that im totally against arresting female streakers.

i say let em streak. what could happen? the could get leered at? isnt that what they want?

now male streakers, i say we arrest them. it’s not right.

maybe there should be some on-the-spot public declaration of male streakers. perhaps once the authorities apprehend the man, the cop can put his hand over the man’s head and the audience can either boo or cheer. get enough cheers and the man will be let free to run around until he’s punched by a drunkard.

im not a fan of streakers who are advertising web sites. especially super hot women who plaster the busblog’s address all over their bodies.

57. dawn

being naked and free is one thing, but being a human billboard is another.

save that for nascar racers and bicyclists.

if you want to advertise on yourself and get peoples attention, just wear wet tshirts or see through clothes. duh.

have i told you that im addicted to Friendster?

i didnt know what it was at first, but this weekend i totally got into it and now im hooked.

i have over 69,500 people in my network.

when i pare it down to just hot chicks that live in la who are between 25-35 who want to date men i get 366 young ladies who may or may not know the 13 “friends” that i really do have.

69k people in my network after only a few days of clicking.

very strange. but very cool.

keep your eyes open, i have a feeling that Friendster will take off and do something very interesting. especially since theyre just in their beta.

eric olsen writing about metallica for msnbc + doktor frank + rabbit + new front page

im not sure exactly what sort of summer tour. maybe a book reading one. maybe because i hate book readings and part of life is doing things you hate so that you end up liking them. i think thats what youre supposed to do.

in that case it would be poetry reading tour. maybe with some open mic action.

is there anything worse than open mic poetry?

dueling mimes?

multilevel marketing salespitches delivered by mimes followed by a poetry open mic book reading?

one day i’ll have kids and i wont be able to go on summer tours. maybe i would. maybe i could take the damn kids, but something tells me i wouldnt be able to do that. i guess i would want a wife that would be all for it and would help motivate my ass to stick everyone into the motorhome and follow bob dylan as he went from state fair to state fair.

turns out the hottest chick at work has a boyfriend and when i delivered this news to the fellas on friday they went into their tiny room and just today was i notified that there was white smoke coming from their hideout and a new hottest chick was named.

here are Dylan’s summer tour dates:

July 12: Winter Park, Colo. (Winter Park Resort)

July 13: Casper, Wyo. (Casper Events Center)

July 15: Jackson, Wyo. (Snow King Resort)

July 16: Big Sky, Mon. (Big Sky Resort)

July 17: West Valley City, Utah. (USANA Amphitheater)

July 19: Stateline, Nev. (Harvey’s Lake Tahoe Outdoor Amphitheater)

July 21: Sun Valley, Idaho (Sun Valley Amphitheater)

July 22: Nampa, Idaho (Idaho Center Amphitheater)

July 23: Bend, Ore. (Les Schwab Amphitheater)

July 25: Kelseyville, Calif. (Konocti Harbor Resort & Spa)

July 26: Paso Robles, Calif. (California Mid-State Fair)

July 27: Costa Mesa, Calif. (Pacific Amphitheater)

July 29: Sunrise, Fla. (Office Depot Center)

July 30: Tampa, Fla. (St. Pete Times Forum)

July 31: Atlanta (HiFi Buys Amphitheater)

Aug. 2: Joliet, Ill. (Route 66 Raceway)

Aug. 3: Somerset, Wis. (Float Rite Park Amphitheater)

Aug. 5: Noblesville, Ind. (Verizon Wireless Music Center)

Aug. 6: Columbus, Ohio (Germain Amphitheater)

Aug. 8: Darien Center, N.Y. (Darien Lake Six Flags Performing Arts Center)

Aug. 10: Calverton, N.Y. (Calverton Enterprise Park)

Aug. 21: Gilford, N.H. (Meadowbrook Farm Musical Arts Center)

Aug. 22: Syracuse, N.Y. (New York State Fair)

bing + my shit dont stink + truth laid bear + twixt

i have to work today too but i will get three comp days this week in return. which is good because last night i worked my ass off. almost literally.

had to go to the lbc last night. signal hill, technically.

they sent me because the two other times we went there the agents got terrible food poisoning.

when i first started at the original agency they made me drink a new pepto bismol every day to make my stomach lining stronger. it actually made it weaker. i could barely eat anything. most of college i was 125 lbs and ate a lot of apple sauce and soup. so they transferred me to uc isla vista where possibly i would find something to give me the munchies.

this time they were right.

it was there that i discovered my incredible tolerance to drugs and alcohol, which was when the xbi became interested in me.

when they found out i felt no pain was when they offered up the flying car.

last night i expected to be poisoned in one way or another.

its nothing you can prepare for because you dont want to have an empty stomach and you want them to know that you are being affected by the drug. a wince will do. but then youve got to get it together.

my partner wore a diaper.

they say that you should wear clean underwear because when you die, apparently people judge you depending on the cleanliness of your underwear.

i couldnt care less about that, but i do know that i dont want to die wearing a diaper.

ah vanity, you evil temptress.

after we ate the undercooked chicken stuffed with magic mushrooms the suspects brought out a dusty old bottle of absinthe.

lucky we’ve been practicing.

the absinthe worked as a liquid plummer in the system. it cut a nice path for all the terrible foods to bypass being broken down and ended up right in the spleen where it reacted in a violent way. i didnt want to go to the bathroom because i didnt want them to think i was barfing it up. if you barf they give you stronger, quicker stuff. like bullets.

my partner asked me to pull his finger and winked.

i squirmed a little and felt the drugs rushing through my blood stream like fat kids on a water park slide.

mind over matter

get into a discussion about the bible. talk about talking. have a poetry reading contest. see if they have xbox. ask for a beer. go outside.

right. go outside.

go. outside.

if you go outside they’ll think youre barfing, my partner esped me. and he was right.

he was wearing a full diaper, but he was right. he lit up a camel light and winked at me again. gayboy.

they had an outdoor lit basketball court and i invited them to a game of two on two.

they smiled and accepted the challenge and my partner coughed and gave me a dirty look but hes new what does he know.

i was all, you fellas have some shorts we can borrow, im all about a real game.

they were all, oh sure, we want a real game too.

the dude pointed upstairs and the chick stopped dancing and walked up the spiraling stair case and returned with two pairs of shorts and a selection of throwback nba jerseys. i took the old school dr j kentucky colonels jersey and congratulated them on their fine taste.

i excused myself to the restroom, used the facilities, didnt flush, and changed into my uniform.

they soon saw that i hadnt barfed up their poison and i apologized and flushed.

my partner looked perfect in his seventy sixer barkley jersey, with that fat ass of his.

i messed around and got a triple double.

then we got our information and flew home.

massimo + jason + get your oj

was for me to put my picture on her favorite blog, the busblog.

so there you are honey. i took it while watching ‘my favorite wife’ using a double exposure red eye reduction flash that if you whip around it will capture a bright image like a tv screen.

me and clippergirl met in an alley off the sunset strip.

she was ducking out for a sneek-a-toke and i was pissing on a dumpster.

our eyes met and i told her that if she told me her number that i would remember it, and that i dont remember anything.

she said, dont you want to finish what youre doing first.

i shook, zipped and then i listened.

me and clippergirl have had a pretty good deal going for what, two years now, it seems like a lot longer and maybe it is longer, who knows anymore.

i dont mind that she breaks the rules and dates nba superstars, she doesnt mind when i make echo noises when im kissing below her belly button.

ok, she does mind that. but she knows im kidding.

we kid a lot. i like to kid.

clippergirl and i dont drink very much. we just watch tv and hold hands. she wears sexy clothes and i wear different hats.

the last time we hung out i wore a stove pipe hat on account of the rumor that abe lincoln was gay.

she wore this see thru mini skirt and a little bippy top.

she doesnt eat much which is good for me cuz i eat like a pig.

her brother says that she has never been as happy as right now and i tell him its cuz of the dude shes been dating and he says no, that its me.

shes good at chess and once she starts speaking french its hard to get her to stop.

if she wasnt the wrong sign i would ask her to be my girlfriend but i know better than that.

anyway, happy birthday to my favorite cheerleader.

when you get back from maui i have a nice present for you.

but shes going to have to do more than wear lettuce for me to stop eating meat.

welch and i were at a taqueria the other day and he ordered the goat burrito.

everything is in spanish at midnight tacos on santa monica and vermont so i ask for the pollo burrito no onions and everything usually works out fine.

but welch is so badass that not only did he order the goat burrito but he prounced it in perfect spanish rolling the r’s and everything.

i guess you learn those things when youre living in prague and budapest or married to a superhot frenchwoman.

midnight tacos is famous for their beef tongue burritos which looks like tongue when they pull it out of the sauce with the tongs but once they split it open with the big knife it looks like ground turkey.

people order tounge at a 2:1 ratio over the pollo at this 24 hour secret treasure of east hollywood right above the vermont and santa monica subway stop.

but when welch ordered the goat the normally speedy white dress shirt, bowtie wearing mexican man had to pause and consider his options.

he pulled the goat meat from one of the warming dishes and placed it on the cutting board to chop it up real good.

he prepared the sloppy thick meal and wrapped it up and charged us two fittie each and we went on our way.

we ate and i asked hows the goat and welch said ggggggggggood.

tofu doesnt do that to you pamela.

coyote + fragrant + earth-info + pillows

im sorry what i said earlier. i take it all back.

today was pretty shitty for most of the day. nothing seemed to go right. my commander had me fly in a little early to have a sit down with me. feelings were hurt. etc.

and then cake was delivered and a pretty girl was talked to and nervousness went through me and now i feel 78 again.

hi.

ah, gemini, you month of change. what other crazy amusement park rides of emotions will you put me through?

im going to take the bus home, im going to inspect the job my new maid did, im going to put on my pajamas, im going to drink a bottle of rum, im going to order a pizza, im going to see what tivo stoked me with.

then im going to pass out on my leather couch as the phone rings off the hook and as cheerleaders pound on my door.

then im going to wake up in the wee hours and i will make myself some hot chocolate and update my fantasy baseball teams.

then im going to read the bible and lay myself to sleep.

then im going to wake up and begin the beguine.

friday the thirteenth thanks for letting me appreciate the good times that i do have. without cold we dont appreciate warm. without dark we dont appreciate light.

without twosomes we dont appreciate threesomes.

without turmoil we dont appreciate bliss.

merry christmas, friday.

happy new year.

jumping people + dr. t + bukakke gone wild

fuck you friday the 13th.

very few things are going down today at the agency without a struggle. i hate it. i want to go home. i want to go home right now. i dont want to do anything but go home right this minute.

im on my lunch break. im writing you. i wrote the hottest girl here and sorta asked her what shes doing tomorrow. ok i did ask her what shes doing tomorrow. i asked her two other dumb questions. maybe she will think im dumb for asking. thats fine. i am dumb. and im dumb for asking.

i asked her if she liked scary movies and i asked her if she liked reggae.

i was invited to a birthday party tomorrow that im not sure if i can go to. but if i can i want to go with this gurl.

its a little more sunny here in la than its been but friday the thirteenth is here and doesnt want it to be too nice.

this is the month of gemini. things are supposed to be good this month. what the hell is happening?

i watched, and enjoyed the amazing race last night.

i have a new maid who should be in my apartment right now saying aye carumba!

the old maid was caught stealing.

she took my old mavica.

this new guy at the xbi followed her home and then went through her things and found some stolen rubber gloves, and coffee mugs from some restaurants. weird little things that cant bring in too much money, but some thieves are like that.

so many more interesting things for her to steal from my mansion and yet she didnt.

very odd.

people are so weird.

but fortunately theyre weird in super nice ways too.

but still, fuck you friday the thirteenth. today i miss karisa just that much more.

dc + splink + treacher

who are my heroes. i have several friends who are also my heroes. kate sullivan is very near the top of that list.

today if you live in los angeles and youre one of the many who pick up the LA Weekly you will see a campy retro portrait of Rodney Bingenheimer, a hollywood icon, wonderfully featured by our very own kate.

rodney has been a fixture in punk alternative and underground music here in southern california since the advent of radio.

in a town of famous radio djs rodney is not only still standing, but rocking out just as hard.

the way things go in la radio are like this: rodney discovers it on kroq on sundays around 11pm, the college station kxlu plays it for months, then when that band comes out on a major label rodney will play it again, then kroq will play it in the daytime, then a video will get made, then mtv will play it, then it will become huge, then the rest of the country’s “modern rock” stations will play it.

rodney has introduced the fine music of the sex pistols, the ramones, the go gos, x, the clash, black flag, depeche mode, the smiths, wham, the bangles, nirvana, blur, elastica, the strokes, the white stripes, and now the donnas.

if you want to see the future of rock go no further than the Rodney on the Roq show.

rodney is a big fan of girl groups. hes a big fan of japanese girls. hes a big fan of brit pop. and he even had tsar headline one of his club dates.

i love rodney and i love kate and i love that they melded minds and got a cover story out of it.

apparently the LA Film Festival will be screening a documentary about rodney which the weekly says is the centerpiece of the festival.

he’s the mayor of the sunset strip, what more would you expect?

i love rodney not just because he has championed new music that i have ended up loving, like Teenage Fanclub and Shonen Knife, but because he does it with a wimpy ass totally real voice that sounds nothing like what you’d expect from a quote unquote dj on la’s most influential radio station..

i love him because he’s loyal to his favorite bands and artists, i love him because hes one freaky dude, and i love him because i have run into him at canter’s, clubs, and the now defunct rocknroll dennys next to guitar center and he was always nice and even once posed with me for a picture.

what more could you want from a legend?

i love kate because shes hot, gives great hugs, and not only meets all my favorite people but gets paid to write down what they say to her.

long live kate and long live rodney.

kate sullivan meets rodney bingenheimer

i wish i could tell you about them.

today ashley called me from las vegas.

today i wrote the hottest chick at work an email.

i said

hi, did you see old school?

she wrote back with a

hi, yes.

in sales they teach you to keep the customer saying yes.

the idea is that when you ask for the sale they’ll have a habit of saying yes to you and they’ll feel comfortable saying yes when you want them to.

i wasnt that sort of salesman.

i would tell them about their choices and then have them decide.

sometimes they would want to go home and think about it, and then i would close them, because, well, that was the game.

if you tricked someone into buying something, eventually they would want to bring it back. lots of times it was within a week.

then you would have to deal with the return, and very rarely would they exchange it, so i recommend never to trick people into things.

i would close them by saying i didnt care if they bought that night, but why not think about it while its at your house.

theories i told them are ok

but if you have the chance to actually experience it, risk free, well, it would be sorta logical to take it home and try it out.

later in the day i saw the hottest chick at work at the bagel shop across the street

some girls take the confidence right out of me.

i like those girls.

i like being nervous for no good reason.

my buddy went to the maxim hundred hottest chick party last night here in hollywood.

this is a good town for events like those.

i told this website that i would like to go to hollywood parties for them and write about it as a blog.

they said whats a blog.

i told them the wall street journal has a blog and i told them about all the other sites that have blogs and they told me that blogs were juvenile and i said but i want to go to famous peoples homes who are throwing hollywood parties and i want to take pictures of the feet of the famous and the bathrooms and their elbows.

i told them i wanted to call the blog elbows and assholes.

i learned that phrase from one of the marines at the xbi. one of the old school ones.

he said that out in the fight if it was particularilly heavy gunfire they would say we were up in our elbows and assholes in shit.

they told me that blogs were unprofessional and sent me on my way.

problem is i have no way.

i havent seen a naked girl in weeks.

fuckin president.

jennyeah