tony.

anna, baby.

tony, honey.

anna, sweetums.

tony, studly.

anna, why do you love me so?

your body. i really only love you for your body.

anna, why do you think the brits hate you so much?

lets not talk about the brits.

anna, how much money have you made playing tennis?

tony pierce, since when do you care about money?

well, people are trying to figure out if you are the number one loser in all of sports.

ok, im hanging up now.

you cant hang up, you’re on a cable modem.

i really dont appreciate this line of questioning.

save it for the press, blondie, im your friend.

then start acting like one, and say sweet things to me. im lonely.

kevin brown.

pardon me?

jalen rose, larry johnson, andy ashby…

stop stop, who are these people?

these are men who make $8-$10 million a year who are big time losers.

holy– i dont make anywhere near that!

yeah, no kidding. my people tell me, anna, that you’ve made $3 million in prize money your entire career as a pro tennis player.

you’re people are good. so?

so, the bbc or reuters or whoever cant really call you the biggest loser in the world when guys like Mike Hampton, who lost the only World Series game he ever pitched, is making over $10 million a year to pitch poorly for the Colorado Rockies.

see why i love you?

The major league baseball season is nearly at the halfway point, which means that he has almost made $5 million this season– almost double what you’ve made in your entire career and his record this season is 4 wins 8 losses and his ERA is over 6.

Is that bad?

thats bad, anna.

why is that bad?

oh, it means that over 9 innings, he will give up 6 runs that are his fault.

why is that bad?

because most teams only score 4-5 runs a game, which means your team will probably lose if Mike Hampton is pitching for you.

but, tony, you said he pitches in Colorado, isnt that the park that you showed me where everyone hits Dingers all the time?

yes! great memory.

so, wont his team hit dingers too and score more than 4-5 points?

possibly, but a pitcher who is getting paid $10 million a year should only be giving up 2-3 runs a game. even in Colorado.

i see. yes, tony, you are really my friend. you’ve made me happier.

and here’s the clincher for you, anna, when people think about baseball, well, let me put it this way, if you ask little kids to name baseball players who do you think they’ll say?

i dont know.

well, you start naming baseball players, anna kournikova, sexy girl on the other end of this digital love fiesta.

ok, tony pierce, studly boy in hollywood. lets see, sammy sosa, alex rodriguez, ken griffey, babe ruth–

current players, hottie.

oh shit, sorry, ok, randy johnson, mike piazza, brady anderson, oh-la-la, curt shilling, david justice–

David Justice?

he’s cute, tino martinez, barry bonds, jeff kent, jt snow, shawn green, rickey henderson, ichiro!

ok, ok, you can stop.

no, wait, this is fun, who else is cute? ok, mike mussina, eric karros, chipper jones, andrew jones, nomar garciapara, oh shit Derrick JETER, Pudge rodriguez, brett boone,…

ok, anna, stop, stop, you’ve proven my point.

what point is that?

here you are, a foreigner, who knows very little about baseball, although you just impressed the hell out of me, if i found out you were looking at the sports section of USA Today over there, whereever you are, i’ll be disappointed, but you reeled off a few dozen baseball players and you didnt even mention Mike Hampton.

well why should i?

you shouldnta because he’s a loser.

yeah, like me, right.

no, anna. if i asked any kid to start naming women’s professional tennis players they would never not mention you.

hmmm. so?

so? so heres who theyd mention, venus and serena, monica seles, jennifer capriatti and you. and thats it.

well, those are the top players.

and they are the players who get people interested in the women’s tour, sorta. but you would be mentioned first. and when they mention you, they’d do it with a smile.

perverts.

perhaps, but when you have a product, like the WTA does, or tennis in general, or adidas, and you have someone who is easilly recognized associated with that product, you want there to be a smile attached to that recognition. because smiles equals money. you have a value. and some would say that it is far more than the half million bucks that you’ll maybe make this year not winning tournaments.

and money makes the world go ’round.

no, your smile makes the world go down, comrade, now pick up some whipped cream and get over here as soon as you get off the plane.

ok, tony baloney, full of macaroni.

see you when i get home.

not if i see you first.

caio bella.

dobri den’, dorogoy boy.

73. Ipse Dixit

74. Will Wagner

on your blog?

i said, flea isnt good enough?

she said, flea’s good, but what about someone like Dave Navarro or Tommy Lee?

i said, how about Johnny Knoxville?

she said, perfect!

i said, but don’t you think, thats sorta, ummmmm, gay?

she said, tony, nobody who stumbles across this blog would ever think that you’re gay.

i said, really?

she said, hello. i usually have to clean my hands after i read it because the testosterone gets all over me.

i said, ok.

she said, do you like johnny knoxville?

i said, yeah, i do. i can see why girls like him, cuz he looks like dylan and–

she said, bob dylan?

i said, no, my friend Dylan, from Champion, or whatever their name is.

she said, oh, i dont think ive met him yet. cutie!

and i said, uh yeah, so i think guys dont feel threatened by johnny because he will be dead in about a week and a half.

she said, dont say that.

and, i said, yeah, and i doubt that his weiner works anymore.