i eat too much

i drink too much lite beer, i watch too much tv, i answer the phone far too much.

two girls came over tonight with a little thing of marijuana, america, and what are you supposed to do with that?

brazillian girls with the best accents. have i ever told you how i love accents? luuuuuuuuuuuuuv.

they rolled the thing and licked it and made sure it was tight and perfect and narrow and potent which is a trick at my age as the only thing that makes me startle any more is how many morons have control over things.

but im even starting to get used to that.

karma. me and this hot chick were at my doctors office this morning. in the waiting room. she had gotten pink eye but still looked hot. i said whats it like. she said fluid was dripping out of my eye. i said um gross and still undressed her with my eyes. you woulda too.

she asked what i was in for. i told her theyve got to shave another inch off it and both her eyebrows went up.

the girth i assured, just the girth.

picked up a sports illustrated from two months ago. the baseball preview issue and saw who they were picking back in april to do well.

she said maybe we were some evil bastards in a past life if we have to go through this shit now.

and i love girls who swear. it means they whisper the best things when they whisper.

i eat too many doritios and pizza and malt balls and tom kha kai.

im crazy about milk i realize as i say aloud.

and that coulda come out wrong but with some people its impossible. she understood.

she esped me.

what do you want to do right now?

i esped back

write something really good.

she said would you write about me

i said i couldnt even begin to write about you

and she wrote her number down in a subscription card to vice magazine

the nurse called her name


she got up and walked through the swinging doors without ever looking back at me.

i looked down at the card and above her name she had written


and there aint no fucking way im dating a girl name ronnie

no matter how smoking she looked in a business suit, skirt, heels

and pink eye

in a waiting room on fairfax.

laurita + gorilla mask + waterslide

what do you want them to do when you die?

cards i want there to be a party.

i want there to be several kegs.

i want there to be loud music and bands playing and great food and i dont want people to dress uncomfortably or feel like they have to say good things about me if they dont wanna.

i want ac/dc to play on the boom box, and zep, and the beastie boys, the replacements, the police, and of course all my favorite bands from isla vista, and of course tsar.

i want people to kiss each other and hug.

i would want people to exchange recipies for baked goods, and i want the girls who have crushes on boys to tell at least one of them, and vice versa.

i would want people to wear silly hats and play spin the bottle.

i would want karisa to teach everyone how to play Allen and afterwards nobody drive home drunk because there might be a quota as to how many people make it to heaven on a particular day and i dont need any damn competition.

i would want people to read from the Bible but not in a ned flanders dumbass born again way, but in a real way.

i want someone to say Sodom and Gomorrah had nothing to do with gay people, and then i want a lot of people to say Right On!

i want there to be soul food and soda pop and bacon frying and a barbeque.

i want people to talk about life and love and living and possibilities and how i talked a mighty good game but i hardly lived for the day the way i wish i could live. people like stacy sullivan and dan grant and hillary clinton really lived for the day, but i wouldnt want anyone to talk about politics.

i would want people to get high.

i would want people to dance on my grave.

i would want people to breakdance on my grave.

i dont want flowers, give them to your mommas.

i would want fireworks and a huge makeout session and jello wrestling and happiness.

mallory + doktor frank + three hot chicks living in norman, one named lauren one named kristen!

things are kind of maney here at the office today.

some guy quit and threatened to expose the xbi for what it is. but the stupid thing is the cops, the fbi, and even the judges know what the xbi is and how we grease the wheels of justice.

only people who dont know are the press and some of the press know and keep their mouths shut.

the santa barbara mafia know, but they know everything.

so anyway, now everyone is out to get the guy who is breaking the first rule of fight club.

which is scary cuz we might get found out, but its also fun cuz none of us liked this guy in the first place and everyone has been waiting for this time to beat the crap out of him.

me, i just want to write to you and enjoy the sun and think about fonder days. days when i woke up in the arms of america and was pulled back into bed with gentle pleas and warm caresses and i even was allowed the opportunity to burn a sick day in the name of love and lust.

freedom, where have you flown off to?

dont get me wrong, im not sad. if anything today finds your narrator in great spirits, oddly.

great for no reason.

theres no girl who wants to wear my pin. theres no ball club who wants to pick up my option. theres no weapons inspectors interested in my dirty bombs.

all i have is you bloggy blog.

all i have are these pixels and kilobytes.

some guy wants to know why we will miss miss katherine hepburn and its cuz we are sentimental people who grow to like the actors who perform for us.

someone told me a little story of arnold schwartzennegar and his wife walking down the street the other day and how the public ran out of their doors to hunt him down and demand his attention and his autograph. there is a price of fame which is why karisa doesnt want it. and it doesnt matter if you have more oscars than any other female actress and it doesnt matter if you never will be nominated.

our celebs make us feel better somehow, especially when theyre near us. and for that reason we should give them a break when theyre down on their luck and why we should respect them when they bow out after 96 years.

when i pass away i want people to know that i had an extremely blessed life. that i wasnt born with any obvious deformities. that i had a good childhood and a fine education and loving girlfriends and amazing friends.

and i had what some of the ladies were quoted as calling “magical hands.”

which doesnt mean that i shouldnt be remembered fondly when i go.

i guess all i want is to be remembered at all.

which i dont mind doing for miss hepburn today.

inluminent + wKen + mr. pennyworth