i was born a catholic

.. mmm not really. i was baptisted catholic.

no priest ever touched me. which isnt to say that some didnt touch others, or worse. who doesnt think that some of them did? it just never happened to me, thankfully.

i was baptised catholic. during holidays i would get taken to church. once i went to sunday school and they gave us a hershey bar when it was over. fair enough trade, if you ask me.

my grandmother used to take me to the national cathedral in dc. when i was 15 i thought that a drivers liscense was the only thing that was keeping me from going to church every day. when i was 21 i visited the vatican and they charged me $20 for a roll of film.

at around 23-24 i finished the bible for the first time and i realised that there was nothing in there about nuns or popes or cardinals or confession or most of the things that makes up catholicism, so i became a christian.

a few years later i became ordained.

im not a good minister, but i am one, but dont be impressed.

still, i have to say this for the catholics, whatever they did during their run, they made the “catholic skirt” the sexiest peice of clothing every young woman should have in her wardrobe.

regardless of her spiritual beliefs.

you’d think a perv like xknight would have had a catholic girl skirt contest by now, but im sure he will one of these days.

in related news, “american idol” is starting to suck.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

The World Wildlife Fund has been around since 1961, fighting earnestly to save endangered species. Its logo features a panda bear.

The World Wrestling Federation launched in 1962, and has made millions of dollars selling staged combats between steroid-inflamed loonies. Its Web site recently touted its best-selling item as the “Undertaker Big Evil Red Devil T-shirt.”

So which of these WWFs won the recent skirmish between the two? The good guys!

A court ruled that the pandas had a superior claim to the initials WWF, and that the devils had to change their name. It’s now World Wrestling Entertainment.

I bring this up, Libra, as proof that sometimes goodness and beauty and truth do triumph.

As you navigate an analogous showdown in your own sphere, fight for this possibility with all your might.

– Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezney

beyonce called me and said,

“you’re such a player you’ll have a new babe in no time, dont be sad.”

i said, im no player, thats just my marketing team.

she said, “well get your team in gear, you only have 35 new links. it’s 20 days until july 9th and you need 65 more links. what’s your plan?”

i said, “i aint got no plan. the plan is to ride off into the sunset.”

she said, “three a day.”

i said. “no way can i get three a day.”

she said, “how’s your girl anna doing?”

i said, “anna lost 7-6 (4), 3-6, 1-6 to Rita Grande of Italy at the Eastbourne tournament.”

beyonce said, “clay?”

i said, “no, this is a warm-up for Wimbledon, so it’s on grass.”

she said, “oh, isnt that the tournament that Martina Navratilova signed up for for her comeback?”

i said, “yeah, she signed up and she won her first match.”

beyonce said, “martina won and anna didnt? that’s pretty sad.”

i said, “yup.”

she said, “i like her in yellow.”

i said, “yep.”

she said, “are you doing okay?”

i said, “yep.”

mary chapin carpenter has some great sad songs

and i always know im in trouble when im listening to her.

i was in trouble the first time the cuban girl sent me an email. i was trying to get her to let me take her out. normally we ate lunch on fridays with some of the agents here at the xbi, but i wanted to get her out of that mix and see what she was really like.

after months of pursuit she wrote back saying that we could have lunch, as long as it was in the day time, as long as i didnt pay for the meal, as long as i didnt show any sign of affection, and as long as we didnt share any food. im such a smart ass i wanted to show up with a little 3×5 card with the word “affection” written on it, but im not that cool.

crazy rules that id never heard before, but she was hot so i agreed and we had our pizza.

three weeks later, everything was completely different, and we spent every day together for a little while.

mary chapin carpenter would probably tell me that youre going to win some and lose some in this country song called life, and when you win you should keep it to yourself and when you lose you should sing your sad little tunes, but to be honest im still sorta surprised and it hasnt sunk in yet and i know the things i did wrong.

i know.

but dont cry for me, isla vista, i’ll bounce back like i always do.

if you ever saw this girl you’d say, “no, you wont be bouncing back any time soon.” but i have a bizarre way of being able to shake this sort of thing off. it begins with smoking and drinking on a wednesday night.

and if you like me you wont say anything in the comments section, cuz none of it will help. just keep being my friend and keep being nice to each other. i knew it was a doomed affair when she said that my house was too dirty and that i lived too far away when my house has never been cleaner and we both live in hollywood.

it was code.

we all speak in code.

my code is superhonesty. it might sound like bs sometimes when i say it, but i mean it.

i might say it with a funny tone or sarcastically, but it’s true.

sometimes everything in here is true.

in other news, the cubs won in the bottom of the ninth last night.