and weirdly they could be yours

karisa and i had a great time at the xbi christmas party. im hungover now. and i have to put together something for the Screen Savers so i have to make this short.

karisa called me at 5pm saying that she was feeling ill. so she went home and took a power nap and called me at 7pm and had rallied. shes the ultimate trooper.

she picked me up at 8:30p looking devistating in a little chinese girl outfit complete with long dangling earrings with tiny stars on the ends. gorgeous.

we got to the Hollywood Palladium where i had seen many beastie boys concerts, i saw the replacements there, i interviewed Rollins there before a Gwar show. id seen the chili peppers there, id seen, shit, so many shows. and there we were dancing like in olden times when sinatra would play.

full bar. free bar. great bar. lots of stations everywhere. loved it. the lines weren’t so bad.

then there was the food. i believe wolfgang puck catered. it wasnt bad.

the decorations were wonderful.

max factor were doing makeovers for people in the champaign room.

karisa and i danced and danced. that was nice.

earlier in the evening i was looking for proper shoes to wear. i wore a sweater and slacks and i wanted some dress shoes.

i literally turned my bed upside down looking for these shoes that i never wear.

i could not find the shoes and a little voice said

tony, if youre bringing a chick as hot as karisa you can wear any fucking shoes you want.

and that voice couldnt be more right.

even the transexuals on the dancefloor agreed.

and here i am hungover and happy.

thanks karisa for once again being a great date.

more pics + we also went together in 2003 + in 2002 i was pimping you raymi

who passed away this morning here in Los Agneles?

groundbreaking, trailblazing, funny as hell, multi-dimensional, terrific actor, and without whom there wouldnt have been eddie murphy,

chris rock or dave chappelle.

well, maybe those guys would have been around,

but it wouldnt have been as easy for them if pryor hadnt made them seem tame in comparison.

Here are some quotes from the Man, followed by the script of a skit he did in the first season of SNL.

On being Black: “It’s been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.”

“I went to Zimbabwe…I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me!”

“I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.”

“I’d like to make you laugh for about ten minutes though I’m gonna be on for an hour.”

“When I did cocaine, I felt like a new man… and he wanted some too.”

“Justice in the courts? Yeah, there’s justice in the courts…just us niggers!”

“When you ain’t got no money, you gotta get an attitude.”

[as televangelist] “People are always asking me, Reverend; if you need money so bad, why don’t you sell one of your houses, or cars or get rid of some of that jewelry?’ And I always reply, ‘Are you crazy!'”
[looks at the phone bank]
“How much money have we raised so far? None! OK, this is a message for all you white people out there. Part of the money we raise tonight will go to the Back to Africa movement and… [every phone rings]

—————-

Racist Word Association Interview

Interviewer…..Chevy Chase
Mr. Wilson…..Richard Pryor

Interviewer: Alright, Mr. Wilson, you’ve done just fine on the Rorshact.. your papers are in good order.. your file’s fine.. no difficulties with your motor skills.. And I think you’re probably ready for this job. We’ve got one more psychological test we always do here. It’s just a Word Association. I’ll throw you out a few words – anything that comes to your mind, just throw back at me, okay? It’s kind of an arbitrary thing. Like, if I say “dog”, you’d say..?

Mr. Wilson: “Tree”.

Interviewer: “Tree”. [ nods head, prepares the test papers ] “Dog”.

Mr. Wilson: “Tree”.

Interviewer: “Fast”.

Mr. Wilson: “Slow”.

Interviewer: “Rain”.

Mr. Wilson: “Snow”.

Interviewer: “White”.

Mr. Wilson: “Black”.

Interviewer: “Bean”.

Mr. Wilson: “Pod”.

Interviewer: [ casually ] “Negro”.

Mr. Wilson: “Whitey”.

Interviewer: “Tarbaby”.

Mr. Wilson: [ silent, sure he didn’t hear what he thinks he heard ] What’d you say?

Interviewer: [ repeating ] “Tarbaby”.

Mr. Wilson: “Ofay”.

Interviewer: “Colored”.

Mr. Wilson: “Redneck”.

Interviewer: “Junglebunny”.

Mr. Wilson: [ starting to get angry ] “Peckerwood!”

Interviewer: “Burrhead”.

Mr. Wilson: [ defensive ] “Cracker!”

Interviewer: [ aggressive ] “Spearchucker”.

Mr. Wilson: “White trash!”

Interviewer: “Jungle Bunny!”

Mr. Wilson: [ upset ] “Honky!”

Interviewer: “Spade!

Mr. Wilson: [ really upset ] “Honky Honky!”

Interviewer: [ relentless ] “Nigger!”

Mr. Wilson: [ immediate ] “Dead honky!” [ face starts to flinch ]

Interviewer: [ quickly wraps the interview up ] Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you’re qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

Mr. Wilson: Your momma!

Interviewer: [ fumbling ] Uh.. $7,500 a year?

Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!

Interviewer: [ desperate ] $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You’ll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don’t.. don’t hurt me, please..

Mr. Wilson: Okay.

Interviewer: [ relieved ] Okay.

Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?

Interviewer: Oh, no, no.. that’s alright. I’ll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.

[ fade ]

impressive photo tribute over at buzznet, thnx boink! + golden fiddle + technorati

doesnt mean that im not antisemetic because it’s a faraway love. a starcrush. a fantasyfling.

a daydream.

a sigh.

plus i dont like the title of her new movie “jesus is magic” and i wont go to it.

even though i bet its awesome.

religious humor to me is the the only type thats over-the-line. partially because it’s too easy, and partially because its not nice to make fun of other peoples faith.

anything else is fine.

with that said, id totally bone sarah silverman if she wasnt dating jimmy kimmel, whose show ive attended twice now and respect. and i dont bone girlfriends of people i respect, which is why i used to accept paris hiltons drunk text pages until she started dating perez hilton.

anyways, thanks to todays Metafilter i learned that sarah has a new Christmas video out called Give the Jew Girl Toys

which only increases my fantasy hardon for her.

i know its a joke and shes not gonna take over the Chappelle Show but she totally should.

Blacks and Jews have far more in common than what seperates us

ok thats totally a lie

but i still think she should take over for chappelle on the Chappelle Show and do half of the skits in blackface

ted danson in blackface – not funny

sarah silverman in blackface – funny

santa, give the jew girl toys – funny

these snippets from her new movie that i wont go see unless its on a date with a jewish girl adn then laugh about afterwards at canters in the wee hours and then take pictures of rodney bingenheimer – funny

hairbrained fear that LA is gonna riot if Tookie Williams gets executed – very funny – however perfect timing for my Christmas looting needs.

by the way, if you were interested in an autographed copy of Stiff before Christmas now would be an excellent time to order one. not only are supplies running short, but i’m a triflin negro who doesnt always have his shit together – therefore if youve already have an order in and havent yet received it, email me with the subject header of “wtf” and make sure to tell me when you paypaled my ass.

i dont think there are any outstanding orders that im unaware of, but i just wanna make sure.

splink + jmo + alert status blond + spidercamp

what do you say? here in LA this shit happens all the time, its just very odd for it to happen to me.

truly there are dozens of shows being taped all over this town.

but today in a studio about four blocks from the front door of my true love the cameras were aimed at me and everything that i said got shot around the entire world.

50 million people they tell me.

and theres so much i forgot to say cuz it went speeding by soooo quickly.

i wanted to say

hi

i wanted to say

merry christmas

i wanted to say

anyone can succeed at blogging with a little practice

i wanted to say

i love you

i wanted to say

it’s ok.

god was i nervous today. i was nervous all day. but it was a good nervous.

i told the lovely producer named cat that i dont experiment with the things that they poisoned me with in college any more,

not because i have anything against it but because theres bigger highs out there now, ones that make you see trippy things or feel weird feelings

but in the morn you dont have to recover for a whole day.

or be paranoid that the cops are going to crash through the window.

i was late for the chauffered ford expedition, i was burning a tsar cd for cat, i was trying to find my ipod headphones

but i didnt need them because me and the driver became instant friends and we talked all the way there through not so bad traffic

and we talked all the way home through really horrible rushhour traffic. fuck!

and nearly when i got home i asked him if it would be cool if we went through the drive through and he said sure and i had realized that i hadnt eaten all day except for a little nibble of a rice krispies treat in the green room

and i gorged that mc rib and thought about getting makeup applied on my swill mug and bald head

and i thought about meeting the kool kids from the tv station

and i thought about how amazingly comfortable i felt in front of the cameras

so much so that i didnt even notice them. i just talked to kevin and blazed through his questions and didnt shake and didnt stutter and didnt stammer and didnt do a lot of the things that i do in regular life

for some reason the addrenalin and the butterflies took over and blocked the demons who were so shocked that i was even there that they didnt stand a chance.

and there was a dude in the hallway that i met after the deal who said that he was the one who got me on the show and i want to thank him and apologize for not remembering his name but my mind was blown and if he emails me i will send him a book

because in a year where many many many cool things happened to me

this was the coolest.

and when i finally got home and sat down in front of the tv

and saw myself in that profile i smiled from ear to ear and said

shit, im getting fat.

i took this one so you could see what i saw + the set + the the avi + thanks to everyone, especially cat! + the web interview

two years ago tomorrow on the busblog the only blog you’ll read today written by an african american let me say a few things about how i feel about kwanza, since its approaching and all.

fuck fucking kwanza.

motherfuckers.

kwanza.

our fucking dude was born and youre going to even for a second whip out some fucking bullshit kwanza nonsense.

motherfucking santa claus wasnt enough?

my bro ian drove me home today from work. we were going to the mountainside hollywood hills secret lair so usually we just go straight up wilton.

wilton north of beverly has some kickass homes. two million dollar ones. million dollar ones. big ones. bigger ones.

huge ones.

on some of the huge ones i saw some equally huge christmas decorations. i saw a blowup snowman that was at least a story tall and twenty feet wide.

i saw christmas lights the size of footballs.

and yes, i saw some gigantic images of santa claus.

of all the people in the world who should be saying, man im glad you were born, my lord, it would be them.

but instead they celebrate the birth of their messiah with huge images of winnie the pooh wearing a fake white beard

like fools.

and then theres kwanza.

one thing black people can do well is praise jesus. we do it better than anyone in the world. the music we make when we do it might be the most magical of all music, the preachers we have might be the best there ever were, and the clothes we wear to church are the sharpest.

then on the flip side we have our brothers and sisters who are muslim, and watch them pray. they win at praying. they win at pilgrimiging. they win at letting their spirituality become a solid and regular part of their lives.

with those two options, theres no need for any damn kwanza. some watered down bullshit made up strip mall phony holiday so you can wear a koofi? fuck that shit. we need to focus up on the biggest birthday of the year. we dont need no stinkin kwanza getting in the way.

black folk, the racists want us to have kwanza. it makes us look ridiculous and lost. kwanza represents something missing from being Christian. racists dont want black folk being Christian. they dont want to be equals to us. they dont want to share beliefs, they dont want to have anything to do with us, cuz they know that familiarity destroys ignorance, and only the ignorant can remain hateful.

worst thing you could do to a racist is go to his church, stand next to his daughter, sing the songs better, know the word better, and exclusively talk about america as if its your home and has been for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years longer than him.

watch him smile when you talk about africa, cuz thats where he wants you.

keep your koofi.

pass the turkey.

read the bible.

f old santa

and the kwanza

and the reign deer

and the pooh bear.

and the sleigh bells

and the dead trees.

get on your knees

thank the savior

wrap your presents

say your dumb prayers.

negrophile + laist + free keg of stella tomorrow in burbank

Baldilocks emailed me and told me that even though she disagrees with me on a lot of major topics, and even though she was sorta turned off by all the hotbabe content that i have on the busblog,

for some reason she respects me and wanted to let me know that she had just put the busblog on her permalinks.

and ive gotta say, thats class.

so give it up to Baldilocks, who i disagree with alot, and am turned off by the lack of hotbabe content that she has on her respectable blog, and because she’s leading the way of class i put her on my blogroll to the left, and on todays daily specials.

leave it to a baldheded african american pajamas media conservative to show us all how its done.

i got to bed early last night because of the evenings hot chick.

i have no idea why ive had such luck in that area but when it rains it pours.

perhaps the word got out that i had a new bed and the ladies were curious.

perhaps the shickzas (sp?) found out that i was interested in dating some nice jewish girls so i could find out if i was indeed anti-semetic and wanted to distract me away from my mission.

maybe its just been a little too cold at night here in hollywood and these aspiring runway models have become bored with their electric blankets.

regardless, ive not had to click the switch on mine for a week and im grateful.

the problem though with guests is they dont always want to watch the television programs that you want to watch and some of them dont even want to watch television at all(!)

obviously i have no long-term future with them but last night i was able to catch up on the Apprentice and Survivor with a little lady who had also not seen the last two episodes of either of these so i got a nice fire going, ordered some Indian to be delivered and we camped out in front of the 35-incher.

and may i say, as far as a first date goes, you can learn a lot from a woman after watching four hours of reality tv with her. far more than going to dinner and a movie.

with reality shows you can discover how her mind works, how she is with strategy, what she things about relationships, communication, fair play, and politics. plus how can you beat being under a blanket with a fire blazing with the lights off?

she won me over when, during the latest episode of Survivor she agreed with me about the Survivor Curse of the Car.

each season Survivor has an episode that includes a challenge where the winner receives a Brand New Car. and over the last 10 years of Survivor they have had an interesting pattern where whoever wins the car eventually gets voted off by their obviously-jealous tribespeople.

so what Survivor did brilliantly last night was 1) acknowledge the “Curse of the Car” and then 2) offer to quell the Curse

what those fuckers did was roll out THREE other cars, and Jeff Probst said, ok, heres an option, either you can keep your car or you can avoid the curse by declining your car but give a car to each of your four other members of your tribe.

now maybe i am a socialist liberal commie fuck that some accuse me of being, but Immediately i thought, “when would i ever have the chance to give four people a car, and look like a hero by giving up my car to do it? id go for it.” and just as i thought that, chickie said it aloud.

and just as she said it the Dumbfuck on the tv said that she was going to keep the car which of course doubled the pissed-off natural reaction of her fellow gameplayers and 15 minutes later on the show they voted her selfish ass off.

but what was most interesting was, as the gay dude Rafe was sorta whining to Steph the hottie from the previous Survivior who was allowed to come back and is doing really well… he said what me and my date said which was that he would have given the cars to the tribe instead of keeping the one for himself.

i believe he was sincere.

steph though was shocked at this and said no way that she would have kept the car. in part because she had never had a new car before, but who knows, maybe shes a bit selfish.

now i can understand being close to 30 and wanting a new car after never having one before, but with only 5 people left in the game, youre soooo close to winning $1 million. are you really that stupid, politcally, to think that if you give four people cars theyre gonna vote you off a half hour later?

and dont you think that if you do something that cool that if you make it in the final two that you might have just won over the entire jury?

further, you’ve gotta be a pretty badass player to KEEP the car and think that the four people you dissed would still vote for you from the jury.

my lady friend completely agreed with me and since we were stoked at how smart we both were we made out and… fell asleep before the end of the latest episode of the Apprentice ended. so dont tell me what happened.

baldilocks + blog goodies + rockit

the cubs finally did the right thing and got themselves a proper lead off man, my friend marilyn manson married finally did the right thing and married his true love dita von teese,

and for some reason i was accused of being anti-Semitic because i dared question the cadre of right wing bloggers who make up the surprisingly ridiculous pajamas media.

as the week progressed more and more blogs picked up on the theory and some supported my speculation that because the Bush administration has been caught corrupting every other form of media in america and has recently been caught paying for goodnews stories aka propaganda to be printed in iraqi newspapers that theres a great likelihood that theyre also involved in propaganda and/or corruption in omg… blogs,

specifically.

yes blogs, the last frontier.

(until al gore invents a new frontier)

some agreed that pajamas media sure isnt acting like a shrewd business or even a freewheeling dot com – theyre acting suspicious and queer and freaky and sorta drunk but not happy drunk or horny drunk but sleepy drunk, the worst drunk possible when youre trying to steer a ship or a zeppelin or a train.

and of course there were those who disagreed with me and said that i was jealous or that i was crazy. one guy even said that my ideas would be taken more seriously if i hadnt been cursed with being just so fucking dumb, because, apparently, if youre dumb even your correct theories have no validity.

some said that i was wacky to assume that the group of righties, some of whom had reacted to the iraqi newspaper propaganda scandal with support for the behavior, would actively participate in propaganda. but sadly they never explained how if someone agrees with the practice, they wouldn’t actually be party to it. nor did they ever explain how bloggers were less likely to participate in what lots of other journalists have already lowered themselves too.

exactly what is it about we bloggers that makes us incorruptible – except for those of us who pose such questions as we are obviously solely interested in hits and therefore raising our ad rates.

some said that it was ridiculous to recklessly throw upstanding citizens like glenn reynolds into a hairbrained theory that he and his pals were involved in wartime psyops. law professors arent interested in psyops

anymore.

which is probably why the instapundit, the chair of the pajamas media ed board deleted his psyops blog.

i mean who wants to confuse their readers into having them think that they actually support such things. let alone chuckle at them or encourage them so they can pass them along.

no i dont think that pajamas media is being secretly funded by the same people who paid off armstrong williams, or who paid the lincoln group, who manufactured “news” for television stations, who gave jeff gannon a years worth of day passes into the west wing, or who decided to accept the findings of the science board report to the defense department.

why buy the cow when the milk is free?

why secure 70 blogs’ ad space real estate to spread your message inbetween selling circuit city ads?

hey the GOP has the executive branch, both wings of congress, the supreme court, the coalition of the willing, gasoline prices are dropping, saddam’s squirming in court, and despite all the scandals menacing the senate majority leader and the house majority leader and the vp’s cheif of staff, there would be no reason what so ever to have an in with some of the blogosphere’s heaviest hitters next november.

im so retarded.

no wonder i cant find the shift key.

but retardation isnt what im concerned the most about, believe it or not. my pal jeff goldstein had me thinking – what if i really am anti-semetic? and what if that subconcious faith-based hate made me lash out at my fellow bloggers this week? well thats far more troubling than propaganda seeping into the pristine channels of the interweb.

so heres what ive decided. im gonna get one of those jdate accounts and start dating me some babes.

goldstein asked, and yes, ironically some of my best friends are jewish, but as far as i know i havent made out with a jewish lass before. growing up in the suburbs of chicago i was surrounded by italians and poles, and despite one of my best friends, alan grand being jewish, im pretty sure he was the only one in school.

as for local jewish single blogger chicks on my blogroll, i know of superjux and marissa, but i dont think im cool enough for them, so maybe if they read this they can set me up with a hebrew hottie. cuz i gotta find out if bro is right, i dont think im antisemetic but theres only one way to know for sure: dive in and see what happens.

and if im lucky perhaps xpajamas media blogger and jew luke ford can let me borrow his little black book now that he’s settled down and blissful.

and yes i know that jeff has even recently accused jews of being anti-semetic because of their concerns about pajamas media, but who knows, he might be right about me. i just want to find out if its true.

and maybe while i do my research he can research who else in pajamas has deleted psyops blogs and/or have been given dozens of bush contracts over the years, like pj’s main angel investor

wish me luck.

beastie boys + adam sandler + solomon’s 99th birthday

es 59.

born in pomona and raised in the back rooms and honky tonks and gutters of your weird nightmares, tom waits is the anti-john mayer the anti-seal the anti-coldplay which is why God above created a record label better than the ones who once hired and then ignored this beautiful freak and named that label anti.

his music is like jazz through a broken stereo, his voice is like a cab drivers after a long day and a longer night, his words are like a street urchants whose been touched by an angel and doesnt know how right on he is and youre not so sure you should let it sink in but you should cuz its unpolished unbelievable and uncompromised.

he can sing through a microphone or megaphone and its all the same, powerful. he can whisper or scream but its the same as the buddah raising up that lotus flower: as soon as he does it you get it. you understand. youve reached nirvana.

if burroughs could carry a tune, if bukowski was drunker, if the ramones had a vocabulary, if johnny rotten daydreamed and chilled for a spell.

he plays his harmonica he plays his accordian, he beats on pots and pans, he plays his guitar strung with barbed wire. he wears an old mans hat and old mans pants and old mans suit he doesnt comb his hair he doesnt smoke as much and when he whistles it sounds like a yesterdayland.

he can sing deep and oldschool like satchmo he can falsetto that shit and make you smile. you can look at some of the words on paper and say so but when he belts it out you say whoa. ive never seen an audience savor every single word of even the breaths a performer took inbetween words than at a tom waits show for the exception of one bruce springsteen show in nineteen eighty four and that was during the first cover that the boss ever recorded, jersey girl, written by todays birthday boy.

you may not have any of his records but youve heard his songs and youve seen him act. and if you havent im going to tell you to go watch down by law and pick up either rain dogs or swordfishtrombones. and if you think you can handle it, dip into the black rider or bone machine. or if you wanna play it safe, i suuuupose you can get his solid greatest hits but be careful since every song on there is perfect and wonderful and its just gonna make you get his entire discography of nineteen original albums.

and i didnt sutter when i said original. he has no peers.

no, not even dylan, and if you think that makes me an antisemite youd be wrong again since mr zimmerman is a bornagain christian so ha.

the body of work that mr tom waits has brought to the tapestry of rock is an amazing one in its diversity, imagination, and uniqueness but what i consider his greatest triumph is his creative output began to really peak in his mid thirties and only blossomed as he got older.

typically as singer/songwriters get older their creativity dwindles particularily once they hit 35, the only exception to this rule, so far, has been the aforementioned mr dylan, neil young, and perhaps tom petty but even thats a stretch.

in 1983 when waits was 34 he broke away from his down-n-out loserboy shuffles of his earlier work and delved into the darkness of swordfishtrombones which made way for the breaktrough suprise semi-hit rain dogs and intensely weird yet tender frank’s wild years.

the early nineties saw waits knock out two more resoundingly superb albums, the black rider and bone machine the latter won him his first Grammy for best alternative album. not bad for a fourtysomething in a category of pimply faced wannabes half his age.

but dont get hung up with numbers. tom waits isnt about today. he isnt about tomorrow. and he damn well aint about the future. timeless is the word but that makes him seem over the hill. if you saw waits perform his latest single “make it rain” on the late show with david letterman you saw a guy rock the mic with a power and conviction that a fleet of foo fighters have yet to muster. and bro did it with a fedora and scuffed shoes.

real gone, his latest record that make it rain comes from, is just as solid as any of his collections. and for those of you who liked the song-story of frank from swordfishtrombones or the instant classic whats he building in there, will love circus which is just as vivid and bizarre.

as ive said before the greatest show i ever saw was elvis costello at the beverly back in the eighties and he had tom waits as his mc for half the show. and if youd ask elvis why he only let waits run the festivities of requests and spinning wheels hed probably tell you that he didnt want the show to be stolen by the gravely voiced carnival barker with the five dollar suit.

happy birthday to the man who is one of the glaring ommissions from the rock n roll hall of fame.

circus a newer song + tom waits fan + 4rilla + dhanan