that i did not include in How To Blog.

either they were too dumb or poorly written or in this case, too gross.

i think you will agree.

just to catch you up, in this episode i was dead, i was with kurt and i didnt know if i was in heaven, hell, or what…

two years ago today, December 15, 2002

caught the bus and drove out to death valley. the ride wasnt bad, it was just me and kurt and a few gangstas from the hood.

when the bus stopped kurt led me out.

before we can go any further you have to sit on the Regret Throne.

all i saw were a row of Port-A-Potties.

go in there, put down some paper on the seat, pull down your pants, and think about all of your regrets.

i did as instructed.

“i cant think of any.” i yelled.

i thought you said you were bummed that you never went to Prague?

“oh yeah.”

plop plop plo-plo-plo- SPLASH

“i think im done.” i told him.

did you ever have sex with anyone you wish you hadnt?

hmmmm. no. no, i dont think so.

think hard. if theres any regret in you, you wont be able to fly in heaven. it’s what seperates us from the birds.

plop plop plop.

what about some of the jobs you had?

i sorta liked my jobs, kurt.

wish you had said some things, or not said some things, or quit earlier at some of them?

plop plop plop plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-thrrrrrrrrrrrrbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb plllllllllrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb SPLASH

ok that was sick, tony

hey man, im just doing as the inventor of grunge is instructing me.

any girls you wish you had asked out?

the toilet exploded.

it was like a missle.

there were flames.

kurt hosed me off and handed me a towel. i tipped him a dollar and he opened the door of another port-a-john.

any records you bought you wish you handt? movies you saw? extended warrantees you bought?

another violent explosion.

my ass was starting to hurt.

kurt took the hose to me again and handed me another towel.

i gave him a $5, he gave me three ones in change.

i went into another port-a-potty and sat down.

sorry you didnt buy Amazon at 7 and sell at 100?

huge explosion. my ears began to ring.

kurt hosed me off, handed me a towel, i gave him the three ones. he gave me a squirt of cologne.

went into the last port-a-potty that remained.

sorry you didnt say good bye to anyone?

nah, not really.

wish you had asked for more money on your blog?

plop.

wish you had spell checked or proof read it before you posted?

pleep.

wish you had kissed more people’s asses so that they would link you?

plip.

wish you had gone to journalism school?

plop plop plop.

wish you had learned to play guitar?

SPLASH.

wish you had gotten married in your twenties?

no.

look down at your feet.

“what am i looking for?”

are they on the ground?

and what do you know, i was floating about an inch off the floor.

crazy.

i wiped, flushed, got out, and felt incredible.

me and kurt hung out at the bus stop waiting for the next bus.

“what was one of your regrets when you were here?”

i wish i had been a corporate spokesperson for someone.

“really?”

yeah, really. i was just shy.

jack bog is giving to charity, join him + so is jeff jarvis + tiffany is just hot

isnt your reaction to it all, its everyone elses.

my reaction to it all was pretty simple. it was all

uh.

everyone elses reaction was more like

!!!

or

shit pierce you didnt fuck up, congrats

or

omg tony you didnt say fuck.

or

dude, we had everyone in the office gathered around the tv and we laughed at every joke.

and all of that is super nice. very cool. and the comments and emails and telephone calls that i got were all very generous and flattering.

but then there are the fools who just cant stand to see a guy have his six minutes of fame.

and i dont understand those people.

its exactly like a barrell of monkeys where one monkey is climbing out of the barrell and one really slow monkey has to try to bring him back down.

never once thinking that if the one guy makes it out that the others will see how its done and follow.

and ive never understood how anyone could be jealous of a guy who rides a bus

types on the internet

and gets paid shit.

but it happens america, and if it ever happens to you you can say, shit, tony told me that this might happen. and maybe you wont take it personally. and you shouldnt. cuz it has nothing to do with you.

nothing.

and last night a girl looking a lot like anna kournikova came over to my house. this time i got to pick her up because miss montreal loaned me her car.

and she and i watched my six minutes of fame on my big tv.

it was the first time that i had watched it all the way through because even though i start all these posts with i or me its only because im a lazy writer. im not narcisistic. and i felt like i looked different than i thought i looked. i felt that i spoke better than i thought i was gonna speak. i and thought that i really missed my afro.

but the young lady held on to my arm and clapped at the end and said i cant believe that im at tony pierces house.

and eleven minutes later we were asleep.

and two minutes after that the phone rang and it was my mother who called to tell me that my sister had delivered upon the world an infant son earlier that day.

and my mom told me a little story about how my little two year old neice had been learning about birthdays.

she said, september is granmas birthday october is uncle tonys birthday november is mommys birthday january is david’s birthday (she calls her father by his first name – very bart simpson-y) and the new baby’s birthday and february is my birthday.

and my mom said that she was trying to introduce to her the fact that december is the baby Jesus’s birthday.

and my sweet little neice said, no no, no more birthdays before mine, and ran off.

and thats what its about.

raymi gets naked for once + moxie keeps it short + mindy + j.mo