starring Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Lui, Demi Moore, Bernie Mac

directed by McG

clippergirls cousin has a funny way about her. she says shes gonna drive me somewhere and then she doesnt take me there. she calls it kidnapping the famous blogger.

i tell her that a thousand readers a day isnt fame. she says i get more than a thousand that my counter is shit. i say even if its two thousand its still not fame. she says everyone wants more. i say i do want more. but not more more, better more. i want girls to fall in love with me more and companies to hand over blank checks more and former english teachers to take it all back more and for me to look at my page a week after and laugh more.

actually i do get that one sometimes.

we were supposed to be heading to the wessssside to go to my old college roommate sam’s house to go see a movie together, just he and i but instead she drove me to manns chinese and we watched charlies angels 2, which was a little weird because part of it was filmed there, and ashley was an extra there, and i had never been inside the famous manns chinese ever before.

it was also weird cuz she wanted to hold my hand and i didnt wanna but she insisted and i didnt want to have any bad feelings while we were watching the totally watchable movie.

i love mcg‘s style and the pace and the imagination of it all. im glad filmmakers are willing to just go crazy in movies now and have fun doing it. it is just a fucking movie, after all. we do want escapism. we dont want to think about jobs and bosses and fighting crime and the fact that after the movie a perfectly good half japanese twenty year old is going to want to get it on and i will have to say no. again.

i can be such a dick when a girl likes me and i dont like her that way and i hate feeling that way. i am not a dick. it makes me totally appreciate karisa cuz she puts up with that all the time and i dont ever see her act differently, i wonder how she does it.

boys do want a little thrill of a chase. and as a libra, i want a little balance. i want her to want me like i want her. and i do want clippergirls cousin on a certain level. it would be fun to just mess around on a sunday night in a scary hollywood park after the softball lights flicker off or behind the three of clubs or in a back seat or in the la coliseum top row with airplanes flying overhead. but this girl is young and she will fall in love and not with me but with the closeness. and who can blame her. youre supposed to, after all.

romance is the one thing thats always missing in action films and it shouldnt be that way. make it a lovestory that gets fucked up by bad guys who kidnap the girl and the guy has to action movie his way into finding her and capturing her. its easy. make him do super romantical things during his quest. make him send homing pigeons to her. make him send smoke signals. make him shoot a guy in the chest with a machine gun and make the bullets form a heart in his torso.

make him have a plane that spells out words in the sky that says tony plus ilka.

make him nearly kill a bad guy and make him take off the bad guys shirt and put on her favorite shirt of his and send him back to the bad guys headquarters. little signs that he loves her and hes thinking of her and he misses her and she should know hes gonna find her and live happily ever after. even though ive never seen one person live happily ever after. never mind two.

the xbi has done things like this before, but not romantic things.

we’ve carved out messages in the dead hit men before.

i havent, of course. i respect the dead, even though theyre dead. but i dont protest it either because crazy people need to know that theres someone just a little more crazy out there, and it helps if the crazy think that the super crazy work with me and will carve some shit into them if theyre caught slippin.

afterwards we ate at mcdonalds and didnt talk about the film, but talked about the music and the tshirts instead.

i thought about ashley alot while watching the movie and when i got home she had called and clippergirls cousin was stepping into something a lot more comfortable and she sneered at the caller id that said “ashley, cell phone”.

shes a darker skinned girl. i think shes part hawaiian and when shes naked it doesnt seem naked it seems normal. especially on a warm june night when im not going to have sex with her im not even gonna kiss her and im listening to evan dando sing with julianna hatfield about being drug buddies and im past doing drugs anymore but i still appreciate that song cuz its about friendship and im such a big fan of that even though im a rotten friend and that was the best theme of charlies angels two: full throttle.

that, and that demi moore is still a hot piece of ass.

shellen + vodka pundit + little green footballs

today we’re going to outright steal something from someone else’s blog because it’s wonderful.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Not at all interesting:

I know you all love my inane blather so much that you haven’t really missed the inclusion of photos in my posts, but I have decided to bring them back because, well, I like looking at celebrities of either gender in low-cut ensembles, so you are just going to have to deal with it.

This weekend I wasn’t very productive. I basically just spent a lot of time sleeping fitfully because it’s so fucking hot on the third floor of my loft, but there is no other place for me to sleep so I just turn the fan to the highest setting, point it at myself and then grab onto something so I don’t get blown off the bed. I did go out and get my friend Karen some bourbon for her birthday present, because nothing says friendship like hard liquor. Her birthday party was funtimes and I got to reconnect with a couple of ladies that I think are pretty kickass, and since I’m now a freewheelin’ single gal, I’m glad I have some other freewheelin’ single gals to hang out with when we go out somewhere, because really, if you are a single gal and you go out by yourself you’re really not all that freewheelin’.

Yesterday I took the day off work because I really needed a fucking day off already. Plus, I had an appointment for a physical, and sometimes physicals are kind of traumatic, so I wanted to have the rest of the day off in case I needed to recover from all the horrific poking and prodding. Fortunately there wasn’t much poking and there was very little prodding. I think my regular doctor saves all the prodding action for my gynecologist, which I will be sure to describe for you in detail after my next pap smear. Anyway, I got a clean bill of health except for my dirty bastard of a stomach, but I already knew that was fucked up so I wasn’t really surprised. My doctor thinks that all of my stomach problems are due to a sensitivity to wheat gluten, which permeates the very soul of our culture and is extremely hard to avoid, so she is sending me to a gastroenterologist to have my gutmeats examined. I think that all my stomach problems can probably be traced to my rampant alcoholism and tendency to internalize all of my stress to the point where I think my brainmeats might implode, but I’m no doctor, so I’ll go see the gut dude. In any case, as far as my doctor is concerned, I am totally and completely normal and healthy.

She didn’t examine my other four personalities, though, so I guess there will always be some doubt as to my true overall health status.

dirtyfez.com

and shes a girl, so i can definitely break a piece off. clippergirls cousin called me drunken and cutesy but she doesnt know that thats not what im looking fur. ive dropped the eighteen to twentyfives outta my friendster cuz they just dont get it. its noon its hot. last night she wanted to come over and watch tv which means makeout and i dont know why i push her away but i do. its the same as the other ones. some girls you want to make out with and thats it some gurls you want to girlfriend and thats it some gurls you want to marry and thats it. she i wanted to go to maui with and thats it and we did and we’re back and i just want her to go be her and me be me and of course i wanted to make out with her cuz shes great at it and has this magical way of kissing but im not gonna run around and kiss her and her cousin all summer and think im gonna get away with that. there are no free lunches and there are no free bjs you pay and pay and pay and some things are worth it and some arent and im not. its hot. hi summer. hi tony. hi smiley face. hi tony 🙂 does it bother you that youre always sideways. nope 🙂 does it bother you that people totally make fun of you and your cousins. nope 🙂 are you always happy? yep 🙂 can you do any imitations? yeah this is me being sad 🙁 🙂 i got the new playboy today in the mail. the one with the survivor girls in it. i think if i was more conventional and “with it”, i would do little reviews of stuff. like the restaurants i ate at and the products i used and the tv shows i watch and of course the magazines i read.

the new playboy makes me worried about the new playboy because it is now being edited by the former editor of fhm uk or maxim uk or something like that which on paper sounds like a perfect idea because for ever playboy had about 10 interesting pages out of 175 even though it was showing us the hottest girls in the world even though there would sometimes be naked celebrities even though they could talk about Anything in the world including ties briefcases british motorcycles jazz being cool and blah blah blah. they could interview celebs in a cool way, they could show us the sweetest clothes in a non gay way, and flow with the excerpts of books as yet to be released. semi sexy short stories, sexy advice, sexy news… and yet they hardly ever did. and sorry but the babes were rarely the hottest in the world. blasphemy? hardly. not only was there a humongous need for a breath of fresh air, but there needed to be a tent full of fresh air and i see that slowly thats happening as the new editor takes over.

but this months worries me because they have pics of that fat wilson phillips girl who stapled her stomach and lost a ton of weight. and she looks good. thats the surprising thing. she cheated and she worked at it and the makeup and clothes are right and bam there she is all famous and skinnier and still a little roundy but looking fine all boobies sticking out and everything and what worries me is playboy doesnt make any mention of it on their cover. people dont want to see how the girl looks? playboy doesnt want to advertise that not everyone is going to be a size 2? have they forgotten that anna nicole smith has been on the cover over and over and she was never a waifer? have they forgotten that… whatever… theyve forgotten. theyre so worried about their pigskin previews that they have put the boobies on the backburner. look no further than the centerfolder.

and the survivor girls look good. in real life. on tv. standing on a log begging for ice cream. and playboy used to do a great job of hiding the not perfect parts of their sweet tarts. but for some reason they want us to know over and over that jenna doesnt have the greatest boobs. they hide the fake tit scars of the blonde next to her, but they dont even think twice about posing the winner of the show like shes a winner.

must i teach the world to sing?

rule number one of playboys new management should be no old poses. its the female form. its the finest worksong. its the best money can buy and they dont even try. its all playboy pose #5 followed by playboy pose #6. its a reality show set in the woods. toss those two little tramps in the woods and have them out sexy each other. get twenty up n coming photogs to hide in the forest and gang photoshoot em. like a bukkake party but without the mess and degradation.

take the ten best pics and put them in the mag. then take the next ten best pics and put them in the back. then take the next ten pics and put them on playboy dot com for free cuz in the world of the innernet i am never on playboy dot com and thats how you get me there. but i like what you did with their hair.

cubs sox are on and my man sam wants me to see charlies angels with him after he wins a velvet armani sweat suit off ebay. its hot its summer im loving it. my sodas are chillin in the fridge and i have so much to do on the web site and blog that im thinking about saying fuckit and just taking that bus to the beach and taking picture after picture for your asses not cuz you deserve it but cuz i deserve it cuz it could have been so easy to just taken advantage last night and i didnt and it might not be tough for you but its tough for me and most the times i dont do it but last night i nearly did and by nearly i mean nearly as fuck.

alecia + the ward + azarok