and i guess i should have expected that once all the tony love hit the world there there’d be a little bit of backlash. and of course there is.

one particular anonymous emailer wondered who the fuck i thought i was to think that i could write not one or two interesting things a day but three or four? it wondered if i knew i was a self-righteous narcissist who really couldn’t write and should capitalize my words and go back to school to learn how to punctuate.

to whom it may concern,

i know im no good at punctuation, capitalization, imagination or evaporation, and i know i’m narcissistic, look at my url, sherlock.

i like it that my style pisses some people off.

i like it that people become jealous of whatever it is that this is. (no, the emailer wasnt the vodkapundit, who i love.)

i like it that some people are so aggravated by their own so-called life that they think it’ll make them feel better by telling me to go to hell.

send me your misery, your hate, your gripes, your jealousies, your anger. your poor huddled massive bs yearning to be set free.

feed me with your fears.

im rubber, you’re glue… but that’s not true.

if it makes you feel better to try to chip away at me or dynamite me or type type type at me complaining about the obvious, be my guest, email me.

if you’re going to hate me for anything, hate me for always finding the good part of a fucked up situation.

your hate brings a smile to my face cuz i know im helping you.

yes, you, the one with the envy issues.

the one with the bad blog.

theres very little worse than a bad blog.

an unread, bad blog, perhaps, written by a lost soul with nothing to say but spelled correctly

and punctuated like a sixth grade teacher whose red felt pen just ran out of bitterness.

in other news, i forgot to thank my buddy sean over at slow-dog.com for flowing the busblog $5 on my birthday via paypal. thanks bro!

still, i feel like i havent thanked the academy enough. so ignore this post if you think that i have.

my exgirlfriend chris called me last night and asked what i was going to do for my birthday.

a bunch of my friends were at a french place watching the angels game. i was tempted to go there because i have the best friends in the world. another group of friends were over celebrating simone’s birthday at palms thai, famous for its thai elvis who sings while you eat the best thai food in hollywood.

anna was in town and wanted to take me to a strip club of my choice, which is the conveniently located Cheetah’s very close to my home. and there were several other offers and quite a few knocks at my door of a variety of Strip-Oh-Grams, which we wont get into at this point because im still not exactly sure what went on there.

so chris was on the phone and it occured to both of us that i hadnt eaten. she lives by the beach, i live in hollywood. we wouldnt be able to have dinner together because ashley was two miles away stalking drew barrymore and would be home in no time, so chris did something very sweet, she ordered thai for me and paid for it with her credit card. one two three awwwwww.

i had a semi spicy tom kha kai soup, curry shrimp, white rice and won tons. deeee-lish. thank you toi on vine. and thank you chris.

ashley had arrived earlier in the afternoon to suprise me. she had a cute little helium balloon tied to a wrapped gift. the balloon had a race car on it that sported the number 30 on it because she swears she saw my drivers liscense and it said that i am 30. youve seen the pictures. i aint 30.

surrounding the gift were chocolate bars and m&m’s and a sweet card of a little boy and a barking dog telling me i was a very special boy. and the present was a nice new wallet, which i needed very badly, and it had what any wallet needs, a flip open flap for my bus pass on one side and my xbi badge on the other. thank you, ashley!

on my amazon wishlist i got, as reported earlier, a pancake maker, and a bamboo place mat set, to go along with a Quick Chopper. so the kitchen was represented nicely. gracias, anonymous donors.

the good people of Manila made me a big ass shoe (pictured) because they’ve read about my prowess, which means that i must have big feet? im not sure. the boom you heard this morning was when the ups man delivered it. im still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

but seriously.

and then there were the web page tributes, and the emails, comments, fan signs. i got emails from people who had never emailed me before and who i didnt even know read my blog. that made me feel soooooo good, you dont even know. and i got perma linked by like a half dozen sites that i didnt even know about, including one from a gay guy! who knew i would appeal to that demographic?! welcome, everyone. and thank you for the love.

after the movie ashley came home and sent me into a place where only eagles dare to fly.

they say that men are a visual creature and it’s true. i could just sit there and look at a girl like ashley all night and say things and have her smile and model this or that or walk around in her clompy heels and reposition herself, and all would be well. but to have her say the things she said, and to let me photograph the evening? how could one man be so lucky? i say this not to brag, but to educate the ladies of the web that fancy dinners, etc., cannot be replaced by a floorshow. if your man loves you, love him back with exactly what he wants, and i like little outfits and spicy conversation.

i burned a dirty cd and we played it and it stopped and we didnt notice. she said things to me that would make hef blush. she smelled of perfume, she looked like an angel, she felt like, well, like a twenty year old girl should.

i wish there was a word for thankyouthankyouthankyou.

thankyouthankyouthankyou.

when i turned 50 i was lucky enough to have a girlfriend. she knew the big 5-0 would be hard on me so she got us a sweet room across the bay, she ordered up some to-go from my favorite chinese restaurant, dressed up as dirty as she could, and banged the living shit out of me.

it made a difficult birthday go down a lot smoother.

despite that wonderful evening, since then all birthdays have been tough for me.

i may not look my age, but sometimes i feel it when i’m trying to steal home, or running a hook route, or chasing a perp down a long alley. mortality is a bitch and each anniversary sometimes reminds me more of one more step to doom than a celebration of life.

the love that was showered upon me yesterday through emails and gifts and comments and web pages out there was overwhelming And i got banged by a girl who tried to dress like a dirty ho.

sometimes i wonder if i am the luckiest man in the world.

yesterday there was no question.

i feel very touched by the warmth that you all shared with me.

i swear to you that i will do my best to continue to bring you all the fucked up weirdness that you come here to find each day.

this morning, however, the first order of business it to wipe this goofy smirk off my face.

thanks again,

tony

oh hi christina agueilera.

tony pierce, what do i have to do to get you to spell my name right?

dont be offended, i dont spell anything right. i grammar bad too.

oh im not offended. i want to burn it into your little head.

you could get me a tshirt that says aguilera on it.

here im trying to be sexy and youre making me laugh.

my bad.

let me turn on some music.

the music is the only thing thats not turned on.

“Ooh, I’m overdue / Give me some room / I’m comin’ through / Paid my dues / I’m in the mood “

like it?

i love your new song christina.

like the lyrics?

what lyrics?

“DJ’s spinnin’ (show your hands) / Let’s get dirrty (that’s my chant) / I need that (uh) to get me off / Sweat until my clothes come off”

oh, those lyrics. yes i like them.

is this okay that im this close?

mmm hmmm.

want me to get closer?

technically i dont think you could.

this is closer.

hi.

wanna see if i can get closer still?

get any closer and you’ll be inside me– HELLO.

not that kinky?

“Temperature’s up (can you feel it) / ‘Bout to erupt “

thats kinky?

thats the first page of the unabridged volume called kinky part one

oh, christina aguelira

i knew i could get you to spell my name right

“It’s about time that I came to start the party / Sweat drippin’ over my body / Dance and gettin’ just a little naughty”

so what do you want for your birthday, tony pierce?

swirled peas.

what?

more cookware

you so crazy.

i like it when you talk Black, christina.

im glad.

actually, i like everything that you do.

so why didnt you say hi to me that time at the viper room?

i was blown away at the time.

by me? oh youre sweet.

okay, i dont think thats a lapdance any more

hmmm?

oh, look at that, it is.

mmmm hmmmm.

“Ahh, heat is up / So ladies, fellas, drop your cups.”

what do you want for my birthday christina?

i want to let this little ho out.

it’s not out?

oh, it’s trying to, but theres a real little one that wants to get out, she cant find the way.

that must suck for her.

yes. but i think you might know the route.

the route?

yes, the path. do you know how to help the dirrty girl get out of me, tony?

i think she’s gonna have to leapfrog over the tramp, the slut, and the closet stripper who are already out. but i’ll try.

and here i thought you liked me.

like? i love you. wait, are those knee pads?

hehe

marry me.

“Tight hip huggers (low fo’ sho’) / Shake a little somethin’ (on the floor)”

so can you help me get that little dirrty girl out?

thats the beauty of science, christina.

whats that baby?

one can pose theories, but only through repetitive experimentation can one safely surmise a valid conclusion.

lets experiment then, mr. busblog.

but you gotta be this high to ride this ride.

maybe you can help me up.

(shy) Beth from D.C. wishing you a Happy Birthday.

per your request, I have sent on a fan sign.

I didn’t have a digital camera at work, so I repurposed a pic my former coworker sent me – taken just outside of Georgetown University on my last day of work in August.

He originally entitled it “the_real_reason_shes_leavin.jpg” which is totally false!

I left to slave away for my favorite lobbyist. Talk about selling out.

Anyway Tony, as we are all dodging bullets here in the district, I wanted to thank you again for a lovely blog, which has been, at times, the only thing that gets me through the day.

You’re making people happy, more than you even know.

I hope your birthday is a fantastic one.

cheers,

Beth

Dear Beth,

Since i was born in dc many centuries ago, it is my pleasure to post your fan sign.

People need not call me, as the telephone wont be of much use, but i do like your sign a LOT, however if folks want to email me, tony@fuckhotmail.com seems to be working well. im feeling very good today despite the Rally Monkey trying to mix things up.

Keep fighting the good fight in my birthplace,

Tony

hi tony pierce, just wanted to jump on the birthday bandwagon and give you some crazy love.

wow, thats great, rally monkey, youre too kind.

well i was looking at your amazon wish list and i saw that you only got one other gift other than the Quick Chop and i figured now would be a good time for me to come out and drum up a little more support for you before this little game is over.

aw, thats sweet, pal, but i dont think im going to be begging for free stuff any more off this blog. the kids just dont seem to like it much.

yeah, but you have a good point. i see the wish lists of the cam girls and cam women, and those babes get so much free junk from their readers, and for why? because they show their bellies? or give the fellas a glimmer of hope that they’ll eventually get some play? puh-lease. you provide real entertainment here tony, if you want $6.66 or the new Cobain book, you should get it.

again, thats real nice, rally monkey, but it’s cool. my cup overfloweths in other ways.

like what, like the ladies? dont lie, you dont get that much love.

quality, not quantity, my fine furry friend.

dont matter. these girls should be going apeshit over you and you should have more gifts than you could ever ask for. where the hell has layne and welch been these last weeks? monkeying around. meanwhile you’ve done more than take up the slack.

those guys are doing top secret behind the scenes double dealings. the fruits of their labors will be sweet in the upcoming months and years. watch your mouth.

i spit on their double dealings. except welch. he’s the only true angels fan on the web.

dont spit on layne, he’s being romantical right now. and i think he’s writing a new novel for our asses.

whatever, tony. i’m here. that means good things will start happening for you right now.

btw, rally monkey, wKen flowed $6.66 which will definately go to tonights lapdance fund. so major props to my bro up north.

see? i got you some crazy magic already. arent you glad i came?

yes. and thank you to whoever got me the pancake thing off my wishlist. made me laugh laugh laugh here in my cubicle.

ok, gotta jet off to frisco. big game tonight.

yes, i’ll be watching it from jumbo’s tonight.

they got a tv in there?

they got tvs, bi’s, les’s you name it.

stick to the crimefighting, tp.

go angels!

update: the Rally Monkey is telling me from his limo to LAX that someone has scored me the coveted Bamboo Place Mats off the wishlist. Gracias!!!!!

besides all the totally wonderful kickass rocknroll sweet lovable people who have either wished me a happy birthday in my comments or on their page, my boss is gonna let me go home early as soon as i finish this project.

but im such a procrastinator, that might not be till tomorrow.

in the mail i got a really cool card from meesh that includes several photographs, some even suitable for framing. thanks meesh.

i got two cards from my mom, one that had a $50 check in it and one that had a $50 gift card for best buy. (i have the best mom in the world.) this morning she woke me up by singing happy birthday in my answering machine. i coulda picked up but its nice to have that on your machine for a few days. sniff. sniff.

i got a card from my sister which had another $50 best buy gift card.

ashley called last night right before midnight. turns out the movie i thought i was gonna go see with her shes gonna take someone else, so i might just head down to the local strip bar after workie poo and see if i can milk any lap dances off the ladies on account of this being the day of my birth and all. gotta be careful in hollywood cuz that might mean they all bring you in the back and practice unsafe sex on you. but at least the music will be good.

chris called last night right after midnight all sleepy and cute. shes the best. totally filled out this outfit at nicolette’s dinner the other night and i thought, “i used to get that on the regular? damn!”

i got quoted on Instapundit yesterday. im not much of an approval suck but it sunk in yesterday that of all the people chiming in about Little Green Footballs, the professor chose my words to put on his site. hmmm. pretty awesome, even for a jaded fuck like me.

i guess im really not lame.

and even though it’s not a scientific study, i got about twice as many hits from LGF, which might have been due to the fact that everyone was pointing to charles yesterday and then he pointed to me. sorta wish i had something good up there for the kids, but whatev. theyre used to mediocraty from the web.

before i forget lets also acknowledge Simone (the blonde in the picture above) who turns 97 today, and will be eating thai tonight in hollywood. mmmmm tempting.

tonight after the movie ashley will molest me. that’ll be nice. i sorta want to do something special, but i cant think of anything special. like should we go do it in the woods? or on the 50 yard like of the LA Collesium? strangest thing about being with a girl who’ll do anything you want is that most of the times all you want to do is hold her hand and have her rest her head on your shoulder.

so fifty yard line it is.

maybe the thirty six yard line, cuz thats how many lap dances i would like tonight.

had a nice instant message chat with fat sarah last night. very cool girl. she said that when i get home there will be a fan sign waiting for me. you know what those are? its when the ladies take a digital cam pic of themselves holding up a sign that says something like i heart tony.

ladies, feel free to email me your fan signs tony@fuckhotmail.com

xoxoxo

tony

this fool was born 109 years ago today

“You Know You’re Right”

(Cobain)

I would never bother you

I would never promise to

I will never follow you

I will never bother you

Never speak a word again

I will crawl away for good

I will move away from here

You won’t be afraid or fear

No thought was put into this

I always knew it would come to this

Things have never been so swell

I have never failed to fail

Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn (3x)

You know you’re right (3x)

I’m so warm and calm inside

I no longer have to hide

Let�s talk about someone else

Steaming, soon begins to melt

Nothing really bothers her

She just wants to love herself

I will move away from here

You wont be afraid or fear

No thought was put into this

I always knew to come to this

Things have never been so swell

I have never failed to fail

Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn (5x)

You know you’re right (17x) (except last 3 or 4 where he sings:

You know your rightS

Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnn