i’m glad we lost that damn game

america doesn’t need soccer. we never have. it’s been nothing more than something kids do during recess and immigrants play on sundays. kick the ball into the big net, euros.

hug each other when you score.

italy showed a lot of class when they lost to South Korea the other day thanks to Ahn Jung-hwan. Jung-hwan is a Korean who plays for a professional Italian club when the stupid World Cup isnt sending losers into a false nationalistic frenzy. after Jung-hwan headed in the winning goal to beat Italy this week, his Italian club said that his contract wouldn’t be renewed. he had been fired.

he scored a goal by knocking it in with his skull, pisan. that’s all.

you act as if this tournament means more than the Animalympics.

go back to making our shoes and sending your pretty girls over here so we can hop on top of them.

fix us up some bland pasta.

italy, you might have some pretty art, but you didnt invent pizza, venice is a freak show cess pool, rome hasnt been cool for a thousand years, and the only decent thing you make any more people cant afford: Ferraris.

go back to selling cheap leather and talking about Felini.

ive been to italy plenty of times.

all your men leered at my girlfriend’s american bosom like they’d never seen titties before.

and after looking at your women, i can see you havent seen tittes before.

no wonder you run in the streets with the bulls.

no wonder you throw tomatoes at each other.

no wonder the Pope is polish. Even the dirty fakers in the vatican know that italy has lost it.

but life is beautiful, right?

all you need is a room with a view, si?

you run around with your slicked-back hair and your cappuccinos and your gellato and your jewelry and you pretend like its ok that you once ruled the world – even parts of africa (the easy parts) – and now you dont, but it’s okay, who needs it, you’ve got firenze.

all you have, to borrow from layne, is shame.

fire the korean kid for using his head against you? what do you think he was in the game for? to help you?

you think he flew back home to korea, trained with his korean teammates, put on the korean uniform, stood up during the korean anthem, just so that if the ball came flying at his eyes that he’d miss it for your benefit?

it’s a game. it’s a stupid game. its a game you could teach retards to play within minutes. you could write the rules down on a ravioli.

go back to drinking your wine and feeding Pavarotti.

the only decent Italians are American ones, anyway.

but you know what, i’ll take back what i said about you, cuz i secretly do love you.

of course i do.

and secretly you dont want to fire Ahn Jung-hwan.

what you want to do is hire him back and let him get booed every time his korean foot touches the ball.

your stadiums will be packed every time his team pulls up their shorts and takes the field.

all that passion you people swear that you have so much of will flow like in one of those nice operas that people tell me about.

sell his effigy at the games and burn it during halftime.

with your little cigarettes hanging out of your mouth.

classy like.

but im serious, hire the korean back, or i wont take back what i said and i’ll tell everyone that the Olive Garden is exactly what your food is like over there.

and i don’t agree, but Sonny says you’re acting like the French.

41. Get Your OJ On

42. Rallying Point

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