honey, the baby is eating bullets again

crazy art

i cant wait to have kids. the san leandro superior court says i already have one, but my dna swab says different.

if i had a little baby right now, id put the little buggar on my knee and id say, watch shaq play.

the baby would probably coo “ko-be… ko-be.”

but i’d say, no, little baby, shaq, watch shaq.

then id put the infant down, run to the nursery and return with a shaq jersey and put it on the child.

yes, i think shaq’s underrated. how many big men have made it through the nba and have fallen to injury or the double team or personality crisis or sex scandal or whathave you and had their careers fizzle after a season or two?


shaq didnt have a lot of things going for him when he made it to the nba: his father was MIA, he went to a second-rate college, got drafted #1 by a second-rate team, got mixed up in the music and movie business, fathered a bunch of children out of wedlock, and never seemed to get along with his point guard, Penny Hardaway. His rookie card was going for $350 on the street, and where do you go from there? only place is down.

there was a lot of expectations on the 7’1″ 315 youngster when he was stolen away by the Lakers a few years ago. and some of that pressure, no doubt, led to his public feud with Kobe.

to pile on, Don Nelson created Hack-a-Shaq, a defense where he would just foul the big guy and make him earn his points from the charity stripe.

and for a while this technique was effective, eerilly so.

but as we now know, this is no longer the case, and Don Nelson is on a golf course in Hawaii and Shaq is in a whirlpool in downtown LA preparing for Game 1 of the NBA Finals.

dont let the fanfare of the hype daze you into thinking that this isnt a big even just because Michael Jordan isnt on the court: Shaquille O’Neal is now poised to win his third championship ring in a row. What NBA center do you know that’s done that in the last 20-30 years?

not anyone i remember seeing, and dont say Will Perdue.

anyway, im glad i dont have any little kids right now cuz if i did i would have to explain to them the genius of Phil Jackson and Tex Winter, i’d have to diagram the triangle offense, make them understand how if a few key lakers can master taking a charge they can get Kidd in foul trouble easy.

and theres nothing worse than a mother coming through the door after a hard days work as the father is running over a kid yelling, “dont move your feet. HOLD YOUR DAMN POSITION!” as little hands and feet go flying across the hardwood floors into a fern as the dog barks and the front door slams.

lakers in four, kidds, id mumble, and id place the ball in the mother’s hands, kiss her cheek and retreat to the fridge for another cold frosty one.

people ask why im going to see britney spears

britney over the yearstomorrow night at staples.

i have several reasons, the first being i havent seen a good stripper, in person, in years.

outside of my living room.

secondly, i have great seats.

but ultimately, i love music, i love the music scene, and i love pop music and pop culture, and for whatever reason, with britney and christina, and anna and ashley and beyonce, the universe has thrown heaps of twenty year old girls at me and i dont know why.

and sometimes its dumb to ask why.

sometimes its just your job to experience the experience.

a few rows from the stage.

up, just a little bit.

and see if that dirty little girl can put on a show.

for those of you who live in LA and are as curious as i am about ms. spears’s talents, i have been keeping a keen eye on the ticket situation here and i will tell you that you shouldnt be surprised if you brought $20 to the downtown arena and found yourself possessing an $80 seat near where i’ll be sitting.

even the most popular teen phenom has a hard time selling out two nights at Staples and her record hasnt exploded the way people expected and this is pretty much just a rehash tour of the one she broadcasted on HBO and how many teenagers do you know have $80 to check out a chick lip sync?

but for $20, i’ll check out some cutesie karaoke.

what the hell else am i gonna do, wait for her big comeback tour when shes 26?

when i wake up in the morning i have a million ideas


same goes for when im riding the bus home.

but then i get in front of the computer and i begin to write to you and all my great ideas are thrown right out of the window.

this morning i was going to go through a run-down of the new jersey nets and let you know about the mad skills of jason kidd, the crazy underreported talents of Keith Van Horn, the sweet young hops of kenyon martin, and the magnificent defensive prowess of kerry kittles.

laura palmeri was going to tell you that you shouldnt be surprised if big gangly todd macculoch blocked a few of kobe’s drives to the lane tonight even though todd looks like a giraffe wearing rolling skates most of the time.

but then i flipped on the local news and they were showing a junior high in east LA and all the kids were holding a huge sign across the football field that said “go lakers” and i realised the futility of my public service.

they stuck a microphone in the sweet little face of a 13 year old girl wearing a kobe jersey and a bow in her hair and they asked her why she thought that the lakers would win and with an angelic smile she casually said, “because the nets suck.”

all my years of schooling and i couldnt have said it better myself.

indeed rosa martinez, the nets do suck.

they suck because they dont have shaq, they dont have kobe, they dont have phil, they dont have tex, they dont have staples center, they dont have two rings, they dont have the laker girls, they dont have jack, they dont have chick.

they dont have shit.

and they dont have you, rosa,

and they’ll never have me.

fuck them.

f the nets, f byron scott for even bringing his team over here, f the freaky looking nets, and f marv albert for getting away with wearing womens lingerie and being able to bite ladies in the back and only have to take a year off work and then be able to come back to broadcast this, the world series of basketball, and make more money in one night than i’ll make all year.

for saying “yes!”


this series is going to be a great one because in my opinion Shaq gets very little respect. and this will be the finals where everyone will finally have to give it up to him.

byron scott, the nets coach is a former laker point guard from the Showtime era of Magic, Cooper, Worthy and Kareem.

he knows the way to stop the lakers is to run shaq into the ground and theres no better fast-break general than jason kidd who can push the ball, stop, pop, or pass.

give to the lakers what is the lakers.

and the lakers, before they got the big fella, were flash. flash in a way that shaq dresses off the court.

on the court, the way for the lakers to win is with muscle.

derek fisher may have shown up a tad in gave seven in sacto, but im not counting on him.

and kobe doesnt seem like hes wanting to take over a game the way that jason kidd feels responsible to.

and since shaq somehow can sink these free throws, the lakers have no other choice than to ride his coattails to a three peat.

still, rosa, it is fun to say that the nets suck in public isnt it?

but, for me, its funner to say fuck.

fuck the nets.

fuck em.