if i was sammy sosa i would say to myself,

why the fuck am i playing baseball right now?

arent i supposed to be suspended?

didnt i get totally lucky that all eyes were on me and wrigley and my bats this weekend, and i survived it and my damn team even went two outta three with the bronx bombers, why am i in baltimore?

if i was sammy sosa i would tell the commish, please lets just do this right now.

nobody has any class any more. thats the problem,


these two guys were obviously cheating, i should say, are still cheating in one of my fantasy baseball leagues.

you know what you get when you win a yahoo fantasy baseball league?

the screen says congratulations to your team name.

so why would you cheat?

anyway, i delivered a few choice lines on the message board because actually playing in the league isnt nerdy enough, i actually am active in this league.

and i told them how they were cheating and how their trades were horrible and then i signed it, nice work, sosas.

im not taking all of this very well.

i wish sammy had just said it was planted.

or he never did it in the first place.

i also wish my tivo knew how to understand the mlb package on directv.

i also wish that the new tsar record would hurry up and come out.

i also wish the hottest girl at work hadnt been so cute today.

if there were three books that i could recommend sammy read this summer

the first would be vurt by jeff noon, psychedelic sci fi from the uk.

then i would say cruddy by lynda barry, funny sad wonderful

then i would say read genesis

then i would say read ten bukowski poems for good luck.

remember when beck was cool?

ah, memories.

got on the bus this morning and tried to read the article that Los Angeles magazine wrote about taking the bus around la. of course there werent any pictures, just illustrations, because using public transportation in this town is good but only in theory. lord help you if you actually got near a bus to write about it.

for some reason they chose to ride the bus from northridge to long beach which are opposite ends of la county.


why must i constantly fix the entire world?

what they should have done was take it from the valley to LAX, or from long beach to staples center or from east la to santa monica pier, you know, actual trips that people would possible make if they knew they could. (you can).

if youre dumb enough to live in long beach and attend cal state northridge when theres a perfectly good cal state long beach minutes away, then you deserve to suffer.

regardless, los angeles magazine just proved what we all knew long ago, if you want any info about taking the bus and or rail and or subway in la, you need look no further than the busblog cuz i wont bog you down with bullshit theories about “what if you wanted to go from A to Z” cuz i actually go there. and its not a big deal.

in india people ride on the outside of the trains, they ride on the top of the trains, ive even seen pictures of some very talented commuters riding under the damn train. right now if i wanted to i could get to any part of LA within an hour for free because i have a bus pass.

ok, maybe it would take a little more than an hour. and it is lunch time. and it might take well over an hour if things are fucked up, as they often are, but people are often times pleasantly suprised by where you can go and how easilly you can do it if you actually open your eyes and give it a whirl.

for example. today im eating lunch at the la county museum because its crappy outside and i like to be inside on crappy days.

if i wanted to go to the airport right now i could take the rapid to the red line, the red line to the blue line, the blue line to the green line and then the shuttle to LAX. only because i would have to change trains would it take me about two hours. and since one of the transfer spots is in Watts, its not the most popular route among the non-xbi crowd.

which is why i suggest taking the 720 to santa monica and taking the Big Blue Bus ($.75) to the transfer station by the airport and then the shuttle.

when i first moved here i heard that david byrne took the bus all the time, and i thought he was super cool for doing that. then i heard brian eno was the same way. then i heard that beck took the bus and then i heard it was just a rumor.

i think beck should go back to riding the bus. his shit was better then. elvis costello said he wrote most of get happy by taking the bus down santa monica blvd and just looking at the store fronts.

i think elvis should go back to riding the bus too.

i saw a great thing on shane mcgowan of the pogues last night on the sundance channel.

that guys so drunk all the time i hope he is always on the bus.

i dont know what i want to do with my life any more.

a lot of the people on the bus are mexican, and most of the drivers are black. so since im black maybe i should drive a bus?

what id rather do is drive a limo.

but what id secretly rather do is just write and write and write and write.

karisa called me at work, and then chris did, then jeanine did. i called karisa back but her sister allisa answered and i was all karisa? and she said no, hold on. then karisa said tony? i said hi! she said me and my sister are just sitting here by the pool and i said i cannot stand up. and i really couldnt.

the newly designed la examiner + hollywood mogul brian linse + some people do like my poems

no i didn’t win any webby awards

the other night. but i don’t do this for the awards. i do this so the hot babes will write in and tell me that im the man.

ladies of the place im calling out to ya.

last night welch interviewed me as i did my laundry. it was fun. i heard myself on the tape recorder and i sound like an olde man on the tape recorder which might explain why the princess of sweden doesn’t want to have a secret affair with me any more.

she says she hates to admit it but it would be scandalous if we dated since im not swedish.

i told her that i understood, but that it was, of course, ridiculous.

i asked her to tell me that it was my bo or my thinning hair or the fact that i have thousands of baseball cards in my closets.

she said, no, that she liked me.

then she asked me to direct connect, so i direct connected, then she sent over a picture of herself and i said, please, i don’t think i could take any more.

the princess of sweden, you understand is very beautiful and we got along very well.

i told her that when i was in school sometimes i wouldn’t be able to date certain girls because i was Black, and once i turned 100 i wasn’t able to date other girls cuz of my age, but this was the first time i wasn’t able to kiss a girl any more because of national borders.

she said she thought it would be wrong. she didn’t want to deceive her family and friends.

i said but its something i cant control, my lack of swedishness.

she said she just didn’t think it was right.

so i excused myself from the chat and cried a little tear and then a different princess, the daisy princess called me and left a nice message on my machine but i doubted her intentions. i doubted whether she was truly missing me or simply jealous and hurt that i had written that i missed karisa and that i was about to say nice things about chris on her birthday and that i hadn’t said anything nice about her in a little while.

and then i microwaved a tv dinner because ive been eating like a pig, and then i typed typed typed on my computer in hopes that the webbys would pay attention to me one day.

oh, webby awards, i typed, please wont you notice me.

and then i cried a little tear, and then i fell asleep to pauls boutique

and i woke up to a line that sounded like

dumber than you’ll ever know

and ive been caught cheating like sammy sosa.

then i went back to sleep and woke up and remembered i didn’t need any princess of sweden.

that i was the fucking man.

and then i remembered that i really wasn’t.

the ward + fearful symmetry + sara called me cute

today is my true loves birthday

and the bells should ring and the kids should be let out of their cages and the birds should sing and the skies should let the sun shine in.

i first met our birthday girl on a hayride in malibu.

she wore granny clothes back them because she wasnt so sure about showing off her bod, which was hot, and is hotter than the picture tries to project, but photography doesnt have enough curves to show you this young woman’s incredible physique.

and the web doesnt know how to capture and translate heart. and christine rene is all heart.

boobs and heart.

gorgeous blue eyes, a sharp mind capable of 400 pt scrabble scores, a tantalizing neck, pure heart and nice boobs.

and patience.

this gurl stood by me for five years.

i got fired once while i was with her, i started my own business, i also sold hot dogs, i watched way too much tv, i didnt take her out nearly enough, and still she was patient.

i told her secrets to her parents over the holidays, i made her best friend not talk to her for a while, i barraged her with kisses and bad breath and constant i love yous and still she was there for me even after i moved to la and left her behind with my 15″ cerwin vegas.

i love this girl america and she will even put up with me saying so on the internet.

thats love.

she will put up with it even though she has a new man. a taller richer handsomer man who has actually done something with his life other than interview people hes never met. shes no dummy.

she called tonight wondering if the anna interview was about her and i said how could it be about you she said she didnt know i said chris i love you, i would marry you right now. i got no problem with you.

she said i know.

i said, so you’ll marry me?

she said no.

thats how we talk to each other. its like birds in the night.

coo coo?

plllllooooo pllllloooo.

coo cooo?

plllloooo plllloooo.

for a while my coo coos were answered by her cooo coos and magic was created and i know that that doesnt last forever. and even if it does last, not everything lasts forever.

except true love.

which i still have for her.

and i always will.

till the last maggot eats the last bits

of my dumbass heart.

sleeping + toobin + nice shirt + at ken and lauras wedding + last days + old chat