TELEPROMPTER READERS!!!1!1!

?AND WHERES THE AMERICAN FLAG LAPEL PIN FELLAS!?!?!?!?

*head asplodes*

total stranger who had just met me 90 minutes previous

basically said to me, “youre an underachiever”

now is that a compliment or a diss or both.

that 90 minutes were probably the only 90 minutes of my day where i wasnt tooting my own horn. instead we talked about him, my dinner companion, and So-crates.

it had been established that i was working for the major newspaper, the companion was without employ, and he was unwilling to disclose his profession.

and yet i was the one who was doing something wrong?

any time he would dodge the question on how he earned his keep, i shouted out CIA

so was he admitting that i saw through his undercover status and i should be using those spidey senses for a living?

or was he simply another from the long line of xbi stalking around in my shadows desperately attempting to convince me to return to the underground.

he wouldnt let me take his picture.

and yet im kneedeep in halfassery?

took my truest to kanpai, the best sushi place in LA. had a few drinks, ate our fish, stared into each others eyes and said sweet nothings.

at the sushi bar i saw a black man in a suit and overheard him not being all that happy with his food. i thought to myself, hes ordered the wrong things. so as he was settling up his check i told him that i was gonna order three pieces of my favorite dish there, this mysterious fish called Sawara. i dont know what it is in the sauce that kanpai puts on top of it, but its amazing, and blah blah.

hours later we’re still talking and truest and visiting guy were downing shots of sake. they plowed through 4-5 bottles and we all had the weirdest, deepest conversations.

because i knew i was driving all i drank after the first round was cokes.

which came in handy because on the drive home, truest was driz-zunk, and this semi truck hit his breaks on the 10 freeway two cars in front of us. making all of us slam on our breaks.

my brakes were not as good as everyone elses, and we slid a good 200 yards forward. and almost crashed into the car ahead of us.

ive never been in an accident but all i could see in slow motion was us rear ending the car in front of us, but the Lord protected us and nothing happened: no crash, no nothing. just me braking and honking simultaneously.

while saying to my truest: prepare for impact.

when we got him it was i who wanted to drink.

instead i said my prayers and thanked God i hadnt been drinking.

so buckle up kids. and use designated drivers, cuz you cannot predict the unpredictable.

i forgot that jersey shore is tonight!

i have a sushi date with the truest, then rejection of my advancements

THEN THE SITUATION, SNICKERS, AND J-WOW!!!!!

god bless america

and hey look mom, Echo linked to my post.

he was trying to interview the guy who wrote the brief that allowed the bush administration to waterboard and etc. but the guy was so smooth and subtley eloquent that stewart couldnt do that gotcha journalism that everyone frets about.

today he did something incredible. he admitted that he failed us as an interviewer. how rare is that.

truth of the matter is he underestimated his guest mr john yoo. the other truth is his yoo knew how stewart was going to attck and in return easily and gracefully took the question and returned serve in a way that neither denied nor objected to the question/statement and replied in a way that made you feel deceptively satisfied.

so not only was he the right guy to appear on the daily show, but he was definately the right guy to write a brief on why “enhanced” interrogations were kosher.

id read his book but now he frightens me with his slowball changeup hypnosis of persuasion.

the interview can be found on little green footballs.

and just like Marilyn Manson, Charles Manson, and The Church Lady

the elderly preacher knows the best way to make you listen is to talk about

Satan.

in todays lesson he educates us as to why Haiti is so bad off, while the Dominican Republic is doing oh so well.

is it something that little girls and little boys should aspire for?

what do you want to be when you grow up billy? “id like to be a fireman, a policeman, or liked by the audience of The Factor”

what they should want is to be screwed over by Jay Leno because im telling you right now if Conan O’Brien wanted to run for president, hed win right now. america loves him and feels bad for him and never loved his show more than this week.

they might even start watching it.

meanwhile i need to invest in popcorn cuz i cannot wait for the sarah palin show on fox.

took me an hour and a half which isnt bad, but certainly isnt good.

saw so many things that make me happy i run at midnight: saw a fire, saw a bum sleeping with his head up against a palm tree, saw many lines of people in skimpy outfits trying to get into clubs, saw people eating at Pinkberry (had no idea PB was open that late).

saw tourists, saw tourists looking for stuff, saw movies being made, saw food on plates on top of newspaper boxes, saw people buying medical marijuana. in fact that was the funny thing because as i approached the happy couple i swore it was someone i knew, but as i got closer i saw it wasnt someone i knew at all.

i cant imagine living anywhere else in LA other than hollywood which is odd because if youd had asked me 10 years ago what i thought of hollywood id have said “dirty, crime-ridden, trashy, cheesy, ugly” and today id say the same thing, except with a smile.

saw many businesses closed down.

we need some Crazy Magic, president obama.

Conan’s been dissed by the Peacock. and it looks like this is the best thing that ever happened to him. not only does he have his edge back but hes got 9/12-like empathy from the world.

he also released this statement:

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

total class. cant wait for him to get on Fox and beat Jay TO THE PAIN