and the bells should ring and the kids should be let out of their cages and the birds should sing and the skies should let the sun shine in.

i first met our birthday girl on a hayride in malibu.

she wore granny clothes back them because she wasnt so sure about showing off her bod, which was hot, and is hotter than the picture tries to project, but photography doesnt have enough curves to show you this young woman’s incredible physique.

and the web doesnt know how to capture and translate heart. and christine rene is all heart.

boobs and heart.

gorgeous blue eyes, a sharp mind capable of 400 pt scrabble scores, a tantalizing neck, pure heart and nice boobs.

and patience.

this gurl stood by me for five years.

i got fired once while i was with her, i started my own business, i also sold hot dogs, i watched way too much tv, i didnt take her out nearly enough, and still she was patient.

i told her secrets to her parents over the holidays, i made her best friend not talk to her for a while, i barraged her with kisses and bad breath and constant i love yous and still she was there for me even after i moved to la and left her behind with my 15″ cerwin vegas.

i love this girl america and she will even put up with me saying so on the internet.

thats love.

she will put up with it even though she has a new man. a taller richer handsomer man who has actually done something with his life other than interview people hes never met. shes no dummy.

she called tonight wondering if the anna interview was about her and i said how could it be about you she said she didnt know i said chris i love you, i would marry you right now. i got no problem with you.

she said i know.

i said, so you’ll marry me?

she said no.

thats how we talk to each other. its like birds in the night.

coo coo?

plllllooooo pllllloooo.

coo cooo?

plllloooo plllloooo.

for a while my coo coos were answered by her cooo coos and magic was created and i know that that doesnt last forever. and even if it does last, not everything lasts forever.

except true love.

which i still have for her.

and i always will.

till the last maggot eats the last bits

of my dumbass heart.

sleeping + toobin + nice shirt + at ken and lauras wedding + last days + old chat

and if you cant do that, tell us what you see

(p.s. dont be shy, i didnt paint it)

it’s not art any more to me. it’s not punk rock. it’s not an acheivement. all it is is a symbol of organization and planning. which isnt art.

in fact im starting to think that if you have thousands of naked bodies why arent you doing something with them?

have them clean a park. have them pick up syringes on the beach. have them all vote democrat.

but have them get on their knees and bend at the back so all we see are hunched backs? i dont get it.

if the artist is saying that the human body is beautiful and dramatic and grand in large numbers, prove it. have them show their naughty bits.

have them kung fu fighting.

have them all playing chess. have them all playing twister. have them all typing on typewriters writing shakespeare.

have them all curing aids.

art isnt what it used to be back in the day when everyone was painting their asses off. now they have people showing their asses off, so i say lets see a thousand moons over miami. i mean, seriously. what is the damn use if youre not going to use it?

must i solve all the worlds problems?

you know my problem today?

my problem is that i miss karisa today.

i missed her yesterday too. we dont really have set days that we hang out or talk on the phone. but usually on sundays we’ll talk and talk and sometimes hang out.

but this week shes on the east coast on top secret assignment. away from me. and because of this the clouds are gray.

june gloom indeed.

luke ford + frost + tha weissblog

but its not so.

you can get on the busblog if youre writing good songs, or singing good songs, or shredding on guitar or dressing like a skank ho, but a normal ho isnt such a sure thing as the normal ho look can be found in any window in the mall these days.

jewel. didnt you have a poetry book a year or two ago?

it makes me sad when pretty girls think that they have to slap their bitch up and dance the seven veils for us at halftime of an nba finals so more units can get rung up at the virgin megastore. at what point do you look yourself in the eyeliner and say its time to crawl back in the back into the minivan with your mom and drive back to alaska?

people think that mariah became the best selling female artist in history because sex sells. mariah became the best selling female artist because she can sing her ass off And because sex sells. its the one two punch. if you only have one or the other you dont have mariah you either have a good singer or a ho. neither are guaranteed to sell.

jewel knows better than this. eve six knows better than this. mtv and even david stern knows better than this, but they keep hoeing out america teaching the kids the wrong lessons and putting things on the tv that we dont want.

we do want sex. we do want sexy singers. but we dont want jewel. we want lil kim. we want xtina. we want traci lords. you people know who we want but you give us these second and third rate falling stars instead.

destiny’s child we want. we dont care what jerseys they wear. britney will do in a pinch.

the laker girls are always good. who cares what the lakers do.

but we dont want jewel unless shes in the pages of playboy, or legs crossed with a guitar yodelling something worthwhile.

next time deliver us bjork.

who can sing.

and who might make us actually tune into a jersey / san antonio game three.

or better yet the donnas, who are hot in many ways, who rock in more ways, and show that you dont need to show off your ass to rock a house party.

bukkake pictures + moxie tells all + makeout city

so lets rock.

found myself talking to a writer, a real writer, a writer who could look around his house and see all the things he bought for himself because of typing, and we discussed how to keep the blog fresh, how to keep the flow flowing. how to keep it together. how to make it happen.

and i kept thinking who the hell am i to do anything other than listen. im no pro.

but i do know what its like when there is no flow. and i also know when there is. and i know what its like to have nothing to say for the people of the blogworld. and i know when you want to say everything, but youre ascared of Those Who Will Judge negatively. so that also means i know when i check myself before i wreck myself.

and my advise to him was wreck yourself.

then bring yourself back to life right before their eyes.

think of the blog as your indoor underground all night seethrough plexiglass basement basketball court.

sometimes the hotties find their way down to the gallery and you can see them up there drinking their cosmos and watching you and the fellas three on three but most the times youre just shooting free throws and practicing the baby hook.

a few times a week you should work on your slam dunks. the around the back through the leg 180 switch hands one isnt bad to begin with but the bounce run catch freethrow line takeoff jordan 88 hang timey one isnt bad either.

hang on the rim if you want but its a blog so you probably shouldnt beat your chest too hard.

i like the real world paris a lot because the girl that everyone likes is about 10 minutes away from where i grew up.

i got my braces in her hometown.

and, again, sadly, the black dude is crazy. even though he is from beverly hills. even though his mouth looks just like lionel richie’s. even though he says his dad was in the commodores. even though he plays right into my theory that very few kids of rich parents end up normal.

and i liked the hillary clinton interview today.

our president couldnt conduct himself like that and simply answer questions like her. hard questions. personal questions.

and i dont have to tell her life isnt fair.

the senator from new york grew up in park ridge illinois, the same neighborhood where tracy degrazia grew up. who i had a massive crush on when i was an ice cream man, and inspired me to write the stamp when i was twenty one, and who, if any of you know, i would be indebted to if you found.

same goes for stacy goodner, but for different reasons.

i told this pro writer to be fearless as fuck that if what you wrote in a blog lost you money or got you canned or got you in trouble or fucked up your shit then your shit wasnt so great in the first place, or maybe your writing wasnt all that.

his is solid though, so he shouldnt have any trouble.

and its one am, and people have left me nice aol messages, and special offers, but i will turn them all down, cuz i am a good boy

and the only risks one should take

are on the tightrope that we type on that stretches and bounces between snoozable and sensational.

and if you fuck up, just get up.

fussy + kevyn malone + bunnie

im watching the two hour cubs yankees pregame show on espn classic. the audio is all messed up. theyll probably blame it on the rain.

fine. blame it on the rain.

it’s raining cuz the lord doesnt want sammy to play today cuz he doesnt deserve to, cuz cubs yankees regular season games are immoral. epecially at wrigley, the finest ballpark ever made.

and especially at night.

yesterday i got to hang out with alot of my old friends and today i get to watch a lot of my old heroes.

im seeing sandberg and suttcliff, santo and banks, they just did this thing on harry.

the cheesy broadcasters are getting rained on and the wind is blowing out just like the grand canyon, id do my laundry but i dont have a female companion.

hey ladies.

get. funky.

did a big ass photo essay of love for you, in honor of the birthday boy, mr. jeff solomon, who made this computer that created these words and pictures, and who is one of the greatest men to walk the earth.

it was a great party where i got to see long lost friends like debbie urlick and mr. todd francis, got to eat from the grill of steve coulter, and got to hang with the coolest people this side of the 101 freeway.

chris made guacamole and she should have made five times the amount because everyone raved.

everyone got along. jew and gentile. montague and bonaparte.

they had told jeff that coulters bar needed to be moved from kims house so he came right over and we said suprise!

got home drunk, fell asleep on the couch in a naked heap and woke up twelve hours later to high heels walking across the hardwood, a door open, and the same door slam shut.

then i figured i’d write you.

bing + jenny + trueboy + jaime + ymi + because of riley dog

but todays birthday boy jeff solomon might just be the nicest. and there is competition.

solomon, the bass player of tsar, turns ninety nine years old today. congratulations.

just like welch and amy and ben and whalen and dylan don and dan charlie and bonnie jen and czaben and scheer and dougiegyro and jeanine and aj and ali and joel and broome and denis and sandy and everyone, solomon wrote for the college paper with me. we even wrote a few stories together, including this one.

jeff was the county editor with max when i started and during the persian gulf war we were both associate editors.

although he has never been married, i did attend his bachelor party in santa barbara where many of us jammed into a porn shop video room and watched a few minutes of big mamma jamma which i highly recommend for any bachelor party.

even though he played in many bands in isla vista, he was never upset when i would say that the wonderfuls were my favorite band, even though he didnt play with the wonderfuls.

after spending time in prague in a band that didnt include whalen so they naturally called it whalen, solomon moved to frisco and joined greg from the wonderfuls to form san franciscos best rock band of the nineties, thee mystakes.

i managed thee mystakes. the only reason that nobody knows that thee mystakes were the best band in frisco at the time was because i was the manager and i was experimenting with reverse psychology and esp.

during this time i had my own installation business. i would go to peoples homes and hook up their audio/video systems, home theatres, satellite dishes, and computers.

i charged $50 an hour. i advertised through the salesmen at good guys and circuit city and sears. because i had trained every one of them as a rep for philips and webtv and microsoft they all knew me and trusted me. and i gave them a ten percent kickback. being in those stores i learned that the missing link was installation of the items. typically it took a week or two to get installation and rarely was it any good.

so when i found that i was working for microsoft, who i felt didnt need my help, no offense, i quit and sold peanuts at candlestick at night, and hooked up peoples shit in the day.

i had a good thing going until solomon asked if he could work for me.

at the time i had a great relationship with my girlfriend who i lived with, i was watching baseball almost every day, i was driving a brand new explorer, and i was the manager of my favorite band. and strangely all of that made me very lazy.

i was too content.

life wasnt hard enough.

so when solomon offered to split my income in half, at first i saw it as a bad thing, but soon i saw it as the opportunity to get motivated.

part of the laziness that i had before solomon (bs) was that i would turn down small jobs or jobs far away. one of the best things about my company is i would go to sacramento or reno or santa cruz, next day. i’d charge a little more, but i love those towns, why not go there, write off a sweet room, take my girl on a long weekend and meet some cool customers in reno? but bs i pushed those back a few more days than i should have.

when solomon showed up not only did i take those right away, but it was fun because solomon’s the best and it was great to have a second opinion on how to do things. and we got things done faster, especially the wiring, and we discovered something that i hadnt ever noticed before which solomon rectified immediately.

one time while crawling under a house in davis i found myself face to face with a dead rat and i screamed.

we finished the job and as was the norm, returned when the customer realized that they wanted to wire more rooms and give us more of their endless amounts of money and home cooked food and teenage daughters and incredible stories.

so we returned and jeff said that he would crawl under the house and i never had to crawl under that shit again.

we found out that that was the best way to do things because i would be talking to the customers and explaining what we were doing and teaching them how to use their new equipment and calling their salesmen and ordering more stuff for them to get which i would in turn install.

while jeff dealt with the rats.

my hero.

you’d think that would have been enough right there for me to not put up the gayest picture of him that i have.

and it is.

this isnt the gayest picture i have of jeff.

we installed for a nice little run there for awhile. always together. rarely would we do an install without the other person.

some jobs took forever cuz im a dumbass and some jobs took a matter of minutes and we felt guilty for charging our fifty dollar minimum but not only would people pay us, but many times theyd give us fat tips.

and yes they did introduce me to their daughters, who were all beautiful, and rich, and amazed by my handimanliness.

sometimes it would be late and jeff would drive the explorer back to the mission and he’d light up a smoke and we’d listen to the radio and talk and talk and talk.

one day whalen called.

solomon played with greg from the wonderfuls, and whalen was playing with coulter and dan from the wonderfuls.

whalen wanted to know if it would be ok if he asked solomon to join tsar and replace welch who was stealing too much of the limelight.

whalen knew that he was not only breaking up my business, but also my favorite band.

i remembered one of the conversations that solomon and i had had when i asked him what life he would lead if he could do anything.

he said he would travel around playing in a rock band with his friends.

not soon after solomon moved to la i also moved to la and then pretty much everyone moved to la which was great because we have gotten to see tsar from day one, or day two.

and here it is day five and its sounding better than ever and rock’s gaping wanting hole is about to be filled and satisfied.

jeff solomon is not only responsible for being the secret weapon of la’s finest rock group, but he is also the architect and engineer of the home computer that i type this very entry from.

he not only repairs and improves it, but he does it for free, and he does it for all of our friends, all the time. with a smile.

the only way the busblog and tonypierce.com could be coming to your asses and the ships at sea from a 400mhz p2 running both win2k and win me is because its totally taken care of by solomon, the lion of judah, the valley’s own, and the only member of tsar with his own shrine webpage.

one day tsar will put out four simultaneous solo albums.

dont be suprised if solomons outsells them all.

ok, be very suprised, but dont be suprised if you play his more than you expected.

22 fillmore + jeff s. rocks + tsar

nVIDIA’s E3 Party

(not safe for work)

and ran and ran.

sound barriers being broken everywhere.

every hot chick at the xbi said nice things to me today.

and the hottest of all looked at me a few times.

and i may have even looked back.

there was a plane crash in la today pretty close to where i was at the moment.

kept running.

got on the bus there was a traffic jam. we crept along. i read my new favorite magazine, the week. passed a man on the corner, firetruck, stretcher, looked dead.

there are kids on the bus suddenly because schools out. the kids are loud. they have a lot of hair. i don’t envy their youth i envy their hair.

all you kids who read this. dye your hair more.

two fat punk rock girls got to the top of the escalator and said to the first person they saw, which way is wilshire. free. loud. stinky fresh.

hot dog man now wears safety goggles because theres nothing that fucker does wrong.

if i had a cable access talk show called bloggers with raymi as my sidekick i would have lisa marie presley on every single time as a guest. im watching her on howard stern. again. tell me whats better.

there is no finer interviewer than howard stern. he’s fearless.

fuck the media for not acknowledging his dominance, influence, talent, and on-going success.

when rush limbaugh was hot everyone talked about him and referenced him and there were features after features about him.

they actually wanted us to admire an obese, narrow minded, one sided, bald headed, wrong ass playa hata.

you know why nobody listens to rush limbaugh anymore?

because he told us that clinton was bad and bush was good.

ran a block as fast as i could.

then stopped and didn’t move an inch

red. green.

then ran as fast as i could down the next block.

hauled ass down the sidewalk because its friday and you cant get me

unless you catch me

but my shadow wont even get me tonight.

madpony on vacation + i can blog + red sugar muse + ev