than normal (photo essay)

7/21 some tips on photo essays

7/20 tsar concert review with two hot babes and a convertible

7/21 in the rain the cubs beat the she said dont start off by talking about baseball, you’ll lose all the girls.

7/22 how not to ride the bus

7/22 how to treat an annoying chick while on a stakeout

7/22 shes not flipping me off, shes saying come over here. no wait, shes flipping me off.

7/23 the president talked down to black folk today, i will talk up to him

7/23 why jessica simpson is a millionaire

7/24 you know, im starting to think the president is a deserter

7/26 three posts about the first day of the dem convention, this was the one where al gore arrived

7/27 bill clinton at the convention

7/27 two cute pics of danielle

7/28 kristin dunst and i watch barack obama

7/28 al sharpton steals the show

7/29 the summer wind blew a little kid’s empty saltine wrapper over the bike path, tumbling across the lush green lawn and nearly into the koi pond before i had a chance to step on it for the little dickens so he could recycle it into his backpocket

which a cartwheel easilly freed.

danielle was scooping out some yogurt complaining that shes going to go mary-kate on my ass and stop eating entirely because shes fat and almost before she could finish her sentence i had popped her good in the thigh

as is our deal for whenever she begins blabbering the ridiculous.

she grabbed her bare leg and laughed and said “good one” acting every bit the masochist that she probably is

although she claims the contrary.

7/30 john kerrys semi lame speech is discussed

7/31 the cubs sign nomah

muscle68 + terra + j.mo + paige

on the busblog

6/1 anna came over yesterday right before the laker game.

6/1 dear the pope

6/2 the top ten most underrated blogs on the internet

6/2 yes it’s true i just had breakfast with the mysterious and glamorous zulieka from zulieka dot com. (pictured)

6/2 when i think of the president of the united states, this is what i see.

i see a fucking retard.

6/3 i saw the blind leading the blind today. it was killer.

6/4 i just made the greatest guns n roses mix cd for karisa

Yesterdays – Use Your Illusion II

Patience – Lies

Don’t Cry – Use Your Illusion I

Live and Let Die – Use Your Illusion I

Raw Power – The Spaghetti Incident?

You’re Crazy – Appetite for Destruction

Since I Don’t Have You – The Spaghetti Incident?

Welcome To The Jungle – Live Era ’87 – ’93

Paradise City – Live Era ’87 – ’93

Nightrain – Live Era ’87 – ’93

Sweet Child o’ Mine – Appetite for Destruction

Rocket Queen – Appetite for Destruction

Mama Kin – Lies

Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door – Use Your Illusion II

November Rain – Use Your Illusion I

Used To Love Her – Lies

6/4 today is angelina jolie’s twenty ninth birthday

6/5 why the president is a fucking retard. by tony pierce, 110

if you ever go to the special olympics you will see a spirit that is absent from any other sporting activity you’ll ever witness: unconditional love and reward.

even the slowest, most fumbiling child who finishes a race gets a hug. a loving embrace for participating in the event. a symbol and an action that says, you tried and thats all that matters.

you are loved.

the only institution that mimics this behavoir is the united states of america and it’s relationship to the president of the united states, george bush, and the people and things that he supports.

6/6 after calling the sitting president a fucking retard id be a fucking asshole if i didn’t celebrate the death of the president who started all this bullshit.

6/6 one day i will die. and on that day i hope that if you respect me you will do the only thing that i have ever asked of anyone

and thats to be honest.

6/7 Bukowski: Born into This – movie review

6/7 sometimes when you strap on your helmet and climb into chopper one you feel like a superstar. a hero. a crimefighter.

indestructable.

sometimes you sit in there and you look out at hollywood underneath you and all you see is evil.

6/7 howard owens writes tony part one

6/8 more answering machine messages

6/10 top ten reasons oj is not guilty

number ten: the columbian necktie.

(this post was later added to the wikipedia

6/12 in which i explain why the lakers will win the finals

6/14 linda came to visit me, this is what i think of her

6/15 a nice picture of absinthe being poured into a glass

6/16 exclusive interview with shaquille o’neal

6/16 how to blog

the post that would inspire the book

6/17 madpony calls it quits

6/18 the world is introduced to danielle (pictured)

6/19 napolean dynomite movie review

6/21 dear amazon dot com, are you fucking kidding me?

6/22 had the monkey dream again this time with a weird ending

dozens of monkeys of all sorts are in a smoke-filled room. as usual. some smoking cigarettes, some with cigars. some circled around hookahs.

6/23 i havent gotten any in two and a half weeks. it’s the longest drought ive had in years. i had a good thing going with ms. kournikova but i think i fucked it up somehow. not sure how. but i think i had something to do with it.

6/24 dear michael moore,

6/25 the ironic reason im still at the xbi

6/28 fahrenheit 9/11 movie review

6/28 rotten tomatoes: 130 positive reviews of f 9/11, 25 negative proving that republican bloggers are lousy movie critics.

6/29 my experience is you cant get a crying girl into a naked girl within an hour. and as it was 1am, and my bedtime is 2am i figured either i could be a friend or i could be a dick.

6/29 howard owens part two

6/30 danielle said lets blow this taco stand and i said i dont have any more c4. she said no, i mean lets make like a tree and get the fuck outta here. i was all language madame! she was all vous les vous couchez avec moi c’est saw. i was all c’est saw? she was all, can we please have lunch now?

vortexia + howard owens + chokey chicken + vaine

on the busblog

5/1 review of the secret pixies pre-coachella show in pomona

5/4 interview with karisa on her birthday

5/5 advice for the leggy ladies of la

5/5 everything i know about sex i learned from anna kournikova

5/6 grab the book nearest you

5/7 i cannot imagine a more easy choice in november than to kick george bush off american idol, and if no one wants to be the simon cowell and cross their arms and say

dreadful

dreadful

dreadful

in a way that people get it, and agree, then the democrats dont deserve to exist any more

5/8 in case you missed it, the secretary of defense donald rumsfield got his righteous ass handed to him on capital hill yesterday.

5/9 me and karisa go to a lakers + spurs playoff game

5/9 best survivor ever

5/10 blogger support saves my ass again

5/11 tenth best picture of the year

5/13 anticipating my annual xbi review

5/14 derek fisher hits that three pointer against the spurs

5/14 people are talking about moveable type when they should be talking about how for every good mt blog theres a blogspot blog that kicks its ass.

so smart and yet forget that it starts with the writing.

and it ends with the writing.

5/16 the best thing about last night’s saturday night live season finale is the promise that it was jimmy fallon’s last show.

the problem wasnt that he was gay.

the problem was that he was gay and not funny.

and he tried to rip off and replace adam sandler.

in a gay way.

5/17 a live chat with eBay support

5/18 why i write by tony pierce

(inspired by a photograph of salman rushdie’s miss universe-worthy fiance)

5/19 bad news: even though i had a great year, the xbi gives me a negative review

5/19 good news: the new york times interviews me for a story about blogging

5/20 why spelling doesnt matter

5/21 i introduce the honest-bloggers quiz. many take it. exactly the ones who you expect to avoid it, avoid it.

5/23 on a blog post about blogger burnout

7. The “Master Bloggers,” whoever you think those may be, are strange in the first place. mr. cowen writes. and i would tend to agree. although i dont get enough hits to consider myself a master blogger, i admit to being strange in the first place. and prolific is just a polite way to say obsessive in the same way reclusive is a nice way to say shut-in, the same way eccentric is just a spin on saying rich ‘n’ crazy. although no one ever calls james brown, mike tyson, or michael jackson eccentric so maybe it doesnt apply if youre black (or were black).

5/24 its funny how money moves you places. its funny how we allow it all to happen to us and pretend like we dont have any choice other than to follow the end of the rainbow.

5/24 i first met miss spain universe, mar’a jesos ruiz garz-n, in a topless tapas joint in madrid in january 2000.

5/26 life, just like dating, just like most things, is about going out there with your big fat black bat and beating people over the head with it and dragging home what you can. you can be nice all you want but opportunity rarely knocks, youve got to knock it over and sink your teeth in and take a huge bite.

how do you think we got america.

5/26 i was mentioned in the new york times

5/27 prince concert review at staples center

5/27 why the ny times didnt mention my age

5/27 Riggs Bank, the #1 story that the Instapundit ignored in 2004

5/27 the value of kisses

5/28 the day i sang for raymi

5/30 who told the pope we gave a fuck what he thinks?

aaron clemens + xtx + saidy + kitty bukkake