britney fans. hi!

you have come here in droves from that killer FoxNews columnist Ken Layne.

Layne dropped you off half-way inside my Britney review.

For the entire dealio go here.

If you want to go back to Layne’s column click here.

thank you.


when youre done, feel free to look around and you might even like the Anna Kournikova thing on the left.

insatiable? hardly

yes i have my dreams.

some may be ridiculous, leading the Cubs to a world series victory thanks to my motivational people skills and gutsy baseball strategies.

but some are totally attainable.

lately my dreams have been coming to my doorstep and knocking, bashing, pounding, jamming their fingers into the buzzer and not releasing after quite some time.

some of the dreams are even rude.

would i like to date fashion models and actresses and bikini clad pop stars?

no, not really.

would i like to throw out the first pitch at Wrigley one day in my jersy and cap?

yes, but i’d wear the pants and shoes too.

first i’d check the imaginary runner at first.

lean into the catcher for the signal.

check that bastard at first again.

throw from the stretch.

raise both hands in celebration.

for the longest time i thought that my life would be incomplete without a girlfriend. in some ways i still think that, but just like 12 hours of sleep each day, that dream has faded away into a better reality that i do not Need as much as i thought i did, that i can be pretty happy As Is.

of course thats when the buzzer rings again and the Cubs want me to coach one of their instructional leagues but first i have to fill out some paperwork including a two thousand word essay on Why I Want The Job.

i could do two thousand words in my sleep.

im doing a few hundred words in my sleep right now.

but i resist the hoop that i must jump through. its crazy. i dont understand. all i have to do is take a step forward and yet i resist. everything that i think i can do and do well is right there within arms reach and i am hesitating.

and i couldnt hate matt damon and his buddy more but of course they deserve the gwenyths and the oscars since they obvioisly have no problem with the paperwork.

and to the form fillers come the riches and the spoils.

and to me, what do i have?

a blog.

and a buzzer.

best part about getting a new pet is naming it

my apartment was invaded by a tiny little rodent last month and anyone who knows me knows that i do not like little rodents and i screamed like a girl and considered many things including moving, including moving far away, including running for the hills.

and then i got super desperate and made a secret pact with the Lord that if he allowed me to survive the night that i would get a cat.

anyone who knows me knows that i dont like cats, but i dont like mice worse.

and this was just a frightened little tiny mouse but — do you have any idea how little i have to pay for my rent? you’d hate me if you knew.

i dont want you to hate me.

im watching Regis. i watch him every morning.

i like him a lot, but i like his cohost Kelly a lot too.

kelly: did you play sports in college?

regis: i played football.

audience: {laughs}

regis: i played under the name Paul Horning

kelly: no shit?

regis: Regis Philbin is my stage name

anyhow, my next door neighbor got kicked out of her apartment last month because it became known to the landlord that she had 5 dogs and 6 cats in her one bedroom apartment. she could have either gotten rid of her pets or move.

she moved.

but she left behind two cats.

i think one of the now-homeless cats ate the little mouse, which is something that i am praying for right now, watch.

Dear Lord, please let that cat have eaten that little mouse and any other mouse in and/or around my sweet pad. Amen.

but last night, after Chris dropped me off from our super fun italian candlelit birthday dinner in los feliz we were saying goodbye in my alleyway, and the church next door has lots of clergymembers who hang out around the doors of the church all night long. some like to jog around the complex. regardless, they all look at me. apparently im entertaining to watch.

one of the newly stray cats approached me and my exgirlfriend and started purring.

“please take me off the streets,” it begged.

it rubbed its neck against chris’s ankle.

then it stood next to me and looked away as if nothing was at all the matter.

“here i am, arent i handsome?”

i dont like cats.

i really hate rodents.

im sorta messy.

my maid is cleaning my home right now.

i dont think i want a cat.

but the Lord has delivered upon me a very handsome cat that i think would be able to get along with me.

i might even be able to make a little kitty door for the cat so that i would not have to bother with litterbox issues.

i think these days on the streets have been good for the cat.

i wouldnt want a lame ass pussy cat.

thats not the sorta house i run.


i would name it Losty.




great idea of the week #1

m&m’s doesnt need to worry about gimmicky new colors.

they already have the greatest m&m color: green.

even little kids knows what will happen if you eat a bunch of green m&m’s, nothing, but that doesnt stop the legend from being propigated and revered.

therefore, why isnt m&m/mars selling individual packs full of solely green m&m’s?

if you were about to go on a hot date, or wanting to appear sassy, or wanting to give a certain someone a tiny little chuckle and hint, or wanting to make a blushable girl blush– what better than a handful of green?

people who know me, like my mom, love to give me sacks and sacks of the candies that melt in your mouth, not in your hands, and when im not busy fending for my life after wave after wave of advances from visiting cheerleaders and brain surgeons of all nationalities but one familiar gender, im separating my m&m’s so that i can have a naughty little bowl of green m&m’s available when that always cool supergirl investigates my living quarters for the first time.

tell me you wouldnt pick up a nice big sack of green covered chocolates for your friends.

thats tonights brilliant idea.

come back to us next time when we bring you another.