beyonce called again. doesnt that girl ever work?

“i want to renegotiate our deal,” she said.

what deal?

she said, “the deal about you shutting down your site unless you get permanently linked to 100 sites before july 9.”

oh, that deal, i said. no, i like that deal. randy, the only dude who consistantly beats my ass at fantasy sports linked me to day. he has one of those ultra-jewish sites. funny thing about this conflict in the middle east–

“baby baby, sshhhh. i have a new agreement that i think you might like,” she said.

“do you remember when a.beam was saying a few months back that you were #27 of google results for the word “tony“?

yes, i remember that. by the way, i found out today who a.beam was.

“how did you do that?”

well, her real site matched up with her fake site which bisected something on her interview with dawn.

“why do you keep calling a.beam ‘her’?”

cuz he’s a she, im telling you, i figured it out today and im bummed. i wish they had never done that interview. i liked it better when i thought he was jason ross.

“shit, i always thought he was ken basart,” beyonce said.

nah, basart’s too busy sitting in that hot tub up in the hollywood hills reading the Economist like a spazz.

“oh, now listen, tony, focus up. in the last 8 weeks your have climbed into the Tony Top Twenty. right now you’re #19 with a bullet.”


“so?! so youre on the front page, just scroll all the way down to the bottom.”

who cares about Google? what does this mean? how does this affect our deal?

“what i would like to propose is, what if everyone goes to google and types in “tony”, scrolls all the way down and clicks your name, and what if you get in the top ten before july 9?”

i know what you’re saying, and no. i like the deal and i dont wanna be the top ten of anything. especially lame-ass search engine results!

“but lets be reasonable,” beyonce pleaded, “do you really think you’re more popular than Tony Hawk, or Tony Stone graphics, or The Tony Awards?”

Beyonce, i dont care. of course im not more popular than Tony Hawk or the others, im just saying that if you want to change the deal then, i will only accept it if i am the number one Google search result by 7/9, which, by the way is my favorite day of the year, the All-Star Game.

beyonce said, “you suck, but yes, i will try to get people to click you to the top. i guess if Layne can be the number one Ken, you can be the number one Tony.”

and i said, and if i dont get 100 links and im not the number one tony, then i wont feel bad at all for quitting on top, even though i wouldnt really be on top, based on those results.

and then she told me about how short mike myers was and i asked her if she got me a keepsake from the movie to give to Chris and she said that she forgot and i called her a bad name.

45. How Appealing

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